What would you tell your younger self about marriage?

[alsudduth]

I would tell myself that marriage really is just a piece of paper. I spent so much time and energy just trying to get my husband to give me the paper, that I didn't worry about whether it was the right decision. It was just the next logical step in my analytical mind and I was determined to get it.

 

I would tell myself that REAL marriage is two people working hard to support and be with each other. Wanting to be with each other even without the things that tie us in everyday life, like kids and finances.

 

That compromise goes both ways and to not settle for no compromise. And that communication really is the key, and it's IMPERATIVE to maintain during times of change, hardship, and even contentment.

 

And finally, I would tell myself that we are going to hurt each other. Badly. The kind of hurt that changes who you are as a person. Realize that no person is perfect and as we grow and change, mistakes will be made and remember that just as a person is capable of putting a knife in your heart, they are also capable of true remorse.

[amaysngrace]

"Make sure you guys are best friends."

[dichotomy]

 

 

Make sure the love is equal.

 

 

 

I have rarely met someone who said "I love you" to me and had the same definition of love as I did.

 

Make sure the term love is..... the same.

 

My wife claims she loves me -and I think she does in her view - but to her sex and love are not the same thing or even tied together.

 

I disagree of course. I dont feel loved with out strong sexual bonding.

 

So discussions - deep ones - should be had around love ? what is love to you? what is unloving? What is cheating ? so many terms and beliefs I would explore in depth if I ever met someone new. You must be on same page.

 

YMMV.

[RecentChange]

You know, I am far from perfect, as is my marriage. And there have been mistakes along the way - but truthfully few regrets.

 

I would tell my younger sell that relationships need upkeep, that they need to be attended to and not taken for granted.

 

But beyond that, I can't think of much that my 20 year old self needs to learn from my 39 year old self.

 

As for age... I get it that there is risk in being young, or not living a lot of life before finding someone that you want to marry. But what if you DO meet them then? What are you supposed to do? Walk away from them because you are too young? Hope that they wait around for you? Hope you find someone else as special?

 

I was 23 when I met my now husband, and so far I have no regrets choosing him to spend my life with. I will say, I wasn't a naive sheltered 20 something. By that point I had been living on my own for 5 years, had a lot of responsibility at home before that, a few relationships under my belt.

[SCFenway]

Wait. Wait. Wait. Be sure you are sexually compatible. Wait.

[BettyDraper]

Hang in there. The first years will be tough but your marriage will improve in the 5th year.

 

See the way your husband always wants to work things out when you say that you want a divorce? That's commitment. You need to become more mature and stop bringing up divorce just because you're having a hard time. You and your husband will come out on the other side.

 

You don't need to justify your childfreedom to anyone. Don't let it bother you when others try to shame you for your decision.

 

When your circumstances change, many women will be jealous of you and they will insult you to make themselves feel better. Surround yourself with confident and happy ladies.

 

Never apologize for ejecting someone from your life if he or she is toxic. You will bring that negativity into your marriage and poison it.

 

You developed protective armor around your soul due to a horrific childhood and your husband's past mistakes. It's time to shed the armor and realize that vulnerability is necessary for a happy marriage.

 

FFS...stop pushing your husband away when he tries to be affectionate. You know that's hurtful right?

 

I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. She will help you and ultimately improve your marriage.

[alphamale]

listen to your gut instinct, if something smells fishy it probably is

[alphamale]

I suppose those who find partners where the love is equal is like finding a unicorn so congratulations to those who have

 

I guess it would be hard to find a couple where both parties love each other equally

[carhill]

IME, kind of difficult to quantify love. Qualify, maybe.

 

Anyway, tell younger self? Pre-nup

[Veronica73]

I don’t have any advice for my younger self about marriage. First of all, in general its best not to give advice (even though I sometimes do). Second of all, I made the best decision I could have, given who I was then and knowing what I did then. And it was a good decision all around, even though it didn’t work out. No regrets. It is part of who I am today. Just because a marriage ended doesn’t mean it was a mistake. I wish some things had worked out differently, but I don’t think any sort of advice would have changed anything.

Edited February 9, 2018 by Veronica73
Edit: It was a great love and a risk and I don’t regret it.

[waterwoman]

Love, patience. compromise, sexual generosity and attraction, courage and loyalty are all essential. But the most important thing is to be happy with yourself. Don't expect your marriage to make you happy - that isn't it's purpose. You have to make make YOU happy, then you add that happiness to your marriage.

 

Unhappy people have unhappy marriages. H and I learned that too late after some pretty nasty damage was already done.

[Els]

As for age... I get it that there is risk in being young, or not living a lot of life before finding someone that you want to marry. But what if you DO meet them then? What are you supposed to do? Walk away from them because you are too young? Hope that they wait around for you? Hope you find someone else as special?

 

I was 23 when I met my now husband, and so far I have no regrets choosing him to spend my life with. I will say, I wasn't a naive sheltered 20 something. By that point I had been living on my own for 5 years, had a lot of responsibility at home before that, a few relationships under my belt.

 

I agree. The SO/fiance and I met at 21. We knew we had something really, really special going on, and held on to it through distance, poverty, illness and family drama. Almost a decade hence, I have zero regrets.

 

We did choose not to marry young, though. I know a lot of people will say that they won't wait beyond 2 years or 3 or whatever, and that might be best for them. But we both knew we had a lot of growing up and maturing and going out into the world to do, and we wanted to do all of that before we made a lifelong commitment to each other. That was, I believe, the right decision for us.

 

Others may decide differently, and that's okay. I do think that couples who marry in their early-mid 20s are taking a pretty significant risk that it won't work out because they'll grow apart, though. The 20s are such a transitional phase of life. A few do grow together (we did!) and that's wonderful, but many don't.

 

The advice in this thread has been great! Thanks, guys.

[Arieswoman]

Phewwww,

This is a very intelligent but challenging question

 

Hindsight is always 20/20 vision.

 

We make the decisions we do ( and that includes all sort of stuff - not just getting married) based on our information at the time, coupled with our level of emotional maturity, plus our life experiences and our goals/aspirations at the time.

 

I don't think for one minute that people make decisions about a life partner with the intention of screwing up their lives, but this can be what happens.

 

As others have said, I could have told my younger self all sorts of stuff but she wouldn't have listened as she didn't have the emotional maturity to understand - that only comes with experience and that needs time...

 

I believe that we gravitate towards people who are at the same stage of emotional/psychological development that we are. so my exH was right for me at the the time.

 

If a couple get married and grow and develop and mature at the same pace then that makes for a fulfilling relationship. But so many times, this doesn't happen and then there are fissures deveoping in the marriage.Not all couples can weather these ...

Edited February 9, 2018 by Arieswoman

[mastinaro]

Just don't.

[BettyDraper]

I believe that the partner who loves less has all of the power.

Power dynamics play into ALL relationships whether we want to accept it or not.

[Arieswoman]

BD,

 

I believe that the partner who loves less has all of the power.

Power dynamics play into ALL relationships whether we want to accept it or not.

 

This x 100 ^^

[S2B]

If you're unhappy and/or mismatched - there's no reason to stay.

[RecentChange]

We did choose not to marry young, though. I know a lot of people will say that they won't wait beyond 2

 

Totally! Same here. We didn't consciously wait because we were "too young" but my thought was always, we are going to be together for the REST OF OUR LIVES so why rush? Why does the paper even matter?

 

We started talking about forever after 6 months. We got engaged after 3 years, and didn't get around to the marriage thing until after 14 years.

 

I know that wouldn't work for many, but it worked just fine for us.

 

I have lived a lot since we first met, and I still think he is the man for me. I am glad I didn't send him packing because we were too young

[Els]

I believe that the partner who loves less has all of the power.

Power dynamics play into ALL relationships whether we want to accept it or not.

 

IME it's entirely possible for both people to love each other equally - although "equally" doesn't have to mean "the exact same way".

 

I find it somewhat strange when people talk about "power" in a relationship (beyond consensual power exchanges done for fun, of course, which are a completely different thing). This sort of nonconsensual "power" can only really exist or play a part if both parties are viewing the other as an antagonist of sorts, a competitor, a person whom they are trying to gain leverage against. If both people are genuinely prioritizing their partner and their relationship's well-being, does there really need to be a nonconsensual "power dynamic" at all?

Edited February 10, 2018 by Elswyth

[Arieswoman]

If both people are genuinely prioritizing their partner and their relationship's well-being, does there really need to be a nonconsensual "power dynamic" at all?

 

This is the ideal ^^^ however, I know many married women who are, unfortunately, subtley manipulating their husbands to get what they want.

[BettyDraper]

IME it's entirely possible for both people to love each other equally - although "equally" doesn't have to mean "the exact same way".

 

I find it somewhat strange when people talk about "power" in a relationship (beyond consensual power exchanges done for fun, of course, which are a completely different thing). This sort of nonconsensual "power" can only really exist or play a part if both parties are viewing the other as an antagonist of sorts, a competitor, a person whom they are trying to gain leverage against. If both people are genuinely prioritizing their partner and their relationship's well-being, does there really need to be a nonconsensual "power dynamic" at all?

 

There is always one partner who prioritizes the relationship and their partner to more than the other one.

[OpenBook]

Advice stolen from another thread to a (single) OP who was lamenting being at home alone on a Friday night:

 

Other people aren't there to fill up the empty holes for us.

 

SO appropriate for marriage. I so wish I had understood this before I got married - this was my mindset going in. What a huge delusion it was. I was looking to him to fill the holes in my soul. Wrong move!!!!!

[Els]

This is the ideal ^^^ however, I know many married women who are, unfortunately, subtley manipulating their husbands to get what they want.

 

I am sure this does happen (and conversely, I'm sure sometimes it's the man taking advantage of his wife/partner as well). But to say that ALL or even most relationships are that way? That's a bit of a stretch, I think.

[callmegm]

Now-GM: Hey, younger me, do you remember when you were younger, and you were so obsessed with love, and falling in love, and being in love? That you would fall for any guy that would give you the slightest bit of attention?

 

Young-GM: Yeah! I love love and I love being in love. I don't know what I would do without love. In fact I just started dating someone who said he really liked me. He's a bit quiet and has different life views as well as hobbies as I do, but I'm sure that'll be okay, right?

 

Now-GM: Yeah, no. You're gonna end up wasting 7 years of your life because you felt guilty about not being what he wants - a good stay-at-home wife with 5 kids. Nothing wrong with that - but that's not what you want and you know it. Don't stick with someone like that. Find someone who loves you for you and wants you to be the best you can be, but ultimately still who you want to be.

 

Young-GM: So I just need to find someone who I can relate to when it comes to my personality? Someone who makes me laugh and enjoys the same things I want? Someone who not only wants to be with me, but I want to be with - without changing who we are as people?

 

Now-GM: Yes. Those are good - but also make sure you are on the same page, or you'll waste another two years of your life hoping that this guy who you are so desperately in love with won't leave you because he wants nothing to do with commitment. Divorced and not interested is a pretty big thing when you want marriage. Find someone who wants the same things you do in a relationship. Someone who wants to move forward with you. Someone who is committed to you and your relationship together. People change, sure, but promise to change together.

 

Young-GM: Cool, cool, cool. Can I tell you something, older me?

 

Now-GM: What's that?

 

Young-GM: You're kind of a dork.

 

Now-GM: Yes, yes, I am, young padawan.

 

Young-GM: Was the new Star Wars movie worth the wait?

 

Now-GM: *pictures Adam Driver shirtless while talking to Daisy Ridley* Yes.

[BettyDraper]

Now-GM: Hey, younger me, do you remember when you were younger, and you were so obsessed with love, and falling in love, and being in love? That you would fall for any guy that would give you the slightest bit of attention?

 

Young-GM: Yeah! I love love and I love being in love. I don't know what I would do without love. In fact I just started dating someone who said he really liked me. He's a bit quiet and has different life views as well as hobbies as I do, but I'm sure that'll be okay, right?

 

Now-GM: Yeah, no. You're gonna end up wasting 7 years of your life because you felt guilty about not being what he wants - a good stay-at-home wife with 5 kids. Nothing wrong with that - but that's not what you want and you know it. Don't stick with someone like that. Find someone who loves you for you and wants you to be the best you can be, but ultimately still who you want to be.

 

Young-GM: So I just need to find someone who I can relate to when it comes to my personality? Someone who makes me laugh and enjoys the same things I want? Someone who not only wants to be with me, but I want to be with - without changing who we are as people?

 

Now-GM: Yes. Those are good - but also make sure you are on the same page, or you'll waste another two years of your life hoping that this guy who you are so desperately in love with won't leave you because he wants nothing to do with commitment. Divorced and not interested is a pretty big thing when you want marriage. Find someone who wants the same things you do in a relationship. Someone who wants to move forward with you. Someone who is committed to you and your relationship together. People change, sure, but promise to change together.

 

Young-GM: Cool, cool, cool. Can I tell you something, older me?

 

Now-GM: What's that?

 

Young-GM: You're kind of a dork.

 

Now-GM: Yes, yes, I am, young padawan.

 

Young-GM: Was the new Star Wars movie worth the wait?

 

Now-GM: *pictures Adam Driver shirtless while talking to Daisy Ridley* Yes.

 

You didn't happen to marry as a teenager did you?

I'm asking because I was acquainted with a woman in LA who had a bunch of kids at young age. She had another child with a different man and went back to her husband because they had a lot of children.

I know it seems like a longshot but I had to ask.