Why do people lie about their breakup reasonings?

[Ta222]

The dumper has already been over the emotional turmoil of deciding to end the relationship (you just didn't know it), so they do not want to go down that road again. The dumper has already been contemplating leaving, been up at night worried, tried to negotiate staying in the relationship, and agonized over how to break up in the best way possible. By the time they actually break up with you, they feel relief that they can finally move on from those emotions.

 

And yes, it's difficult to tell someone that you aren't into them anymore. Especially if the person you have to tell that to is a good person, and they haven't done anything awful. Would you want to tell someone that you aren't into them anymore, aren't attracted to them anymore, ect.? If you are a halfway decent person, no one wants to tell someone that and break their heart. It's hard to watch someone you care about hurt.

 

 

I have a hard time thinking he cared. He cut me out of his life like I was nothing to him. I understand that he probably overestimated his level of interest in the relationship but he did not have to fast forward and fake a future with me consistently over the course of the relationship. He moved very fast with me in this relationship and part of that is my fault as well for not seeing the red flags. It's like as soon as the honeymoon phase wore off he was over it and not interested anymore. Then breaks up with me with his excuse that he definitely well thought out and then to insist on having dinner a week later to tell me the same things. He also was telling me how he wants me to find something that makes me happy etc etc which if you just broke my heart I felt insulted he was pitying me and I asked him for the truth and still nothing. Then to see him get into another full blown relationship weeks later and has already met her family. It's like deja vu. He blocked me on instagram and Facebook as soon as he became official with her. His roommate actually reached out to me and told me to get over that guy because he isn't wasting any energy on me.

[BC1980]

I have a hard time thinking he cared. He cut me out of his life like I was nothing to him. I understand that he probably overestimated his level of interest in the relationship but he did not have to fast forward and fake a future with me consistently over the course of the relationship. He moved very fast with me in this relationship and part of that is my fault as well for not seeing the red flags. It's like as soon as the honeymoon phase wore off he was over it and not interested anymore. Then breaks up with me with his excuse that he definitely well thought out and then to insist on having dinner a week later to tell me the same things. He also was telling me how he wants me to find something that makes me happy etc etc which if you just broke my heart I felt insulted he was pitying me and I asked him for the truth and still nothing. Then to see him get into another full blown relationship weeks later and has already met her family. It's like deja vu. He blocked me on instagram and Facebook as soon as he became official with her. His roommate actually reached out to me and told me to get over that guy because he isn't wasting any energy on me.

 

I had something similar happen to me years ago. A guy initiated everything and love bombed me like you were describing. After 6 months, he just cut me off one day. Blocked me on social media and email (this was back before people texted so much). It was flat out bizarre, and I still have no idea what happened to this day. I never heard from him again. It probably ranks as the weirdest dating experience I have had happen to me.

 

I don't know why people love bomb you then pull away. I don't think it's intentional or malicious. I think it's more immaturity and not being able to function in an adult relationship more than anything. I think it's a lesson for all of us to manage what we can with our behavior and look for red flags. Unfortunately, you can usually only learn those lessons by trial and error. You gotta get burned before you really get it.

[Ta222]

I had something similar happen to me years ago. A guy initiated everything and love bombed me like you were describing. After 6 months, he just cut me off one day. Blocked me on social media and email (this was back before people texted so much). It was flat out bizarre, and I still have no idea what happened to this day. I never heard from him again. It probably ranks as the weirdest dating experience I have had happen to me.

 

I don't know why people love bomb you then pull away. I don't think it's intentional or malicious. I think it's more immaturity and not being able to function in an adult relationship more than anything. I think it's a lesson for all of us to manage what we can with our behavior and look for red flags. Unfortunately, you can usually only learn those lessons by trial and error. You gotta get burned before you really get it.

 

 

It sucks and hurts not knowing and probably will never know. A part of me thinks that as well that it wasn't malicious but I think it shows a lack of integrity as well as a lack of emotional maturity to consistently make these promises and claims of a future when it isn't going to happen. He told me three days prior to dumping me he still wanted me to move in. What hurts the most is how soon he is exclusively with someone else. I've never heard nor seen of this woman before and nor did they have mutual friends so I am assuming she's new as I was at one point. I keep wondering like is he doing this again? Love bombing and going super fast? Pictures being posted, changing statuses after about a month. During the whole breakup scenarios I can't help but just see bull**** and him still telling me he does love me at that moment when clearly he does not makes me think everything he said that night was utter bs lol

 

I also think he doesn't know how to function in an adult relationship. Maybe the divorce has him confused

Edited February 8, 2018 by Ta222

[Ta222]

I stumbled on these articles from the baggage reclaimed site. Sounds familiar with the love bombing and moving the relationship so fast.

 

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/understanding-why-someone-fakes-a-future-with-you/

 

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/fast-forwarding-when-someone-speeds-you-through-dating/

[DevastatedJDC]

Their lies during breaking up are just a continuation of their lies and dishonesty in the relationship. They care so little about the person they're breaking up with that they don't even think that person deserves the truth. Most dumpers are breaking up for selfish reasons and they know if they were honest, they would look bad --- and they don't ever want to be seen for who they truly are, so they continue to lie.

[Vyliss]

I find it interesting how much "importance" people place on "words" instead of actions. This is a lesson for anyone who is dating... do not fall for the fancy words - the western world throws the word "love" around too easily. It doesn't actually MEAN what you think it means.

 

Love is an action - it's a consistent set of actions over a consistent period of TIME. Often takes YEARS to build and often involves going through tough, stressful, emotionally vulnerable times with that person - that's LOVE.

 

Someone telling you they love you and want to spend the rest of their life with you within first few months of dating is riding on the "infatuation train" - it's not really "love". It's the - I feel infatuated RIGHT NOW so I will throw poetry at you because that's what my feelings tell me to do (for now). Forever is a different story.

 

Do not confuse infatuation with love. Infatuation can last up to 2 years. If your relationship can endure after that, THEN perhaps real love will develop.

 

Relationships are not easy for a reason

[RecentChange]

Their lies during breaking up are just a continuation of their lies and dishonesty in the relationship. They care so little about the person they're breaking up with that they don't even think that person deserves the truth. Most dumpers are breaking up for selfish reasons and they know if they were honest, they would look bad --- and they don't ever want to be seen for who they truly are, so they continue to lie.

 

 

You can't say this as a blanket statement.

 

Sure, they are breaking up for a selfish reason. They don't want to be with you anymore more. They want to go down a different path. Call it selfish if you want but it is what it is.

 

As for lying, let's see... I can tell you a story about a time I dumped someone.

 

Should I have told him that I simply started to lose respect for him? That the initial glow had worn off I be started to see him in a different light. That while he was super hot, he was also kinda dumb and I couldn't take it any more?

 

That when I started to pull back he got super clingy. That when I started to be not so nice, he turned into a door mat and I lost the last thread of respect I had for him?

 

Did I tell him "it's not you, it's me" because I didn't care about hurting his feelings?

 

No, I told him that because I didn't want to hurt him. I told him that because he hadn't changed, my feelings had. Really he had done nothing wrong, we just weren't a match that was going to make it for the long haul.

 

Now, I have never made up a story about moving away etc. I always used the "it's not you, it's me" because that's the truth, MY feelings changed.

 

The last one I did tell the truth, that I had met someone else. I am sure that sucked, and it was hard for me to be truthful, but it was what it was (and I married that "someone else" so no regrets).

[Ta222]

I find it interesting how much "importance" people place on "words" instead of actions. This is a lesson for anyone who is dating... do not fall for the fancy words - the western world throws the word "love" around too easily. It doesn't actually MEAN what you think it means.

 

Love is an action - it's a consistent set of actions over a consistent period of TIME. Often takes YEARS to build and often involves going through tough, stressful, emotionally vulnerable times with that person - that's LOVE.

 

Someone telling you they love you and want to spend the rest of their life with you within first few months of dating is riding on the "infatuation train" - it's not really "love". It's the - I feel infatuated RIGHT NOW so I will throw poetry at you because that's what my feelings tell me to do (for now). Forever is a different story.

 

Do not confuse infatuation with love. Infatuation can last up to 2 years. If your relationship can endure after that, THEN perhaps real love will develop.

 

Relationships are not easy for a reason

 

 

It's unfortunate that I had to learn this the hard way! Is the infatuation directly correlated to the honeymoon phase? Meaning the newness of the relationship wears off and therefore the persons interest/feelings possibly have as well? I think a big factor to this failed relationship was also we didn't have a strong foundation or much of a foundation at all before jumping into a relationship. Curious as to why he rushed into another relationship right after though?

[Ta222]

You can't say this as a blanket statement.

 

Sure, they are breaking up for a selfish reason. They don't want to be with you anymore more. They want to go down a different path. Call it selfish if you want but it is what it is.

 

As for lying, let's see... I can tell you a story about a time I dumped someone.

 

Should I have told him that I simply started to lose respect for him? That the initial glow had worn off I be started to see him in a different light. That while he was super hot, he was also kinda dumb and I couldn't take it any more?

 

That when I started to pull back he got super clingy. That when I started to be not so nice, he turned into a door mat and I lost the last thread of respect I had for him?

 

Did I tell him "it's not you, it's me" because I didn't care about hurting his feelings?

 

No, I told him that because I didn't want to hurt him. I told him that because he hadn't changed, my feelings had. Really he had done nothing wrong, we just weren't a match that was going to make it for the long haul.

 

Now, I have never made up a story about moving away etc. I always used the "it's not you, it's me" because that's the truth, MY feelings changed.

 

The last one I did tell the truth, that I had met someone else. I am sure that sucked, and it was hard for me to be truthful, but it was what it was (and I married that "someone else" so no regrets).

 

 

Do you think if it wasn't a deal breaker per se of him being dumb you would have tried to talk through things? I think at least from my experience when I sensed him pulling away I get insecure so I cling on a bit more but when he declared all of that love and future talk throughout the relationship and just didn't even want to try to make it work it has me really confused.

[RecentChange]

Well, my situation is different as I never talked long futures with any boyfriends (only my husband), and only two have ever heard "I love you". My high school BF who dumped me when he went to college, and my husband who I am still with.

 

So no future faking or love bombing, just not totally truthful about why I was done.

 

As for trying to work it out - in that case, he wasn't going to magically get smarter, so that was out. Other cases? It just became clear we weren't meat to be, and my feelings for them were not strong enough to want to work it out.

 

As for clinging when someone pulls away, I understand why it happens.... But to me, it makes them lose their dignity, and my respect for them.

 

When I have been pulled back from, I took the hint and licked my wounds. I am too proud to grovel or chase.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Curious as to why he rushed into another relationship right after though?

 

 

Since he did this with you, I would think it to be expected he would do it again.

 

 

I wouldn't focus on who he is with now. I think it is more important that he chose not to be with you. What/who he does now can not be your concern. And luckily, it doesn't matter.

[Ta222]

Curious as to why he rushed into another relationship right after though?

 

 

Since he did this with you, I would think it to be expected he would do it again.

 

 

I wouldn't focus on who he is with now. I think it is more important that he chose not to be with you. What/who he does now can not be your concern. And luckily, it doesn't matter.

 

Meaning this is likely a pattern with him?

 

You're right there. It's been hard up until recently to do so as my ego kept thinking he only did this to me kind of thing.

[CantTakeMySmile]

I don't know if it is a pattern. But since he did it with you, I wouldn't think it to be odd that he would do it again.

[marky00]

Well, my situation is different as I never talked long futures with any boyfriends (only my husband), and only two have ever heard "I love you". My high school BF who dumped me when he went to college, and my husband who I am still with.

 

So no future faking or love bombing, just not totally truthful about why I was done.

 

As for trying to work it out - in that case, he wasn't going to magically get smarter, so that was out. Other cases? It just became clear we weren't meat to be, and my feelings for them were not strong enough to want to work it out.

 

As for clinging when someone pulls away, I understand why it happens.... But to me, it makes them lose their dignity, and my respect for them.

 

When I have been pulled back from, I took the hint and licked my wounds. I am too proud to grovel or chase.

 

Just depends whats going on in your life. If someone leaves you just after a death in your family or things of a similar, its natural that your probably going to find the breakup harder to handle.

 

I've been dumped by some girls I liked a lot and got over it quick and other times when it stung for a lot longer. Looking back now, I see it was more to do with what was going on in other aspects of my life.

[Ta222]

I don't know if it is a pattern. But since he did it with you, I wouldn't think it to be odd that he would do it again.

 

It's crazy to me. I've never personally seen someone get into relationships that quickly back to back with little to no time to reflect, learn from and just overall be able to be whole by yourself. I definitely want to take this time to really process/learn from my mistakes and be happy by myself again before I become involved with someone else.

[CantTakeMySmile]

It's crazy to me. I've never personally seen someone get into relationships that quickly back to back with little to no time to reflect, learn from and just overall be able to be whole by yourself. I definitely want to take this time to really process/learn from my mistakes and be happy by myself again before I become involved with someone else.

 

 

 

I guess, for me, it depends on how long I have dated someone, and how serious I felt it was. I dated someone about 18 months and though we had fun together, when we broke up, I wasn't sad. I didn't feel I need to process anything really. I was just ready to move on. So, for me, if the feelings don't actually run deep, I don't really need to reflect.

 

 

 

 

Then he was stalking my tweets until I blocked him and now he doesn't even go on it anymore.

 

 

Just curious, how do you know this?

[Ta222]

I guess, for me, it depends on how long I have dated someone, and how serious I felt it was. I dated someone about 18 months and though we had fun together, when we broke up, I wasn't sad. I didn't feel I need to process anything really. I was just ready to move on. So, for me, if the feelings don't actually run deep, I don't really need to reflect.

 

 

 

 

Then he was stalking my tweets until I blocked him and now he doesn't even go on it anymore.

 

 

Just curious, how do you know this?

 

 

Interesting. I guess it wasn't that serious to him as much as he claimed and said it was. This is what makes me believe he was never very sincere. I was dating him just two weeks into knowing him and official on fb just after a month of knowing him and he is doing it again.

 

As for the tweets. I know this because he originally created his account on my phone so I somehow still get his notifications on my phone even though I'm logged into mine. It says 20+ notifications still.

Edited February 9, 2018 by Ta222

[CantTakeMySmile]

Interesting. I guess it wasn't that serious to him as much as he claimed and said it was. This is what makes me believe he was never very sincere. I was dating him just two weeks into knowing him and official on fb just after a month of knowing him and he is doing it again.

 

As for the tweets. I know this because he originally created his account on my phone so I somehow still get his notifications on my phone even though I'm logged into mine. It says 20+ notifications still.

 

 

 

Well, I wouldn't put much meaning behind the "facebook" status. I don't think that really means too much. He doesn't seem very sincere. But, you never know... maybe he THINKS he IS sincere. Maybe he just moves on quickly. Maybe he has a short attend span.

 

 

All you can probably know is he is not your problem anymore. Be glad now then years from now!

[Ta222]

Well, I wouldn't put much meaning behind the "facebook" status. I don't think that really means too much. He doesn't seem very sincere. But, you never know... maybe he THINKS he IS sincere. Maybe he just moves on quickly. Maybe he has a short attend span.

 

 

All you can probably know is he is not your problem anymore. Be glad now then years from now!

 

He probably does think he is being sincere and he probably does have a short attention span. The whole thing just kind of weirds me out now. He involved himself in every aspect of my life quickly and to now see him do it again..yes you're right I'm glad it happened now rather than years later. For him to discard me from his life the way he did says a lot. I guess I shouldn't expect so much from someone who still never told me he was ever married before and that is with someone new while I still have my stuff at their place. Lol

[sour_pikle]

I thought that all at first yes. He actually never told me he was married himself I found out through Facebook on his exes page. He only ever told me ex. As for the feelings maybe I'm naive but for someone to insist on meeting your family after two weeks and telling you they want to have kids with you after a few months and saying he wants to spend his life with you to just nothing makes me question the sincerity to begin with because it was so easy for him to walk away and date someone else so fast. Then for his breakup reasonings he said he is moving and doesn't want me to move for him like he did for his ex so initially I believed it until I see him get in a relationship asap. He had a dinner with me after the fact and I asked him if that was the true reason and he said yes and was acting like he was concerned and told me to call him if I ever need him etc etc but now deleted me off everything. Initially I wanted to believe hey maybe he really isn't ready but the later actions make me question it. It's hard for me because I just don't understand. He also told me he had no interest in dating for awhile.

 

 

 

What do you hope to accomplish by "proving" he wasn't sincere with you?

 

 

He's gone, moved on. If he comes slithering back a few months from now....you know what to do.

 

 

Focus on yourself and why you let someone trick you with such insincere intentions.

 

 

Take care

[Ta222]

I guess I just don't want to be the only one he does this to as bad as that may sound.

[CantTakeMySmile]

I guess I just don't want to be the only one he does this to as bad as that may sound.

 

How does him hurting someone else diminish your hurt? That is mean to say that you want someone else to hurt because you do.

[Ta222]

How does him hurting someone else diminish your hurt? That is mean to say that you want someone else to hurt because you do.

 

Yeah you're right that does sound mean. This is more of my ego than wanting someone else to get hurt. The whole situation is just crazy to me and I've never been hurt or felt betrayed like this

[CantTakeMySmile]

You are very lucky you have never been hurt. Please don’t wish pain on someone else. We are all just trying to get by. Ego really has no place in love anyway.

[Ta222]

You are very lucky you have never been hurt. Please don’t wish pain on someone else. We are all just trying to get by. Ego really has no place in love anyway.

 

Absolutely. Sometimes my emotions get the best of me. I've been hurt before just not to this level of feeling blindsided, used and lied to. I guess what I meant by it is wondering if hes only treated me like this if that makes sense.