Ex tried to commit suicide, what responsibility do I have?

[justwhoiam]

You were a jerk, OP.

 

The fact that she has the habit of hitting the bottle doesn't speak for your value, as in you're not the better half of the duo. Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

She supported you financially when you were broke and homeless. She opened her home to you, so that you could have a roof over your head.

 

You impregnated her, and you must take FULL responsibility for that. You didn't take any responsibility, actually you ran away from it. You dropped her the moment you knew she was pregnant. You didn't help with the expenses she faced getting an abortion.

 

You had no sense of gratitude whatsoever. You used a woman with fragile stability. You were cruel.

 

What's exactly wrong with feeling guilty?

I can't sympathize with you.

[rachelangelo]

Thanks for being open and sharing. This does seem like a difficult situation. Sometimes you just have to know when to severe an unhealthy relationship. It seems to me that the two of you together causes friction. Perhaps the best way you can help her is by releasing her.

[pinkpaw]

To be honest, neither of you are good potential candidates for a relationship, never mind with one another.

 

You're an avoidant-dismissive type - and a very selfish, childish one at that and she quite obviously has an anxious-preoccupied attachment style. Of the two, however, you definitely are the one I would want to avoid the most.

 

The woman lacks self-esteem and confidence, but is otherwise caring and sweet by all accounts (or maybe she's caring and sweet BECAUSE she lacks self-esteem and feels this is how to get someone to value you). In any case, you do have some responsibility. If you never wanted the relationship, as you said, you should have made it crystal clear from the beginning and avoided going back to someone so obviously fragile and co-dependent, and definitely should NOT have used her kindness for your own problems of homelessness etc.

 

It makes me so uncomfortable to hear that people can reach 58 and still remain selfish like you are....as a serious question, how is it possible to evade self-awareness and reflection over so many years? I mean...60 YEARS is a long time not to activate your brain cells a bit deeper than simply 'getting my own needs met'.

[BC1980]

an update...I spoke to her. I called the unit she is on and asked how she was.

 

She said she was " fine". She did not want to speak about the current situation but just said she was sorry for the email and for causing me concern.

 

I told her it was ok and wished her well. I told her if she wanted to call later in the week to do so, and her response was that no, the email at that point had been genuine, and if we were to reengage at this point she would only feel as though I felt guilty and that would make her feel worse. I told her I genuinely hoped she felt better in the future.

 

 

So there you have it folks.

 

I'd leave it at this and cease all contact. An ex is about one of the worst people to try to help or comfort you in a bad time. Exes have their own emotional baggage, so an ex can't really help you deal with other problems. An ex will just make all the problems worse. Furthermore, she's got to learn how to face up to her demons on her own. Attempting suicide is an extreme way to deal with a breakup, so it tells me there are other factors at work. Her abortion is probably a big factor. Also, her drinking problem lets you know she wasn't exactly stable when you met her.

 

I realize it's normal to feel guilt over your actions. We all do, and we've all had to decide if we need to apologize or not. I don't blame you for feeling guilty over some of your actions; I think that's appropriate, but something really important to learn is that apologies are almost always for the ones who are doing the apologizing. It's really just to lift some kind of guilt off your shoulders. She can move on with or without an apology from you.

[darkmoon]

she is under the care of a doctor, so I would pass, for you can not be held responsible for her indefinitely, being a carer to anybody is a heavy duty for a boyf (or girlf) to carry, it is a matter of being on stand-by 24/7/365

 

you can not fix her, only she can do the work on her self, if she wants to, which so far has not happened

 

somethings mutual friends and aquaintances need to see

 

38 is not that young, not like 18 and new to adult life

Edited February 7, 2018 by darkmoon

[floatingaway]

I agree that 38 is not 18.

 

However, this took me by surprise the more I think about it.

 

yes, I KNEW she had issues.

 

She seemed quite strong despite these things. I know, and any educated adult knows that mental illness is not something we choose. Aside from her drinking, I did witness her be pro active about her mental health while knowing her.

 

I witnessed her get treatment for her drinking problem. She did struggle with it though.

 

Her son is 18, and moved out and in with his other parent when he returned to our city two years ago with the woman he left her for years ago. I have never heard her utter a bad word about anyone in that situation, and remains cordial with her ex and new partner. She still sees her son regularly and supports him financially, but I can see now in hindsight how difficult that must have been for her.

 

Her family is highly dysfunctional, and they treat her horribly. Some outright verbal abuse and a lot of misunderstandings. She accepts her part and her role, and I have witnessed this, but these people do not give her a chance. She always smiled and said it was ok, but I know this has to hurt.

 

She has a group of friends she has been friends for 20 + years, but in her attempts to stop drinking, she has diseengaged for the most part. I have met these friends, and they are good people, , but they do drink heavily and don't understand her alcohol struggles. I know it took her a long time to realize and understand she had to seperate from them in order to get better....I also see now how lonely that must be for her.

 

She will do anything for anyone. I have seen her be taken advantage of. She is not stupid, but she always told me she would rather help people when they need it and be taken advantage of sometimes than not be there for those who need it.

 

She works a very demanding, depressing job. And she is quite good at what she does. Her work ethic surpasses most people.

 

She was in an accident several years ago that took the lives of several people. Was not her fault, but in hindsight I see how she goes on a drinking binge every year around that time that last 2-3 days.

 

She still laughs a lot and makes other people laugh all the time...her humor is one of the best things about her.

 

In hindsight though, I didn't think about how lonely she must be and how little support she has in reality.

 

I did not think my actions mattered that much in the grand scheme of things.

 

I absolutely do not hate her. I just did not think we were a good match and went no contact.

 

I didn't help anything. I don't think she did this because of " me". We broke up months ago, and after hearing more of the attempt, she meant what she was going to do and she had sent off several apology letters to people.

 

I don't know. She definitely has her flaws. She can be clingy, she DID get much too intoxicated on many occasions. She hates housework ( leaves dishes for a couple of days...leaves clothes on the floor )...is EXTREMELY disorganized ( always leaving things places, losing things etc).....but I was awful to her.

 

I spoke to her again and she is home now. I am going to see her this weekend, and I am going to talk to her about some things.

 

I think I owe her that.

[BC1980]

I spoke to her again and she is home now. I am going to see her this weekend, and I am going to talk to her about some things.

 

I think I owe her that.

 

Do you have anything specific you are going to talk to her about? I'm worried she might take your visit as hope you two will get back together.

[Timshel]

I would encourage you, once again, to stay away. You are wanting to contact her to appease your own guilt.

 

Picture this, you have your moments with this woman...explain your sorrow for treating her horribly. You hug her, maybe you both cry together....then, you walk away, again.

Do you really believe that she will have her epiphany of happiness and say, God speed...we'll always be friends...thank you, floatingaway.

 

Or worse, you will open the fresh wound and she will return to square one of her pain.

 

I know that your feelings of remorse for taking advantage of a wounded soul is bothering the mess out of you.

 

If you want to do something that is not selfish, leave her alone to heal and for once do not attempt to salve your guilt by asking for forgiveness.

Still shallow, still for you.

[todreaminblue]

you aren't responsible for her welfare even though by the sounds of it ...she actually took you on and gave you a roof over your head because as you posted you were "stuck"...so she took responisbilyt for you...sghe shouldnt have.. that was her mistake however she should have left you homeless....

 

you aren't responsible for her suicide attempt you are however responsible for your own actions ....you are responsible for what you do and say to others...if you cause harm to others ..damn oath you are responsible......you feel guilty because you should feel guilty ...you know you have done wrong...guilt is a sign of a conscience...you messed around slept with and took advantage of a mentally unwell woman with drinking issues...and yes mentally unwell people can be gentle and soft and kind,....too forgiving and too generous they can also hold down jobs support others and have many friends who love them....sounds like her huh....

 

a suicide attempt should never be taken lightly in the future dont assume its a cry for attention...like ever.....

 

maybe this situation has made you a more understanding person.....a person who is more apt to think before using someone for a place to stay and a root .....that ends up in an abortion clinic....

 

do not tell her to call you again as you have...leave her alone now and learn to treat people as you wish to be treated...no absolution from me...i think you arent a nice guy at all..you took advantage of a vulnerable woman drove her to an abortion that she paid for and drove her home after she had her guts ripped out...what a man..........

 

 

maybe you might be in the future..an actual nicer guy to women.....and more respectful....at the moment and from what you have written so blase.....nah i cant ...no comment...actually i will comment......i feel for her and im sending her good vibes and healing thoughts...get a vasectomy or date women your own age who arent of child birthing ages....im trying to remember we all make mistakes..horrible ones that hurt others and cause them extreme pain..........maybe if i chant that for a while i might mean these next two words.....best wishes.....nah...best wishes are for her.......

 

you need to mature more and realize what you are responsible for...then ill say best wishes to you...because if you ever feel what you have done was justified...you are going to hurt another....and i am sending vibes you act your age from now on and have some wisdom in you..ill pray for that........so you can float on......harmless instead harmful........deb

Edited February 10, 2018 by todreaminblue

[HiCrunchy]

I would encourage you, once again, to stay away. You are wanting to contact her to appease your own guilt.

 

Picture this, you have your moments with this woman...explain your sorrow for treating her horribly. You hug her, maybe you both cry together....then, you walk away, again.

Do you really believe that she will have her epiphany of happiness and say, God speed...we'll always be friends...thank you, floatingaway.

 

Or worse, you will open the fresh wound and she will return to square one of her pain.

 

I know that your feelings of remorse for taking advantage of a wounded soul is bothering the mess out of you.

 

If you want to do something that is not selfish, leave her alone to heal and for once do not attempt to salve your guilt by asking for forgiveness.

Still shallow, still for you.

 

I wish I could like this a million times!! That is what I was saying in my last post.

 

 

OP, you didn't care enough not to treat her badly and use her, you didn't care enough not to dump her and never speak to her again, you didn't care enough when she got pregnant or got the abortion.

Why care for her now?

She doesn't need to appease your guilt. Leave her alone.

[LivingWaterPlease]

So do I apologize?

 

She did not blame me in the email. She was very explicitly stating she was apologizing for being a horrible person.

 

She has some great qualities....but she drove me crazy.

 

I never intended to be serious with her and things just went on for a length of time. I moved in her not as a couple, but because I was stuck and she offered many times. She saw me recently with another woman and of course I received a message the next day in which she went on saying what she remembered about me was that she was not allowed to approach me in public but I still took her home at the end of the night...and that she had convinced herself that I treated everyone that way but seeing the way I was with the other woman showed her it wasn't true.

 

I feel badly about these things, but every situation is different. If an apology would help, I may reach out but how would it? and what would I even say?

 

floating away, you gave a lot of information in your OP but you left a lot out, too.

 

You already have written several times that you feel guilty and I'm not posting to make you feel more guilty. I am posting to try to contribute to helping you move on and to relieve your guilt. But more importantly I'm posting to encourage you to honor this human being who seems to have gotten very connected with you through being intimate, getting pregnant with your baby, and taking you into her home when you needed a place to stay.

 

The experience you had with her was very different than the one she had with you. You have stated she has drinking issues and is emotionally unstable.

 

You are very fortunate now, though, as she is also, since she wasn't successful in taking her life. You both have an opportunity to heal and move on.

 

In your place this is what I would do. I would write her a letter apologizing to her and telling her that though you aren't trying to continue a relationship with her if she has things she needs to say to you, you will meet with her in the office of a counselor so that she can process anything she needs to.

 

I have done this with someone in similar circumstances though he didn't make an attempt on his life. We did meet in a counselor's office so that the counselor could make sure things were done in such as way as to leave no doubt in his mind I never wanted any contact with him again. He was also able to process thoughts and feelings he had about me and the dating we did together.

 

That was it for me. I never responded or spoke to him again and never felt guilty about it.

 

I believe you could do this woman a great kindness by taking this step and I don't believe you would be leading her on by doing it.

[usa1ah]

So, you told no one about the email she sent you until people were already looking for her?

 

Next time when someone that you know is a little unstable upstairs says for the first time that they are going to take their own life, call the police.

 

I agree the two of you aren’t a good match, but that never stopped you from getting it when ever you wanted it. But how calluses one has to be to ignore that email then when asked, well I did receive a disturbing email.

 

As you will be better off with out her. She most definitely will be better off with out you.

 

To think she took you in when no one else would. How you paid her back is wonderful.

Edited February 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[usa1ah]

Yes a little sarcasm in my last post.

 

But you have to man up and face your responsibility in this.

 

You should feel guilty because you are old enough to know better.

 

You know she has problems and you keep bouncing in and out of her life whenever it suited you. Moved in with her, got her pregnant, had her abort and never was there for her when she needed you.

 

In my opinion you should feel guilty for this. Because you made her feel as though she was a horrible person.

[todreaminblue]

i was also harsh in my post....i apologise that i just cant be supportive of what you have done to a woman who was vulnerable......i don't think you have done the right thing by this lady from day dot..where as from the sounds of it......she cared for you.....

 

i do believe we as human beings have a duty of care towards others and i do believe a responsibility to be honest and have integrity towards others....and most of all ...to show kindness even when we dont feel it...i hope that maybe you might in the future do as living water put forward so gracefully an option for you....to help this lady find peace .....deb

[NopeNah]

Not trying to 'dog on you' for the way you handled things with this lady,but just leave her alone now. No need to see her and start the insanity back up again. At least that's what I'd do. Wish her well and you both move on.

[Thingsfallapart]

Op,

 

Your lover had an abortion and you made her pay for it herself???

Wow, I am actually speechless...

 

Are you responsible? It seems you played a large part. You used her for sex and then threw her away like trash when you felt she became a burden.

You didn’t exactly break up in a nature way either. Over the phone?

You used her to give you a place to stay and help you financially...

You didn’t help or support her through the abortion either...

You treated her like trash and didn’t help her get through the abortion at all, you didn’t even try, so ofcourse you’re partly to blame.

Edited February 10, 2018 by Thingsfallapart

[rickwman]

I can tell that you still care for her. I'm sorry you / she felt that you had to end the life of her baby. She should not make the mistake of trying to face this challenge alone. She should reach out to friends, family, neighbors and other trusted members of the community. Build a support network. Pull in anybody you can think of who might be able to help - a pastor, a youth leader, a teacher, a coach, or a professional counselor. Ask yourself, "Who do you think you could talk to about these negative feelings?" Follow through by offering to set up an appointment with that person. Maybe you and other acquantances can help her.

[floatingaway]

I am going to see her in an hour and a half.

 

I am unsure how this is going to go...I'm not sure if we should just eat a meal and keep it light...do I bring up my new love interest? If she asks, she will be encouraging...but that doesn't mean she's okay with it.

 

Do I keep things light? Do I apologize?

 

I am unsure how to respond....she either avoids topics or lays it all out on the table...I am unsure how this will go, but I hope it goes well.

[Veronica73]

Why are you asking? It seems like most people (or maybe I’m wrong-not going to go back and read through it all) think you should stay away from her and let her move on. You were a complete ass. Maybe sincerely apologize for the way you treated her (if that is possible) while making it clear that you have no interest in starting things up with her again. And then keep it light? I seriously don’t think you have the capability to be a reliable or trustworthy friend for her.

 

(Edit)Sorry I’m not more help. Hopefully somebody else chimes in, because I’m not the most emotionally intelligent person out there!

[springy]

I am going to see her in an hour and a half.

 

This seems like a really bad idea. The phone call apology should have been the end of it, if even that.