smackie9 Posted January 23, 2018 Share Posted January 23, 2018 Were these actual relationships? or you were simply dating without real exclusivity...they were multi daters dating you? Link to post Share on other sites
she'stheone Posted January 23, 2018 Share Posted January 23, 2018 Hi rebeccamuller, Sorry you're having such a tough go of things. You obviously have some self-esteem and trust issues, which is totally understandable. You need to begin to work on yourself. Most people who have trust issues do NOT trust themselves and since they BELIEVE that people aren't trustworthy (how can we trust anyone when we can't trust ourselves?) they prove out their beliefs by being with untrustworthy people. (This is NOT on a conscious level) I'm guessing somewhere in your life, someone very close to you broke your trust. This caused you to question your ability to trust yourself. ("I trusted this person when they weren't trust worthy. How can I trust myself to make good decisions when I allowed someone to break my trust?") What the right therapist might be able to do is help you release the pain around your inability to trust yourself and change your beliefs to more empowering ones. You can also do personal development and spiritual work which can also help you with this. I personally, do some sort of personal development/spiritual work each and everyday. Whether it's meditation, reading or just allowing my pain to come up and through me (Translation...I cry a lot:p). Sending you much love and light Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 23, 2018 Share Posted January 23, 2018 Repeat to yourself If he cheats then he cheats, you cannot control him. If one day he turns to be a cheater you'll simply break up with him and you'll move on to someone better. You survived 3 cheaters you'll survive this one just fine. Now, coming across a cheater once or twice in a life time is normal but you sound young and you've already dated 3 cheaters. You need to look at why. You may have a hard time identifying a man worthy of your time and feelings. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rebeccamuller Posted February 3, 2018 Author Share Posted February 3, 2018 Should i be concerned if i see my boyfriend like another girls photo on Facebook?? Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 I look at other women when I'm at the beach with my girlfriend, but I'm still going home with her... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 Everyone looks what's on the menu....just as long they don't place an order. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 No you should not be concerned. Social media is not real. However it does depend on what the post said. If the other women posted "come on over & have sex with me, [your BF]" yes that is cause for concern. If she posted a status update about herself, it scrolled through his feed & he clicked like, that is meaningless. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rebeccamuller Posted February 4, 2018 Author Share Posted February 4, 2018 So me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 5 months now. So far things have gone pretty well. Before me, he dated this one girl and she ended up cheating on him so they broke up and a few months later she got pregnant by some other guy. I have always been worried that i was just a rebound for him. But when we started talking he said they had broken up almost a year ago. I got over my fear because he literally begged me to date him and because i was so skeptical i tried to end things more than once and every time he has broken down into tears saying he doesn’t want to lose me and that he’s scared to lose me. Why would you cry that much over someone you don’t actually care about right? But his ex just had her baby and i noticed he unfriended her on FB right before. Since she’s had her baby i have felt that he’s been acting strange. He still sends me sweet messages and tells me he loves me but something about him just seems off here recently. I don’t want to beat a dead horse because when i ask if he’s okay he says yes but it’s worrying me. Also he talks a lot about the future. I’m not sure if this is a red flag considering we’ve only been together 5 months. So I’m not sure if he’s just telling me what he thinks i want to hear or if he really means it? All i know is this is giving me a ton of anxiety. Does he still have feelings for his ex? Am i just a rebound? Is he honestly wanting to spend his life with me? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 Rebecca, do you have any ability to talk with a counsellor? You have a lot of questions about your relationship, which makes me think that you don't have a strong sense of what is "healthy" in a relationship. You also have some pretty significant issues with trust. Counselling would help with this, and also the anxiety that you are feeling... As to your question, we can't really say for certain whether he still has feelings for his ex. It would be reasonable to expect that he has some issues to deal with from that relationship. It does also sound like he has thrown himself into another relationship with you... Is it normal for a man to be talking about the future after five months, sure. That's a good length of time to be dating, it's probably fairly reasonable to start thinking about a possible future together. But, if it doesn't feel right to you and this relationship is causing you anxiety... You slow it down and/or let him go. Don't do anything you don't want to do, if you are not feeling comfortable. And please, try to find a counsellor... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 You are young & inexperienced. You haven't had a good run of trustworthy BFs & you are still finding your path. Part of your confusion comes from that fact that I don't see you having a good sense of self. Forget him for a second. What do you want? What does a proper BF look like for you? How does he behave? How does he treat you? Now, are you getting that from your guy? If not, revisit your list. If there are pie in the sky unrealistic things on there, put them aside. Life isn't a fairy tale . . . you're not going to get flowers every day, or love poems . . . but is he honest? Does he make you laugh? Does he show you how he cares? Does he listen? Do you trust him? Do you like him as a person (his values, the way he thinks etc.)? Do you find him attractive? If you that those, you have something. If the fundamentals are missing, take a more objective look at the relationship. Now, as for this baby . . . The reality that somebody he cared about not only cheated on him but has produced a life as a result of that liaison is shocking & disconcerting to him. At 21 he's not ready to be a dad & he knows it but he watched somebody he knew & loved make this life altering change to her life & he's taking some stock of what's important to him. You two have not been intimate according to your other posts. For him really knowing that sex can cause pregnancy may be part of the reason he's been patient with you. I doubt after all this time he wants the cheater back or that he wants to raise her child as his but that baby's existence is giving him a lot to think about. As utterly ridiculous as social media is, the fact that he only unfriended her after the baby is pretty messed up. I don't understand why he didn't severe ties when they broke up. Do something to take both your minds off the baby. Focus on how you two can deepen your connections to each other. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rebeccamuller Posted February 4, 2018 Author Share Posted February 4, 2018 You are young & inexperienced. You haven't had a good run of trustworthy BFs & you are still finding your path. Part of your confusion comes from that fact that I don't see you having a good sense of self. Forget him for a second. What do you want? What does a proper BF look like for you? How does he behave? How does he treat you? Now, are you getting that from your guy? If not, revisit your list. If there are pie in the sky unrealistic things on there, put them aside. Life isn't a fairy tale . . . you're not going to get flowers every day, or love poems . . . but is he honest? Does he make you laugh? Does he show you how he cares? Does he listen? Do you trust him? Do you like him as a person (his values, the way he thinks etc.)? Do you find him attractive? If you that those, you have something. If the fundamentals are missing, take a more objective look at the relationship. Now, as for this baby . . . The reality that somebody he cared about not only cheated on him but has produced a life as a result of that liaison is shocking & disconcerting to him. At 21 he's not ready to be a dad & he knows it but he watched somebody he knew & loved make this life altering change to her life & he's taking some stock of what's important to him. You two have not been intimate according to your other posts. For him really knowing that sex can cause pregnancy may be part of the reason he's been patient with you. I doubt after all this time he wants the cheater back or that he wants to raise her child as his but that baby's existence is giving him a lot to think about. As utterly ridiculous as social media is, the fact that he only unfriended her after the baby is pretty messed up. I don't understand why he didn't severe ties when they broke up. Do something to take both your minds off the baby. Focus on how you two can deepen your connections to each other. This really helped. To answer all of those questions, yes he does listen to me, he shows me that he cares, he’s an amazing person, he doesn’t push anything on me, and he’s never done anything to make me not be able to trust him. And i know he does all of these things but i can’t help but still be worried every time something changes. I’m not very experienced in serious relationships so when things started getting comfortable and he started trying less to get me, i completely panicked and thought he was losing interest. Now, knowing about this ex is also causing me to be a little insecure in our relationship. Now I’m afraid i was a rebound or I’m afraid I’m not as good of a girlfriend as she was. I know all of these are naive in an adult relationship but it is still hard to not overthink. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 Because you can't stop overthinking on your own, consider BaileyB's suggestion that you get a counselor. If that is not to your liking, at least start reading books about developing more self confidence & self esteem. At 20 I thought I was the cat's meow & if some guy didn't like me, well, <bleep> him, there are plenty of fish in the sea. I think you have a good guy on your hands but I also know you will wreck it & every other relationship you ever have if you don't get a handle on your own insecurities. Until you are a confident healthy person, you can't be a good partner to anybody else. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 This really helped. To answer all of those questions, yes he does listen to me, he shows me that he cares, he’s an amazing person, he doesn’t push anything on me, and he’s never done anything to make me not be able to trust him. And i know he does all of these things but i can’t help but still be worried every time something changes. I’m not very experienced in serious relationships so when things started getting comfortable and he started trying less to get me, i completely panicked and thought he was losing interest. Now, knowing about this ex is also causing me to be a little insecure in our relationship. I’m afraid I’m not as good of a girlfriend as she was. Two thoughts. Relationships are always wonderful when they start, but it's hard to keep up the texting, interest, and attention as time goes by... They do become more comfortable, and that's actually a good thing. But, it does make you wonder and question when the relationship changes and the initial interest and butterflies cool down... If he does all those things for you, then that tells you that he is a good guy and he cares about you. That's really important to know. And finally, she clearly wasn't a very good girlfriend to him. She cheated on him. As Donnivain said, it's highly unlikely that he will want to go back to a woman who cheated on him and now has a small child. Comparing yourself to another woman or a previous relationship is unwise, it will only cause you misery and fuel your insecurity. Just focus on being the best girlfriend you can be and have fun with him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 I think you have a good guy on your hands but I also know you will wreck it & every other relationship you ever have if you don't get a handle on your own insecurities. Until you are a confident healthy person, you can't be a good partner to anybody else. As usual, Donnivain said it so much better than me... You are still young and still finding your way... Focus on developing your own self confidence, learn to manage your anxiety, and you will be fine. Good luck to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 I’m afraid I’m not as good of a girlfriend as she was. What?!!! How can some chick who cheated on him be a better GF then you? If the standard is all you have to do is be faithful, why do you think you can't hurdle such a low bar? If your self esteem is that low, you have your work cut out for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 I got over my fear because he literally begged me to date him and because i was so skeptical i tried to end things more than once and every time he has broken down into tears saying he doesn’t want to lose me and that he’s scared to lose me. Why would you cry that much over someone you don’t actually care about right? You consider all that crying and begging a good thing, while it actually isn't. It's his unresolved issues speaking not love and fear of losing you. Be very wary of someone is that attached and emotional over you after just a few months of dating. Maybe you're having all these doubts because deep inside you know he isn't fully healed yet. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 I'm ok with a man liking pictures of friends and colleagues, but it has to be non-suggestive, decent ones. There is no reason to be all over social medias putting likes on random sexy women, perfectly enough to just look at them privately and leave them be, out of respect to your SO. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 Should i be concerned if i see my boyfriend like another girls photo on Facebook?? It depends on the picture. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 I think it's disrespectful if he is liking suggestive or sexy pictures. Or even a lot of pictures of the same co-worker for example. All decent men that I know never do stuff like that, only sleazeballs do. Link to post Share on other sites
Jj66 Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 When I like a woman's photo it can mean one of two things: 1. I like the picture 2. I want to take her home and bend her over my couch. Almost always it's #1 which is zero concern. I wouldn't worry one bit unless you also notice a pattern of flirting going on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jj66 Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 You consider all that crying and begging a good thing, while it actually isn't. It's his unresolved issues speaking not love and fear of losing you. Be very wary of someone is that attached and emotional over you after just a few months of dating. Maybe you're having all these doubts because deep inside you know he isn't fully healed yet. The crying and begging part also alarmed me. It says to me "I can't bear to be alone." 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 The crying & begging after such a short time knowing Rebecca is unhealthy on the BF's part. It doesn't tell me he loves Rebecca or that he wants his EX back. I do agree with Jj66. It seems like he can't be alone, which is not good either. However, the BF is also young & maybe he is sincere. I'm not saying break up with him. I am saying, Rebecca you need to believe in yourself more and you need to keep your eyes & ears open around your BF. Don't be paranoid or suspicious, just observant. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 The crying and begging part also alarmed me. It says to me "I can't bear to be alone." Ya I get the feeling he's a bit of a cling-on....in love with the idea of being in a relaitonship that's leading towards marriage and kids, but not in love with the actual person he is with. I totally understand why the OP has reservations about what comes out of his mouth. Keep your eyes wide open OP....be careful. IMO I smell the bs too, even from here. If it's too good to be true, then it is. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 In what ways has he seemed "off" since the baby was born, OP? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rebeccamuller Posted February 4, 2018 Author Share Posted February 4, 2018 In what ways has he seemed "off" since the baby was born, OP? I’m not entirely sure how to put it. When we’re together he seems fine but when we’re apart he seems distant while we’re texting. Also the boy that his ex got pregnant by is African American and he’s made a few comments about me leaving him for a “black guy” So that makes me think he’s not over it Link to post Share on other sites
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