d0nnivain Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 Hi! To answer some of your queries, it was not in an office setting. It was the graduation of our manager’s son so he booked a private room in one of the restos in the city. The guy was not able to join us due to work conflicts but still he stopped by to pay his respects to our manager. And no, he is not married or dating anyone at the moment. I hope this helps. It is more evidence that he does like you but that setting is even worse. He undermined your power by treating you as a sexual object in front of your boss. My HUSBAND wouldn't do something so blatantly sexual to me in front of my boss in any setting. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 I must agree with all the posters who said it's not OK. He got up from his chair and walked up to you. He stood behind you (position of power) and started massaging your shoulders, unsolicited and in a social context, as if it were nothing and -if I got it right - while still talking to others. In short he tried to make his gesture pass as a normal thing and nothing to even give a thought. It's wrong because: 1. he overstepped your boundaries 2. he caught you offguard and, in turn, you didn't have any reaction, as you were a bit puzzled as to what that all meant 3. he did it in front of others knowing that usually people don't make scenes in front of others and (this is psychology), as no one said anything, he got away with it TWICE (the object of interest can't see it as inappropriate, because everyone was there and it seemed normal) 4. the guy is single and apparently good-looking, and that seems to be enough for him to get away with such things (he might feel she'd gush all over him and he took advantage of that) 5. it doesn't look like he did it naively, so that it can essentially be condoned, rather with the purpose of testing the waters with her 6. he made her think he likes her, but his behavior seems to go another direction, which is: using her (naive girls are very much at risk of being used and get hurt) 7. that opened the door to redoing the same in other situations or pushing it a bit further: if nothing was said the first and second time, why would it be wrong a third time? 8. all of the above will be perceived as you being consensual, even if that started to make you feel uncomfortable or you decide (wisely) to turn down his touchy-feely approach. OP, men who like you and have a romantic interest in you usually don't act this way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 This is the smartest and most comprehensive response I have read in answer to this posting; It's wrong because: 1. he overstepped your boundaries 2. he caught you offguard and, in turn, you didn't have any reaction, as you were a bit puzzled as to what that all meant 3. he did it in front of others knowing that usually people don't make scenes in front of others and (this is psychology), as no one said anything, he got away with it TWICE (the object of interest can't see it as inappropriate, because everyone was there and it seemed normal) 4. the guy is single and apparently good-looking, and that seems to be enough for him to get away with such things (he might feel she'd gush all over him and he took advantage of that) 5. it doesn't look like he did it naively, so that it can essentially be condoned, rather with the purpose of testing the waters with her 6. he made her think he likes her, but his behavior seems to go another direction, which is: using her (naive girls are very much at risk of being used and get hurt) 7. that opened the door to redoing the same in other situations or pushing it a bit further: if nothing was said the first and second time, why would it be wrong a third time? 8. all of the above will be perceived as you being consensual, even if that started to make you feel uncomfortable or you decide (wisely) to turn down his touchy-feely approach. OP, men who like you and have a romantic interest in you usually don't act this way. It summarises what many of us have been saying - please take note OP 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 I’ve known guys that do that shoulder massage thing, they just randomly come up and start massaging a stranger’s shoulders. They usually do it to anyone whenever the urge comes. It really means nothing except that they don’t believe in the concept of personal space. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 I’ve known guys that do that shoulder massage thing, they just randomly come up and start massaging a stranger’s shoulders. They usually do it to anyone whenever the urge comes. It really means nothing except that they don’t believe in the concept of personal space. And they got no game but plenty of creep. They're like the sexual harassing version of those unsolicited dudes who approach you and try to stick their mixtape in your hand when you are walking down the street. Then they hold out their hand and say $10. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 30, 2018 Share Posted January 30, 2018 I’ve known guys that do that shoulder massage thing, they just randomly come up and start massaging a stranger’s shoulders. They usually do it to anyone whenever the urge comes. It really means nothing except that they don’t believe in the concept of personal space. I know lots of people who do this is purely social situations. I used to be one of them. But there is a time & a place for everything. For this guy to do this to the OP in front of the OP's boss was wrong. It doesn't matter that this happened at a party in a restaurant. The boss was hosting. This was more a work event then anything else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 I’ve known guys that do that shoulder massage thing, they just randomly come up and start massaging a stranger’s shoulders. They usually do it to anyone whenever the urge comes. It really means nothing except that they don’t believe in the concept of personal space. BS. There were many people around and other people at the same table with the OP. He went to her only. Twice. This is by no means random. Sorry. If he said: "I didn't even realize", I wouldn't buy it. Also, if you only pick a woman to do that and you'd never even think of doing that to another guy, that by itself means that it's not random. So, think about this: he wouldn't make another man uncomfortable, but - for some reason - he couldn't care less if he makes a woman uncomfortable. This is the quintessence of double standards. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 Hi! To answer some of your queries, it was not in an office setting. It was the graduation of our manager’s son so he booked a private room in one of the restos in the city. The guy was not able to join us due to work conflicts but still he stopped by to pay his respects to our manager. And no, he is not married or dating anyone at the moment. I hope this helps. honestly i don't know the guy so if he was doing a power play or not you might though is he like that?...the fact you state that that the room was your managers sons graduation.....for me makes it informal.....you guys get together informally and hang out afte rwork ..invite each other to family things etc.... he did seem to single you out....and unless he is a total dick he probably likes you..i do think it was a bold move ...what i am really curious about ......is how did you feel about him doing that to you?..did you feel he crossed boundaries or were you pleasantly surprised and felt alright about it........thats whats important i guess...for me i would have found it awkies...but how did you feel...deb Link to post Share on other sites
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