Thoughts/stories re introducing new bf/gf to kids?

[MJJean]

I'm very careful about not making him a part of her life. I know it sounds bad, but I don't want her to get attached.

 

So maybe we worry about these things more than necessary?

 

I never did understand this kind of thinking. Kids meet and get attached to people who will leave their lives all the time.

 

Every year they meet a new teacher, befriend classmates, get close to kids and coaches on sports teams, neighbors, etc. The following year, they get a new teacher, some of their neighborhood friends move away, some of their classmates disappear, their teammates change up, they get new coaches, and so on. Then there are family members that move away, die, or simply have drama and stop speaking to each other. Of course, parents have friends, too, that the kids know and care about. Sometimes, those folks also move away or stop speaking to each other. Seems to me that it's a normal part of childhood and development to become attached to people who aren't always going to be a part of their lives.

 

 

I met my DH when my kids were 6 and 1 years old. I had a fairly active social life and it wasn't uncommon for friends to come over for BBQ, cards, movie and pizza, etc. It also wasn't uncommon for me to load up the kids and their gear to meet up with friends at some festival or event. So, I had some friends over, my DH was one of them, and that's how he met the kids the first few times. After a month or so of that we started spending time together alone with the kids around, sharing meals, watching shows, occasionally going out to some event or other, that kind of thing.

 

If it wouldn't have worked out I would have seen it as a teaching moment. Something like 80% of all relationships end prior to marriage. Of the 20% that make it to marriage, a little less than half end in divorce. I think it's important for kids to understand that A) it's ok to end a relationship if it just isn't working and B) people feel sad when a relationship ends, but the sky isn't falling and life goes on.

[grays]

ITA, MJJean. I am happy for my kids to have a good idea of what my dating life is like. Just as married parents would want their marriage to be a positive role model for a marriage, I want my dating life to be a positive role model for singleness.

[d0nnivain]

When kids meet teachers they know those roll models will be in their lives for a limited time. With their parents' SO, the younger the child the more that child may assume the SO will be around forever.

 

You seem to have open communication with your children. If you think they can handle it, fine.

 

I see lots of reasons to be cautious.

[noelle303]

I never did understand this kind of thinking. Kids meet and get attached to people who will leave their lives all the time.

 

Every year they meet a new teacher, befriend classmates, get close to kids and coaches on sports teams, neighbors, etc. The following year, they get a new teacher, some of their neighborhood friends move away, some of their classmates disappear, their teammates change up, they get new coaches, and so on. Then there are family members that move away, die, or simply have drama and stop speaking to each other. Of course, parents have friends, too, that the kids know and care about. Sometimes, those folks also move away or stop speaking to each other. Seems to me that it's a normal part of childhood and development to become attached to people who aren't always going to be a part of their lives.

 

 

I met my DH when my kids were 6 and 1 years old. I had a fairly active social life and it wasn't uncommon for friends to come over for BBQ, cards, movie and pizza, etc. It also wasn't uncommon for me to load up the kids and their gear to meet up with friends at some festival or event. So, I had some friends over, my DH was one of them, and that's how he met the kids the first few times. After a month or so of that we started spending time together alone with the kids around, sharing meals, watching shows, occasionally going out to some event or other, that kind of thing.

 

If it wouldn't have worked out I would have seen it as a teaching moment. Something like 80% of all relationships end prior to marriage. Of the 20% that make it to marriage, a little less than half end in divorce. I think it's important for kids to understand that A) it's ok to end a relationship if it just isn't working and B) people feel sad when a relationship ends, but the sky isn't falling and life goes on.

 

 

I see it a little bit differently. I feel like family is something permanent, at least I think it should be when it comes to the life of a small child. And I don't want to put a new person in her family circle, someone who may or may not be around.

 

I don't want her childhood memories as well as my memories of her childhood to have random people in them. I don't want her to remember "that time we went to Disneyland with mom's ex".

 

I'm fine with introducing them on a friendly basis, just like she knows other friends of mine, but actually bonding and getting attached to each other, I'm not ok with until I know it's going to last.

 

I feel like when she's older that might change, but as of now I believe that keeping dating and motherhood separate is the way to go.

[BluesPower]

Reading some of the responses here made me... think of one bad experience I had meeting kids of one of my GF's.

 

I was head over heels for this one, we were together for a few months, and she had a 2 YO and a 12 YO that I fell in love with. They were both great kids that had some rough times.

 

The 2 YO, boy, had not had great role models before and he became very attached to me and me to him. Attached in that he only wanted me when I was around, and it kind of pissed his mom off.

 

Now I should say that I am great with kids, esp babies and toddlers. In fact, I am called the baby whisperer, because I can calm any baby. Basically I just love babies.

 

So, for what ever reason, this girl pulled away from me and forced me to break up with her. The whole thing sucked, because I did love her, and frankly still do.

 

So breaking up with her was bad enough, but not seeing the kids, still makes me cry when I think about it. That S*** hurts, a lot.

[BaileyB]

 

So breaking up with her was bad enough, but not seeing the kids, still makes me cry when I think about it. That S*** hurts, a lot.

 

And this is why it is best to wait, until you know the relationship is going to go the distance, IMHO.

 

Sure, adults will come and go from kids lives... teachers, coaches, friends, etc... But, introducing someone who has the potential to be a "step-parent," particulalry if the child is missing that parent from their life and looking for that kind of attachment, is a whole new ballgame...