Authenticity on first dates

[FilterCoffee]

How did the date go cookies? More importantly, what did you end up wearing? LoveShack wants to know!

[Cookiesandough]

Haha. I ended up canceling. I was too sleepy

 

Ty for all the advice.

[Gaeta]

Haha. I ended up canceling. I was too sleepy

 

Ty for all the advice.

 

That is not funny at all Cookie. You're a big time waster for all men crossing your path.

[Cookiesandough]

But I wouldn't have been a fun date.I would have been yawning and not entertaining. I almost made a thread about how I might be too tired to date and if anyone else feels this way, but I've made too many threads. I've been so tired lately.

 

I won't plan any more until my energy returns

Edited January 26, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[Gaeta]

But I wouldn't have been a fun date anyway and it would have been a bigger waste of time. I would have been yawning and not entertaining. I almost made a thread about how I might be too tired to date and if anyone else feels this way, but I've made too many threads. I've been so tired lately.

 

It doesn't change a darn thing!! You go on there, bate them, get a bit of attention, and drop them last minute. You waste their time!! You're half my age for goodness sake, you don't know *tired* yet.

[she'stheone]

It doesn't change a darn thing!! You go on there, bate them, get a bit of attention, and drop them last minute. You waste their time!! You're half my age for goodness sake, you don't know *tired* yet.

 

Hi Gaeta,

 

While I agree with you in principle, I sense a lot of anger in your responses.

 

We've all done things, that as we look back on them, we realize we could have handled better.

 

We are all our worst critiques and we judge ourselves too harshly.

 

If that wasn't bad enough, we then get judged by others, which typically hurts our self-esteem further.

 

Many of the people on this sight are reaching out for help.

 

When we "yell" at them and unleash our anger upon them we are not only hurting them but ourselves as well.

 

Anger is typically triggered by our OWN emotional pain. When someone triggers that pain we lash out.

 

I think we could all be more kind, compassionate and helpful and before "yelling" at someone in anger, we recognize the trigger and anger as an opportunity for ourselves to heal.

 

Then and only then can we help the people who need our help the most.

 

Sending you much love and light

[Gaeta]

Hi Gaeta,

 

While I agree with you in principle, I sense a lot of anger in your responses.

 

We've all done things, that as we look back on them, we realize we could have handled better.

 

We are all our worst critiques and we judge ourselves too harshly.

 

If that wasn't bad enough, we then get judged by others, which typically hurts our self-esteem further.

 

Many of the people on this sight are reaching out for help.

 

When we "yell" at them and unleash our anger upon them we are not only hurting them but ourselves as well.

 

Anger is typically triggered by our OWN emotional pain. When someone triggers that pain we lash out.

 

I think we could all be more kind, compassionate and helpful and before "yelling" at someone in anger, we recognize the trigger and anger as an opportunity for ourselves to heal.

 

Then and only then can we help the people who need our help the most.

 

Sending you much love and light

 

You need to be familiar with her history to understand my reaction. Cookie knows it's just tough love and I want the very best for her.

[Steve51]

It is normal to present one's shelf in the best light on a first date. Almost everyone does it. That is why you need to date a few times to find the person's true personality. Sometimes people are focused on getting their date into bed so they will present themselves as bed worth. Other times they will be looking for a second date and third date. Will a girl ever tell a guy on the first date that she does not like oral sex or a guy admit that he has a small penis? Not likely. Same with personality flaws. No one is going to say that they anger easily or cry a lot. Will anyone tell the other about any big moles on their body or that they make very little money to barely afford a burger for you? See what I mean.

 

The first date is mostly a sales pitch for a second date. Everyone is on their best behavior. It is not until subsequent dates that the true person will emerge. If they are cheap you will learn that later. If they are stupid that will come out too. My wife and I used to go out on dates and we would sit at the bar and listen to couples on their first dates. The guys were always trying to impress the girls with their job and car and yet the clothes and jewelry they wear does not back up what they say. Girls will just listen and pretend to believe and agree.

[d0nnivain]

Thanks all. You all make very valid points. I canceled the date. I'm too sleepy.

 

 

 

You are doing it again.

 

 

Do yourself & all these guys you tease a favor -- take a hiatus from dating until summer. Just stop. Disconnect all of your profiles.

 

 

Take the next few months to figure out who YOU are. What are your values? Who do you want to be when you grow up? (that is a Q I ask myself all the time & I'm 50, so don't think I'm calling you immature) What kind of life do you want for yourself? Get some sleep. Develop an exercise routine which will actually combat the fatigue. When you figure all that out, then you can go back to dating with an eye toward finding a man who fits into your vision of you.

[Lorenza]

Answering your initial question - no, I never alter my personality or clothing style and don't think that's normal. I date to find someone who likes me for who I am, without the desperation to be liked and wanted.

[Kamille]

About the fatigue: do you know the cause of it? I was struggling with fatigue for years and only found (and resolved) the underlying cause this year. Turns out I was anemic caused by a medical condition.

 

If you find yourself too fatigued to hold plans frequently, please go see a physician. Now that I have energy back, I wish I had remedied this situation years ago.

[Versacehottie]

About the fatigue: do you know the cause of it? I was struggling with fatigue for years and only found (and resolved) the underlying cause this year. Turns out I was anemic caused by a medical condition.

 

If you find yourself too fatigued to hold plans frequently, please go see a physician. Now that I have energy back, I wish I had remedied this situation years ago.

 

I also get the sense that cookies stays up late a lot posting on this forum and probably doing other stuff on the internet. Obviously nothing wrong with that in small doses but it seems like it's affecting what you do in your waking life. And yes get the anemia thing checked out--pretty common.

[bene]

I think it’s not a good idea to alter your style in the sense that you’d wear something you never actually wear in your day to day life. Keeping up with a “lie” is exhausting.

 

I would wear however my favorite outfit that makes me feel the best me. You know, the one that makes you smile when you pass a mirror and feels really *you*. I would of course dress for the occasion, no high heels to a hiking trail etc.

 

When you first meet someone, it’s really a clean sheet so to say, they don’t know anything about you yet. Even if you alter your style (or worse, personality) for them, you still can’t be sure if they are into this particular look. Might as well just be yourself then.

[Imajerk17]

My previous post was a bit harsh, and I apologize for that. I sincerely hope though, that you do take a break from dating. And not just for your welfare, but also for the sake of the guys you'd be making contact with. When you make plans and not follow through--or ghost-n-block or what-have-you, you are causing the other party aggravation. Even if this is due to extreme anxiety or underlying physical issues, it really is not right of you to continuing to be subjecting other people to this.

Edited January 26, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Cookiesandough]

Thanks, ImaJerk. I appreciate all you guys' feedback, even critical/tough ones. I'm here to learn and make improvements to be a better dater so I am grateful for it.

 

I don't think I'm sick. I think Versace is right that I have been spending my week off too much on these forums and playing Dragon Age Inquisitions and not sleeping enough + feeling mentally exhausted by all that is coming up for me this semester.

 

I won't make plans again unless I can keep them. I almost never cancel dates.

 

Thanks again

[d0nnivain]

I'm actually going to soften my stance. In response to another Q I remembered that when I was single before I met my husband I had made a promise to be less domineering with the men I met. On some level I wasn't myself. I was trying to appear sweeter, more demure, more dependent, more girlie . . . less me. That lasted about a month. It was too disingenuous.

 

 

I'm glad to read that you will be taking care of you & getting some more sleep.

 

 

Once you become more of the woman who gives sage advice to others here on LS & learn to apply that wisdom to the decisions you make in your own life, I think things will turn around for you.