Relationship mental-load anyone?

[Gaeta]

With that being said, does he have a smartphone? If so, you might want to consider setting him with a calendar which you can help manage. I put appointments on my girlfriend's calendar (she is the forgetful one in our relationship). Rather than remind him 12 times a year to pay a bill, you set it up once and the phone reminds him.

 

That's a great idea.

 

Instead of reminding him myself I need to show him and teach him about the tools (like your example) he has at his disposal.

[No_Go]

A bit too much? I'd have felt like a child if I was in his shoes.

 

My ex insisted on doing all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, date selection etc - I'd only hand him a check for 1/2 of the expenses in the end of the month. I was trying to be appreciative but it drove me insane. The whole thinking he may forget a bill or buy stuff we didn't need ... So it was a big part of the pre-break up resentment build up... Just giving you this example to illustrate you why over-helping sometimes is doing more harm than good...

[Arieswoman]

It's a fact of life that those who are very organised tend to attract those that aren't

 

My first husband was either disorganised/forgetful or just plain manipulative and I found I was taking on far more then my fair share of work in the relationship.

 

My second husband is also disorganised but I won't act as his social secretary/skivvy/filing clerk and I told him so before we got married.

If he misses a dentist appointment then that's on him.

He reckoned he couldn't work computers or any technology, so I told him to go in a computer course, which he did.

He loses stuff all the time and wanders about the house huffing and puffing and asking "where did you put it?" and I just tell him that it's where he left it. I resist the temptation to help him find it, but he still doesn't learn to have a filing system

 

It's what we call in UK a "man thing".

[Chilli]

l dunno , but you couldn't stop my ex w from being like that.

Ya just couldn't..

she'd just clean sweep anything and everything.

 

She wasn't really a control freak , pretty easy going actually , she just loved taking care of everything.

[todreaminblue]

edited for being a long winded whining diatribe....leaving i hate can openers as a closing statement..........deb

Edited January 25, 2018 by todreaminblue

[clia]

If I think quick I can't really identify a man that takes over the mental load of the relationship. I know they exist though!

 

Do you in a way *father* your GF/wife?

 

I also can't think of any men I know who take on the mental load (emotional labor) in a relationship. It seems like it's typically women who get stuck with it. It seems like the norm for most of my friends and family. I also do the majority of it at my house, although I've intentionally stepped back from doing some things. I figure if he doesn't care to do it, then why should I?

 

If you haven't already, Google "You Should've Asked," "She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink," and the Meta Filter thread on emotional labor (there is a pdf). All are great reads.

[Gaeta]

A bit too much? I'd have felt like a child if I was in his shoes.

 

My ex insisted on doing all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, date selection etc - I'd only hand him a check for 1/2 of the expenses in the end of the month. I was trying to be appreciative but it drove me insane. The whole thinking he may forget a bill or buy stuff we didn't need ... So it was a big part of the pre-break up resentment build up... Just giving you this example to illustrate you why over-helping sometimes is doing more harm than good...

 

Yes I agree.

 

I did the same with my daughter, now at 30 if her car breaks down she calls me instead of calling a towing because I have always taken care of things for her. She's more than capable of calling her own towing but her first instinct is 'mom'.

[No_Go]

Yes I agree.

 

I did the same with my daughter, now at 30 if her car breaks down she calls me instead of calling a towing because I have always taken care of things for her. She's more than capable of calling her own towing but her first instinct is 'mom'.

 

Understandable, you’re naturally more of the caring type and ‘condition’ your close ones to it. I think the way to balance it out is to let them (bf, daughter etc) take the ‘caring’ role instead sometimes. Everyone is happier with such switching, the carer gets the load off, the others also get enjoyment from feeling needed.