Husband got another woman pregnant?

[sandylee1]

What part do you agree with?

 

Yep, I'm in the exact same way of thinking with that

 

 

I know lots of people have half siblings..loads of blended families...but have you both thought about the arrival of this baby?

 

A half sibling born kind of through this open marriage is a little different. What a mess.

[Lou11]

Wow, you were an 18 year old young woman having a one night stand with a man almost twice your age, while another married woman was having sex in the bed next to you... That is a counselling session right there.

 

No wonder you don't have a good sense of what a healthy relationship really is...

18 year old woman having a one night stand - regardless of whoever it is with, requires counselling? Sounds like a nun or religious point of view, or?

 

An understanding of what a healthy relationship is. Maybe you're right. But then in that regards I'm confessing to not being a bigot.

[Lou11]

What part do you agree with?

 

Yep, I'm in the exact same way of thinking with that

 

 

I know lots of people have half siblings..loads of blended families...but have you both thought about the arrival of this baby?

 

A half sibling born kind of through this open marriage is a little different. What a mess.

"What part of it?"

my answer: all of what I was responding to?

 

And yes, what a mess. I suppose we'll have to explain to our children things like - sometimes mommies or daddies develop feelings and love for other people, and so half siblings are born.

As long as her child never finds out she was an whore then, these days, everything is basically classed as normal.

[BaileyB]

18 year old woman having a one night stand - regardless of whoever it is with, requires counselling? Sounds like a nun or religious point of view, or?

 

Definitely not a nun. I'm just saying, that is not a normal experience with sex at that age... I would respectfully suggest that you have normalized some things that many others would find to be quite... different.

 

But -- to each their own. I really do wish you well in finding a solution that you are happy with for your family.

[BettyDraper]

first, get yourself tested for std's. condoms don't protect completely against things like syphilis. That's a lovely std. You can have it for years and not know it, until it settles into your brain and nervous system, by which point there is nothing much you can do.

 

Second, unless you are fine with him sleeping around behind your back, dump him. High sex drive my @ss. That doesn't give him the right to put your health, and that of your children at risk.

 

Lots of men have a high sex drive. They don't go sleeping with prostitutes without a condom. You gave him a free pass,and he still couldn't keep the bargain. What else is he lying to you about?

 

This. Condoms do not protect against herpes either.

 

OP, your husband was very lucky that you gave him permission to sleep with an escort. Most wives would not have done the same. He took advantage of your open minded and charitable attitude towards marital fidelity.

 

Do you really want to be reminded of your husband's infidelity with the child he had outside of the marriage? If you think that your family and friends would tell you to divorce your husband, can you imagine how foolish you would look if you put up with an outside child?

 

Open relationships are NOT typically one sided. They also involve respect for BOTH spouses boundaries. Please don't confuse cheating with a consensual open relationship. Your hen party experience was very unusual and certainly not an example of a healthy situation.

 

Never love a man more than you love yourself. It leads to situations just like this one. Let your husband run off with his young prostitute.

[Lou11]

Definitely not a nun. I'm just saying, that is not a normal experience with sex at that age... I would respectfully suggest that you have normalized some things that many others would find to be quite... different.

 

But -- to each their own. I really do wish you well in finding a solution that you are happy with for your family.

I'll admit that, that experience destroyed me - in terms of normal and love. Until then I led a pretty much sheltered life growing up.

 

I was hoping to raise my children "normally" like I was. But its proving extremely difficult the older I get. When I visit my parents every Sunday I'm like - oh how you have it so lovely and normal, but its like they are living in some fantasy land that I'd just so sooooo love to be in.

 

I don't need counselling, lol.... really I am SO open minded about everything - you name it, I've seen some things that might pale in comparison to this, things you can not discuss without experiencing certain things. To be fair thinking about it, I wouldn't mind seeing a councillor just to see their response. As a mom I am trying so hard to try reduce what my girls see about the ugly stuff of life. Emotionally deep down I am crying of how true love is nothing like what I wanted it to be.

 

I've not slept with any other man since I met my man, I love him beyond belief, he is amazing, he's my daughters dad. Life isn't fair. You just have to dig in and make do with the best with what you got.

[burnt]

Worst case scenario, hope her offspring never finds out she was a whore.

 

Your story is an incredibly fascinating one for every party involved--but sad and ironic in so many ways.

 

You

Grew up by two loving parents who loved each other for over 50 years. Your mother didn't even consider two children siblings because they were father by two different men.

And yet, because of your exposure to some wild parties at 18, you engaged in open relationships and viewed them as 'normal' and YOU gave permission to your husband to have sex with a prostitute because he couldn't wait two months after you gave birth to HIS child. Don't you wish your parented stopped you from attending parties like these and were much more protective about what sort of people you associated with at that young age?

 

The prostitute

She was an orphan; any idea what that's like? I'd guess no because you grew up with loving parents. You might find it easy to call her a "whore", and a "gold digger" but you genuinely have no idea how vulnerable orphans are and how much strength it takes to fight a cruel world without being protected by loving parents. And like many, without protection and guidance many slip and turn out to be the "damaged" ones in this world.

 

Why did she decide to keep the child? Perhaps, her own sense of loss as an orphan has ignited a desire to protect an unborn child. For all you know her maternal instinct to protect her child will be many times stronger than yours because of what she had to face herself. Or maybe she'll destroy the child's life because she doesn't know the concept of "parents" in her life. Who knows?

 

You might think that the worst case scenario is her child would find out she was a "whore", but also consider the other possibility--that not having the privilege of growing up in a loving home with living parents might make her a parent who would protect the child at any cost and would teach that child to be not only accepting and non-judgmental but also caring for the unfortunates ones in the world.

 

Your husband

sitting in the center of two very interesting women whose ideas of love, marriage and relationships are all very unusual. Both of you want him and he is privileged to sit on the pedestal to choose between a wife who allowed him to see a prostitute and another woman who is pregnant by her prostitution client. Very sad.

 

Now that brings me to the most important point:

 

Your children

If you can recognize to what extent a single party at 18 could have colored and corrupted your views about love and relationships, then why on earth would you want to raise your children in the same house with a man who is fathering a child with a prostitute when he himself was given permission to see the prostitute in the first place?

 

How do you think your children would view "love" and relationships if they grow up with a father like that and mother who allows such frivolous behaviors? Is that what you want for your children?

 

Instead of worrying about how this other woman's child would grow up, focus on how you can provide the most healthy environment for your own children.

 

I find it so strange and ironic that you have loving parents but they know nothing about this mess you are in and here you are asking for help from strangers, and but that prostitute has no one, no loving parents and she is probably facing all of this all by herself.

 

Talk to your parents. You are lucky to have what you have.

It will be hard, but you need to let them in to help you.

 

I know I am sounding very harsh. But what I am trying to say is it is really important that instead of wanting your husband to stay with you, it is far more important that you focus on what's best for your children. I cannot imagine staying with a husband like that would set up ideal examples for them.

 

Do you want your daughter to have a future marriage like yours?

Do you want your son to be a husband like your husband?

 

Kick him out. Show your children that this sort of a behavior is not ok and hope that when your children grow up with healthier views to love and marriage.

[burnt]

I don't need counselling, lol.... really I am SO open minded about everything - you name it, I've seen some things that might pale in comparison to this, things you can not discuss without experiencing certain things. To be fair thinking about it, I wouldn't mind seeing a councillor just to see their response.

 

That's precisely the reason you need to see a counselor. Your view of how "open minded" you are is rather troubling.

 

Seeing a counselor is not a circus treat. It's not about entertaining yourself with how they think, but it's about getting help from another person to gain a better perspective about yourself to grow yourself.

 

You seem to be having too much confidence in yourself. We all have issues, and so do you.

 

If you think you have an open mind, then try to foster an open mind about the possibility that a counselor will help you if you are open to accepting help and admitting that you need help.

[Lou11]

That's precisely the reason you need to see a counselor. Your view of how "open minded" you are is rather troubling.

 

Seeing a counselor is not a circus treat. It's not about entertaining yourself with how they think, but it's about getting help from another person to gain a better perspective about yourself to grow yourself.

 

You seem to be having too much confidence in yourself. We all have issues, and so do you.

 

If you think you have an open mind, then try to foster an open mind about the possibility that a counselor will help you if you are open to accepting help and admitting that you need help.

I know what you're saying, and its all good - thanks.

 

When I was 15ish I had a school psychiatrist, mainly because of how anti-social I was. Result - she found nothing at all wrong with me, I was just naturally a quiet person. From recent years I've discovered that I'm not alone - its called introvert, basically shyness.

 

I had a massive mad lifestyle when I was 17-21. I pretended to be someone I wasn't.

And now I'm mid 30's I'm being told to see a psychiatrist... fine. Will make zero difference.

Edited January 21, 2018 by Lou11

[BettyDraper]

I know what you're saying, and its all good - thanks.

 

When I was 15ish I had a school psychiatrist, mainly because of how anti-social I was. Result - she found nothing at all wrong with me, I was just naturally a quiet person. From recent years I've discovered that I'm not alone - its called introvert, basically shyness.

 

I had a massive mad lifestyle when I was 17-21. I pretended to be someone I wasn't.

And now I'm mid 30's I'm being told to see a psychiatrist... fine. Will make zero difference.

 

A counselor is not a psychiatrist. A counselor cannot prescribe psychotropic medication or diagnose you with any mental disorders the way a psychiatrist can.

 

Introversion is the need for solitude because being around others is draining. It's also the tendency to enjoy quieter activities. Not every introvert is shy.

 

Therapy can help you understand why you make certain decisions and how to take paths which are not self destructive. Enabling a cheater and calling it an "open marriage" is unhealthy and misguided. Obviously, you are aware that something is wrong with your situation or else you would not have posted about it here.

[sandylee1]

You seem to normalise it all ...you have no intention of leaving...so what do you really want?

 

You have the perfect explanation for your kids. Your family income will go down ...for the next 18 plus years...but it's all normal.

 

You have your husband permission to see a prostitute....so you can't be that against them.

Even with the use if condoms...accidents happen ... you allowed it.

 

So with your one sided open marriage... you have an explanation for the kids... dont be suprised if lady escort wants to add to the family in a few years time.

 

Just protect yourself financially.

Personally I'd divorce and get child support...spousal support and my share of the assets.

 

It's not just about her kid finding out she's a whore... howabout your kids finding out daddy slept with this whore ... for years and got her pregnant.

 

Like it or not...your kids are linked to the her too.

 

It's a right fu**ed up mess.

[darkmoon]

The escort will not be able to work once the pregnancy shows and for some months after, imo, she is in for a shock once the baby comes along and grows up which is increasingly expensive to pay for

 

She must make her plans, and take a DNA test.

 

She might be an orphan or that might be a pity-ploy, she might be telling other customers the same BS, offering them all discounts, hookers are actresses and money-grabbing business people

[BaileyB]

I'll admit that, that experience destroyed me - in terms of normal and love. Until then I led a pretty much sheltered life growing up.

 

I was hoping to raise my children "normally" like I was. But its proving extremely difficult the older I get. When I visit my parents every Sunday I'm like - oh how you have it so lovely and normal, but its like they are living in some fantasy land that I'd just so sooooo love to be in.

 

I don't need counselling, lol.... really I am SO open minded about everything - you name it, I've seen some things that might pale in comparison to this, things you can not discuss without experiencing certain things.

 

Emotionally deep down I am crying of how true love is nothing like what I wanted it to be.

 

Life isn't fair. You just have to dig in and make do with the best with what you got.

 

This just makes me so sad... In my very humble opinion, you are too open minded about everything... to the point, that you haven't set very healthy boundaries for yourself or your marriage. And, this has caused you tremendous pain... it's very sad.

 

True love is beautiful. I know that because I have seen it, between my parents. I've also felt it, in my relationship. It's not a fantasy land that you can never hope to attain. Why do you think that you can not have what your parents have? Why do you think that you could not raise your children in the same kind of home that you were raised?

 

It is not expecting too much to want a husband to be faithful so that you can raise your children in a happy, healthy nuclear family (it just doesn't sound like your husband is this man...). And no, you definitely don't have to dig in and do the best with what you got. You always have a choice. You don't have to stay with an unfaithful husband who got his "girlfriend" pregnant and accept that child into your home. I definitely would not, but that's just me.

 

I don't say this to be judgmental or preachy... In your posts, you sound very resigned that you must stay in this relationship and I just want you to know... You absolutely do not. You can always make a different decision.

Edited January 21, 2018 by BaileyB

[DKT3]

Listen, no one here has the right to tell you what kind of relationship you and your husband should have. You suggested he find sex elsewhere and he did, for four years this arrangement worked for you, until he got her pregnant. Irresponsible of him to do so, but it is an unfortunate but predictable outcome of the marriage you have.

[Bittersweetie]

So what is your H's plan after she has the baby and can't have sex for a couple of months? Since his needs are so high, is he going to find a different escort to be with? And how would you feel about him adding yet another person to your marriage?

[wmacbride]

op,

I think the idea that you have of this kind of thing somehow being "normal" is kind of far fetched.

 

For proof of that, just look at all those talk shows ( Jerry Springer, the similar one from the UK, etc.) where they tell of stories along the lines of those. Those tend to be successful, and the reason is shock value. There is a certain salaciousness to them, because they are unusual. This is why they attract an audience and make money. No one wants to watch a show about what is typical and ordinary.

 

If this type of lifestyle floats your boat, fair enough. The problem is it's not just you, it's also your daughters and this new baby who will have to bear the brunt of the fallout.

 

In your situation, I would seek support from your parents or maybe a friend who you can really trust. Get their feedback and perspective.

[Yosemite]

Have you thought about if you’re going to allow the child to have visitations at your house, if you don't, your husband will probably spend time with her and their child as a family. You need to think about how that’s going to feel. (An open marriage is one thing, sister wives is another.)

 

On the other hand, bringing the child into your home around your children is going to be quite traumatizing for your children to deal with.

 

What are your plans if they decide to have more children together?

 

Do you two have enough money to support a second family? It won’t be too much longer until she’s no longer able to work…

 

You said that you can tell that he really loves her, that she’s gorgeous and she’s 24…you need to prepare for any action he could take which includes him leaving you to be with her (I don’t mean to be harsh) so if you don’t work, it would be a good idea to prepare yourself for returning to the workplace by going to school etc.. If you do work, start stashing away some of your paycheck.

 

I wouldn’t believe a single word that came out of her mouth during that meeting. She’s going after your husband, she’ll say anything to help drive you two apart. If she can lie to her boyfriend about returning to prostitution, she can lie to you.

 

If she returns to work as a prostitute, you need to think about if you are going to continue having sex with your husband knowing that he won’t be using a condom when he’s with her and it’s unlikely that he’s the only client that doesn’t.

Edited January 21, 2018 by Yosemite

[Yogagirl565]

His actions (and your response) are teaching your children what behaviors are acceptable. Do you want your daughters to be with a man like your husband? What advice would you give them? Family therapy is a start. Sorry you’re in this situation.

[Purepony]

No comment !!

I can’t find a girl who’s cool with me owning several sports car how the hell does this guy get a girl who lets him have two families ?!?!

[Mr. Lucky]

Hi, where to start this.

 

We've been married for 12 years and together for 16 years, I'm 37 (next month) and he is 43. We have two daughters 11 and 4. We're a very happy family I think and he constantly reassures me he loves me more than anything.

 

He's always had a very high sex drive and when I had my last pregnancy we had no sex for about 2 months I could see it was getting to him he was agitated/frustrated. I agreed it'll be ok if he wants to see an escort as long as he always uses condoms, so he did. When we started having sex again he stopped seeing her for a while before he started seeing her again.

 

He stopped seeing her when she found a boyfriend for half a year or so. Then she started escorting again while her boyfriend didn't know which caused some issues when he found out. My husband continued seeing her for over 4 years now.

 

I'm curious Lou11 - was it the plan he'd only go outside the marriage during your two-month downtime and did he continue to see her without your knowledge or did you approve of his years' long relationship with her?

 

Mr. Lucky

[BourneWicked]

One thing I throw around a lot that people tend to forget is that humans are animals. Who procreated the most - those with strong morals and one partner (maybe who had fertility issues), or those with strong biological desires, looser morals, and had as many partners as they could get their hands on?

 

Maybe it's 50/50, but in large part, the cheaters helped populate this earth. So it would be nice to condemn them all, but they are people's fathers, mothers, sons, cousins, etc. It's biology, it's part of how the species continued. So it's completely up to you what you okay as far as that; society's pretty rigid on it, but you don't have to be.

 

However, I do think Burnt's comments are good ones. I too am very open-minded. Extremely open-minded. I have realized that there is a difference in being open minded (what I'll let other people get away with in their own lives and shrug at) and having boundaries (what I let people do to me).

 

So I think if you really analyze how this makes you feel. What parts of it make you unhappy, make you feel like less? How can you use that knowledge to make boundaries to keep yourself and your family safe? Also... if you have daughters... would you want this relationship for them? Because they are learning from you and your reactions how relationships with men should be, and what is acceptable.

 

Best of luck. Curious to see how things turn out for you. Kudos to you for having such a kind and understanding heart, and hope everything works out for the best, whatever your decisions are.

[grassisorisntgreener]

I would let him go and find someone who only wants to sleep with you. Find that true love your parents have. You don't need to settle for someone who was unwilling to stop having sex for 2 months. That is really ridiculous.

[GorillaTheater]

Who procreated the most - those with strong morals and one partner (maybe who had fertility issues), or those with strong biological desires, looser morals, and had as many partners as they could get their hands on?

 

 

I bet I could give the latter a serious run for their money in the procreation department.

[unit1]

One thing I throw around a lot that people tend to forget is that humans are animals.

but in large part, the cheaters helped populate this earth. So it would be nice to condemn them all, but they are people's fathers, mothers, sons, cousins, etc. It's biology, it's part of how the species continued. So it's completely up to you what you okay as far as that; society's pretty rigid on it, but you don't have to be.

 

.

Sad .....and sad......

so in future, this planet will be mostly cheaters and cheaters' species?

[BourneWicked]

Sad .....and sad......

so in future, this planet will be mostly cheaters and cheaters' species?

 

Nah maybe it's not as bleak as all that. The less the behavior is tolerated, the less it will happen. And very many people truly are monogamous for all or most of their lives.

 

There's a really good TED talk on people and monogamy. Really it's like any other biological urge - we have the urge to urinate, but most of us don't pee in the street. We have the urge to protect our territory, but most of us don't shoot our pushy, boundary-toeing neighbors.