Wife thinks she may love another man

[Tetris6565]

The two of you haven’t been together long enough to be bored with each other.

 

She wouldn’t leave the marriage to be with him so what will she do to you if she stays?

 

Was your wife rejected by him and now all her feelings for him have come flooding back?

 

You need to know exactly what happened between the two of them.

 

Is he dominate over her for their past relationship, this can happen when there in a strong physical attraction form their past relationship.

 

Is she scared that if he pursues her she will cheat? That it’s beyond her self control.

 

I pressed her for more information regarding the relationship and she was reluctant. I can see why now. I guess she and this guy have been like wildly attracted to each other since they were freshman in high school.

 

She mentioned they never technically dated but they have hooked up. Last time was right before we started dating (she says). They basically had always kept in contact —even while we were dating.

 

The moment we got engaged she “came to her senses“ and made a choice to be with me. I was who she saw her future with. Anyway apparently after she stopped responding her began to pursue her (romantically) and she either ignored him or made up excuses. Why didn’t she tell him she was married?

He stil has no Idea apparently. Maybe he’s interested in her now that she’s blown him off for so long.

 

I know the women I had intense sexual relations before marriage only stayed in that box. I never would have come back to pursue them romantically.

 

She was really upset. I don’t think she thought he would fade away over time. Obviously he hasn’t. I’m so angry and upset but I also feel like asking her to stay will just cause her to resent me. This is so messed up

[BarbedFenceRider]

Be prepared for the mental gymnastics to be used to justify this behavior. Seriously. You stated that she didn't think things would end with him, even while you two were married? What exactly does that mean?

And to RSC..What exactly would MC do to help? Maybe IC for both, but she obviously has doubts about her situation now, and he has doubts of her integrity. Mind you she only recently spilled more info when fully pressed about the OM.

I fear there is some trickle truth concerning your position in this relationship with her. She isn't coming clean yet...

Also, with the "they didn't date seriously, just hooked up" bit...RED FLAG

She just bombed you with "I might love someone else". And it was only over past sexual escapades, ie...hooking up.

This is not a safe partner to say the least. Keep trying to get to the whole truth if you must, but be prepared for another salvo of pain bombs headed your way.

[whichwayisup]

She won't admit right now if they have had sex during your marriage. Ask her to take a lie detector test...If she has nothing to hide then she'll do it. If she gets upset or angry then you know something is up.

 

Why didn't she tell him she was married? That is telling, isn't it? Manipulative and done on purpose.

 

You could always talk to this OM and hear his side of things. Just a thought to consider.

 

No point in trying to salvage this marriage until she gets help, fixes what's broken and wants to just be with you. Though sadly it seems she settled for you. She may love you and care for you deeply but the connection she feels for this OM is stronger, and one year into your marriage she's (at best) been emotionally unfaithful to you while investing in him.

[standtall]

Wow...your the friendzone guy who got out of the friendzone. I wouldn't believe a word she says about not hooking up with this dude since you've been married. One year in eh? Sorry to say your marriage is DOA..cut your loses.

[aliveagain]

You can't make someone love you and why would you want to stay with someone who doesn't love you knowing she's in love with another man? One sided relationships rarely succeed. No matter what, you will always wonder why she stayed if she chooses the marriage. Can you handle being her second choice? I don't see this ending well for you, she's just confessed that her love for you isn't that strong. How are you going to survive a lifetime with her if your already having these kinds of problems and your barely past the honeymoon?

 

It is better you know now rather then years from now when real estate and children complicate matters. This is the cheapest it will ever be for you to get out of this. Yes this hurts but its nothing like the hurt you will feel when she's still married to you and openly dating other men. She's already put you on notice and no amount of counselling is going to make her love you, she does or she doesn't. You deserve to be with someone that loves you. If she asks for a trial separation it will be because she wants to give the other guy a test drive(without the guilt of cheating) while keeping you as her back up. I hate to say this but I don't think there is anything to save here friend.

Edited January 19, 2018 by aliveagain

[BettyDraper]

There's no coming back from a confession like that.

 

Your marriage has barely started. It's the best time to leave.

 

You deserve to be the first choice for a woman.

[usa1ah]

There’s a reason why she hasn’t told him she’s married. Have you asked her why she hasn’t told him she’s married to you?

[Marc878]

She settled with you. Don't make the same mistake and settle for her.

[dichotomy]

You have been married a year ? No kids? How old are you?

 

 

Besides your feelings of love (which you can find elsewhere) why stay with her ? Seriously list the reasons why it benefits you to stay married to her vs divorce.

 

Just so you know - I had very special reasons I stayed married after finding out my new wife was maintaining an emotional affair to a man (actually men) 750 miles a way.

 

Really think hard why you should stay.

Edited January 20, 2018 by dichotomy

[kgcolonel]

OP, I am seeing two issues here:

 

1. your wife is unsure as to where her heart is...with you, her husband or with the past (now fantasy) with whom she has never lived with and experience or worked through life's issues. She's comparing a pristine world with reality.

 

2. you should not want to be with anyone who is unsure as to whether or not they want to be with you....this is doomed to fail as it is too one sided. Trust me, I've been on both sides.

 

Don't ask her to stay, just ask her to decide and commit to whatever that decision is....if she chooses to stay, she's got a lot of damage control to convince you that you're her Plan A....until that happens, your relationship is going to be tarnished.

[lazlo]

Why would you marry someone if you think you might love someone else?

 

In the ideal world, one should always been able to marry the one person that deeply love. Unfortunately, we don't live in the ideal world. There are several reason for people to marry not their first choice, but the second or the third. Because the first choice may not be available, because one doesn't want to wait forever for something might never come, and instead may want to build a family and a future, and many other reasons. It's something that has always happened and always will, maybe more that could be imagined. I'm in a situation similar to your wife.

What it seems odd here, is that she says that she might not be able to be faithful to you. Feelings are not a choice, but fidelity is. If she has decided to marry you and she wants to stay with you, she must not betray you, no matter the men she might meet along the way. This is the promise she made to you in the wedding and now you must ask her to renew this promise. If she is not sure that she can keep that promise, then you should separate.

[Imajerk17]

I dunno, let's assume the best case, rather unrealistic scenario here:

 

--She never cheats on you. With this particular guy or with someone else maybe years down the road (yeah right)

--She goes to her therapist who successfully helps her convince herself that you're the best choice for her

 

Even with this best-case scenario played out, how would you ever possibly be secure in your own marriage. I mean, when you and she are intimate, wouldn't you be wondering who she truly is thinking of. And wouldn't it always bother you that she needed to enlist the help of a therapist to "fall in love" with you.

 

You deserve a helluva a lot more than to be married to someone who isn't really in love with you. Ironically the one thing that really may make her respect and appreciate you more as a man is you realizing this and showing some self-respect and walking away from this, you are not going to live your life in some sham of a marriage where you are Safe Choice.

 

ETA: And by the way, even if nothing happened between her and the other man, by letting her know you're her (at best) second choice, she ALREADY violated her marriage vows to you. Never mind her not telling this guy that she is married to you, which was quite disrespectful on her part towards you in and of itself.

Edited January 21, 2018 by Imajerk17

[oldlion]

Young Sir:

I read something once that directly applies to you.

 

"The hardest thing you'll ever do is to watch someone you love, love someone else."

 

Take some advice from someone that is much older and with a lot more life experience than you. When it comes to love and marriage, never, never be anyone's second choice. If you do, then ever experience you have with her, from sex to having a family, to experiencing life, you will always wonder; Is she thinking of him, does she wish it was him with her instead of me. You will never have the joy of a fully happy marriage. There are thousands of women that would gladly love you and build a life with you without yearning for someone else. You are a young man. Do not shackle your future with doubts. You cannot make someone love you when their heart is somewhere else. Don't be someone who was settled for. You deserve to be with someone who made you her first and only choice. That is not the person you are married too. There is a big world out there with over three billion women. You do not have to be second choice to anyone. I do wish you well.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, if I remember correctly there was a similar case on here a while ago where a woman posted that she had been married quite happily for around 25 years and then by chance her ex from her HS days happened to move in the vicinity of where she lived. She said that this guy was her first love and she would 'Always hold a candle for him'. Well as it turned out, she did end up sleeping with him without batting an eyelid for her poor husband's feelings who of course was none the 2iser about what was going on as he had complete faith in her. Neither was she ready to jeopardise her marriage as she was convinced that she could get all the TLC she needed from her Beau without sacrificing the comfort of her marital home. Of course she was lambasted by everyone on this forum till she reluctantly called off the affair with her Beau.

 

The point is that OP's wife has already given him fair warning that she cannot say that she can remain faithful to him. If he chooses to turn a blind eye and she does end up sleeping with this ex boyfriend of hers, who is he going to blame? Not her because she flagged her intentions well in advance and neither the good folk on here who waved all the possible red flags in his face in ample measure. He will only be able to blame himself and suffer from all the hurt and humiliation all alone with no where to turn to. A very sad state of affairs indeed. Wish him the best with whatever choice he makes.

[Cephalopod]

Listen to oldlion.

 

 

You are your wife's fallback plan. She couldn't get things to work with the guy she wanted, so she settled for you. Are you okay with being settled for?

[Jamess1]

You knnw what u have to do, can u do it?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I guess the OP does NOT like the colour of the advice he is being given. This seems to be the reason he has not returned to respond to anyone's posts. He probably wants someone to tell him not to worry and things will all go on smoothly. Well they might for a while till they don't. However, if he does'nt like the advice he has been given there is nothing much anyone one can do. He will have to rely entirely on himself if something goes wrong. I guess the folks on here have done their best to convince him he is floating in a leaky boat. Now it is all up to him. Warm wishes.

[Popsicle]

This totally blindsided me. I had no idea this guy even existed. She says she’s never cheated and I believe her. Apparently she and this guy have had 10 years of history and never “dated” (whatever that means). She said she’s been battling this issue internally even prior to our marriage but that she thought it would go away with time. Why would you marry someone if you think you might love someone else? Anyway she apparently “ran into him” ( we moved to another city and by coincidence he’s here now too) and she’s afraid she won’t be able to stay faithful. She’s willing to go to couples therapy and seek a therapist for her own issues. Anyone have expirnce with his? I love her but I don’t know if I can get over the fact she may always want another man.

 

I just love it when cheaters practically TELL their spouse that they are cheating. Like, what was that for? I guess it's an attempt to throw them off the scent. Like, "she claims she's innocent of cheating and it must be true if she told me about him". Definitely some mind manipulation going on there.

[Popsicle]

I’ve been there. As the other man.

 

Actually, I have two exes who think I’m “the love of their life” and claim they will always love me. So far, that seems to be the case.

 

This is what I think I know to be true about situations like this:

 

1. As unfair and hard to understand it may be, there is nothing you can do to stop your wife from loving another man. It’s not your fault. And you can’t change it.

 

2. There’s really nothing the other man can do to stop your wife from loving him either. I’ve purposely avoided both of these women for years. Not spoken to them for years. Still, when we cross paths again she’s still holding a candle for me. Simply being in each other’s presence rekindles the flame.

 

3. Chances are this guy doesn’t want your wife. I mean ... he knows how she feels. If he wanted her, then he would have been with her. There’s a reason you don’t choose a woman who always loves you and is always available.

 

4. However, that doesn’t mean he won’t sleep with her. Your wife has essentially told you it will happen if the opportunity arises. Believe her. I’m on this site due to an affair with one of those women.

 

I can’t suggest you divorce your wife based on what may happen. There’s a chance she could come to her senses and avoid this guy. And I don’t think there’s a guarantee you won’t run into this again if you leave her to find somebody else. I think most women have that one guy in their past. For some, the bond may be stronger than others. But, you can almost be certain every woman you meet might have a man in her past she had a more intense relationship with, was a better lover than you, a better communicator, was with her at a crucial point in her life, or whatever. Maybe he could have just been her first love. You know they say we never get over our first love.

 

It’s a reality we all face. Personally, I’ve learned not to worry about her past. Just have to enjoy and appreciate what we have today. Realize what’s important in your relationship. For most, honesty, trust, and fidelity are among those things.

 

What you have to do is figure out what you will do if those things you value in a relationship are broken. The proceed as appropriate.

 

But, I wouldn’t stress her feeling one way or another. As I said, that is true to some extent for most. Most just don’t reveal it. And, if you’re fortunate, don’t act on it.

 

This is true for some women but not all women. I'm certainly not in love with anyone. I wish a was! Where the hell is he? I'm quite bored and lonely. lol I'd sure be trying to hook up with him right now.

 

So no, if I ever got married or in a RL, there is no guy that would be lingering around who I'm pining for. I have seen other women do what you described, yes, my best friend did it, but no, not all women do this. Not by far. Believe it or not, some women are actually WITH the guy they are in love with!

 

Same is true for men too, btw.

[wmacbride]

These are just my thoughts...

 

If your wife will always carry a flame for this guy, it won't matter how long you stay together. She likely never have room in her heart to allow you to be more than "the plan B, safe guy".

 

Lots o men and women have fond memories of per-marraige relationships, but that's all they are, memories. If they had the chance to rekindle, they would say no. It's kind of like having fond memories of high school or college days...pleasant maybe,but not something one wants to relive. we know our current life is so much better.

 

Your wife is different. She has come out and said she would go to him if she could. She would relish reliving her past days with him. I just don't see how you can ever compete with that, even if you spend a huge amount of effort and the rest of your life trying.

 

The genie is out of the bottle, and I can't see how you can ever stuff him back in. If you love her, the kindest thing you can do is set her free.

[GoldenR]

but I also feel like asking her to stay will just cause her to resent me. This is so messed up

 

No no no no no no no

 

You aren't the one that should be asking the other to stay. SHE has betrayed YOU. She needs to convince you to not divorce her.

 

Do not play the pick me game. Do not empathize with her if she's feeling sad about things. Do not hug her, touch her, have sex with her.

 

If she doesn't beg you not to leave her, then you have no reason to stay.

 

My advice: expose, expose, expose, expose.

 

Let the OM know you exist. Tell her family. Tell your family. Tell her friends. Tell the bridesmaids that stood in your wedding. She'll say things like, "Well since you told everyone, there's no way I can stay with you now". They all say that. ALL OF THEM. And if you're 100% sure it hasn't gone physical, then the sooner you do this, the better, as you may stop it from happening.

 

Once she comes to her senses, she'll be crying to you about her mistake.

Edited January 31, 2018 by GoldenR

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, it seems that the OP has bid goodbye and disappeared into cyberspace. I think indecision is a killer for people and the OP, by procrastinating, is only going to make matters worse for himself. I hope he wakes up in time to take cognizance of his untenable position. Best wishes.

[spanz1]

counseling would have been GREAT before you got married. But i guess it is still worth a try. Sounds like she needs individual counseling to try to get her head straight, AND to try to forget this man.

 

The marriage CAN go on. Fppr instance, there are plenty of bisexual women who choose to marry a man, and NEVER have sex with another woman, even though they crave it and fantasize about it. So there is hope

[Just a Guy]

Hi spanz, although you may be entirely right I think being in a union of the kind you mentioned would, for the spouse of such a partner, be like living with the Sword of Damocles over their head. I, for one would never be comfortable in such a union. Of course such a decision is up to the OP. Warm wishes.