Dealing with a potentially clingy guy

[TheFinalWord]

I feel obligated to go, for some weird reason I feel bad bailing a day before. His hopes are up and I know that’s not my problem. He texts every day, he tags me in Facebook posts literally every day, he’s highly interested after only a week.

I feel maybe I should go (to not upset him) and casually hint at how I want to take things slow with guys and not jump into things. No one loses out that way, hopefully.

 

If you liked him, you would be excited about his talk of your future together. You don't really like him, so it's turning you off.

 

If you are going on dates with him, that is telling him you are interested. All you are going to do by going out with him is get him even more mesmerized with you. Not the other way around.

 

It's commendable that you have a kind heart, but in this case, by going out with him, you are actually going to hurt him more in the long run. He is going to lose out, and by going out with him, its going to be more painful for him than if you cut it off before it begins.

[Iseult]

I feel maybe I should go (to not upset him) and casually hint at how I want to take things slow with guys and not jump into things. No one loses out that way, hopefully.

OK you got me, I loled. That was good

[I'veseenbetterlol]

RUN, don't walk from the situation. I can tell you his behavior will get much worse as you progress and no he will not just want to be friends. I came across clingy guys and eventually I had to ignore/block them completely. There was one attached guy I dated for a short while, he was clingy at 1st and I liked the attention. Eventually he got so bad, I had to cut him off. Stop this situation before it starts.

[SevenCity]

If you liked him, you would be excited about his talk of your future together. You don't really like him, so it's turning you off.

 

If you are going on dates with him, that is telling him you are interested. All you are going to do by going out with him is get him even more mesmerized with you. Not the other way around.

 

It's commendable that you have a kind heart, but in this case, by going out with him, you are actually going to hurt him more in the long run. He is going to lose out, and by going out with him, its going to be more painful for him than if you cut it off before it begins.

 

Yes. This is selfish at best and dangerous at worst.

 

NYCGirl, didn't you have your heart broken? Why do you want to set someone up for pain?

 

Going out with him will get gis hopes up and waste his time. Not very nice.

[normal person]

I see things on face value. He said he sees a future with me, kids and all. Which I take as a compliment but it leads me to believe he’s becoming attached already.

 

How is that a compliment and not totally inappropriate stalker level insanity? He hasn't met you yet. He HASN'T MET YOU YET. I can't believe I'm reading this.

 

I feel obligated to go, for some weird reason I feel bad bailing a day before. His hopes are up and I know that’s not my problem.

 

You may feel like you're obligated, but you aren't. Him being this attached to a stranger is his problem, not yours. His forwardness and irrationality shouldn't trump your safety or wellbeing.

 

He texts every day, he tags me in Facebook posts literally every day, he’s highly interested after only a week.

 

This is insane. What else would he have to do to get you to think he's not normal? He is waving the world's biggest red flag at you, professing hopes for marriage and children to a stranger, screaming into a megaphone, saying the most outlandish things he can say, daring you to meet him.

 

What about this is appealing to you? Honestly.

 

 

I feel maybe I should go (to not upset him)

 

Why do you feel like you have to go in order to not upset him? It's not your fault he's like that.

 

and casually hint at how I want to take things slow with guys and not jump into things.

 

Yeah, this guy who tells strangers he wants to marry and impregnate them totally sounds like the kind of guy who understands subtle, casual hints about taking things slow.

 

If you want to take things slow with someone, why are you going out with a guy who's already got his foot stomped on the gas? I don't understand.

 

 

No one loses out that way, hopefully.

 

You know he's crazy. You won't go out with him again. You'll both lose your time, he'll lose money, you'll lose your sense of safety when he mistakes your one date as the engagement party and texts/calls/shows up at your job to see why you aren't answering him, and when he realizes you aren't interested, there's a chance you could lose a body part or worse. You both have plenty to lose and nothing to gain.

 

Why are you doing this? Please don't go.

[FastHands]

IMHO I guess you can play games, but really on a dating app? It's like going to the grocery store and getting nothing. I guess if one wants the friend route then make friends anywhere, it just sounds odd on a dating app.

[girlinNYC]

He is not your friend. You are not being nice by leading him on and neither is turning him into an orbiter. So, what’s the best scenario here, from your perspective? What do you even hope to accomplish?

 

I guess given the fun chats we’ve had maybe there’s be some chemistry and I could say I was wrong. We had a drink and the night went well, figured I owed it to myself to at least try. I made it clear that I’m not a love at first sight kind of girl, that it takes me a while to generate feelings and he accepted that.

[girlinNYC]

Yes. This is selfish at best and dangerous at worst.

 

NYCGirl, didn't you have your heart broken? Why do you want to set someone up for pain?

 

Going out with him will get gis hopes up and waste his time. Not very nice.

 

I have been hurt and that’s why I felt guilty over this situation. I have seen him follow a few girls on social media so it leads me to believe he may not be as invested as he says he is.

[d0nnivain]

I’m not interest in relationship talk after one week, I’m into taking things slow. I’m open to a relationship with anyone after a certain amount of time having built a foundation first. I just get the vibe he subtly is forcing me to talk to him by saying maybe I can say hi, I find it odd.

 

He was being friendly & trying to make things easy on you. Assuming you were in the neighborhood a drop by first meet in NYC is very casual no pressure. You show up. You say hi. You spend 20 minutes. If it's not good you bail.

 

.He’s also hinted to a future with me, entailing marriage and kids.

 

So how do I convey that I want to take things slow with him (and dating guys in general)? I’m not ready for a relationship at the moment, I also don’t want to hurt his feelings because I think there’s definite potential for a good friendship there, even if a relationship doesn’t work right now. How do I convey all that without offending or losing a friend? Do you think he’s becoming attached?

 

What do you mean he hinted at a future? If he point blank said he sees himself marrying you before you even met, that is a problem. If he was trying to convey that he's looking for romance / a serious relationship not friends, not FWB that is a different story. If he wants a relationship but you want platonic friends, you are not his girl & he may not want to waste his time on you.

 

You go on dates to determine if you want a romantic relationship. You hang out with friends -- no flirting, limited touching involved.

 

I see things on face value. He said he sees a future with me, kids and all. Which I take as a compliment but it leads me to believe he’s becoming attached already.

 

He said that -- before meeting you? Those words are indicative of a problem.

 

If he's just talking about his future in general and explaining that he wants marriage & kids eventually that is a OK.

 

 

If he said that he will probably not be happy being friends. You really need to be careful about going on dates with this guy. This kind of talk isn't normal. People who talk like this are lovebombing at best/ dangerous unstable at worst.

 

I disagree. The OP mentioned being the guy's friend. He is setting a standard. He doesn't want a friend. He wants a GF. That is why he is on a dating site. He's allowed to weed out time wasters who are not truly interested in dating him.

 

I feel obligated to go, for some weird reason I feel bad bailing a day before. His hopes are up and I know that’s not my problem. He texts every day, he tags me in Facebook posts literally every day, he’s highly interested after only a week.

I feel maybe I should go (to not upset him) and casually hint at how I want to take things slow with guys and not jump into things. No one loses out that way, hopefully.

 

Why on earth do people "friend" strangers social media. You end up thinking that sneak peaks into somebody else's life you get through that warped window is a substitute for actually knowing the person.

 

Going on the date & saying you want things to progress slowly & organically is fine. Tell him to stop talking about the future, kids & marriage because it's all way too soon for that but do not say "let's be friends."

 

I have been hurt and that’s why I felt guilty over this situation. I have seen him follow a few girls on social media so it leads me to believe he may not be as invested as he says he is.

 

If you want slow it's unreasonable to expect him to cease all interaction with other women. Focusing everything on you is the opposite of slow. So make up your mind.

[kendahke]

I guess given the fun chats we’ve had maybe there’s be some chemistry and I could say I was wrong. We had a drink and the night went well, figured I owed it to myself to at least try. I made it clear that I’m not a love at first sight kind of girl, that it takes me a while to generate feelings and he accepted that.

 

You know you basically gave him the challenge of "storming your keep", which is something you never do with someone who has proceeded the way he has.

 

Last week, he creeped you out. This week, it's fun chats and chemistry.

 

Mixed signals

Edited January 24, 2018 by kendahke

[Cookiesandough]

d0nnivain,

 

I think "I see a future with you, kids and all " is a very alarming statement from a virtual stranger. OP said this man told her that before they had even met and had only talked for a week. This is a huge red flag and different from "I see myself wanting marriage and kids in the near future".

 

I don't think he would want to be friends with her after saying something like this. He's either lovebombing (which with new evidence seems to be the case) or he is cray cray, both of which need to be avoided at all costs.