Ex boyfriend acts like I should feel bad he has to "go through memories"?

[Gr8fuln2020]

I guess it would be the motivation of the dumper.

Anything that leads into reconciliation is not a breadcrumb, anything that gets thrown at The dumpee otherwise is a breadcrumb.

 

For a hurting dumpee it is best to thread in the side of caution.

 

I hear you! Ugh. Sometimes what is genuine will be perceived as otherwise. Your last sentence is spot on.

[Cam1]

His mother who's sending you a friend request could mean alot, or nothing?

 

That was just weird for even me. I've gotten use to the fact his father and sister-in-law feel the need to like my posts on facebook (they're good, sweet people, and I know they're not doing it to be cruel, and they were NEVER bad to me), but his mom sending me a friend request the other night was just really strange.

 

To add context: She's had facebook for 5-6 years, and uses it. So it's not like she just got fb and I was suggested. Additionally I thought maybe they were triggered by finding an old ornament I'd made them while decorating the tree or last year's family christmas photo, etc--but then when he texted me on Christmas...he told me his parents aren't even home for Christmas. So that's not it.

[CantTakeMySmile]

That was just weird for even me. I've gotten use to the fact his father and sister-in-law feel the need to like my posts on facebook (they're good, sweet people, and I know they're not doing it to be cruel, and they were NEVER bad to me), but his mom sending me a friend request the other night was just really strange.

 

To add context: She's had facebook for 5-6 years, and uses it. So it's not like she just got fb and I was suggested. Additionally I thought maybe they were triggered by finding an old ornament I'd made them while decorating the tree or last year's family christmas photo, etc--but then when he texted me on Christmas...he told me his parents aren't even home for Christmas. So that's not it.

 

 

 

Could it just be a coincidence?

 

 

If you knew the answer to this "why?", would it make a difference??

[Popsicle]

I'm curious. When is a breadcrumb, NOT a breadcrumb?

 

I hear you! Ugh. Sometimes what is genuine will be perceived as otherwise. Your last sentence is spot on.

 

My recommendation is to pick up the phone and call her.

Call her every other day.

Say warm and complimentary things to her.

Apologize for whatever went wrong before.

Eventually (or sooner) ask her out.

[Gr8fuln2020]

My recommendation is to pick up the phone and call her.

Call her every other day.

Say warm and complimentary things to her.

Apologize for whatever went wrong before.

Eventually (or sooner) ask her out.

 

Appreciate that. It's too late and not what she truly needs. We both need to heal, but I wanted her to know that it is not her fault and that I did INDEED love(d) her.

[darkbloom]

I'm curious. When is a breadcrumb, NOT a breadcrumb?

 

I know it happens ALL the time, but not EVERY time. All I'm saying is for the OP to wait, but do not respond for now. If it is then he will disappear again for some period. Realistically, if the OP is not even wanting that, then she should block his calls/texts.

 

Anything short of “I messed up, I’m sorry, how do I fix this?” Is a bread crumb. Also, anything over text message is a breadcrumb and bullish-t. If they are truly sorry they will pick up the phone and call or find you in person. This is textbook breadcrumbs.

[Popsicle]

Anything short of “I messed up, I’m sorry, how do I fix this?” Is a bread crumb. Also, anything over text message is a breadcrumb and bullish-t. If they are truly sorry they will pick up the phone and call or find you in person. This is textbook breadcrumbs.

 

Yup, nailed it.

[HumanMachine]

Anything short of “I messed up, I’m sorry, how do I fix this?” Is a bread crumb. Also, anything over text message is a breadcrumb and bullish-t. If they are truly sorry they will pick up the phone and call or find you in person. This is textbook breadcrumbs.

 

Exactly. If someone truly loves you & wants to be with you.. they will find a way!

[Cam1]

Anything short of “I messed up, I’m sorry, how do I fix this?” Is a bread crumb. Also, anything over text message is a breadcrumb and bullish-t. If they are truly sorry they will pick up the phone and call or find you in person. This is textbook breadcrumbs.

 

You summed it up well.

To update: He never responded to the text I replied the next morning saying which book by his favorite author I read. While I know him well enough guess he's probably been reading it in a coffee shop since, the fact he didn't respond tells me all anyone needs to know: You all were right. He's long gone, he doesn't care, and more than anything he probably contacted me because it was the holidays, he was alone and feeling at a low point, and wanted to know if I still cared. Well played.

[HiCrunchy]

Anything short of “I messed up, I’m sorry, how do I fix this?” Is a bread crumb. Also, anything over text message is a breadcrumb and bullish-t. If they are truly sorry they will pick up the phone and call or find you in person. This is textbook breadcrumbs.

 

Yes the phone call thing is true! When my ex first broke up with me he told me if I had anything to say to text it. I think he didn’t want to hear my voice to lessen the emotional attachment. Makes sense

[Cam1]

We broke up 5 months ago. He and I were together a year, and close friends for years before dating. Since then, there has only been contact 4 times--lastly he texted me on Christmas and we texted back and forth for the first time since the breakup.

 

Anyways, on Monday I was in his area, at the airport he use to pick me up at so regularly, and I was very sad and nostalgic, and as my plane was leaving I texted to tell him I was thinking of him. He responded that night, "At least you don't have to move out of your apartment over the next week. Lots of memorabilia to go through...:(" I asked what he meant, and he said "Things that have memories attached to them" and then "I wouldn't be surprised if there's stuff here I don't know about. I'm a little afraid of what I might find." I stopped responding.

 

I get the impression he's alluding to all of my stuff he has to go through in his apartment. What I don't understand--he dumped ME. Why does he act like I should feel sorry for him he has to go through memories? His responses sound bitter? On Christmas when I asked how he was, he said, "Not bad, not great either..."

 

This guy got exactly what he wanted: to get rid of me. He also during our entire friendship and relationship was not the person to openly express his feelings, good or bad, so him texting me any of these things is weird for him.

 

And there's LOTS of things for him to get rid of--a couples journal I gave him, my favorite childhood book, all the gifts I'd given him, my dress and socks and pairs of underwear, earrings, homemade coupons and blankets, notes I wrote him and use to leave in his dresser drawers and under the bed that say things like 'If you're reading this, I already miss you...'.

[Frostedflake]

And do you feel bad? If so, why?

You laid out exactly the reason you shouldn't: He ended it. He was emotionally closed off or cold.

 

Throwing out or sorting through ones past is ALWAYS hard. The same reason attics and garages are notoriously full of hoarded memories.

 

But really, his attachment to these items is his issue not yours.

If the relationship were to ever pick up again it would have nothing to do with what survived the purge or what didn't. So don't worry about that. It would have everything to do with you and how you would feel being with someone like that again.

[preraph]

Sounds like he's just not one to take responsibility for himself and his own actions and has to blame others, including you. You could always text back, Waaaaaaaahhhhhh. Or just tell him you're not the least sypathetic.

[Cam1]

And do you feel bad? If so, why?

 

I don't even feel bad. The way I see it, that's the price someone pays for having someone love them.

 

What amazed me was his sullen attitude about it. He wanted this more than anything in the world, so i don't know why he acts bitter about it.

[Cam1]

Minor update of note: Since the breakup, he has not liked one single thing involving me on fb (even though his family does, all the time...). Until yesterday.

 

My dog turned a year old this weekend. He only met her once (I have two--the older dog he liked and knew for years). She was like 7 months old when we broke up. Anyways, dog had a birthday and I put a cute picture of her up on fb. Imagine my surprise when he liked it.

 

I've posted a few pics of BOTH dogs since the breakup, and he's never once liked any of them, or ANYTHING else involving me--why now? Given our conversation a couple weeks ago he can't possibly think we're at a "exes who are friends" stage.

[Zahara]

Minor update of note: Since the breakup, he has not liked one single thing involving me on fb (even though his family does, all the time...). Until yesterday.

 

My dog turned a year old this weekend. He only met her once (I have two--the older dog he liked and knew for years). She was like 7 months old when we broke up. Anyways, dog had a birthday and I put a cute picture of her up on fb. Imagine my surprise when he liked it.

 

I've posted a few pics of BOTH dogs since the breakup, and he's never once liked any of them, or ANYTHING else involving me--why now? Given our conversation a couple weeks ago he can't possibly think we're at a "exes who are friends" stage.

 

I think the more important question here is to figure out why you're still opening yourself up to these questions. It's obvious that you keep him unblocked because you're looking for signs of life and him liking your FB injects some kind/level of hope. He broke up with you in August. Best to invest that time with NC and severing all ties so that you can properly heal and move on.

 

Dumpers have no problems doing things like this because it doesn't affect them at all -- it's just a like on FB. They have no attachment therefore do not place such emotional weight into what it means. The dumpee however analyzes it to death.

 

A few weeks ago you communicated with him. He thinks you both can be civil and cordial with each other. Contact (liking a post) doesn't mean anything more than just that, however contact to you means something and it affects you. He sees no issues liking a post since you two were friendly after that last exchange. That's about it.

Edited January 29, 2018 by Zahara

[springy]

Minor update of note: Since the breakup, he has not liked one single thing involving me on fb (even though his family does, all the time...). Until yesterday.

 

My dog turned a year old this weekend. He only met her once (I have two--the older dog he liked and knew for years). She was like 7 months old when we broke up. Anyways, dog had a birthday and I put a cute picture of her up on fb. Imagine my surprise when he liked it.

 

I've posted a few pics of BOTH dogs since the breakup, and he's never once liked any of them, or ANYTHING else involving me--why now? Given our conversation a couple weeks ago he can't possibly think we're at a "exes who are friends" stage.

 

It seems like you are making mountains out of molehills and maybe it would be a good idea to unfriend/block for awhile until you get to a place where you are un-phased by these tidbits. It is possible that he thinks you are at "exes who are friends" stage since you are still connected on social media and you reach out/respond to him periodically. He liked a cute picture of a dog - take it at face value.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, given the number of questions and doubts swirling in your mind throughout this thread, why not just come out and ask him if he wants to talk about you two?

 

Yes, it's direct. But then you will know whether all these seemingly minor things actually mean something more or not. You'll be able to stop reading into things, as you'll know whether or not he's feeling any regret for breaking up with you or if he's given any thought to reconciliation. You can stop tormenting yourself, in other words.

 

Why did he initially break up with you, anyway?

[Cam1]

OP, given the number of questions and doubts swirling in your mind throughout this thread, why not just come out and ask him if he wants to talk about you two?

 

You'll be able to stop reading into things, as you'll know whether or not he's feeling any regret for breaking up with you or if he's given any thought to reconciliation.

 

Why did he initially break up with you, anyway?

Because some part of me thinks if I put him on the spot like that, he wouldn't tell me the truth anyways. And more than likely even if he is truthful the answer is "I don't want to think about or talk about you, I don't regret it, etc." Which would feel even more like a death blow.

 

UPDATE AGAIN: IN OTHER NEWS, I posted something on facebook again last night. Not even something I really wanted to post, but a promo post I have to for an organization I'm an ambassador with. Guess who liked it? This is twice in 48 hours. After 6 months of radio silence on there. Seems really odd to me.

[HiCrunchy]

Anything short of “I messed up, I’m sorry, how do I fix this?” Is a bread crumb. Also, anything over text message is a breadcrumb and bullish-t. If they are truly sorry they will pick up the phone and call or find you in person. This is textbook breadcrumbs.

 

Please read this post many, many times.

Liking things on fb usually means that dumpers are okay and have moved on enough that seeing your activity on fb doesn’t emotionally bother them.

Anything other than a call or meeting in person isn’t much.

 

You should block him for your own sanity.

[Cam1]

He dumped me 6 months ago. Today I get a few texts that he's moving out of his place, and found all my stuff (accompanied by a pic of my necklace, which I left on his dresser...on his dresser. In a layer of dust. He never moved it.). I definitely want my stuff back, especially the beautiful dress. Is it weird if I call him, give him my address and tell him to send it?

[Cam1]

After lunch today I got a few texts from him. Telling me he's moving (which as the thread name states, we've known for weeks), and "found all my stuff" including a dress (which was in the closet the whole time, and I really loved and thought I'd never see again at this point) and a necklace. Included was a pic of the necklace, which is covered in a film of dust, still on the dresser where I took it off and set it down...In May. He never moved any of my stuff? For all these months? Is it weird if I just call him tonight instead of text to get my stuff sent and give him my address?

Also, is this what has prompted his like-athon on facebook lately?

[Minneloa]

With all due respect, two FB responses do not constitute a like-a-thon. To an outside observer, it appears that you might be blowing things out of proportion (social media, texts about logistics). Are you hoping for reconciliation? If so, I would caution you that hope can seriously distort reality.

[Zahara]

He dumped me 6 months ago. Today I get a few texts that he's moving out of his place, and found all my stuff (accompanied by a pic of my necklace, which I left on his dresser...on his dresser. In a layer of dust. He never moved it.). I definitely want my stuff back, especially the beautiful dress. Is it weird if I call him, give him my address and tell him to send it?

 

You bought the same exact dress as a replacement from eBay. This mess has been going on since August.

 

When are you going to let go? When will you start focusing on your healing and moving on? It's a bunch of stuff that you can live without.

 

If anything I think you like to keep it going because you're still trying to provoke some sort of reaction.

[CantTakeMySmile]

If it is not a mass of expensive items, cut

Your losses and move on.

 

If it is thousands of dollars worth of things, then consider the cost/benefit of having to deal with it again. If the necklace was still on his dresser, unmoved, you can bet he hasn’t been lamenting over the pain your material possessions has caused him. He didn’t care. Now is your time to not care.

 

Just let this go, and evaluate the bigger picture. Your health.