Ex boyfriend acts like I should feel bad he has to "go through memories"?

[Cam1]

I'm at 3 weeks post breakup, been strict NC since the moment he broke up with me (aside from him texting me on my birthday maybe hoping to ruin my day/stroke his ego--I didn't respond), and he still has not sent my stuff back. Every day I come home from work expecting a box on my front step. And nothing.

 

Nothing left behind was monumentous--earrings, necklace, pajamas, panties, but there was my really nice designer DRESS that I liked. He broke up with me because the grass was greener and there were women out there he hadn't met (allegedly) but needed to go see/experience/date. So I don't understand why he would keep my stuff. He would want to be rid of me as quick as possible! Why would some girl want to be laying in your bed with a dress hanging in the closet in full view and someone else's underwear under the bed?

 

If he was too cheap to mail it, he could drop it off in the mailbox of my family (who's home he's been to many times) who live close to him.

 

Did he just donate it? Or pitch it? Do men just pitch their exes stuff?

[SevenCity]

Quick question, did you ask for it back?

 

I've got a small box of the last girls stuff - haven't made it to the post office and she hasn't asked.

[Zahara]

Dumpers sometimes use "stuff" as a door that they can open at some point if they need to -- a way to start communication incase they need to revisit/use the dumpee.

 

Or he doesn't care about your stuff and just pitched it. Too much of a bother to mail it back to you. Or it just isn't a priority to him.

 

Unless it's something of value i.e. family heirloom, etc., you should let it go. Maybe you're the one holding onto this because you're hoping that it means something -- that he's still holding onto you?

 

Close that door and forget about your stuff. It will help you move on.

Edited September 1, 2017 by Zahara

[SevenCity]

Dumpers sometimes use "stuff" as a door that they can open at some point if they need to -- a way to start communication incase they need to revisit/use the dumpee.

 

Or he doesn't care about your stuff and just pitched it. Too much of a bother to mail it back to you. Or it just isn't a priority to him.

 

Unless it's something of value i.e. family heirloom, etc., you should let it go. Maybe you're the one holding onto this because you're hoping that it means something -- that he's still holding onto you?

 

Close that door and forget about your stuff. It will help you move on.

 

Very good points and advice. My ex (7 year RL) never gave me back one of my rifles.

 

$450 (got it on a Black Friday sale) was not worth asking for it back. It wasn't my favorite either so that helped.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Hate to mention this, Cam, but there are many exes who won't give things back. You could call an attorney and see what your rights are. But, doubt you'd want to incur that expense over a dress.

 

You could always call the ex and try to arrange with him a time to pick your things up but doubt that option sounds great to you, either.

 

So sorry you've lost your things, especially the favorite dress! I've lost a few things in my lifetime because of lax exes, too, many of us have. Live and learn is what I always say.

[basil67]

What Seven City said. Have you tried to set up a time to collect it?

[Cam1]

What Seven City said. Have you tried to set up a time to collect it?

 

Nope, and that's an excellent point. But I can't really just call, even if i wanted to, and be like, "Hey I'm in the area, I'd like to pick up my stuff." Because I live 1700 miles away. He would have to mail it or drop it at my local family's there.

 

I just don't get if he needed to clear me out as quickly as possible for "new experiences", why he'd keep my socks and underwear and other various stuff. Dealerships like to get used cards off the lot as quickly as possible--likewise he would need me out like a quicksale to get the newer models. You dont want to leave that stuff lying around, especially in a very small apartment,("oh here girl from the bar, let me wrap you up with this handmade blanket my ex girlfriend made me at christmas! hold tight!":sick:)

 

In other news, it's been a month ago today that he dumped me. Not a word out of him.

 

I don't have the heart or need to block his family on facebook, and yet his dad and sister continue to like every single post made about or by me. Even last night. I was pleasant to them, but we weren't friends-friends, so I don't know why they see the need to do this? Do they not know he dumped me?

[Zahara]

Nope, and that's an excellent point. But I can't really just call, even if i wanted to, and be like, "Hey I'm in the area, I'd like to pick up my stuff." Because I live 1700 miles away. He would have to mail it or drop it at my local family's there.

 

I just don't get if he needed to clear me out as quickly as possible for "new experiences", why he'd keep my socks and underwear and other various stuff. Dealerships like to get used cards off the lot as quickly as possible--likewise he would need me out like a quicksale to get the newer models. You dont want to leave that stuff lying around, especially in a very small apartment,("oh here girl from the bar, let me wrap you up with this handmade blanket my ex girlfriend made me at christmas! hold tight!":sick:)

 

In other news, it's been a month ago today that he dumped me. Not a word out of him.

 

I don't have the heart or need to block his family on facebook, and yet his dad and sister continue to like every single post made about or by me. Even last night. I was pleasant to them, but we weren't friends-friends, so I don't know why they see the need to do this? Do they not know he dumped me?

 

Cam, all this angst and breaking your head over his family and why he's keeping your socks and underwear.

 

You do realize that his family is not in the same headspace as you are. They are liking a post/picture. That's it. You however magnify it because you're affected and hurt. To them it's a simple click and they're moving on with their day to day. To you it's this huge mystery, boggling you mind every minute only because you are mentally and emotionally struggling. Everything has some meaning to you. You're coming from a different place. They're not reading into anything.

 

You need to block them. The first priority is your self-preservation. Protect yourself. I think your "stuff" and social media are lifelines of hope for you.

[Cam1]

You do realize that his family is not in the same headspace as you are. They are liking a post/picture. That's it. You however magnify it because you're affected and hurt. To them it's a simple click and they're moving on with their day to day. They're not reading into anything.

You need to block them. The first priority is your self-preservation. Protect yourself. I think your "stuff" and social media are lifelines of hope for you.

 

I do want to object to this slightly--My brother, and my best friend, were friends with him on facebook. If the tables were turned, my family would not be liking his posts on facebook. They would and will stay far away. If I rolled into their home and was like, "Yeah, I just dumped so-and-so", the last thing they would think would be alright to do is go like everything he posts from this point forward. In fact? To the contrary, my brother hearing the guy broke up with me was enough for him to delete him on fb.

[Zahara]

I do want to object to this slightly--My brother, and my best friend, were friends with him on facebook. If the tables were turned, my family would not be liking his posts on facebook. They would and will stay far away. If I rolled into their home and was like, "Yeah, I just dumped so-and-so", the last thing they would think would be alright to do is go like everything he posts from this point forward. In fact? To the contrary, my brother hearing the guy broke up with me was enough for him to delete him on fb.

 

Your family is not his family. Don't project. Not everyone is going to have the same boundaries as you do. At the end of the day, it doesn't mean anything to them but more to you to the point of extreme angst. Block him and his family. The goal now is self-preservation.

 

Regardless, your energy should be focused on healing rather than holding on and over analyzing irrelevance. The reality is that he's wanting to move on. Come to that acceptance.

Edited September 8, 2017 by Zahara

[Cam1]

 

Regardless, your energy should be focused on healing rather than holding on and over analyzing irrelevance. The reality is that he's wanting to move on. Come to that acceptance.

 

You were right about all this, by the way. I just wanted to pop back in and say that. It's been awhile now. The day after you wrote this, I found out not only was he back on tinder, he spent the weekend in NYC, using it to add random girls. On one hand it hurt because it meant he'd moved on, but on the other it hurt really badly because NYC was the only place I'd ever asked for us to go. Even a month before the breakup, I'd been wanting to go to New York. And he always had a reason we couldn't. I had a really good cry about it, and then realized..not worth the tears anymore. I 'm not getting my dress back, his family are sweet clueless people, I couldn't check his social media anymore and the rest.... It just doesn't matter. He got to move on and thankfully, so have I. It physically felt like a chain broke.

 

I spent all last weekend in his city at a conference, and I wasn't even tempted to reach out.

 

I'm pretty happy being by myself. I'm also dating again, and life is good. And that is the END of this story.

[Cam1]

It's now been 4 months since things ended. He never sent my things. The dress was one of my favorites to wear at holiday time (that's actually how it ended up in his closet--over last Christmas holiday. It looks very christmas-y). I looked up the brand and was lucky enough to find someone selling a couple of the same dress on eBay. So I just bought my same dress, used, from an eBay seller. I'll never see THAT particular dress again, but at least I get my dress back in a way:rolleyes:

 

I always knew he was cheap. If he didn't want to pay the postage, he knew I was in town last month, and he could have left it in a box on my porch without seeing me. Now I think he's just excessively cheap AND cruel.

But I learned--I will NEVER leave ANYTHING at a significant other's home again--pack it in, pack it out!

[Cam1]

Background: He dumped me in August, after a year together. Basically been no contact since then.

 

Some days are hard but overall it's okay. I haven't even been tempted to wish him happy holidays. Basically just have figured I'll never hear from him again.

 

Imagine my surprise yesterday afternoon when my phone goes off. "Merry Christmas, (my name)." I thought about if I should respond or not. Then I did, wished him merry Christmas, asked how he was (curiosity got the better of me).

 

He told me his family left and went out of town for the holidays, he's been hanging out with "old friends from high school (he's 27....)", and he told he's quote "Not great but not particularly bad". Which sounded odd to me. I asked him why not great and he proceeded to tell me his roommate (who he loved, and even I liked) moved out, he hates his job (he's been telling me this for years), and he plans to quit his job to travel next month (also something he's been saying for years) because he quote "wants to see what else is out there".

 

He then proceeds to ask how I am, and this exchange begins. We're just talking about traveling, but he kept asking me questions. And his occasional comment about my looks. Him: "I've always thought you looked like (insert country i visited here's ethnicity)." then "everyone tall and blonde does". This travel convo continued until I fell asleep. The last thing I said to him was I read a book by his favorite author a couple months ago, and I get it now. I woke up to 5 texts from him. He'd apparently texted asking which one, while I was falling asleep, and then again a half hour later to tell me "I'm passing out, by the way, so don't feel bad if I don't respond". And then "It was good talking to you, merry christmas."

 

It feels weird that someone who was SO important in my life, and my friend for YEARS before that, could feel like a total stranger. And I also don't get why he even contacted me? Does it sound like someone who thought the source of his unhappiness was me, is discovering I wasn't the problem after all?

 

Edit to add: To add to the weirdness--His MOTHER (who was always the calm voice of reason) sent me a friend request on facebook on Friday night. And then on Saturday morning, his sister in law (who'd I'd been friends with on there during the whole relationship anyhow) posted a pic of something random on my timeline on facebook (something she didn't even do during the relationship).

Edited December 27, 2017 by Cam1

[LenaBean94]

I think it’s normal to feel weird about things. Someone who was such a big part of your life and you’re catching up like strangers. No way around it-it sucks and it’s weird. The good thing is he seemed receptive.

 

Curious-you weren’t afraid to ask him how he’s been instead of just saying thank you?

[Popsicle]

Don't worry, things will go right back to how they were tomorrow. It's just a Christmas thing.

[Cam1]

Don't worry, things will go right back to how they were tomorrow. It's just a Christmas thing.

 

So we're voting he only reached out because christmas, and regrets nothing?

[HiCrunchy]

So we're voting he only reached out because christmas, and regrets nothing?

 

Yes it is definitely a Christmas thing. The holidays somehow bring (some) men out of the woodwork.

[Popsicle]

So we're voting he only reached out because christmas, and regrets nothing?

 

Regrets? Sure, but only on Christmas.

 

And you'll know this if things go back to how they were tomorrow and he doesn't reach out to you.

 

Did you see my thread? There were some great answers in there.

[Nadine123]

His mother who's sending you a friend request could mean alot, or nothing? As someone mentioned here, it's the holidays and people are usually emotional.

 

Do you want him as friends or do you want him back?

[PegNosePete]

So we're voting he only reached out because christmas, and regrets nothing?

Yes. You said so in your original subject line. Breadcrumbs are breadcrumbs even if they are turkey basted.

[1fish2fish]

Breadcrumbs are breadcrumbs even if they are turkey basted.

 

 

Bahahaha!! Truth!

[Gr8fuln2020]

Wait and see what he has to say, if anything. It could have been a breadcrumb, but we throw these words out in relationships as if the acts themselves are absolute.

 

I recently dumped an entire loaf of bread onto my ex. I am sure she feels that I am also 'breadcrumbing.' The recent exchanges in communication, after several attempts to end it and go NC, leads me to believe that neither of us are ready to let go just yet, but that was to be expected. Either this is a the beginning of a mature road to closure or something entirely unexpected. I was the dumper. For now, the important thing is that there is communication. If his communication becomes scarce again or w/o real substance, then chalk it up to breadcrumbing.

[darkbloom]

i’ll say it again for the people in the back “holidays are not an excuse to break NC” and “I won’t respond to breadcrumbs. I won’t respond to breadcrumbs. I won’t respond to breadcrumbs.”

 

You get to start NC all over again at day 1.

 

Breadcrumbs are the worst Christmas gift.

[Gr8fuln2020]

i’ll say it again for the people in the back “holidays are not an excuse to break NC” and “I won’t respond to breadcrumbs. I won’t respond to breadcrumbs. I won’t respond to breadcrumbs.”

 

You get to start NC all over again at day 1.

 

Breadcrumbs are the worst Christmas gift.

 

I'm curious. When is a breadcrumb, NOT a breadcrumb?

 

I know it happens ALL the time, but not EVERY time. All I'm saying is for the OP to wait, but do not respond for now. If it is then he will disappear again for some period. Realistically, if the OP is not even wanting that, then she should block his calls/texts.

[HiCrunchy]

I'm curious. When is a breadcrumb, NOT a breadcrumb?

 

I know it happens ALL the time, but not EVERY time. All I'm saying is for the OP to wait, but do not respond for now. If it is then he will disappear again for some period. Realistically, if the OP is not even wanting that, then she should block his calls/texts.

 

I guess it would be the motivation of the dumper.

Anything that leads into reconciliation is not a breadcrumb, anything that gets thrown at The dumpee otherwise is a breadcrumb.

 

For a hurting dumpee it is best to thread in the side of caution.

Edited December 27, 2017 by HiCrunchy