I feel like I've ruined things

January 20, 2018

You DO deserve better than that. I suffer from depression, so I know how these events impact us more than other people. That said, I've been through many break ups and a divorce. Often, it seemed like things would never get better. However, with time, they always do. You are young, smart, and kind. The right person will see this and love you for the wonderful person you are.

Thank you!!!!! :') That means so much. Blessed to hear that <3

January 20, 2018

I don't know why I'm still dealing with this guy, but he called me. I told him I'm surprised to hear from him and he said, why would you think I wouldn't want to speak to you anymore? And we started talking and I said we should give each other space to think about what we want, so we agreed. He told me to call him later. I said... you want *me* to call you later? Today? Because I was busy at that point. And he said yes. So I made a quick 5 minute call around 11pm (we usually talked late before) to say hi and that I can't talk for long but just was returning his phone call. He asked me to hang out tomorrow before I leave back to college the next day. I told him I probably could.

This is where things get ridiculous; I'm almost too shocked to write it.

He called me *again*. This time at 12:15AM. Mind you I told him I'd still be up partying with my friend (nothing major; just sipping on drinks and listening to music/dancing in my friend's apartment), but still...why call me at this time? He had before we started having issues, but I had particularly told him that I would talk to him tomorrow. So I was surprised when he called. He asked me what I was doing, I asked him what he was doing, we made small talk, I told him I should go...then he said "I wish you were here right now and we were together." and I, stupidly, said "Why?" He says, "We'd be kissing and making out and having sex."

...

When I tell you I was taken aback, I was SHOCKED. Reasons why (he already knows) I don't want to have sex with him anymore (we had sex two times), as we had discussed literally the afternoon before:

1. PTSD (I had flashbacks last time to sexual trauma)

2. The sex is some of the most horrible sex I have ever had (it's all about him, he's not particularly good at it, etc.) I didn't tell him this in detail but basically said at this point we aren't sexually compatible (he likes to wait to do other stuff apparently that would make the sex 10000x better) So I'm like, okay...if you don't feel comfortable doing that kind of thing, then I don't feel comfortable doing this. I'm not just a sex toy to stick his dick into, I told him.

3. NO COMMITMENT. He already told me he doesn't see himself being in a relationship!!! I will die before I ever find myself in another FWB, disrespectful, non-beneficial relationship, in which the guy just gets to f*ck me. If the sex were good that would be one thing, but at the very least I expect some sort of understanding that I'm not just a slut! I have learned that sex CANNOT CHANGE A MAN!!! I'm not here to try to change him at all. This isn't something I put into words to explain to him, but rather a sentiment I have--all I said is I'm not having sex outside of a commitment. How little respect does he have for me?

So I went off. I said multiple things, I told him I'm worth more than that, why would I want to have sex with him after all the sh*t he's said? He said "Because you like me...and I like you." And I said, no, you said you don't want a relationship. And actually, I like myself before I like you or anyone else, and will treat MYSELF with the respect I deserve. I said I only have sex with people I have a special connection with, people who respect me. And I don't have sex with people unless I'm expecting a committed relationship from them, at this point, until I'm in one. And even then I wouldn't have sex again until 6 months or more in. (I'm really done having sex with these sh*tty men) And he was like, "6 months?!?!" Mind you before we had this whole falling out, he had actually *Suggested* us not have sex anymore. Now he's expecting it, because yesterday he made me explain why we wouldn't have sex again. At this point, if he ever wanted to have sex with me, he would literally have to force me to have sex with him. There is no way in hell I am ever having sex with this man unless I see some serious changes in his respect level for me, his agenda with me, and the way in which he treats me. And that would be if, in an alternative universe, we were ever in a long-term relationship. (i didn't tell him that part)

So I ended the conversation and said, okay, I'll see you tomorrow. And he said, tomorrow? Like he was high or something and forgot...

Then he called me AGAIN at 2AM!!! He's done this before and I've answered because I was awake, but why not text someone first to see if they're awake? I would be okay if we had agreed to talk later, BUT I SAID TOMORROW. What, am I his call girl? I'm really taken aback by this disrespectful, disgusting behavior! Of course, I ignored the call!!!

I know you are all probably wondering why I'm still dealing with him, at this point I don't have feelings for him. I'm going to tell him we can just be friends unless he's willing to actually treat me appropriately. I'm going to talk to him later and try not to curse him out, but really it's going to be, essentially, me telling him he has got me all types of f*cked up. I didn't want this side of me to come out, but I DO NOT LIKE being disrespected. Either he fixes his attitude pronto and treats me as he did before as a woman deserving of respect, or he never hears from me again. I thought I would let you all know what's happening now in case you have any other feedback.

Edited January 20, 2018 by nothingsintheflowerz

January 20, 2018

Boundaries.

After that ridiculous call at 12:15 you never should have taken the 2:00 a.m. call. I certainly hope you are not going to "hang out" with him later today.

Go back to the part where you recognize that this was just a winter break fling that didn't work out. You better verbally make this break clean or this guy is going to repeatedly pester you & ruin your semester.

January 20, 2018

Boundaries.

After that ridiculous call at 12:15 you never should have taken the 2:00 a.m. call. I certainly hope you are not going to "hang out" with him later today.

Go back to the part where you recognize that this was just a winter break fling that didn't work out. You better verbally make this break clean or this guy is going to repeatedly pester you & ruin your semester.

I didn't take the 2:00AM call!!! I ignored him. And okay, I'll let him know. I'm so confused, why would he try to manipulate and take advantage of me like this? Even if that first question I sent was too much, it in no way warranted him taking advantage of me.

January 20, 2018

You have to look at this from his perspective.

He got this hot college girl to sleep with him. OK fine, she had a PTSD freak out but he was still feeling pretty good about himself that as he approaches 30 he can still score with a coed. OK, then there's the whole miscommunication where he misunderstood & thought you were pressing for a relationship too early. As much as that thought freaked him out, he was secretly flattered. Hey the hot coed wants more. He's feeling pretty impressed with himself. So he thinks about it & maybe seeing her again, having more sex & seeing where this could go isn't so bad so he reaches out & viola you are still talking to him. So he thinks his plan for another session between the sheets before you go back to school is a possibility.

At no point was this guy intentionally trying to hurt you. He wants sex. He likes having sex with you & he thought you were a willing partner who didn't require a commitment before getting horizontal. He figures you will continue to sleep with him every time you are home from school & you can both do whatever & whoever while you're gone.

He didn't think he was taking advantage because your behavior indicated that you were up for NSA sex, especially when you sought to confirm that multidating was allowed. Yet, now you are singing a different tune about no more FWBs, wanting a commitment & this guy taking advantage of you. How's that fair to him?

Granted, I think this guy is somewhat clueless & you are well rid of him but you do need to recognize how many times you have changed your mind in here & how unclear you have been throughout.

January 20, 2018

You have to look at this from his perspective.

He got this hot college girl to sleep with him. OK fine, she had a PTSD freak out but he was still feeling pretty good about himself that as he approaches 30 he can still score with a coed. OK, then there's the whole miscommunication where he misunderstood & thought you were pressing for a relationship too early. As much as that thought freaked him out, he was secretly flattered. Hey the hot coed wants more. He's feeling pretty impressed with himself. So he thinks about it & maybe seeing her again, having more sex & seeing where this could go isn't so bad so he reaches out & viola you are still talking to him. So he thinks his plan for another session between the sheets before you go back to school is a possibility.

At no point was this guy intentionally trying to hurt you. He wants sex. He likes having sex with you & he thought you were a willing partner who didn't require a commitment before getting horizontal. He figures you will continue to sleep with him every time you are home from school & you can both do whatever & whoever while you're gone.

He didn't think he was taking advantage because your behavior indicated that you were up for NSA sex, especially when you sought to confirm that multidating was allowed. Yet, now you are singing a different tune about no more FWBs, wanting a commitment & this guy taking advantage of you. How's that fair to him?

Granted, I think this guy is somewhat clueless & you are well rid of him but you do need to recognize how many times you have changed your mind in here & how unclear you have been throughout.

I actually was always clear with him that I didn't want to just have NSA sex but maybe he forgot or something, who knows. I hear what you're saying though!

January 20, 2018

He misunderstood other things you said, so he probably didn't get that right either.

There is something off about this guy. Cut ties. Go back to school. Have a fabulous semester!

January 20, 2018

He misunderstood other things you said, so he probably didn't get that right either.

There is something off about this guy. Cut ties. Go back to school. Have a fabulous semester!

Thank you!!!

January 20, 2018

Drop him. He's bad news. He's willing to exploit a situation with a girl who has PSTD and knows likes him/wants a rship with him all for sex. SMH. He knows you don't want NSA, but he doesn't care. Seen it on these boards and plenty others many times. Good luck getting him to go on an actual date and if you do his main goal will be to (netflix "chill" at his house. If you don't hookup I can almost guarantee he will go ghost again. Best thing to do would be to say you're not interested anymore bye

January 20, 2018

You had sex with this guy on your second date with no talk of exclusivity or a relationship. He's now operating on the assumption that continued NSA sex is on the table, whereas you have changed your mind and want an exclusive relationship for at least 6 months before having sex again. Small wonder you two are not on the same page at this point!

Just move on with no further contact.

January 20, 2018

You had sex with this guy on your second date with no talk of exclusivity or a relationship. He's now operating on the assumption that continued NSA sex is on the table, whereas you have changed your mind and want an exclusive relationship for at least 6 months before having sex again. Small wonder you two are not on the same page at this point!

Just move on with no further contact.

Again, I had already spoken to him about exclusivity in the future. Either way, I told him about five times before last night that I was not going to have sex again. He's manipulative.

January 20, 2018

This is WAY too much drama after two dates.

I wouldn't have any more contact with this guy, friends or otherwise.

I think it'd be best to leave this mess in the past and start slow and fresh with someone else.

And maybe go see someone about that PTSD, yeah?

January 20, 2018

This is WAY too much drama after two dates.

I wouldn't have any more contact with this guy, friends or otherwise.

I think it'd be best to leave this mess in the past and start slow and fresh with someone else.

And maybe go see someone about that PTSD, yeah?

I already have a therapist; thank you for your perspective.

January 20, 2018

UPDATE (i can't believe this has even continued!)

He called me today and apologized for everything, saying he was drunk the night before, doesn't expect sex from me like he said, likes me, and said that personal stress caused him to overreact to my exclusivity question and that he wants to start fresh back to where we were....

Edited January 20, 2018 by nothingsintheflowerz
Clarity

January 21, 2018

Again, I had already spoken to him about exclusivity in the future. Either way, I told him about five times before last night that I was not going to have sex again. He's manipulative.

You told him about your desire for exclusivity AFTER you'd had sex. I'm guessing he may see this as manipulative.

Actions > words.

In any case, why don't you just block him and find someone else to date?

January 21, 2018

You told him about your desire for exclusivity AFTER you'd had sex. I'm guessing he may see this as manipulative.

Actions > words.

In any case, why don't you just block him and find someone else to date?

Apparently you were there. Again, he already knew before. And this isn't an issue anymore because we discussed last night and I told him I will not be having sex with him. He apologized profusely for overreacting to the original message I had sent him and asked for us to start over. I'm ambivalent about it but if I do give him another chance it will be with a minimal amount of my investment

January 22, 2018

Apparently you were there. Again, he already knew before. And this isn't an issue anymore because we discussed last night and I told him I will not be having sex with him. He apologized profusely for overreacting to the original message I had sent him and asked for us to start over. I'm ambivalent about it but if I do give him another chance it will be with a minimal amount of my investment

You are your own worst enemy. This man treated you like an escort and there you are willing to start over with him, why? is he the ONLY man available to date? When a man shows little respect for you, and may I add this early on, you don't go giving him second chances, you drop him and you move on.

Down the road you'll be wondering why some women have great men in their life and not you, that's why, that's because you give your time to losers and cannot cut them off when it's time to.

January 22, 2018

Abort. Gaeta's right. He is an F boy of the highest order. You said yourself he's manipulative and now he's said sorry you say okay let's give it another try? You know this isn't right. This probably won't go very far but You're going to be dragged along by him as long as you put up with it and he feels like it and then when it's over you're going to be sat there wondering why all these people have have loving, mutually respectful relationships and you just got done dealing with an Fboy and why the hell you did that.

Edited January 22, 2018 by Cookiesandough

January 22, 2018

UPDATE (i can't believe this has even continued!)
He called me today and apologized for everything, saying he was drunk the night before, doesn't expect sex from me like he said, likes me, and said that personal stress caused him to overreact to my exclusivity question and that he wants to start fresh back to where we were....

Ugh.

Tell him you are going back to school & the LDR thing sounds like a p.i.t.a. Promise to get back in touch with him when you come home for summer to see where you both are then. By then you should both have forgotten about each other & moved on to others who are better matches for you both.

January 23, 2018

So I cut things off, he actually called me last night and told me he changed his mind, blamed his spike in diabetes on the "Stress" I've been causing him, then said he's sorry he led me on. Random, I know. I barely had spoken to him the past couple of days. I hung up and texted him to lose my number. He wanted to talk on the phone again and he spent the next hour sobbing about his diabetes (he's losing his vision/becoming colorblind) and saying again that he likes me and wanted to make things work. This guy is emotionally unstable. He was crying about his diabetes our last conversation when he apologized, too. I listened in pure awe of how he could break things off yet again and then use me as an emotional sponge, then try to make it sound like he did like me with absolutely no pressure on my part. I told him that I feel it's best we don't talk and again got off the phone. This time I didn't answer. He left me five missed calls and when I finally did answer, he told me he missed my voice and "your chocolate ass". At this point I was just completely done and blocked his number. According to phone records he left me twelve more missed calls, two voicemails of him yelling and three texts about how "you're a liar and a fraud". Oy vey. This makes me want to never go on Tinder again.

January 23, 2018

This is way, way too much drama.

January 23, 2018

This is way, way too much drama.

Do I just attract drama to me? I'm not sure anymore.

I'm definitely done with this situation and I'm just grateful he doesn't know my home address or anything so he can't bother me beyond my phone.

In better news I deleted Tinder and am taking a break from dating. I'm waiting to hear back from grad schools! (Already accepted into one ) I'm going to focus on myself for awhile. You all are right; I am constantly settling in my relationships and I need to figure out why.

January 23, 2018

Do you all have any tips on the fact I'm *always* focused on relationships despite my busy life? And how to actually make progress in my romantic life?

I haven't been in a relationship for the past two years now, but I've had plenty of FWB that went nowhere, awkward first dates, and then this.

I think it's something I'm doing.

January 23, 2018

I'm guessing you're black and he's white? Correct me if i'm wrong.

Just so you know, some white men will only want to be with you because they want to know what it's like to be with a black girl. Some will actually like having sex with you simply because of your skin colour. I find it weird.

January 23, 2018

I'm guessing you're black and he's white? Correct me if i'm wrong.

Just so you know, some white men will only want to be with you because they want to know what it's like to be with a black girl. Some will actually like having sex with you simply because of your skin colour. I find it weird.

The exact reason I've never dated a white man before; he's black and very woke.

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