Must remain NC

[rumblefish12]

"I have tried myself so many times I lost count."

 

Don't worry about how many times you've tried. Just worry about this time.

 

I've been there dozens of times. I am now 8 days NC, after a relapse, which was preceded by 8 months NC. Which was preceded by a relapse, which was preceded by 6 months NC. xAP and I started this whole thing over 5 years ago.

 

It just takes one time to get NC right.

[shypapaya67]

Thank you rumblefish12. It helps knowing others are dealing with the same

[lovefool822]

Thank you for your comments!! It does help knowing that there are others with the same struggle. And it is a struggle because what you feel for that person is a positive feeling and those feelings feel good so to try and let them go and train your mind that you shouldn’t have them is very difficult. This is why this time for me, I’m channeling some anger towards him and the situation and it seems to be helping. I know though in the depths of me, I’m just as liable for everything so the anger is a little embellished but I really don’t care, as long as I keep the NC, that’s all that matters.

[rumblefish12]

Lovefool -- I do the same thing. I think of all the things she did to me. In reality, I am as much if not more to blame. I know that. But, it doesn't hurt to think of all the reasons we wouldn't work once the limerence fades. I agree with you - whatever it takes to keep the NC.

[lovefool822]

I feel as though I’m going to have a weak moment soon and my mind is trying to convince me that I have to know how he is. I won’t reach out and I think posting here amongst people who are going through the same eaxact thing is helping. I feel that if I do, I will let you all down and that I’ll somehow pass on the weak moment on to you and then you’ll break NC. We all have our own minds and make our own choices, but these relationships are like no other. I respect the fact that I could be held accountable. Thank you all and keep fighting!!

[rumblefish12]

LF - those weak moments do come. They'll also go. Remind yourself of that in the moment. It's a rollercoaster, particularly early on. Keep posting and thank you for supporting the rest of us too.

[lovefool822]

Thank you, RF! I will definitely keep posting.

[Poppy47]

"I have tried myself so many times I lost count."

 

Don't worry about how many times you've tried. Just worry about this time.

 

I've been there dozens of times. I am now 8 days NC, after a relapse, which was preceded by 8 months NC. Which was preceded by a relapse, which was preceded by 6 months NC. xAP and I started this whole thing over 5 years ago.

 

It just takes one time to get NC right.

 

What happened after 8 months RF?

 

I have had a couple of similar experiences. I found after some time away from the A I started to feel confident that it would be OK to go back.

 

Both experiences have proven to be disastrous.

 

Keep going. You will get there one day.

 

Poppy

[rumblefish12]

What happened after 8 months RF?

 

Hi, Poppy -- after 8 months it was the same thing that happened after the 6 month NC previously. She called. I got love-bombed. I barely resisted. I fell right back into it.

 

I've always thought the drug addiction analogy was right on point. . . with one big difference . . . your drug doesn't call you.

 

That's no excuse really; I was weak. It played out just like before. And here I am again, very thankful you are all still here.

[lovefool822]

Early 2017 we were in NC for about 4 months and I felt like I was over him. I reached out to see how he was and love bombed would be the correct term. Slowly I started to get drawn back in and went back to square one. I have to remember that in case down the line in a few months I get tempted to reach out. Even if I really truly feel like I’m over him, because of the desire I have for him that was never fulfilled because it was mostly emotional, I don’t trust that i can ever really be over it. Or at least that’s how it feels now.

[Poppy47]

Early 2017 we were in NC for about 4 months and I felt like I was over him. I reached out to see how he was and love bombed would be the correct term. Slowly I started to get drawn back in and went back to square one. I have to remember that in case down the line in a few months I get tempted to reach out. Even if I really truly feel like I’m over him, because of the desire I have for him that was never fulfilled because it was mostly emotional, I don’t trust that i can ever really be over it. Or at least that’s how it feels now.

 

I used to stalk him on FB . He knew I would be looking and left hooks all over his page..he posted on the anniversary of my dog's death. He even posted a happy anniversary on the date that we met years ago.He was a great manipulator and I used to think it was because he missed me.Ha!

 

I used to eventually fall for something and contact him again. That's changed now and I have blocked him on FB.I cannot see him and he certainly has no idea what has happened to me. I have deleted his number from my phone so I can't see it. His email address is blocked also.

 

It's a very different story when I have no idea what's happening to him.Now I wonder if he even existed.... he didn't really. He was savvy enough to become the embodiment of all I wanted.

 

Poppy.

[BigBlueSky]

Early 2017 we were in NC for about 4 months and I felt like I was over him. I reached out to see how he was and love bombed would be the correct term. Slowly I started to get drawn back in and went back to square one. I have to remember that in case down the line in a few months I get tempted to reach out. Even if I really truly feel like I’m over him, because of the desire I have for him that was never fulfilled because it was mostly emotional, I don’t trust that i can ever really be over it. Or at least that’s how it feels now.

 

I can SO relate to this. We've gone NC for a few months at a time and I'd feel like I was over him and gaining some sort of normalcy. It only took one time for him or I to reach out and then it was back to where it started. In the past, I have deceived myself into thinking that I was okay. However, I know now that there is always going to be an attraction and pull towards one another and I need to be very careful. There was never a huge blowout or anything like that. We've always ended it somewhat nicely and wanting the best for one another. It sounds like yours is similar? That's why, for me, know LC would never work... Or the reach outs to see how one of us is doing. I feel like I have to stay on guard and put up boundaries. It's way too easy for me to get sucked back in. Good for you for initiating NC. I'm rooting for you.

[jah526]

I used to stalk him on FB . He knew I would be looking and left hooks all over his page..he posted on the anniversary of my dog's death. He even posted a happy anniversary on the date that we met years ago.He was a great manipulator and I used to think it was because he missed me.Ha!

 

I used to eventually fall for something and contact him again. That's changed now and I have blocked him on FB.I cannot see him and he certainly has no idea what has happened to me. I have deleted his number from my phone so I can't see it. His email address is blocked also.

 

It's a very different story when I have no idea what's happening to him.Now I wonder if he even existed.... he didn't really. He was savvy enough to become the embodiment of all I wanted.

 

Poppy.

 

Yours sounds very similar to mine. He's a hustler, a player, felt no guilt and didn't care if he was "bad". Not sure why I got so addicted except that maybe like yours he figured out what I wanted and "became" that. All to get what HE wanted (which, to be clear, wasn't me specifically - he just wanted a warm place to put his d*** when his wife wasn't handy).

 

I am under no illusions anymore that there was anything good (or even real) about this guy. Today was the first day that I felt something close to rage (took 7 months to get here), and I felt tempted to contact his wife, not to hurt HER, but to hurt HIM. It's not fair that he came out of this just fine, with his family still there and his wife not knowing, and him presumably still hunting if he hasn't already found someone else.

 

Feeling down tonight, like the bad people out there reap the rewards and don't suffer repercussions, while those who are trying to do the right thing continue to hurt. Kind of feel like I've lost my compass.

[shypapaya67]

Hang in there everyone. We are all realizing the same thing and all of our posts will help us all get through it. ?

[lovefool822]

Thank you, BBS. Yes, our stories sound similar as they were both EA. We never had a blow up or whenever we have tried going NC before, it was never on bad terms. We both had an understanding of what we were doing, why we were doing it and that it had to come to a close eventually. There was a major pull towards one another and it was a constant hot/cold game. I went back and read your threads and I get every word and emotion you are feeling. Some people seem to think situations like this are black or white and perhaps they are once you’re out of it and time has healed you, but while you’re in the midst of it and really trying to gain understanding, it really isn’t. However, expressing the situation and baring it all on a platform like this I think is a good step towards a different perspective. I can’t wait for that.

 

I had a bad day yesterday and I was really tempted to reach out. All those convincing thoughts were in my head. He misses me. One email won’t hurt. He’ll be happy to hear from me. LC could be a possibility. Heart of hearts I know it’s a bad idea and all the work thus far would be in vain. Must stay NC.

Here’s to another day!!

 

Cheers and strength to all going through the same crap.

[lovefool822]

Are you still in LC? How’s that going? Are you regretting not staying NC?

How are things with your husband?

[BigBlueSky]

Are you still in LC? How’s that going? Are you regretting not staying NC?

How are things with your husband?

 

I haven't updated my thread in a long time. I don't even remember when I last posted on it. Just to update though, we still tried to cut contact for while after that, I think. We'd said some final goodbyes. I didn't block him or delete his info and he had reached out. Finally about a month and a half ago, I really couldn't take it anymore. Every time I heard from him, I was filled with anxiety. It came from the fact that I knew it had to end. Every time there was contact, I knew there was a goodbye attached to it and I just couldn't say goodbye anymore. It was too painful every single time because we still cared for one another. On top of that I was really frustrated that my boundaries were being pushed. And so I wrote an email saying things I had never dared say to him, and I was more firm than I had ever been. I sent it off and felt relief... and empowered.

 

Since then, I have heard from him occasionally. I try so hard not to engage. I haven't deleted my email and so he still can find an alternate email to contact me. And if I ever wanted to get a hold of him, I know I could. But for me, there was a shift that happened after that last email I wrote to him. I don't wait for him and long for him like I used to. I'm starting to see the negative traits in him. I knew rationally that they were there before but I see things in a different light now. I think I'll always care about him. However the intensity and craziness of my feelings has waned and I'm thankful for that.

 

One thing that's helped is not seeing him. It's been quite a few months since we've spent time together. I had to see him last weekend. It was in public and very brief. I totally blanked out. I don't remember much of it, if I said hi or bye. It was really weird. All I remember is him talking to my son, and us smiling at each other when I was on my way out.

 

With my H, things are "good". I put that in quotations because I know that there will always be these decisions I've made that wrecked things. I haven't told him. I haven't decided that I'm going to. We spend a lot of time together and enjoy each other. i know that my choices were not based on who he is, but on my faults. I have a lot to work through.

 

Sorry for the huge post. It's cathartic to write it out and know that I'm not alone in this. It's been helpful to read your posts and what you're going through. The struggle to want to reach out gets easier and less. Just keep at it.

 

Hope your day is going ok! We will stumble through this together

[springs]

Grey cloud- he’s in a sexless marriage. I know he has been unhappy but he is not the type to leave a marriage for that reason.

 

At this point I think I could write a script for a married man who is looking to get into an affair but at the same time wants to keep his wife. Here is some of the dialogue:

 

"You really know me. Nobody has really understood me before."

 

"There is something about you that intrigues me."

 

"I love my wife but I'm not IN love with her."

 

" I think about you all the time...I wish things could be different.'

 

"You're so beautiful. I can't believe you want me."

 

(I really should write a book except I'm worried all the cheating dudes would try and find me and make me stop.)

[BluesPower]

At this point I think I could write a script for a married man who is looking to get into an affair but at the same time wants to keep his wife. Here is some of the dialogue:

 

"You really know me. Nobody has really understood me before."

 

"There is something about you that intrigues me."

 

"I love my wife but I'm not IN love with her."

 

" I think about you all the time...I wish things could be different.'

 

"You're so beautiful. I can't believe you want me."

 

(I really should write a book except I'm worried all the cheating dudes would try and find me and make me stop.)

 

We already know all the lines... so you would not sell any books.

 

And these are so typical.

 

I my bad old days I used all of them. Sometimes it was true...

[Taxed]

Good for you - think of it as one of the best decisions that you have made in your life to take care of you

 

Sometimes we have to take some pain in order to feel better in the long run.

[springs]

We already know all the lines... so you would not sell any books.

 

And these are so typical.

 

I my bad old days I used all of them. Sometimes it was true...

 

The book would be geared for women. I'd have a cute pink cover and the title would be "Cr@p Men Say." It would sell at least five copies.

 

Truth is women love romance and even if they know it's a line they want to believe it anyway.

 

@ OP you wrote this: "I think though, I am truly in love with him and that is why I decided to end it."

 

Truth be told you aren't "in love" with him. You're infatuated and addicted to the high forbidden love sort of promises but never delivers.

Edited January 23, 2018 by springs

[Taxed]

The book would be geared for women. I'd have a cute pink cover and the title would be "Cr@p Men Say." It would sell at least five copies.

 

Truth is women love romance and even if they know it's a line they want to believe it anyway.

 

@ OP you wrote this: "I think though, I am truly in love with him and that is why I decided to end it."

 

Truth be told you aren't "in love" with him. You're infatuated and addicted to the high forbidden love sort of promises but never delivers.

 

That made me chuckle

 

Subdivision to your book title:

 

500 Ways to Waste Your Life

 

And yes, it sounds like infatuation. May I also suggest reading up on trauma bonding.

[lovefool822]

Thank you for sharing. As I mentioned previously, I had a bad day last week which turned into a bad week and Friday night I had way too much wine and I emailed him. Ugh. I was so mad at myself. It was a short email telling him I missed him. I regretted it the next day and sent another email telling him to please not to reply and that it was for the best. I’m trying not to beat myself up about it. I’ve done countless stupid **** and I’m not dwelling on this one. I know I’m making some progress and this is a small setback. Note to self, lay off the wine.

[BigBlueSky]

Hi there, LF. Sorry to hear about your tough week. Good plan to lay off the wine!

 

How have you been doing since the setback? Don't beat yourself up over it. Just keep moving forward. You should probably think about how you will respond if you hear back from him. Often times, I've been caught off guard and end up responding when I shouldn't, or saying something that should have been left unsaid.

 

Hope you have a better week this week! Glad you're here and posting

[Scoutjr]

 

Feeling down tonight, like the bad people out there reap the rewards and don't suffer repercussions, while those who are trying to do the right thing continue to hurt. Kind of feel like I've lost my compass.

 

JAH - I was feeling like this today, too. So why does he get to walk away unscathed? I was at an industry conference yesterday and his name came up - he is well regarded in his industry - and someone said "Oh yes, I worked with him. We go way back. He's a good guy." I almost spit out my coffee. If they only knew what a piece of **** he is.