Bye Mr. Nowhere

[inmyownworld]

Could you talk a little more, I want to know which part makes you feel he is a player.

 

A player to me is a guy who comes on strong in the beginning, very charming, very charismatic. He makes you think you hit the boyfriend lottery. But he isn't interested in a relationship. He's interested in the chase. Once he think you're hooked, he looses interest and seems to disappear or fade away.

He sounded like them from your brief first post, but I could be wrong as your post was short.

[maybejune]

A player to me is a guy who comes on strong in the beginning, very charming, very charismatic. He makes you think you hit the boyfriend lottery. But he isn't interested in a relationship. He's interested in the chase. Once he think you're hooked, he looses interest and seems to disappear or fade away.

He sounded like them from your brief first post, but I could be wrong as your post was short.

 

He was exactly like that. He seems like he didn't know how to have a long term relationship, well his last RL only lasted 3 months.

[inmyownworld]

He was exactly like that. He seems like he didn't know how to have a long term relationship, well his last RL only lasted 3 months.

 

Yes, unless he's in his early 20's, he's most likely commitment phobic. It has nothing to do with you. I know that's not much consolation. I think they are hard to get over, because he seemed so great in the beginning, but just know, it was a mirage.

[maybejune]

It's not a long time at all. I'm about 5 months into my current breakup myself. It's not my first rodeo either which is unfortunate but has taught me a lot about the healing process.

 

Time is really relative when it comes to healing. Depending on the nature of your relationship and other variables, you could be over it in a few months or it could take years. Never mind anyone else and don't succumb to their expectations and pressures. They mean well but are incorrect if they say things like "You should be over this by now." We heal when we heal because getting through grieving is a process. You need time to chew, digest and excrete and within all that, all kinds of emotions will come with it.

 

Immediately following my own breakups, sometimes I would just lie in bed, sleep. Wake up, eat a little, take a shower, watch watch a lot of movies. That was all I could manage at the time. As time went on, I began to add a little bit to the routine. I'd go to the store. I'd maybe go for a walk. Then I'd return to the gym and get my physical routine back to speed. I'd talk to my family a little more. I'd find the strength to meet up with friends again. Suddenly one day, I'd find myself talking to someone new and liking it. And that would all happen over the course of a year to a year and a half or so in my particular situation. It was never an overnight process.

 

Your heart is broken. It will take time to mend so extend yourself some leeway and let yourself feel it all. Anger, sadness etc. Don't date right now and if you want to be alone, be alone for awhile. I hope you haven't been reaching out to him and have removed him from your social media so that you won't stalk and see hurtful updates. It'll really help with the initial part of healing. The only thing that you need to be doing is putting your energy into taking care of youself. It's good that you have a therapist and have clearly reached out on LS to share your pain. You are taking steps and in pursuit of moving forward which means you will be okay.

 

Stay strong OP. I believe by the end of this year, you'll be good.

 

I have deleted him from social media, his ins is public. but I have managed to not check on that for over a month, he didn't update anything since BU. Well but I had spent time stalk him on those things, and I looked into his past which I should have done when i was dating him. -- You 're so right, even his past could hurt me, new post would devastate me much more.

 

Therapist, that's not what I wanted, he wasn't interested in my case, after he pointed out some of my issue -- basically I was very immature, the he kindly kicked me out because he is not specialized in dealing with healing. I felt so hopeless the day I left his office, then I start to return to early days right after BU, I slept terribly, ate very little, spent most of time in bed crying for no reason. I lost weight, that's really a warning to me, because I know I hit hard when I lose weight

 

I may try other therapists...

[maybejune]

Yes, unless he's in his early 20's, he's most likely commitment phobic. It has nothing to do with you. I know that's not much consolation. I think they are hard to get over, because he seemed so great in the beginning, but just know, it was a mirage.

 

Both me and he are much older than early 20's... neither of us usually date, his ex gfs were much younger than me at the time when he was dating them.

 

He was perfect in the beginning, showing me extremely confidence in working things out. Then he just never really put effort into it. One girl friend of mine said, it could be me that he became uninterested, I couldn't hold his interest, I couldn't keep him motivated, I failed to attract him after the first few months... I really don't know.

[igotoverit]

Both me and he are much older than early 20's... neither of us usually date, his ex gfs were much younger than me at the time when he was dating them.

 

He was perfect in the beginning, showing me extremely confidence in working things out. Then he just never really put effort into it. One girl friend of mine said, it could be me that he became uninterested, I couldn't hold his interest, I couldn't keep him motivated, I failed to attract him after the first few months... I really don't know.

 

That's a cruel thing for them to say. That one girl doesn't sound like much of a friend.

[inmyownworld]

That's a cruel thing for them to say. That one girl doesn't sound like much of a friend.

 

Wow, I agree. You don't need enemies with friends like that. I also saw your post about the therapist. There are a lot of bad ones out there. I would definitely seek out another. My therapist is wonderful and she would never say/do such a thing as you described. Therapy can be very healing with the right one.

[Beachead]

I have deleted him from social media, his ins is public. but I have managed to not check on that for over a month, he didn't update anything since BU. Well but I had spent time stalk him on those things, and I looked into his past which I should have done when i was dating him. -- You 're so right, even his past could hurt me, new post would devastate me much more.

 

Therapist, that's not what I wanted, he wasn't interested in my case, after he pointed out some of my issue -- basically I was very immature, the he kindly kicked me out because he is not specialized in dealing with healing. I felt so hopeless the day I left his office, then I start to return to early days right after BU, I slept terribly, ate very little, spent most of time in bed crying for no reason. I lost weight, that's really a warning to me, because I know I hit hard when I lose weight

 

I may try other therapists...

 

Keep shopping around until you find one you like if you wish to. For me, I spoke to a relationship/life coach who really made a difference for me but I had to shop around a bit and think about it as well.

 

And yes, the updates will hurt you. To see your ex "Living life and Having fun" or to see them with someone new is terrible. We don't need to go through that when we can barely get through the day. It's already hard enough. So I would always advise to just keep them blocked because it will give you less to dwell on which will help speed up the healing process. The general idea is No Contact will minimize your pain and duration of suffering and is the fastest route back to yourself compared to stalking their social media, feeling bad when you see an update, messaging them here and there and having fragmented, emotionally dead, conversations that lead nowhere and lead you on.

 

Having said that, you have to adjust the rules to a certain degree for your personality and particular situation. If you've been through a few breakups, you'll know how you are and what you need to do. For me, I had been in no contact for a good 3 months before I checked up on my exes facebook profile picture. I ended up seeing a picture of her and her ex together (She went back to him after breaking up with me) and it completely burned me out. I was thinking how much of an idiot I was to unblock her but after some time, I actually started to get passed it and feel better. But for me to face it, I had to disconnect from her for a few months and regain enough strength to handle it. If I hadn't taken the time away had seen the picture, I am pretty sure I would have contacted her and embarrassed myself and ended up feeling 10 times worse with far more to regret. So it all depends but try to adhere as best you can to the rules of No Contact. They were designed by people like us for people like us.

 

Ps. When my second ex broke up with me. I lost 10 pounds and had chest pain every night for several months. I never thought I would get passed it but I did..and I did it on my own without dating anyone and using them as a distraction. Then one unexpected day, I met my current ex and fell in love (Though we broke up, it still showed I was able to love again which I didn't think was possible).

Edited January 16, 2018 by Beachead

[maybejune]

I will. It's hard to find a good one. I was so anxious and was on the edge of collapse, so I just went to the one who can talk to me the next day. The therapist did listen to me -- let me vent out my sadness, because I really need people to listen to me at the time. I definitely need more than a listener.

 

About social media, a few years ago, I was kinda having feeling about a guy, he showed me his interest and made me think he would date but never happened, and he flirted around, and made me look like a fool. I was young and stupid and started to have real feeling about him, in the next couple years, he kept commenting on my social media and just couldn't leave me alone -- since we never officially dated, and we had mutual friends, I didn't delete him until couple years later. I wasted my time on him, I couldn't cut off until I deleted him completely.

 

So this time, after BU, I kept him on my social media for two weeks, since I was the "dumper", I was waiting for him to delete me on FB. Since he didn't ( he really didn't care at all lol), I started to dig into his past, and I couldn't bear to see any his pic with girls -- he never wanted to have a single pic with me, and never let me take his pic-- so knowing he had pic with girls in the past, I feel I never existed in his life. Most articles will recommend to delete pics on your pc and phone, honestly, I had barely nothing that sensitive to delete.

 

I don't know how other guys think about this picture thing, but I feel he didn't want any evidence that we were once dating -- even though I met his friends.

 

Thanks for understanding the lose weight part. Most girls will cheer on it, but you know it's so difficult to keep weight under this circumstance. I have tried to eat more and better this week, hopefully I can gain a few pounds back in the next couple weeks.

 

Keep shopping around until you find one you like if you wish to. For me, I spoke to a relationship/life coach who really made a difference for me but I had to shop around a bit and think about it as well.

 

And yes, the updates will hurt you. To see your ex "Living life and Having fun" or to see them with someone new is terrible. We don't need to go through that when we can barely get through the day. It's already hard enough. So I would always advise to just keep them blocked because it will give you less to dwell on which will help speed up the healing process. The general idea is No Contact will minimize your pain and duration of suffering and is the fastest route back to yourself compared to stalking their social media, feeling bad when you see an update, messaging them here and there and having fragmented, emotionally dead, conversations that lead nowhere and lead you on.

 

Having said that, you have to adjust the rules to a certain degree for your personality and particular situation. If you've been through a few breakups, you'll know how you are and what you need to do. For me, I had been in no contact for a good 3 months before I checked up on my exes facebook profile picture. I ended up seeing a picture of her and her ex together (She went back to him after breaking up with me) and it completely burned me out. I was thinking how much of an idiot I was to unblock her but after some time, I actually started to get passed it and feel better. But for me to face it, I had to disconnect from her for a few months and regain enough strength to handle it. If I hadn't taken the time away had seen the picture, I am pretty sure I would have contacted her and embarrassed myself and ended up feeling 10 times worse with far more to regret. So it all depends but try to adhere as best you can to the rules of No Contact. They were designed by people like us for people like us.

 

Ps. When my second ex broke up with me. I lost 10 pounds and had chest pain every night for several months. I never thought I would get passed it but I did..and I did it on my own without dating anyone and using them as a distraction. Then one unexpected day, I met my current ex and fell in love (Though we broke up, it still showed I was able to love again which I didn't think was possible).

[Beachead]

I will. It's hard to find a good one. I was so anxious and was on the edge of collapse, so I just went to the one who can talk to me the next day. The therapist did listen to me -- let me vent out my sadness, because I really need people to listen to me at the time. I definitely need more than a listener.

 

About social media, a few years ago, I was kinda having feeling about a guy, he showed me his interest and made me think he would date but never happened, and he flirted around, and made me look like a fool. I was young and stupid and started to have real feeling about him, in the next couple years, he kept commenting on my social media and just couldn't leave me alone -- since we never officially dated, and we had mutual friends, I didn't delete him until couple years later. I wasted my time on him, I couldn't cut off until I deleted him completely.

 

So this time, after BU, I kept him on my social media for two weeks, since I was the "dumper", I was waiting for him to delete me on FB. Since he didn't ( he really didn't care at all lol), I started to dig into his past, and I couldn't bear to see any his pic with girls -- he never wanted to have a single pic with me, and never let me take his pic-- so knowing he had pic with girls in the past, I feel I never existed in his life. Most articles will recommend to delete pics on your pc and phone, honestly, I had barely nothing that sensitive to delete.

 

I don't know how other guys think about this picture thing, but I feel he didn't want any evidence that we were once dating -- even though I met his friends.

 

Thanks for understanding the lose weight part. Most girls will cheer on it, but you know it's so difficult to keep weight under this circumstance. I have tried to eat more and better this week, hopefully I can gain a few pounds back in the next couple weeks.

 

No I don't believe losing weight because of emotional stress is a good way to lose weight. It can lead to health complications like ulcers and constant anxiety attacks if it persists. When I broke up with my previous ex, I slept most of the day and was awake most of the night. I had chest pain and heaviness that felt like I was breathing with a 1000 pound weight on my chest. I didn't eat much and I think the combined effect of that plus emotional stress is what lead to my weight loss. I used to be committed to the gym 5 days a week and I completely stopped that as well. I shut everyone out of my life. I had seen rough times in my life but I never got to that point before so I knew I was really screwed up inside. Luckily I recovered from it. I am glad that you are aware of yourself and taking care to monitor your health.

 

As for guys posting pictures of their girlfriends up on social media..

 

Personally, I like to keep things that are closest to my heart off of social media which is my family or my love. I will however, tell my friends about them and eventually my family. Having said that, I am aware I am in a relationship and it's not just about me. It's about her and how she feels as well. So, I will still post a picture here and there online just to let other women know I'm off the market. Why? Because I want to her to feel comfortable and secure with me. Also, I know I would want her to do the same.

 

Stay strong.

Edited January 18, 2018 by Beachead

[maybejune]

 

As for guys posting pictures of their girlfriends up on social media..

 

Personally, I like to keep things that are closest to my heart off of social media which is my family or my love. I will however, tell my friends about them and eventually my family. Having said that, I am aware I am in a relationship and it's not just about me. It's about her and how she feels as well. So, I will still post a picture here and there online just to let other women know I'm off the market. Why? Because I want to her to feel comfortable and secure with me. Also, I know I would want her to do the same.

 

Stay strong.

 

Thank you for sharing. I got your point, yeah, social media plays the role of letting people know they are not single, etc. actually I don't really care much about social media, I am very low profile and rarely update anyway.

 

it's that we have no picture together, and I didn't have any pic of him, because he didn't allow it when I missed him and wanted to see his face, I had to go to his social media to see his pictures. His explanation was he didn't look good -- BS, I didn't expect to date a model. So every time I saw his smile face next to a girl on this FB ( pic taken before we met), it was painful to see those pics, that I turned off the FB, and eventually I removed FB app from my phone.

 

I know it doesn't make sense to think about what he did and why he did it. I want to know if I was overreacting about this, and I want to know next time if it is reasonable to let my partner know I want to have picture together and how to handle social media.

Edited January 18, 2018 by maybejune

[Beachead]

Thank you for sharing. I got your point, yeah, social media plays the role of letting people know they are not single, etc. actually I don't really care much about social media, I am very low profile and rarely update anyway.

 

it's that we have no picture together, and I didn't have any pic of him, because he didn't allow it when I missed him and wanted to see his face, I had to go to his social media to see his pictures. His explanation was he didn't look good -- BS, I didn't expect to date a model. So every time I saw his smile face next to a girl on this FB ( pic taken before we met), it was painful to see those pics, that I turned off the FB, and eventually I removed FB app from my phone.

 

I know it doesn't make sense to think about what he did and why he did it. I want to know if I was overreacting about this, and I want to know next time if it is reasonable to let my partner know I want to have picture together and how to handle social media.

 

Yea that is a problem and it would have bothered me as well. My previous ex never took a pic of us. I had nothing to remember her by. It's almost as if she didn't exist. He should have acknowledged your feelings and realized it was a big deal for you. The only reason he didn't do that was because his feelings weren't true. Someone who truly wishes to be with you will take your feelings seriously. You will feel loved and respected and you will continue to feel that way. They won't make you feel the way he did. You gave your best and he chose to leave despite that and no matter what, that was always going to be the outcome. Feel angry about it. Feel sad. Feel what you need to feel. It is a terrible feeling. But for what it's worth, I hope you find solace in knowing you did everything you were supposed to do so you have nothing to be regretful for. I would rather go to sleep knowing I gave it my all and lost this person instead of feeling like I didn't. For me, regret is far more powerful and can sustain guilt that we can blame nobody for but ourselves.

 

I'm not going to tell you, "Don't worry, the right guy will come along when the time is right." But I hope you continue to focus on yourself because it will get you back to being a healthier, stronger, version of you.

 

Let yourself grieve and process and heal and keep working on yourself. If you aren't doing these things already I do have some suggestions. Go to the gym or go for runs and just generally get active. Workouts will make your brain release positive chemicals that will make you feel good and cope with pain better. Also, take up things that you love. Things that get you out of bed in the morning and excited. It'll help rejuvenate your spirit and you'll meet people who share in your interests. And if you feel really broken up, sometimes changing your work/study routine can make a different. A new job, a new study program will shock you because of the change in schedule and will put your mind into focusing on adapting to that rather than focusing on the pain of this loss. You can do it all or pick and choose which applies to you. Typically I always think about bettering myself spiritually, intellectually, financially, physically etc. To always best myself and become better. The closer you make what you truly want out of this life into what your life actually is, the more at peace and happier you will feel in your heart and that positive healthy vibe will attract a lot of good, like minded people..potentially someone interesting. But when that day comes, you want to be ready and strong. So continue to work on yourself and do it for you. Nobody else.

 

Stay strong.

Edited January 18, 2018 by Beachead

[maybejune]

I read your comment in tears, because that's exactly how I felt neglected and sensed he may not want me to be in his life, not even a period of time.

 

Knowing he never wanted to have a committed relationship with me, does let me know where is no chance for us. But I still need to work on letting go.

 

I will do more exercise and stay strong.

 

Yea that is a problem and it would have bothered me as well. My previous ex never took a pic of us. I had nothing to remember her by. It's almost as if she didn't exist. He should have acknowledged your feelings and realized it was a big deal for you. The only reason he didn't do that was because his feelings weren't true. Someone who truly wishes to be with you will take your feelings seriously. You will feel loved and respected and you will continue to feel that way. They won't make you feel the way he did. You gave your best and he chose to leave despite that and no matter what, that was always going to be the outcome. Feel angry about it. Feel sad. Feel what you need to feel. It is a terrible feeling. But for what it's worth, I hope you find solace in knowing you did everything you were supposed to do so you have nothing to be regretful for. I would rather go to sleep knowing I gave it my all and lost this person instead of feeling like I didn't. For me, regret is far more powerful and can sustain guilt that we can blame nobody for but ourselves.

 

I'm not going to tell you, "Don't worry, the right guy will come along when the time is right." But I hope you continue to focus on yourself because it will get you back to being a healthier, stronger, version of you.

 

Let yourself grieve and process and heal and keep working on yourself. If you aren't doing these things already I do have some suggestions. Go to the gym or go for runs and just generally get active. Workouts will make your brain release positive chemicals that will make you feel good and cope with pain better. Also, take up things that you love. Things that get you out of bed in the morning and excited. It'll help rejuvenate your spirit and you'll meet people who share in your interests. And if you feel really broken up, sometimes changing your work/study routine can make a different. A new job, a new study program will shock you because of the change in schedule and will put your mind into focusing on adapting to that rather than focusing on the pain of this loss. You can do it all or pick and choose which applies to you. Typically I always think about bettering myself spiritually, intellectually, financially, physically etc. To always best myself and become better. The closer you make what you truly want out of this life into what your life actually is, the more at peace and happier you will feel in your heart and that positive healthy vibe will attract a lot of good, like minded people..potentially someone interesting. But when that day comes, you want to be ready and strong. So continue to work on yourself and do it for you. Nobody else.

 

Stay strong.

[Beachead]

I read your comment in tears, because that's exactly how I felt neglected and sensed he may not want me to be in his life, not even a period of time.

 

Knowing he never wanted to have a committed relationship with me, does let me know where is no chance for us. But I still need to work on letting go.

 

I will do more exercise and stay strong.

 

I know it hurts. Believe I've been through so much pain in my life as well but because I spent so much of my life overcoming adversity alone, I've learned how to get back up. It doesn't make it easier for me but the road to recovery has been mapped out for me now and so I simply follow it with confidence.

 

During this time, really try to be aware of your emotions. Notice when you get upset and what triggers it. Notice when you feel happy and the kind of things that triggered it. Keep a journal by you and write your thoughts everyday. Don't format it. Don't try to be gramtically correct. Just write and let your thoughts flow onto the paper. When you do this everyday, you will be surprised at what comes out of your head and the kinds of patterns it will reveal. This information will really be of use to you because you will learn about yourself. For example: The way you grieve and heal and process things. Flaws and strengths. Things that truly bother you that you didn't realize that may not even have anything to do with this guy or things that make you happy. Stuff like that.

 

Also, write out one thing you are grateful for everyday. For me, I am grateful for my family or I am grateful that I learned piano. It gave me the opportunity to pass my knowledge down to kids and watch them become awesome and that makes me feel better. Do it everyday. As time goes on, you may even be grateful for more than one thing...maybe two or 3. If you get to that point..write them down.

 

You're going to be fine OP. Healing is slow. It is also a process. You can't force yourself to just stop thinking or move on. You have to let yourself feel it all but not allow yourself to become consumed by it. Do that by exercise, journal, meditation, doing things you love whatever it is (Painting, Guitar, Cleaning, a sport etc.).

 

He wouldn't have made a good partner for you but just because this didn't work out, doesn't mean it'll keep happening. You are clearly capable of attracting men so don't worry. The good news is as you grow and become a better version of yourself with time, you will become better at spotting and selecting men who are closer to what you want.

 

Much Love

[maybejune]

Thank you, Beachead! I benefit from your wisdom a lot. Hope you can have a peaceful mind today to overcome the flashback.

 

I have gone to gym three times this week, my body has become stronger than last couples of weeks due to sickness. I am amazed how quickly my body can recover physically: I was giving up last week, but this week, I can finish gym classes.

 

I always think he is special, maybe it's all my illusion, because I wanted him to be special. Maybe he is not special at all: he was very nice at the beginning but only in order to keep me, and all he had done was merely keeping me around as a companion for his bored time.

 

I find after crying (sometimes short, sometimes long), I don't feel as bad as before, it temporarily reliefs my anxiety and sadness. I will let myself cry.

 

I will come back and read my thoughts, and keep minding myself (sometimes it doesn't work): he is not special, he is just one of those random person I happened to talk to. I will meet my Mr. Right.

[Beachead]

Thank you, Beachead! I benefit from your wisdom a lot. Hope you can have a peaceful mind today to overcome the flashback.

 

I have gone to gym three times this week, my body has become stronger than last couples of weeks due to sickness. I am amazed how quickly my body can recover physically: I was giving up last week, but this week, I can finish gym classes.

 

I always think he is special, maybe it's all my illusion, because I wanted him to be special. Maybe he is not special at all: he was very nice at the beginning but only in order to keep me, and all he had done was merely keeping me around as a companion for his bored time.

 

I find after crying (sometimes short, sometimes long), I don't feel as bad as before, it temporarily reliefs my anxiety and sadness. I will let myself cry.

 

I will come back and read my thoughts, and keep minding myself (sometimes it doesn't work): he is not special, he is just one of those random person I happened to talk to. I will meet my Mr. Right.

 

Thank you OP. I'm just taking it one day at time. It's been okay the past 2-3 days.

 

I like the fact that you are continuing to take care of yourself. I've read some of your responses on other threads and I know you are doing just that. Continue to allow yourself to freely feel these emotions and don't let them consume you. Keep taking care of yourself. When you get to a point where you can't take it anymore..cry it out. If you want to be alone for awhile, be alone. If you want to go out and be amongst company..make it happen. Do what you want and treat yourself well.

 

With time you'll figure it all out and if you don't, you'll know what you need to do next. Trust in the process and you will be okay.

[maybejune]

I know my emotions will pass, not matter how sad I am now, I will be okay later -- I really gain some confidence, some hope. So I accept what I have now.

 

However, I am probably not doing well in not letting them consume me...

 

Recently, I become more clear that he never truly liked me. The relationship was all about him. He met me only when it was convenient for him, and he said hurtful things to me.

 

There is a quote I read:

if I treated you the way you treated me, you'd hate me.

 

A few of you guys here had told me my relationship with him never had a chance to work, and I found there is a book

 

He’s Not That Interested, He’s Just Passing Time

 

I haven't read it yet. But as the title indicates, there are those people out there who use people. I knew there are couples they stay with each other because of loneliness, which would be consensual. I never thought they can be so heartless and selfish, and keep their partners blindsided. I don't know if I am feeling angry to him or disappointed that I have been so stupid.

[Soak]

Thank you for this thread everyone. I am going through something similiar.

 

I think it is the realisation that we gave our hearts and trusted, when all along they were just strnging us along (aka, using us) that is the most difficult thing to get over. I am at shock and disbelief that i allowed myself to be treated this way, and am at odds as to why i submitted to this person and wrongfully trusted them.

 

One thing that i will say though is that my Ms. Nowhere (it was a same sex r/sip) pursued me relentlessly in the beginning, using charm and all the tactics, and it is only now, in hindsight, that i can see i was a good option back then, but then was discarded when she met a group of people and had better 'options'. My gosh, it actually pains me to write that and realise how foolish i was in trusting my feelings for this person.

 

Anyway, i think one of the ways forward is to look at the steps, observe any red flags you had, and how you could have handled it back then, knowing what you know now. Stepping back and letting time tell is another thing. If it moves too fast at the beginning, it may be unnatural and perhaps they are running away from things, and running towards you.

 

I know that my life was not complete when i met this person and it still isn't. I hate my life to be honest, though i do value and appreciate life itself, i dispise what my life has become: lonely, desperate, lack of direction, no conviction, no sense of purpose (this kills me), hate my job and don't feel like i fit in where i live. I am currently reading a book on how to change my life, and i am not even sure where to start.

 

Where do you start??

 

Anyhow, i'd just like to say, look at it from both angles: did you protect yourself in the beginning? Did you make it hard for him to 'get' you?

 

And also, have a look at your life now. Are you 100% happy with it? How and what steps do you think you could take to change it?

 

I hope all is going well. Sending love and wishes out to the Universe for anybody reading this

Edited February 5, 2018 by Soak

[maybejune]

I thought he would treat me differently from how my horrible 'friends' had , which he had differently, only worse. My bitch 'friend' would match him perfectly.

[Beachead]

What happened OP?

[Realitysux]

I thought he would treat me differently from how my horrible 'friends' had , which he had differently, only worse. My bitch 'friend' would match him perfectly.

 

You don't say much about how he treated you, how he left you, etc.but I do resignate with being ghosted and it hurts. In my case, his friends told me some pretty harsh truths as to why he left me. It hurt as it would even if he said it but it probably should have come from him.

 

I struggle with some of what has transpired but you move on day by day and hope to one day look back at this person with no pain. At this point, I wouldn't want this person back in my life so I have reached a hurdle. You will too.

[maybejune]

You don't say much about how he treated you, how he left you, etc.but I do resignate with being ghosted and it hurts. In my case, his friends told me some pretty harsh truths as to why he left me. It hurt as it would even if he said it but it probably should have come from him.

 

I struggle with some of what has transpired but you move on day by day and hope to one day look back at this person with no pain. At this point, I wouldn't want this person back in my life so I have reached a hurdle. You will too.

 

I didn't say much about the detail... It was not like physical, but emotional abuse, neglects. It took me long to understand he probably never truly liked me, it was probably just lust and companionship.

 

I have been thinking why I let him do that, and why I stayed with him. I always wanted to be independent and strong enough to handle my difficulties, I am afraid to let people know my weakness and afraid to ask for help. But actually I am craving for love, for support, for deep connection. My family doesn't actually care if I am happy, they only want me to be successful and never tell them my troubles, my stress, my complain. His parents were similar or even worse, they haven't showed him affection since he was young. -- part of me wanted to 'rescue ' him and give him a lot of love and care.

 

When I met him and started the relationship, I thought he may understand, he showed great affection and showered me with romantic gestures. I held onto those little affection he gave me and wouldn't let go.

 

I still have difficulty with stopping missing him, that's all the love I had, no matter how little it was. I never told anyone including him, but I am desperately wanting love and hope to have my own family. I am living along and lonely, I want to be with someone. -- This is such a dangerous state of mind to start any relationship.

[Realitysux]

I didn't say much about the detail... It was not like physical, but emotional abuse, neglects. It took me long to understand he probably never truly liked me, it was probably just lust and companionship.

 

I have been thinking why I let him do that, and why I stayed with him. I always wanted to be independent and strong enough to handle my difficulties, I am afraid to let people know my weakness and afraid to ask for help. But actually I am craving for love, for support, for deep connection. My family doesn't actually care if I am happy, they only want me to be successful and never tell them my troubles, my stress, my complain. His parents were similar or even worse, they haven't showed him affection since he was young. -- part of me wanted to 'rescue ' him and give him a lot of love and care.

 

When I met him and started the relationship, I thought he may understand, he showed great affection and showered me with romantic gestures. I held onto those little affection he gave me and wouldn't let go.

 

I still have difficulty with stopping missing him, that's all the love I had, no matter how little it was. I never told anyone including him, but I am desperately wanting love and hope to have my own family. I am living along and lonely, I want to be with someone. -- This is such a dangerous state of mind to start any relationship.

 

 

How long have you been alone for? I am not a therapist but you might be afraid to be alone. If you were lonely less the fear, or if your priorities aligned with your values which say might be family, then you would be out there trying to start one. Have you ever thought about your core values?

 

We all have core values and sometimes we don't know what they are. Your core value can't be him. There has to be more you want and maybe he represents something in your core values or it could be a safety net. He made you feel safe and now that's gone and you want it back or .... I could be way off.

 

I am afraid to be alone but I am alone so I take it one day at a time. I don't worry about next week, or next month, or next year anymore. I worry about what I have to do today then I do it. I bought a calendar and if something is on tomorrow's to do list, I leave it. When I am alone and worried, I breath, pray, and cross that bridge when I get there.

 

That's how you live your life. You cross bridges when you get there.. I don't even think about the guy anymore, in down times, when I am seeking comfort, I look online And read posts by different people in different forums. You should find something that works for you. He doesn't seem worth it since he allowed you to suffer so much. When you love someone and they suffer, you feel terrible.