My mother died yesterday

[gone_girl]

todreaminblue!! I agree with all my heart, with everything you say.

 

I also came to this realisation when deceased loved ones visited me in dreams. My grandfather right after he died. My dad 10 and 20 years after he died. It may sound ridiculous but I knew it was them and not just a random dream. I felt their presence, their warmth and love radiating from their eyes. I'm lucky that they managed to find a hole in my subconscious and squeeze through for some seconds. It must not be easy for them to come to us, no matter how much they love us... And I have more stories, of deceased people appearing to random people and having them deliver messages to their loved ones, about things the random people couldn't have known.

[Popsicle]

Oh man, I'm so sorry Solemate! You have my deepest condolences.

[basil67]

So sorry to hear Sole Mate. My thoughts are with you xx

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm so sorry to read of the loss of your mother, Solemate! Sending hugs and prayers for you! I am sharing this prophecy of the coming of Jesus and the resurrection from the dead found in the Bible with you as you can see scripture tells us to encourage each other with them.

 

"The disciples came to Him privately. 'Tell us,' they said, "when will this happen and what will be the sign of your coming and of the end of the age?"

 

"Jesus answered, 'Watch out that no one deceives you...For as the lightening comes from the east and flashes to the west so will be the coming of the Son of Man.'" Matthew 24:27

 

"Look! He is coming with the clouds, and every eye will see Him." Revelation 1:7

 

"For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that we who are still alive and are left will be caught up with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage each other with these words." 1 Thessalonians 4:14

 

"Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed - in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed."1 Corinthians 15:51

Edited January 14, 2018 by LivingWaterPlease

[Cookiesandough]

I'm so sorry, Sole Mate

[Fair]

My condolences. I know how much it hurts. I lost my dad and sister last year, my mom in 2011. It's not easy... big hugs.

[Miss Clavel]

you are a very lucky woman. there was peace between you.

 

it was the same for my mother and i. damn, it's been 10 years, she passed during the holiday season

 

i still don't know the exact date she died and im glad. i can't take that pain on a set date every year.

 

the hours after her death i lay on the floor of my new place(no funiture had arrived) and thought my heart was going to stop. i didn't think i could endure the waves of pain. one after the other, rising, falling over and over. the rhythm almost like my first labor. slow, building, griping, falling a bit, bit more, starting to build again.

 

after that you feel the "snip". one less string/connection holding you to the earth and the realization, your place in line has moved up by one.

 

 

 

 

i think about her everyday. she really wasn't even a good mother when i was little. hell, i mother her other children, for years.

 

but she was mine.

[SoleMate]

Thank you everyone for your caring and thought. They have helped.

[Gaeta]

I am so sorry, my heart goes to you Sole, my sincere sympathy.

[alphamale]

Thank you everyone for your caring and thought. They have helped.

 

how are you holding up SM?

[amaysngrace]

I'm so sorry for your loss SM

 

I hope you'll take good care of yourself, it's a very difficult transition

 

Hugs and prayers XO

[SoleMate]

Thanks everyone for all the comforting thoughts and kind wishes. I am relying on them more than you can know.

 

As to how I’m doing, ups and downs. Sleeping through the night, mostly. Realizing as I wake up that this loss is real and forever on this earth. Hoping so much that the moment of death was quick and easy. Feeling guilty I couldn’t have saved her somehow and that I did not realize the danger she was in - with her lung disease and this winter’s brutal flu season.

 

I feel I have a thousand tears to cry out painfully and I’m doing that on a daily basis. Of course my intellect can create soothing rationalizations or fantasies that help ease some particularly grinding thought and it works for a while. Then the pain comes back, again.

 

Some people know the right things to say and some do not. I’m at 3 weeks out, it rarely sounds right to be urged to look at the bright side. Others who mourn with me may have that right but friends do not. Not at the moment. It feels like they’re urging me away from the grief that is uncomfortable for them.

 

Thank you again, caring LSers. Thank you for the gift of your sympathy. It’s my meat and drink right now.

[BaileyB]

I'm so sorry.

 

It's still so early. You will feel sad for a very, very long time... And that's ok. Though you must put one foot in front of the other and do what you must do to get through the day, you need not pressure yourself to look at the bright side or move on...

 

No, most people don't know what to say... Although, they generally mean well. It's hard to know what to say, particularly if you haven't experienced loss...

 

It's been six years for me, and I still have "sad days." But, I also remember my mother with a smile most days. I see her in the things that I say, and the things that I do. I think of her every day and I talk to her often.

 

Sending you hugs.

[Gr8fuln2020]

My heart goes out to you.

[skywriter]

SoleMate,

 

Just a hello and you are in my thoughts message. (((Hugs)))

 

Hope your day goes well.

[SoleMate]

Hard evening tonight. The cremation of her body is scheduled for tomorrow. We all decided this together but it feels so painful to think that even what is left of her on Earth will be reduced to just a small container of bone fragments. She was a larger than life type of person. Never quiet. Never reserved. Full of life. I just don’t understand how it can all be over. This hurts so bad.

 

I’m revising my own estate plan and am also going to put together some last instructions. Although I am extremely healthy and plan to live 30-40 more years, still I’d like to know that my 2 daughters can have a plan to go by and perhaps have a slightly easier time with minimal decisions. As I found, we all became quite brainless and wandering vacantly. Unable to focus.

[BaileyB]

Solemate, I hope you found the strength to get through the day yesterday. Best wishes.

[GorillaTheater]

I’m revising my own estate plan and am also going to put together some last instructions. Although I am extremely healthy and plan to live 30-40 more years, still I’d like to know that my 2 daughters can have a plan to go by and perhaps have a slightly easier time with minimal decisions. As I found, we all became quite brainless and wandering vacantly. Unable to focus.

 

 

It's a good idea. I've told my family that I want to be cremated as well, and my ashes scattered in the Chisos Basin in West Texas. I might get blown around a bit, but I'd like to think of myself being part of the mountains and canyons there. Is there a place that your mom similarly loved?

[SoleMate]

GT, my mom was the exact opposite of an outdoorsy person. At no time did I ever hear her allude to the beauty of a natural place. For unknown reasons, such things had no effect on her. (Perhaps growing up on a farm made her appreciate the city and its built environment more than most.) We all agreed with no discussion that if we were to scatter her remains, it would have to be at a shopping center, restaurant or casino, or better yet, one of the shopping centers that incorporates a casino! Also, scattering remains is illegal (although it's clear the law is widely ignored). I want a place to remember her. Our family has moved around a bit, and the departed extended family is in 4 cemeteries in 3 states. We've selected one of them as the best choice and will be burying her remains there. Thank you for asking.

[SoleMate]

Thanks Bailey. It started out hard - REALLY hard - with me going over and over painful thoughts and regrets. I wasn't driving my best on the way in to work as I was distracted mentally and my eyes were fogged with tears. Yet mid-morning, much to my surprise, I got very busy at work with some plans for an important and exciting meeting and I completely forgot for much of the day what was happening. Such is the way of my human brain. Thank goodness.

 

EDIT - I could be mistaken about legality of scattering remains. My apologies to GT as no criticism is intended. Texas mountains would be a great place, I am sure.

Edited February 8, 2018 by SoleMate

[GorillaTheater]

No offense taken at all, Sole.

[NotASkunk]

My condolences, SoleMate. There is a very unique and deep pain when losing a parent.

 

I recently experienced my own mothers passing and it hit me in very deep and hard emotional waves. We had a relationship that was less than ideal throughout our lives. Toward the end we were friends and were at peace with each other. Even though we had issues that never were resolved, I loved her and grew to respect her as time went by.

 

After she passed I thought I was OK for the first two days. She died from breast cancer and it was not unexpected. She was 92. On the third the funeral home called me to discuss what to do with her ashes. That was when it really hit me. I went through a very difficult emotional crisis. I wasn’t expecting that but it was a big breakthrough for me. Ultimately, I realized that my mothers death was not about me, not about our relationship. I realize that I was the one that would honor her life. My first reaction was to ask them to send the ashes to my cousin because I really was not ready to except the visceral reality of receiving something like that. But then I put on my big girl pants. Nobody was going to pick up the pieces for me, I was going to be the one to give her the respect that she deserved. For me, ultimately that gave me the ability to accept what was.

 

She had a very difficult life and she was a survivor and did everything in her power to make things work out for herself and her situation. Her husband died leaving her with two young children to provide for. Her life was very difficult and most likely very terrifying for her most of the time. It wasn’t until after she died that I came to understand what a courageous woman she was and how much her life mattered. I decided that I would honor her by scattering her ashes in a very beautiful place where she deserved to be. A place of peace and calm. Something she probably never experienced in her adult life. I had to do it in my own time, and in fact I still have her ashes. I know where I will be scattering them but it has to be the right time.

 

Once I came to the realize that her life was worth honoring and that she raised me and my brother with all of the courage and ability that she had with in her I felt at peace. I just wanted to share my experience with you and let you know that I totally get how difficult this transition in life is. No matter what your relationship with your parents, they are a huge part of your life. When they are no longer there there is a big gaping hole and there is no denying that. You have to take the time necessary to deal with your feelings and resolve them. I wish you peace and all the best. Thank you for sharing your feelings here, it helped me to read them. All the best to you.

[SoleMate]

Thank you too, NotASkunk, for your reflections as I found them helpful. Like you and so many others I've spoken to who are dealing with this loss, it is a complex relationship that evokes a range of feelings. As intensely as many of us love our mothers, still we may feel resentment or unresolved anger. To have been at peace with your mother when she died....I'm happy to hear that.

[CatMinx]

I'm so very sorry.