Found out Dad I was interested in is married?!

[JJacobs]

Thank you, igotoverit! I keep going back and forth between shame and excitement, but sometimes I’m not very good at holding back my interest.... There are still 11 days/7 weeks to go, so I’m giving myself time to figure this out. Thank you for being so honest about your opinion!

[JJacobs]

Cautiously- Just saw your message.

 

No, I’ve never posted my photo anywhere! You never know what kind of crazies are out there.

[JJacobs]

IGotoverit- It takes a lot of courage to admit what you just did, props to you... I think people have a very idealized version of right and wrong. Life is not black and white! I wish it were.

 

And for the record, I do not want this woman’s husband for myself! I am very attracted to him, but I don’t think I’ve given him any indication of how I feel. IF he is thinking about me with second intentions, which no one knows, he probably isn’t sure of my interest. I think, right now, it’s at the wondering stage... He wonders if my prompt emails suggest more. He wonders if my nervousness when he stares at me, and I look away, means anything.

 

Unless he is very confident and has cheated on his wife multiple times, he doesn’t have any proof of how I feel. All he knows is that I match his actions. Who knows if he’s perceptive enough to pick up on that.

 

And, the worst that happens is that it’s a one-night stand and we both move on. But I honestly don’t know if I could handle that emotionally, I’ve never had casual sex. I’m in the middle of what feels like a thick fog and my desire for him keeps moving me forward.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

That's not a charactor trait, that's an imature view on love. Why should someone spend their one and only life in a marriage they aren't satisfied with and I'm sorry but after reading through this forum, marriage is not for me! I am not going through a marriage if this is how partners think. It's not realistic and what people from my experience, believe when they are younger until they get married.

 

People have every right to just not get married if they feel that way. But marriage comes with certain "conditions" and fidelity is one of them. Forsaking all others and all that.

[WorldInMyEyes]

JJ, what kind of reaction do you have when you see a new email from b-dad? Even if you know it's only going to be about a basketball game or whatever?

 

Does your heart skip a beat?

[JJacobs]

JJ, what kind of reaction do you have when you see a new email from b-dad? Even if you know it's only going to be about a basketball game or whatever?

 

Does your heart skip a beat?

 

 

 

Yes, my heart skips a beat in the worst possible way. That’s why I wanted to email him, it had been so long since that “charge”. We were going back and forth pretty quickly, and this feeling of euphoria came over me because I knew that, at that moment, he was thinking of me.

 

That’s why I emailed - I wanted him to think of me. Even if briefly... I believe that’s one way of gauging if he’s really attracted when he sees me in person. I was also able to see if he would treat me differently because of the flirting... Everything he did was positive.

 

I have a very emotional reaction to this man. I genuinely like him. Of course, all the sexual fantasies are there, but I respond to him in a more emotional way... This would probably spell problem for me, but not for him, since he’s the one who’s married...

[William]

Folks, from here forward let's assume that the OP is aware that the man she has found herself interested in is married and is also aware of the negative view many posters have on that fact.

 

This is the situation that has brought the OP to Loveshack. If you have advice to offer I'm sure she'd appreciate it. If you are looking to debate the morality of affairs, we have countless threads discussing that topic but this is not one of them. ~T

[JJacobs]

Thank you, William! You’ve put it a lot more eloquently than I could - I had been trying to build a post in my head to bring this thread back to what my initial issues were - is he attracted, how do I handle my own attraction in view of his marital status, etc.. So thank you for doing that for me. I’m pleasantly surprised by the amount of oversight on LoveShack.

 

Now, since my email convo with him yesterday I’ve been going back and forth on where he is on the attraction scale... We haven’t discussed more than “business” other than his trying to make me feel better with his “it can be a full time job” comment ( this also makes me hope he knew I’m a stay at home mom and he could only know that from my Facebook!), but I know he’s super busy and the speed of his responses are making me hope it’s a good barometer of his interest...

 

But I guess I’ll have to wait until tomorrow. Game days are notoriously difficult because not only is his wife there, but he’s on the other side of the court and engrossed in the game so no time for flirting It may be just my infatuation speaking, but I’m very encouraged that his reaction has been positive. I’m trying to be objective, though...

[WorldInMyEyes]

Yes, thank you William. This thread seems to be over-represented by those who unfortunately had bad experiences with affairs and are looking to shame OP when she hasn't done anything wrong. That's not why she came here.

 

JJ, if you're still wondering if your feelings for b-dad are reciprocal, don't. You're on his mind all of the time and it's not voluntary on his part. The problem for him is that he doesn't want to screw anything up by being too forward. From his perspective, the potential exists that your mutual attraction/flirtation will end if he "makes a move" and you reject him.

 

He's experiencing something amazing with you right now and what man would want to risk ending that by doing something stupid?

[JJacobs]

Oh my goodness, World... I think you’re actually right. I read your comment this morning but didn’t have time to reply. You give me so much hope, and after today and the way he acted, I think you’re on to something!

 

So this past Thursday was when he sent that reminder to the whole team about the new game time after I emailed him about it. Only two days ago. This morning, at 9:00 am, the time he and I email pretty frequently, he sends another email to the group reminding us the game time. I usually reply to all of his emails, even with just a one liner, but I didn’t reply to the one this morning.

 

I had already told him I’d be at two different games so I wanted him to think I didn’t see it. I thought it might be overkill if I replied with something like “Looking forward to it, thanks!”. So I didn’t...

 

So I got there and walked into the court. The first person I see standing off to the left of the door? His wife. She looks at me curiously and sort of warmly. Since there were other people around her, and she and I haven’t been introduced, I quickly look away and stand with the other parents, I’m the last one ”in line” waiting for the previous game’s parents to leave the bleachers.

 

I see him directly across the court from me, talking to another coach. He is looking at me. I enjoy the gaze, then look for my son who has joined him.

 

Then he makes his way to where we are standing, and walks right towards me to put a ball away. He approaches slowly... I’m sort of looking at him out of the corner of my eye but not directly - he says “Hey...” in a very low voice, as if he wanted me to be the only one who hears it. His wife is still standing two people away from me.... I said “Hi” softly and some idiot had poked me in the arm, so I looked at him.

 

We sat on the bleachers, the court door to my left, his wife to my right at a bit of a distance. He and his team were directly across from us. At the end of the second quarter, I went to the ladies’ room and when I returned, I walked through the door and looked directly at him. He was looking at me already! They were having a time out but he stopped talking and looked at me. I turned to return to my seat.... His wife was looking at me as well. I don’t know if it’s because she’s watching us, or because it was just a person who walked through the door...

 

Game ends, he’s taking a long time leaving, so I make an excuse to my son and we go back to the outside of the court, by the door. I’m looking at a schedule on the wall, when I hear “Good game today?”.... It was him!! He was holding the door open and no sign of his wife! He’s smiling at me and I say that yes, it was. (Our team lost, but I wanted to agree with him ) He asked “You guys had already played today, right?” Then before I could answer, some bratty kid takes him by the arm and leads him somewhere else as he tries to talk!

 

I go back to my schedule. He walks past me and my son after a bit and we follow behind him. He’s complimenting my son on the game, asks if he will be there Tuesday... I’m silent. I was afraid his wife might be behind me. He stops walking so I pass in front of him. I assume he was waiting for his wife. I should have said something. I froze having him so close.

 

My son and I sit down at the restaurant by the exit and the two of them walk past us. His wife had never acknowledged me, but she smiles and says goodbye, I do the same. I glanced at him quickly enough to see him smiling and looking at me, but I was trying very hard not to give my interest away...

 

I’m glad his wife is acting like this! It doesn’t bother me in the least. It’s actually a good sign. It’s his willingness to talk but only when she’s not around, and the way he’s looked at me even when she’s there, that makes me think his interest is at least lasting...

 

I have a plan to text him in a couple of weeks, but don’t know if I’ll have the nerve. It depends on how interested he acts.

 

I’m happy because I did not expect him to act in any way during a game, because of the time constraints and his wife.... Still trying to read this situation. Is he just getting bolder? The way he acted today is how he acts during practices, not games...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I know this is off topic, but there's a restaurant IN the gym? Or is the gym in a strip mall or something?

[JJacobs]

Haha! I used to wonder the same thing! There’s a healthy restaurant in the gym, right by the exit.

 

And thank you for reading that book, my posts are so long these days

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Haha! I used to wonder the same thing! There’s a healthy restaurant in the gym, right by the exit.

 

And thank you for reading that book, my posts are so long these days

 

Oh, how cool.

[healing light]

You deserve so much better than some guy that has to sneak around his wife to give you furtive glances and one-liners that you analyze to death later.

[treehugger12]

JJ, I’ve been following your thread, you seem to be obscessed with married B-Dad, you kinda sound like me with my mm so I totally get it when your crushing heavy on a guy and your in the fog. The only difference between us is that I am married and I had a short fling with mm last year. I too was crushing on him before things got heated with sexting. 7 months later and I’m not over him and see him frequently. I want to tell you how painful it can be, I don’t want to see this happen to you because I know your crushing on him but if things move forward between you two, you will be even more emotionally involved. Your heart will ache for him even more if you have physical contact with him. I’m worried for you because I’m in your shoes. I’ve been crying today over my mm man, my heart aching. I don’t want this to happen to you. This is why I come to this website because it helps me so much. You seem to be a smart, intelligent and a beautiful women. Please, please take it from me and turn your head and don’t get involved with this married man, it will turn your world upside down. I’m seriously praying for you and thinking about you and I will be checking in on your thread. Best wishes to you

[No_Go]

You deserve so much better than some guy that has to sneak around his wife to give you furtive glances and one-liners that you analyze to death later.

 

I think it is easy to underestimate how enjoyable such innocent sneaky flirts can be. She's not crossing a line, just living a dream. Why not, why materializing the dream into prose?

[WorldInMyEyes]

You deserve so much better than some guy that has to sneak around his wife to give you furtive glances and one-liners that you analyze to death later.

OK, but the problem is the near impossibility of finding someone else who deserves her back.

 

OP is obviously highly intelligent based on her writing style and analytical thought process. She's also on the extreme end of the physical attractiveness spectrum. Do you know how rare it is to meet someone with that combination of qualities? Compounding all of that is that she appears to be (I'm only guessing here) introverted, which makes it even harder to naturally meet people.

 

But, "there are millions of available guys out there she could be with". LOL, of course there are. And she'd be miserable with them. They wouldn't deserve her and she would know it.

 

In terms of physical/intellectual/emotional attractiveness, OP is a 10/10/10 or 9/9/9 or some combination thereof. You think she'd be happy with an 8/5/5 guy or whatever? That guy sure would be happy though, I can guarantee that.

 

The dating pool is huge for average looking/average intellect type of people. For OP, finding someone else like her is like catching lightning in a bottle.

 

JJ, I see a lot of posts here warning you to "get over" b-dad because it might end up in a bad situation. Know what a worse situation would be? Settling for an average dude who you would be miserable with but is ostensibly more attractive because he's "available". Forget that.

 

Have you tried moving your emails to him away from the basketball talk and closer towards the more personal/intimate?

[JJacobs]

You deserve so much better than some guy that has to sneak around his wife to give you furtive glances and one-liners that you analyze to death later.

 

This is the only the beginning... It doesn’t mean it will always be like this. And I disagree that I’m analyzing it to death - I process things by writing about them, instead of talking to someone! I am simply recounting what happened.

[JJacobs]

JJ, I’ve been following your thread, you seem to be obscessed with married B-Dad, you kinda sound like me with my mm so I totally get it when your crushing heavy on a guy and your in the fog. The only difference between us is that I am married and I had a short fling with mm last year. I’m seriously praying for you and thinking about you and I will be checking in on your thread. Best wishes to you

 

Thank you, dear! I appreciate your concern. This has become a big deal to me because I am almost never attracted to anyone... I haven’t met anyone with his combination of qualities in a very long time! It’s almost unheard of. I wish I could explain it in words, it’s a very peculiar quality he has... He’s a Sales guy so I’m sure he has been successful because of it. But you’d have to meet him to know what I mean. Right now, I’m weary of holding myself back because I might suffer for it. I can take the suffering.

 

I hope your situation normalizes!!

[JJacobs]

Have you tried moving your emails to him away from the basketball talk and closer towards the more personal/intimate?

 

 

World, you got it exactly right: I am introverted - with him only!! I’m actually angry with myself. I said exactly 3 words to him yesterday. My brain just stops functioning as soon as that man enters my field of vision!! I don’t know what else to do. I feel like the clock is ticking and I’m in a race against time.

 

You, again, described my situation expertly and accurately. (And thank you for the compliments! ) I think most people fail to understand that being on the extreme side of anything, be it looks or intellect or money, has a downside. This is it. Average is easy. Try being above average and finding someone to match! I’m not talking about someone to watch Netflix with on a Friday night. I’m talking about someone who fulfills you sexually, emotionally, intellectually and romantically. Most people can’t even make it past the physical hurdle (physical attraction to them doesn’t exist), let alone past the other ones!

 

I’ve been in an unsatisfying relationship before. Never again!

 

To answer your question, I have not tried anything daring in the emails. The most personal thing I’ve written is that I’m a stay at home mom and knew what he meant! Lame, I know.

 

But... I have a plan.

 

I was going to email him tomorrow morning during our usual time, because that’s when he appears to be free, saying I was having email issues and hadn’t gotten his Saturday message to the group until then. Well, so what? We’d just go back and forth for a little bit and that would be it.

 

So I’ve decided to train myself to be more comfortable around him. I’m going to talk to him after practice and tell him I need a favor, if he can resend emails if he doesn’t hear from me, because if I haven’t replied, it’s because I haven’t gotten it. Maybe he’ll suggest texting, or at the very least I’ll have a few moments of frontal exposure and we can be close. I can stare at his face without looking like a perv. Maybe I’ll lighten up as we talk.

 

Next week, when my son has another game immediately before basketball dad’s, I thought I’d text him to let him know we might be late and that I’m only texting because I’ve been locked out of my email account and didn’t want to tell him at the last minute... That way he will have my number.

 

I cannot tell you the amount of anxiety I experience just writing about these things!! What if this man turns me down?? Or ignores me? My head is spinning whenever I think about being more active in this. I’m 36 years old and I’ve never pursued a man. There are women who do it every day - how?! This is excruciating.

 

Because I care.... That’s why it’s so difficult. I’m terrified of making a wrong move. I’m terrified of not being wanted for the first time, and by someone I see real potential with.

 

I’ve also posted a song on Facebook about being silently interested in someone, and a meme about shy people problems. That way he knows I’m not indifferent, just shy. I’m almost sure he checks my Facebook- but we’re not friends. I’ve noticed his behavior becoming a lot more open since I’ve posted songs about this topic, and I also liked a page about basketball coaching... Hints, people!

 

One thing I do know is that I need to be myself around him! I’m funny and caring and nurturing with everyone else - he’s around and I clam up. I’ve never felt this emotional over anyone. He turns me upside down and he doesn’t even know how I feel...

[treehugger12]

Thank you, dear! I appreciate your concern. This has become a big deal to me because I am almost never attracted to anyone... I haven’t met anyone with his combination of qualities in a very long time! It’s almost unheard of. I wish I could explain it in words, it’s a very peculiar quality he has... He’s a Sales guy so I’m sure he has been successful because of it. But you’d have to meet him to know what I mean. Right now, I’m weary of holding myself back because I might suffer for it. I can take the suffering.

 

I hope your situation normalizes!!

 

I too am never attracted to any other men, in fact it’s been over over 25 years since I’ve been attracted to another guy, I too am an attractive gal, in fact I used to model as well. I understand that, I am crazy attracted to my MM, which makes it hard to say no if your mm starts sexting you, are you going to be able to control yourself and not touch him?? I get you don’t seeing how your already addicted to him. Once you have that intimate connection with him, it’s harder to get over the addiction of him. I don’t want to see you hurting over a guy you can’t have, I know it’s all fun and exciting and you think it is all innocent because you haven’t “done” anything “yet” I totally get it. Your in the fog, he’s not yours to play with. Your already addicted to him. Ughhh...

 

My situation is going to get better, I had my chance again with my MM and I am passing it up because I know better, I’ve learned my lesson and need to go NC.

[JJacobs]

If anyone is still reading this thread, I’ll continue to post because it helps me to process everything!

 

So, last night was practice... He and I continue to play cat and mouse. But I definitely feel the effects of my apparent lack of interest last Saturday at the game, when he kept approaching me and I was too nervous to be anything other than nonchalant - he was a bit more subdued yesterday.

 

He got there almost on time for practice, different because he’s always early like me. He just said “Hi how are you?” and started shooting hoops with the boys. I felt deflated, he usually tries to talk.

 

During practice, there was the usual attention from him, the glances, paying attention to what I did, smiling. I’m used to this, so nothing out of the ordinary.

 

At the end, he came close to where I was and I heard him tell another parent the game time this weekend. That parent walked away, he told me the same. I looked at him and said “Got it. And just so you know, if you email us this week, I may not get it. The email you sent on Saturday morning, I didn’t get it until yesterday afternoon!”. He said “Yes, I’ll probably send an email at some point...”. I said “Good, I’m having issues with my email account so if I don’t reply, it’s because I didn’t get it...” He smiled and said something else I don’t remember. It was so rushed and I felt pressured to talk fast, there were so many people around us.... My son wanted to go get a sandwich so I just packed everything up and left - he had his back to me.

 

Again my son and I were sitting in the restaurant... I was sitting facing the exit and he walked by. I was already feeling rejected by his having his back to us when we left, so I decided not to look at him.

 

Then I hear him say “He always gets a sub, doesn’t he?”. I look up, smile, and say “He has dinner before coming here, then a sub!” (Wanted him to know I feed my child ) He was walking as he said it, then he just said goodbye with a “Have a good night!” and I did the same...

 

But then last night, after practice, he went to my LinkedIn... I assume Facebook as well, since his profile was the first showing even before his wife’s (hers had been first for a couple of weeks), and it changed last night! (Facebook DOES show who views your profile, you just need to know the trick.) On Facebook, I had posted The Pretenders’ “Don’t get me wrong”, which is exactly how I feel when I see him! I hope he makes the connection. I changed it to another song this morning.

 

So, the social media visits show me that there’s at least some interest... I just don’t know how to psych myself up to show him mine any more than I have.

[WorldInMyEyes]

So, last night was practice... He and I continue to play cat and mouse. But I definitely feel the effects of my apparent lack of interest last Saturday at the game, when he kept approaching me and I was too nervous to be anything other than nonchalant - he was a bit more subdued yesterday.

You have to remember that he's a man, and we tend to react to things in a more straightforward fashion than you ladies do. What I mean by that is, what you might consider a "move in the game", to him might feel like actual rejection. Remember your "strategic withdrawal"? To b-dad it probably just felt like withdrawal because you weren't interested.

 

Feigning interest seems to be a fun game for women. But, be careful that we don't interpret that as real disinterest. Because if we do, we're moving on and we're not looking back. Acting like you're not interested in a guy (even if you are) is painful to him and who wants to feel pain?

 

Men don't like playing games with women. It's not that they aren't fun, it's that we don't understand them. We're incapable of it. How can you play a game when you can't understand the rules?

 

EDIT: "Don't Get Me Wrong" is so, so awesome of a song.

[No_Go]

Facebook DOES show who views your profile, you just need to know the trick What's the trick JJ ? I WANT to know too!

 

How long have you been in touch with B-Dad? I think there is an inflection point that naturally happens in interpersonal interactions, just the initial intensity can't stay constant for too long. So maybe that's what you're noticing with him, or, you maybe right, he misinterpreted your pull back with lack of interest. Time to dial up a bit from your end.

[JJacobs]

I agree with both of you - maybe stepping back was a mistake. Maybe he’s either intimidated by the coach/parent thing and my withdrawal means he got confused. Now all I can do is calm my nerves when I’m around him and try to show that he was right the first time!!

 

As for the FB trick, I found out about it after a lot of testing!

 

I have an alternative profile that doesn’t interact with me on FB in any way, except for looking at my profile. So I looked at it from my main profile and , as usual, for a couple of days it would show first when I typed in the first name. Then it would drop in the search results, meaning it would no longer be the top result.

 

Then I gave it two months and didn’t look at it from my main profile at all. No interaction from me. My alternative profile no longer showed as a result.

 

Then I used the alternative to look at my main profile pretty heavily - I looked at pictures, the About section, likes, etc. After doing this one day, that night my alternative profile shot to first result when I searched for its first name!! Since it had been looking at mine, my main FB search results showed it. The alternative profile shows as a top result when I type its first name, last name and both first and last names. This happens when that person has been viewing your profile consistently.

 

I hope this is understandable... This also happened with a lady I know - I had never even looked her up on FB, she’s not in my contacts, nothing - she told me she had gone to my Facebook and a couple of days later, I was searching for a FB friend of mine with her same first name, but guess whose profile showed as the first search result? That’s right, the lady who said she’d visited my profile a couple of days earlier!

 

FB will never admit to this, of course - but it is true!!

 

I’ll see him again on Saturday... I’m hoping for something better