BoxNSox Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 (edited) I had a drunken break up with my ex in which I don't remember anything that was said. I was not trying to have a drunken conversation with her - I was only trying to go to bed. For some backstory: she lied to me a lot. And over stupid things. However, lies are lies and I was losing my ability to trust her. I felt it was something we could work on, though, because the lies were over silly things and the good outweighed the bad. However, she'd started acting bizarre and falling asleep at weird hours right after she got home from work only to wake up at 2 and 3 in the morning and pick that time to finally reply to texts or calls that I had made as much as 12 hours earlier. In fact, that's what happened the night of the drunken breakup. We were supposed to hang out that evening, but my last text from her was at noon where she said she was exhausted and wanted to take a nap. No biggie. When I still hadn't heard from her 7 hours later though, I became concerned. I called, got no answer, and left a message. I let about another hour go by before I sent a text asking her if she was ok. Still nothing. By 10pm I was a mix of worried and upset, but more upset than anything else. I know she'd said she was tired, but 10 hours is a very long nap for anybody. I started becoming suspicious - a product of her lies and my waning trust - but I also decided I wasn't going to let the entire night go to waste. I kicked back with the cocktails we were going to drink together and the movies we were going to watch together and tried to enjoy myself. I drank too much though and was heading to bed when she finally starts texting me at almost 1am. Apparently I called and we got into a huge fight that continued in texts for a couple of hours. When I woke up the next day with a hangover, the content of the texts was me repeatedly calling her a liar and talking about how she destroyed the relationship by destroying my trust and she made a few comments about how not even friends talk to each other the way I allegedly talked to her on the phone that night and that I was a terrible person. I have no recollection of the conversation, but if what I said was so terrible then why did she continue texting me for 2 hours apologizing and telling me that I deserved better? That doesn't really add up. As such, I tried calling her the next day, hangover and all, but got no answer. As it would turn out, I never heard from her again. I called, sent texts, and even sent a letter at one point a few weeks later. It has now been a little over 3 months since the breakup and I still have no idea what I said that night and have obtained no closure as a result. My letter was heartfelt and apologetic as were my calls, but I got nothing. No answers, no response, no explanation, no closure. It has hurt me very deeply and left me very depressed to know that she thinks I'm a terrible person after I poured my heart and soul into that relationship, but I have no idea why or what it was I said to earn that distinction and make her completely disappear from my life without another word. The total shut down without closure and no memory of the phone call has made it impossible for me to get over this. How do I come to terms with something I have no memory of? How do I get the closure that I need to heal and move on? Advice is appreciated. Edited January 8, 2018 by BoxNSox
Author BoxNSox Posted January 8, 2018 Author Posted January 8, 2018 You know, you do just get over it! You decide to get over it and that's what you do! If you need help you see a counselor to guide you. You stated you didn't trust her so it wasn't that good anyway. Since you don't even remember the conversation have you decided to quit drinking? No relationship will withstand this kind of way you participated. I didn't drink much to begin with. Maybe once every 6 weeks or so. I did overdo it that night though and because it's the reason I have no memory of the conversation I actually have opted to never get drunk again. This happened at the end of September and I haven't even had a sip of something alcoholic since then. I didn't even drink eggnog this year. Lol 1
Author BoxNSox Posted January 8, 2018 Author Posted January 8, 2018 I just wanted to add that I'm not able to just get over it, by willing myself to or otherwise. I am deeply, deeply hurt knowing that I may have said some ****ty things to her that I have no recollection of, that she thinks I'm a terrible person after I poured my heart and soul into that relationship, and that there was no closure for me. I would love to know what I said so that I can come to terms with it and have a better understanding as to why she disappeared without another word. It hurts to have so many unanswered questions and that the entire breakup is just up in the air without any reason that I'm consciously aware of.
Author BoxNSox Posted January 8, 2018 Author Posted January 8, 2018 This is a bit off topic, but is it just me or does there always seem to be a significantly higher ratio of males who can't get over their ex's than females? It may just be perception. I've had some female friends and even my own mother who took more than a year to get over an ex. God help me if it takes me that long. This has hurt longer and more deeply than I thought it would already and it's only been a few months. I do wish I had her (my ex's) off switch though. She pulled a Houdini on me and I'll probably never know why. That's where my pain comes from. Not having a cucking flue as to what I did/said. I wouldn't wish that kind of breakup on my worst enemy. It's awful and has proven to be impossible to get over. How do you get over something you don't remember doing? How do you forgive yourself for that?
Author BoxNSox Posted January 8, 2018 Author Posted January 8, 2018 (edited) Then go for a hypnosis session. That way you'll remember what you said and you'll know what you did. We can assume it was bad enough to really hurt her feelings. Enough that she's never spoken to you again. So there's that. Closure? That's a fallacy - you give that to yourself knowing full well it over. End of story. Get professional help too - you seem to be dealing with roadblocks you're putting up for yourself which won't help you in the long run. What do you mean by roadblocks that I'm putting up for myself? [] Perhaps saying that I "need" closure to heal and move on was a poor choice of words, but I would definitely LIKE closure and I definitely would LIKE to know what I said. Having those two desires doesn't mean I need professional help or that I'm a noob to love and breakups. I am likely older than you are and with more relationship experience than you have so, no, your comments were not appropriate and frankly antisocial - which is, itself, a mental health disorder. Everybody grieves in their own time and in their own way, friend, and I have some extra variables to deal with here that have complicated this particular breakup and subsequent healing process. It's really not out of the ordinary to want closure by way of knowing what I actually said that night. I would be less of a person if I didn't want to know. Edited January 9, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge
Logo Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 To the original poster, BoxNSox, I think you're feeling guilty and that adds to the grief you're feeling because you're afraid that you might have said some hurtful things. Put that aside for a moment and think about the simple fact that she lied to you and you lost trust. That's all you need to focus on. She lied to you. As for closure, I understand the feeling, but that's the nature of relationships. She hurt you by lying to you. Beyond that, whatever you said that night, just put it behind you. For the sake of argument, let's assume that you did say some horrible things to her -- things which you have no recollection of. Remember, she lied to you over and over. So, you're both even now. You've both hurt each other. But then again, you don't remember what you said, so it really doesn't matter at this point. Are you going to apologize to her and ask her what kind of things you said? She might lie to you and that'll make you feel worse. So.......The best thing to do is move on.
Logo Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 It's really not out of the ordinary to want closure by way of knowing what I actually said that night. I would be less of a person if I didn't want to know. Feeling guilt means that you're an honorable person who doesn't like to hurt others. But whatever you said that night didn't justify her continued lies, however small you thought they were. The bottom line is, you lost trust. Who knows, perhaps that night you told her how you really felt about her lies and she realized the jig was up. In that case, you have nothing to worry about. Please stop blaming yourself. It's not good for your health.
Iseult Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 (edited) How do I get the closure that I need to heal and move on? Advice is appreciated. "Closure" [is] not something you get from another person but rather, something that comes from within. All it means is you have not come to terms with the end of the relationship and you want the emotional security that comes with certainty. Unfortunately, life is not like that. Life is filled with uncertainties and sometimes we do not get the answers we seek. Or, sometimes we do, but fail to see it as an answer or accept it as one. Another poster mentioned counseling and I would agree. It will not only help you overcome your sadness, but also make you a more emotionally healthy person. [] Edited January 9, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Topical content and spelling
William Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 Good evening, Moderation performed some editing of this thread due to a report from a member regarding inappropriate and/or off-topic content. I noted a recent past thread of this starter was closed with a statement from Moderator ~T which likely has relevance here as well. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/637472-gf-won-t-forgive-me-4-month-relationship-destroyed-1-mistake I'll leave this thread open for now. Counseling has been suggested. No need nor reason to drone on about it. LoveShack.org isn't a counseling referral service, rather a peer to peer support and discussion forum for interpersonal relationships. Members are of course free to pursue professional options as they choose. If there is further on-topic content to add, we welcome it. Here's the bottom line question: How do I come to terms with something I have no memory of? How do I get the closure that I need to heal and move on? Thanks!
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