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Gf won't forgive me. 4 month relationship destroyed by 1 mistake...


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A little over 2 weeks ago, I got extremely intoxicated one night and really blew up at my girlfriend on the phone. I have no recollection of this conversation and have only been able to piece it together by the texts we continued to trade immediately following the drunken conversation. In these texts she told me that not even friends talk to each other the way I talked to her on the phone and my responses to her were repeatedly calling her a liar.

 

Prior to this we had been in an extremely loving 4 month relationship where we talked and/or hung out almost every day. We even talked about a future together. However, she lied to me a few times over mostly trivial things at the beginning of the relationship that had an unfortunate long-term effect on my ability to trust her. I became insecure in the relationship, but knew it, acknowledged it, and began working on it via a self help book.

 

Then I got drunk, which is something I don't normally do, and had my sleeping pills in my system (I suffer from severe insomnia that has lead to a kind of "sleep anxiety disorder"). I had 900 mgs of Gabapentin in my system, 200 mgs of Seroquel, 1 mg of Clonazepam, and the alcohol. I was already upset with my girlfriend for pretty much ignoring me for 12 hours (supposedly she was working and then crashed when she got home). She texted me after midnight when I was on my way to bed and I apparently called and said horrible things to her.

 

I tried to call, explain, apologize, and make amends for the next few days afterwards, but was completely ignored by her and/or blocked. I texted about 12 times over those few days and called at least a half dozen times. It was excessive so I finally came to my senses and backed off. However, I love this woman deeply and even though it was mutual, she now thinks I'm a terrible person and has shown through her actions that she wants nothing to do with me. I'd never mistreated her before and even our "disagreements" were healthy and productive discussions. But, I ruined that with my drunken call and I don't even know what I said, which is making it very hard on me right now.

 

I don't know what to do, but I did put a letter in the mail that should've arrived today. I've had no contact from her since the night of the incident and made no further attempts to contact her since Thursday of the break-up week. I'm heartbroken, confused, and don't know what to do to make amends with someone who might have even blocked my number. How does "I love you, I want a future with you" turn into no contact at all and possibly even blocking my number because of a single drunken phone call? Is there any hope for reconciliation? What can I do?

 

Thank you and sorry for the long post.

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I'm sorry that you're in this situation.

 

The thing which really stands out to me is where you wrote " I was already upset with my girlfriend for pretty much ignoring me for 12 hours (supposedly she was working and then crashed when she got home)"

 

Your use of the word "supposedly" shows that you don't trust that she truly was working and then crashed. Therefore, you still have trust issues with her. This is bigger than one bad phone call. Why do you not believe her story? Was it an urgent text that you sent?

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A lot of women like to say: "If he can't handle me at my worst, he doesn't deserve me at my best".

 

I like to apply the same standard to them. Everyone comes as a whole package. You either take it all or you take nothing.

 

Never chase after people. It will degrade your sense of dignity and self-respect. I've always held the belief that if someone wants to leave they should go.

 

I'm one of the easiest people in the world to break up with because I never fight it. The very fact that you want to leave totally turns me off to you lol.

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How does "I love you, I want a future with you" turn into no contact at all and possibly even blocking my number because of a single drunken phone call?

 

Sorry, I should have addressed this too.

 

It wasn't just a "drunken phone call" - it was verbal abuse. Not only that, but you've blamed it on a mixture of meds with alcohol and anger with her for not contacting you. I'm not reading anywhere where you take full responsibility for acting in the way you did.

 

How does love end so quickly? It's about the instinct of self preservation. A man or woman would be foolish to continue with a partner who's shown themselves capable of verbal abuse like this. Likewise, she'd be foolish to be with someone who doesn't trust her.

 

And you'd be foolish to continue with someone you don't trust.

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I'm sorry that you're in this situation.

 

The thing which really stands out to me is where you wrote " I was already upset with my girlfriend for pretty much ignoring me for 12 hours (supposedly she was working and then crashed when she got home)"

 

Your use of the word "supposedly" shows that you don't trust that she truly was working and then crashed. Therefore, you still have trust issues with her. This is bigger than one bad phone call. Why do you not believe her story? Was it an urgent text that you sent?

 

She texted me at around 2:30pm on a Saturday saying she was really tired and thinking about taking a nap. We were going to hang out later, but when I hadn't heard from her by 7:30pm I sent her a short text asking her if she was ok. I got no response. By 10pm, I was pretty upset, had no idea what happened to her, and decided to drink our booze and watch one of the movies I'd rented by myself. It was a mistake.

 

I rarely drink so I really didn't know my limits. When I got drunk it hit me hard and fast. It's possible that my pills were the reason for this. I'm really not sure. But I was on my way to bed at about 1am when she finally texted me and I just remember getting really pissed and calling her. At some point we hung up and continued fighting in texts.

 

She claims that she fell asleep when she got home from work and woke up at 1am to text me and let me know she'd passed out, but I didn't believe her, at least with my judgement all impaired by the stuff in my system.

Edited by BoxNSox
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A lot of women like to say: "If he can't handle me at my worst, he doesn't deserve me at my best".

 

I like to apply the same standard to them. Everyone comes as a whole package. You either take it all or you take nothing.

 

Never chase after people. It will degrade your sense of dignity and self-respect. I've always held the belief that if someone wants to leave they should go.

 

I'm one of the easiest people in the world to break up with because I never fight it. The very fact that you want to leave totally turns me off to you lol.

 

I'm sorry, but where did I say I want to leave?

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You blew up at her and verbally abused her.

You blamed a cocktail of drugs and alcohol too - did she force these all down your throat or did you choose to take them all?

 

Sorry OP, she's done the right thing.

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Cookiesandough

There's the issue that you 'self medicate' when things go wrong? But there's another issue I see here which is often the case when people make posts blaming themselves for their partner stonewalling/ignoring/breaking up with them....

 

 

She disrespected you to begin with! She flaked on you. cancellation, no text response at all. Does this happen often... maybe there's another problem here in addition to you getting drunk when upset and blowing up

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Oh come on, don't treat this guy like he's some kind of savage drug addict. Everyone acts in a stupid way after drinking.

 

It was really dumb to mix Clonazepam with alcohol, though. You can die from that, don't do it again. Seriously.

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Sorry, I should have addressed this too.

 

It wasn't just a "drunken phone call" - it was verbal abuse. Not only that, but you've blamed it on a mixture of meds with alcohol and anger with her for not contacting you. I'm not reading anywhere where you take full responsibility for acting in the way you did.

 

How does love end so quickly? It's about the instinct of self preservation. A man or woman would be foolish to continue with a partner who's shown themselves capable of verbal abuse like this. Likewise, she'd be foolish to be with someone who doesn't trust her.

 

And you'd be foolish to continue with someone you don't trust.

 

I'm just explaining what happened and giving details. I took full responsibility in my letter and said that the alcohol and medication mix is no excuse for me saying hurtful things and does not absolve me of facing the consequences of my actions. I did apologize for my irresponsibility and poor decisions that night as part of the apology.

 

So a single incident like this erases all the love I ever showed this woman and the fact that I've never mistreated her? I'm really struggling with that because please keep in mind that I have no recollection of the conversation. It's making it difficult for me to process. Sorry.

Edited by BoxNSox
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You are very lucky she didn't call the police on you. With all those text, phone, and special letter sent in the mail will never change her mind of what you did. Drunk and you say it all to her. I've done that but never drunk I don't turn to drinking to solve my problems just hurt your kidneys or liver that way. Drinking doesn't solve your problems. So you have to listen to her she might forgive you one day or she doesn't sound like she will. Do not call her, do not text and boy oh boy don't send a priority or express mail letter to her house. She doesn't want to see you ever again. Even if she has talk to you and to say you'll see you she hasn't really has she. Let this go. You never said what she did to you to get so upset in the first place.

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I'm just explaining what happened and giving details. I took full responsibility in my letter and said that the alcohol and medication mix is no excuse for me saying hurtful things and does not absolve me of facing the consequences of my actions. I did apologize for my irresponsibility and poor decisions that night as part of the apology.

 

So a single incident like this erases all the love I ever showed this woman and the fact that I've never mistreated her? I'm really struggling with that because please keep in mind that I have no recollection of the conversation. It's making it difficult for me to process. Sorry.

 

Yes what you did was wrong, it's now a learning lesson. You can't have it both ways. You where drunk, on meds and carried on in a behavior that is completely on call for. You can apologize all you want she's has the final say not you. She ended it with you she's done, you have to accept what she said you have to listen to her, your not listening and doing whatever it takes for her to forgive. I wouldn't push this because she can go to the police and file harassment judgement against you. You could get arrested and go to jail. This only happens when you push the woman so far.. She gets scared, she doesn't know what type of man you have turned out to be a very dangerous one. The police will give you a verbal warning "saying she wants you to go" she doesn't want you around her. That's when you know you have to go!

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There's the issue that you 'self medicate' when things go wrong? But there's another issue I see here which is often the case when people make posts blaming themselves for their partner stonewalling/ignoring/breaking up with them....

 

 

She disrespected you to begin with! She flaked on you. cancellation, no text response at all. Does this happen often... maybe there's another problem here in addition to you getting drunk when upset and blowing up

 

I don't see how a single incident establishes a history of self-medicating when things go wrong. I have to take those meds every night for sleep - they're prescription medications. Drinking was a mistake, but I maybe drink once every couple of months and these prescriptions are relatively new. I didn't know. I made a mistake.

 

 

She has done this on two other occasions - and like I said, she lied to me a few times at the start of the relationship so when she started doing these things I just became very insecure about it. A simple text or call from her would've made a difference, but she was supposedly "napping". I don't really know too many people that take 10 hour naps...

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I don't see how a single incident establishes a history of self-medicating when things go wrong. I have to take those meds every night for sleep - they're prescription medications. Drinking was a mistake, but I maybe drink once every couple of months and these prescriptions are relatively new. I didn't know. I made a mistake.

 

 

She has done this on two other occasions - and like I said, she lied to me a few times at the start of the relationship so when she started doing these things I just became very insecure about it. A simple text or call from her would've made a difference, but she was supposedly "napping". I don't really know too many people that take 10 hour naps...

 

She lied to you and you tolerate this, but clearly you shown you don't so what do you do? Get drunk and you go on the attack mode, where we men lose it there. You say all sorts of mean things. Then except the woman to accept that attack. You think it's okay to say whatever and she's suppose to say oh okay.. Nope. If she lied then you should have just left anyway.. But no you stick around for some more lies..She's doing other things but not with you it seems 10 hour naps is excuse. You know that already.

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Why didn't you end it when she lied and what were the lies about?

 

12 hours without contact isn't reason to blow up and be abusive and you clearly just don't trust her and have a lot of insecurity over this relationship.

If you don't trust someone get out of the relationship

 

It sounds like you would have blown up with or without the meds and alcohol.

 

Right now you need to respect her decision and leave her be.

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You are very lucky she didn't call the police on you. With all those text, phone, and special letter sent in the mail will never change her mind of what you did. Drunk and you say it all to her. I've done that but never drunk I don't turn to drinking to solve my problems just hurt your kidneys or liver that way. Drinking doesn't solve your problems. So you have to listen to her she might forgive you one day or she doesn't sound like she will. Do not call her, do not text and boy oh boy don't send a priority or express mail letter to her house. She doesn't want to see you ever again. Even if she has talk to you and to say you'll see you she hasn't really has she. Let this go. You never said what she did to you to get so upset in the first place.

 

Alright this is getting out of control. There are all kinds of generalizations being made here and now I'm harassing her and lucky she didn't call the police because I mailed an apology letter 2 1/2 weeks after the incident and after not making any additional texts or calls after my initial attempts to apologize and make amends? We were in a 4 month relationship. Calling and texting for a few days after the incident to try to apologize and make amends isn't grounds for harassment charges and neither is sending a letter 2 1/2 weeks later.

 

 

If I was calling and texting nonstop every day, you might have a point, but I haven't contacted her at all in 2 weeks. If a sincere apology letter to the woman you love and were with for 4 months after making a mistake is harassment and grounds for police involvement then I have no concept of right and wrong. It would be one thing if she'd said "Don't ever contact me again" and I sent her a letter, but that was never said and the fact is that she continued to text me that night for more than an hour after our phone call and the worst thing I said to her in texts was calling her a liar, which is not an untrue statement.

 

 

I'm not an alcoholic, I'm not a drug addict, I don't self-medicate when things go wrong, and I'm not a verbally abusive harasser of women. This is unreal. I made a single drunken mistake and I'm being treated like a criminal and someone who does this kind of thing habitually. I'm a human being and I made a mistake. I don't even know what I said to her that night, but if it was such godawful verbal abuse then why did she continue the conversation in texts for more than an hour after the call? You guys don't know what I said any more than I do so please don't jump to conclusions.

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It sounds like you would have blown up with or without the meds and alcohol.

 

Not a chance. I never mistreated her a single time the entire 4 months we were together and any disagreements we'd ever had were always healthy and productive conversations. I said that in the OP.

 

 

But, hey, let's just keep making assumptions and generalizations.

 

 

I appreciate most of the advice and feedback, but there are far too many generalizations and assumptions being made for me to want to continue to participate in this discussion. I feel horribly enough about ever mistreating her in the first place and have done the best I can to apologize. Good luck.

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You left out a lot, you have to tell us what happen and if any changes, otherwise we'll have our own advise here. Can't blame us all here on LS for helping you. Sounds like you have it under control then. If not then what else is the issue then? You say she won't forgive you in 4 month relationship. But there is more to it than that. If you have it under control now our just waiting on her then.

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I'll ask again, what did she lie about in the early stages?

 

He said she was taking 10 hour naps, that's what she lied about. If that's not the case he clearly needs to explain to us what else she did. There is more to the story here. I have to get ready for work. The rest here on LS will take over for now.. Good luck!

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I'll ask again, what did she lie about in the early stages?

 

Yes, please address this! It seems important as it all stems from these lies.

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Cookiesandough
I don't see how a single incident establishes a history of self-medicating when things go wrong. I have to take those meds every night for sleep - they're prescription medications. Drinking was a mistake, but I maybe drink once every couple of months and these prescriptions are relatively new. I didn't know. I made a mistake.

 

 

She has done this on two other occasions - and like I said, she lied to me a few times at the start of the relationship so when she started doing these things I just became very insecure about it. A simple text or call from her would've made a difference, but she was supposedly "napping". I don't really know too many people that take 10 hour naps...

 

No one said it was necessarily a theme, but you did self medicate ie abuse prescription drugs and alcohol to cope with your emotions. That's pretty impulsive and an issue, IMO. It not only has personal consequences, but it's also dangerous. It could be a one-off mistake that you have learned from. Just be careful.

 

If there are trust issues in your relationship due to things she lied about, that's a core issue. A young relationship with damaged trust is on a slippery slope. Insecurities usually snowball and push the other partner away more. You don't trust her when she says she is sleeping and verbally abused her. Doesn't sound good at all

Edited by Cookiesandough
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OP, you don't know what triggers she might have felt after your drunken tirade over the phone. It might have been enough to flip a switch where she says enough is enough and I got to end this. In fact, it appears like that's what occurred. Yes, we're human and we all make mistakes but fact of the matter is anyone can leave in a relationship at any point. No one is tied down by law in a girlfriend boyfriend relationship. Maybe she saw other cracks/pet peeves that built up to this. I don't think it's an isolated incident -- she must have been seeing you through less than positive lens over the past few weeks/months if one drunk tirade was enough to make her break up.

 

I'm afraid you might never get an answer from her. It happens. Chalk it up as a learning experience and do better next time.

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