How to survive his divorce

[Dreamwalker17]

What might help is a little distance. I know he asked you to be there for him as a sounding board/support system during these tough times. But: You don’t need to. Would he be ok with you stepping back and letting him deal with everything on his own? Maybe that way, if/when he comes back to you with some “results”, you’d feel more like you were “chosen”, because you decided for yourself to withdraw, and he would have to “come get you”. Just a thought.

 

That may work, thank you.

I am meeting him for dinner tonight, first time since September.

If he is using me, he didn't get that much usage.

[Minnie09]

That may work, thank you.

I am meeting him for dinner tonight, first time since September.

If he is using me, he didn't get that much usage.

 

I don’t think he was using you. I do believe that he (thought he) fell in love with you, and that his MO wasn’t malicious per se. However, the fact that BW makes all the choices now is still problematic. It shows he’s not a proactive player in the game, and accepts whatever is decided on his behalf. THAT alone, despite his feelings for you, would worry me. Like arieswoman said, it was her choice to change her life drastically after she found out about her WH cheating, and the end result for WH and his OW wasn’t a good one. Keep that in mind! BTW, I’ve been the OW and have been in a very similar situation as you’re in right now.

[Arieswoman]

DW #21

 

I told him exactly that, and he responded my life and a future is not controlled by her and not even by him.

[in my opinion] Right now his wife is calling the shots. She filed for divorce and will be making sure she gets her "pound of flesh". There's long road ahead

 

I am meeting him for dinner tonight, first time since September.

And after that will he go back home [to] his wife or has he got his own place now? Edited January 8, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language and tone

[Dreamwalker17]

Dreamwalker17,

I should have added in post 17# that my own situation was different.

 

I am the BS and when I found out he was cheating I threw him out and named her in the divorce. After that she decided it was too much trouble and dumped him for her fiance who knew nothing about it.

 

I found out who the fiance was and told him. He promptly dumped her and she went running back to my ex who took her back.

 

For the next 4 years the r/ship was on/off and included one half-a$$ed attempt on his part to get back with me, which I rejected. She had a least one suicide attempt that I know about. During that time she watched my house on a couple of occasions - no doubt he was MIA and she was checking he wasn't at my place.

 

Finally she got pregnant and they got married.

 

Her problem was that she knew what he was capable of ;

playing hooky from work with her and getting his mates to lie if I rang up, (they worked together) taking her back to our place in the daytime when I was working 30 miles away, spending marital assets on w/e's in hotels with her under the guise of a workplace "course", spending our money buying her gifts (I worked and earned more money than he did).

 

All this was exciting and "naughty" when she was the OW.

 

Now she was the wife it was a whole different story...

 

So when she stopped working due to being pregnant she kept asking her mates at work to keep tabs on him, she moved her mother in with them so there was always someone in the house (to make sure he couldn't bring anyone back). She told her mates straight out that she didn't trust him.

 

The stress sent her blood pressure through the roof and the baby died in utero. She ended up with severe post natal depression and had to be hospitalised for several months.

 

They were still together 10 years ago and ended up with 2 kids but her mental health has suffered and she had a second episode of severe depression requiring hospitalisation, this time for 6 months.

 

10 years ago I moved out of the area so I have no idea what the situation is now

 

If you are not the "chosen one", these things rarely end well. I would seriously examine your relationship with this man and whether you really want to go down that road.....

 

This is just awful, I am sure at some point you started feeling sorry for this woman. She won nothing.

 

Right now our relationship is at crossroads. I mentioned it was winding down for months before complete and final end. He couldn't make a firm decision, and just kept hurting himself, hurting me, hurting his wife. I ended it because there was nothing else left to do, and actually he had much harder time with our ending than I did - I set my mind on moving on, and I was done.

 

I am having a hard time not being "the chosen" one the way it is, there is no way I'd keep playing this game. None of it was exciting to me, in fact I could never understand how he could keep lying to her. To me it was just plain cruel, and if anything I am glad she finally freeing herself.

[carhill]

Try the tampon test, something I coined back in the days of meeting MW's for lunches and dinners and other similar interactions. Go with the flow, share some stuff about your non-relationship life and see how things progress. Is the dinner a sounding-board/complaint/whoa is me fest or is he stoic about the marriage/separation/divorce and focused on you, your and his interactions and the here and now at dinner? See how it goes. I did more than a few goodbyes at lunches and dinners after the tampon test, where I determined they were using me for a tampon not as a valued partner or even friend. Even the pros, and I've known a few, slip up. They can't help it. Their ego won't allow equity. It has to be about them. If this guy calmly lays out his plan, going to counseling with xxx next week, Wednesday at 1pm, then meeting with his lawyer to get the divorce filing fleshed out on Thursday at 10am, bla, bla, then moves on to you and what's going on in your life, better chance. If it's all bla, bla, no specifics, sweet talk then on to his ego feed, well, there ya go.

 

I've seen this as an OM and MM so know the drill. You asked how to survive his divorce. That's my .02. BTW, none of the MW's who failed the tampon test divorced like they said they would, not for years and years. It was all BS. That's OK, I accept that people BS and lie to serve themselves. It's human. Do what you need to do to serve yourself.

[Dreamwalker17]

Try the tampon test, something I coined back in the days of meeting MW's for lunches and dinners and other similar interactions. Go with the flow, share some stuff about your non-relationship life and see how things progress. Is the dinner a sounding-board/complaint/whoa is me fest or is he stoic about the marriage/separation/divorce and focused on you, your and his interactions and the here and now at dinner? See how it goes. I did more than a few goodbyes at lunches and dinners after the tampon test, where I determined they were using me for a tampon not as a valued partner or even friend. Even the pros, and I've known a few, slip up. They can't help it. Their ego won't allow equity. It has to be about them. If this guy calmly lays out his plan, going to counseling with xxx next week, Wednesday at 1pm, then meeting with his lawyer to get the divorce filing fleshed out on Thursday at 10am, bla, bla, then moves on to you and what's going on in your life, better chance. If it's all bla, bla, no specifics, sweet talk then on to his ego feed, well, there ya go.

 

I've seen this as an OM and MM so know the drill. You asked how to survive his divorce. That's my .02. BTW, none of the MW's who failed the tampon test divorced like they said they would, not for years and years. It was all BS. That's OK, I accept that people BS and lie to serve themselves. It's human. Do what you need to do to serve yourself.

 

You crack me up. All golden, thank you.

[DKT3]

When we just started, he said his marriage was pretty much normal, with usual ups and down of long term relationship, but nothing that would justify an affair, and he never thought he'd become a cheater.

He said his reason was because he fell in love with me.

 

Now, we all know that isn't true, he was cheating before feelings were involved.

 

Before I read someone say divorcer vs divorcee made a difference in affairs turned relationships making it. WELL, the truth is there is no significant difference. All affairs turned relationships fail at about an 85% clip, and do so within 5 year.

 

Long term success is unlikely. Doing so mean therapy for both individually and together. Trust issues, poor boundaries, jealousy wondering eyes are very difficult to handle when only one partner has them, almost impossible when both does.

[Dreamwalker17]

Now, we all know that isn't true, he was cheating before feelings were involved.

 

Before I read someone say divorcer vs divorcee made a difference in affairs turned relationships making it. WELL, the truth is there is no significant difference. All affairs turned relationships fail at about an 85% clip, and do so within 5 year.

 

Long term success is unlikely. Doing so mean therapy for both individually and together. Trust issues, poor boundaries, jealousy wondering eyes are very difficult to handle when only one partner has them, almost impossible when both does.

 

What do you mean "we all know not that isn't true, he was cheating before feelings were involved"?

[elaine567]

Right now our relationship is at crossroads. I mentioned it was winding down for months before complete and final end. He couldn't make a firm decision, and just kept hurting himself, hurting me, hurting his wife. I ended it because there was nothing else left to do, and actually he had much harder time with our ending than I did - I set my mind on moving on, and I was done.

 

I am having a hard time not being "the chosen" one the way it is, there is no way I'd keep playing this game. None of it was exciting to me, in fact I could never understand how he could keep lying to her. To me it was just plain cruel, and if anything I am glad she finally freeing herself.

 

I have a feeling you are still essentially done.

There was a terminal illness, there was a death, there was a funeral, there was a period of grieving, there was an acceptance, a finality.

Now the corpse has again showed up, but the world is now a different place and whilst part of you feels you should be glad he is here, the other part wishes he had just stayed dead and buried.

[Minnie09]

Now, we all know that isn't true, he was cheating before feelings were involved.

 

Before I read someone say divorcer vs divorcee made a difference in affairs turned relationships making it. WELL, the truth is there is no significant difference. All affairs turned relationships fail at about an 85% clip, and do so within 5 year.

 

I missed the part where OP said no feelings were involved initially, but that’s beyond the point. If there weren’t, and he developed them over time, would that be worse than falling in love at first sight? I doubt it. Makes zero difference.

 

And those statistics are neither helpful, nor correct. If I wanted to, I could dig out some “legit stats”, from anywhere across the www, that prove the exact opposite. I took social statistics in Uni, and the first thing you learn there is how to pay attention to the fact that statistics can lie, and that they strongly depend on the researcher, the target group, the base population, how results are interpreted, etc.

[Dreamwalker17]

I have a feeling you are still essentially done.

There was a terminal illness, there was a death, there was a funeral, there was a period of grieving, there was an acceptance, a finality.

Now the corpse has again showed up, but the world is now a different place and whilst part of you feels you should be glad he is here, the other part wishes he had just stayed dead and buried.

 

Thank you Elaine.

I'd be so happy if he'd left his wife during those two years we were together, that would've made a world of a difference to how I'd feel and how the future for us would've looked like.

And now he needs me to be patient and kind and loving, that finally we can be together, and can't understand all my anger and resentment, all my grief.

[elaine567]

Thank you Elaine.

I'd be so happy if he'd left his wife during those two years we were together, that would've made a world of a difference to how I'd feel and how the future for us would've looked like.

And now he needs me to be patient and kind and loving, that finally we can be together, and can't understand all my anger and resentment, all my grief.

 

I get it.

When you no doubt pleaded with him to make things right, to show you that you were his one and only and to make you priority. He essentially did nothing and he let you walk away, knowing you were heart broken.

NOW his wife throws him out, and he NEEDS you, you are all he ever wanted...

Yeah right...

[HadMeOverABarrel]

This is one for the spot a liar/cheater guidebook. Great post, Carhill! Thanks.

 

Try the tampon test, something I coined back in the days of meeting MW's for lunches and dinners and other similar interactions. Go with the flow, share some stuff about your non-relationship life and see how things progress. Is the dinner a sounding-board/complaint/whoa is me fest or is he stoic about the marriage/separation/divorce and focused on you, your and his interactions and the here and now at dinner? See how it goes. I did more than a few goodbyes at lunches and dinners after the tampon test, where I determined they were using me for a tampon not as a valued partner or even friend. Even the pros, and I've known a few, slip up. They can't help it. Their ego won't allow equity. It has to be about them. If this guy calmly lays out his plan, going to counseling with xxx next week, Wednesday at 1pm, then meeting with his lawyer to get the divorce filing fleshed out on Thursday at 10am, bla, bla, then moves on to you and what's going on in your life, better chance. If it's all bla, bla, no specifics, sweet talk then on to his ego feed, well, there ya go.

 

I've seen this as an OM and MM so know the drill. You asked how to survive his divorce. That's my .02. BTW, none of the MW's who failed the tampon test divorced like they said they would, not for years and years. It was all BS. That's OK, I accept that people BS and lie to serve themselves. It's human. Do what you need to do to serve yourself.

[Samantha.Leo]

Wise people of this board, please help me. Imsosaid, goodyblue, there were others who transitioned into real relationship.

 

At this point, I don't know if we're going to make it. I put a final end to our 2+ years old long affair a month before he came to me and said his marriage is ending. The affair itself was winding down for months already.

 

He is a mess, but I am not doing much better. I don't know what to do, we fight every day over pretty much everything.

I can't ask for space and leave him now, he asked for my love and support, but I need just as much love and support from him and he can't handle it, and I understand why.

I feel very insecure and unsafe, after all, he didn't leave her, she is the one who initiated the divorce. Things seems to be progressing, they are separating, settling finances, custody etc. But I am going crazy because I am afraid that yet again I will end up heartbroken.

 

I know he loves me. I love him too.

How to navigate through all this? How not to destroy love, and save and strengthen our relationship?

Please help me, because I am losing hope.

 

D.

 

I feel for you. I am ALMOST in the same boat. Mine wasn't an affair, but we did get together soon after his wife initiated the divorce proceedings. I have those same doubts myself (insecure, afraid I will end up heartbroken, ect.). My guy is also a mess. Moments of being close to me, loving, and sharing his feelings are equal to the moments of him being moody, distant, and hard to reach both mentally and physically. When I talked to him about me not being around during this time and that I thought I wasn't helping him at all, he asked for time. It's a tough road.

[BaileyB]

[]I would let him go and tell him to come back to me once his divorce is final, when he is living on his own, and the situation is stable with custody and anything else relating to the divorce. IF, he comes back to you, then you know that he is in a healthier place and the relationship has some legs...

 

But, I doubt that many women who have invested so heavily in a married man would be able to do that. At least, not when you feel so close to getting everything you thought you wanted...

Edited January 8, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted post redacted

[Arieswoman]

BaileyB,

 

But, I doubt that many women who have invested so heavily in a married man would be able to do that. At least, not when you feel so close to getting everything you thought you wanted...

 

Sadly this ^^ is so true.

 

It's called the "Sunk Costs Theory" and people in this situation are looking for a return on their investment

[S2B]

That may work, thank you.

I am meeting him for dinner tonight, first time since September.

If he is using me, he didn't get that much usage.

 

Sit down at dinner and see what he talks about... say nothing - just listen.

 

Let's see if he's got a solid plan of action for his future or if he's just going to complain about his situation.

 

Let's see if he future fakes - let's see if he asks YOU about what's happening in your life.

 

And let's see if he's retained an attorney, split assets and obtained a new place of residence. Let's see if he's seen a counselor for a place to vent while getting professional guidance to get honest and to prevent future cheating.

 

 

Let's see if he's taken charge of changing his life and control over his future!

[Arieswoman]

SB2,

 

Sit down at dinner and see what he talks about... say nothing - just listen.

 

Let's see if he's got a solid plan of action for his future or if he's just going to complain about his situation.

 

Let's see if he future fakes - let's see if he asks YOU about what's happening in your life.

 

And let's see if he's retained an attorney, split assets and obtained a new place of residence. Let's see if he's seen a counselor for a place to vent while getting professional guidance to get honest and to prevent future cheating.

 

 

Let's see if he's taken charge of changing his life and control over his future!

 

This ^^^ is very smart advice

[DKT3]

I think two major factors are in play that I believe OP has recognized but seems reluctant to allow them to drive her decision making process here.

 

1) the length of the affair. One thing that all affairs turned successful relationships have in common, a relatively short affair. Once they drag on two three years it indicates that the APs are not really all that serious about an US.

 

2) He didn't drive to end the marriage.

 

I think the writing is on the wall that he wanted to stay married. The reasons are irrelevant.

 

Keep in mind, a large portion of men coming out of long term relationships look to have someone fill his wife's roll in the short term, but ultimately, a third woman enters the picture.

 

I'm concerned that he is pushing you to be there for him, it's worrisome. It would be more likely (were he seriously considering an US with you) he would shield you from his divorce fallout.

 

Don't allow him you use you to transition from Marriages to single status.

[S2B]

In so many ways I agree with the tampon theory.

 

MM caught up in their own turmoil try so hard to place their high emotions on someone. They need a person to vent to about all the crap they are going through - but never seem to take responsibility for the fact that they CAUSED that turmoil. They are essentially looking for someone else to absorb all the negativity they emit. Don't let that be you.

 

And many times they really are grounded in being the victim! But seriously never see that they are the victim of the self and their own doing...

 

You know he lied and he cheated. You know he did this to himself ---> and now he's dragged you along with him...and will continue dragging you through all the crap his divorce will bring - IF you allow it.

 

I wouldn't allow it. I'd disappear until it's over! You need to do this for YOUR sanity.

 

 

How long was he married? Kids?

Edited January 8, 2018 by S2B

[Minnie09]

In so many ways I agree with the tampon theory.

 

MM caught up in their own turmoil try so hard to place their high emotions on someone. They need a person to vent to about all the crap they are going through - but never seem to take responsibility for the fact that they CAUSED that turmoil. They are essentially looking for someone else to absorb all the negativity they emit. Don't let that be you.

 

And many times they really are grounded in being the victim! But seriously never see that they are the victim of the self and their own doing...

 

You know he lied and he cheated. You know he did this to himself ---> and now he's dragged you along with him...and will continue dragging you through all the crap his divorce will bring - IF you allow it.

 

I wouldn't allow it. I'd disappear until it's over! You need to do this for YOUR sanity.

 

 

How long was he married? Kids?

 

 

Based on my own experience with a similar situation, I don’t see it that way. What bothered ME (and that’s just me, so take it with a grain of salt) the most, was that he wouldn’t share important thoughts - about going through this important/depressing transition/divorce/separation/splitting assets, etc etc - with me. He kind of wanted to shield me from the strong emotions that came with his separating from his wife. I voiced my concerns about how it bothered me to be excluded and not clued in and not kept in the loop. His explanation always was that he didn’t want to burden me with this, and that he wanted me to stay unbiased. I would’ve been supportive, if he had kept me in the loop. He chose not to, maybe because he was too insecure, or maybe because he was not the one wearing the pants in the relationship while they were going through a divorce. I will never know. I couldn’t deal with it any longer. So I cut contact. After I did, his half assed Attempts to reach out with more lighthearted conversations never ceased. I blocked ..... I was done. I would’ve appreciated honesty, sharing true emotions, I would’ve been supportive, but I can’t provide that, if I don’t have all the information that I want to have. That was MY straw that broke the camel’s back.

 

So I guess it’s different for everyone. Most ppl on this forum, and especially in this thread, say that you shouldn’t be Your lover’s sounding board and “tampon”, I get that, however, for me it was the opposite. I felt like I wasn’t involved enough. I would never interfere, though, don’t get me wrong, but I definitely DID expect him to be upfront and honest with me about everything he’s going through. He was not and I couldn’t deal with that very well.

 

I understand that somebody else’s divorce is none of my business, but if that person expects me to be there for a full-time relationship after they get the divorce finalized, I do expect them to keep me in the loop with regards to all the steps that they have taken, and will be taking during the process.

[Dreamwalker17]

Based on my own experience with a similar situation, I don’t see it that way. What bothered ME (and that’s just me, so take it with a grain of salt) the most, was that he wouldn’t share important thoughts - about going through this important/depressing transition/divorce/separation/splitting assets, etc etc - with me. He kind of wanted to shield me from the strong emotions that came with his separating from his wife. I voiced my concerns about how it bothered me to be excluded and not clued in and not kept in the loop. His explanation always was that he didn’t want to burden me with this, and that he wanted me to stay unbiased. I would’ve been supportive, if he had kept me in the loop. He chose not to, maybe because he was too insecure, or maybe because he was not the one wearing the pants in the relationship while they were going through a divorce. I will never know. I couldn’t deal with it any longer. So I cut contact. After I did, his half assed Attempts to reach out with more lighthearted conversations never ceased. I blocked ..... I was done. I would’ve appreciated honesty, sharing true emotions, I would’ve been supportive, but I can’t provide that, if I don’t have all the information that I want to have. That was MY straw that broke the camel’s back.

 

So I guess it’s different for everyone. Most ppl on this forum, and especially in this thread, say that you shouldn’t be Your lover’s sounding board and “tampon”, I get that, however, for me it was the opposite. I felt like I wasn’t involved enough. I would never interfere, though, don’t get me wrong, but I definitely DID expect him to be upfront and honest with me about everything he’s going through. He was not and I couldn’t deal with that very well.

 

I understand that somebody else’s divorce is none of my business, but if that person expects me to be there for a full-time relationship after they get the divorce finalized, I do expect them to keep me in the loop with regards to all the steps that they have taken, and will be taking during the process.

 

I can't decide myself what would work best for me in this situation.

I am aware of the logistics - he moved out to his own place, they are working out financials, custody etc.

I don't know if I want to be involved in and share all the emotions - he needs to grieve the end of his marriage properly. On the other hand, I don't want to be an outsider looking in either, especially when he asked me for support.

I don't know. That's why I was asking for advise.

 

Thank you Minnie.

[Minnie09]

I can't decide myself what would work best for me in this situation.

I am aware of the logistics - he moved out to his own place, they are working out financials, custody etc.

I don't know if I want to be involved in and share all the emotions - he needs to grieve the end of his marriage properly. On the other hand, I don't want to be an outsider looking in either, especially when he asked me for support.

I don't know. That's why I was asking for advise.

 

Thank you Minnie.

 

Yeah, I believe that if you’re important to him and his life, he will have the natural desire to have you involved in everything that’s going on in his life. That doesn’t mean that you should give advice, or interfere, or anything like that, but It does mean that he has the natural desire to share these things with you. And that’s what I was lacking. And that’s why I wasn’t willing to continue. Not sure where he’s at right now. Probably single. I’m

Still not replying.

[S2B]

I'd say he's gotten started on the process - so that's good!

 

Just listen at dinner and see what new actions he's doing to get his life/future in order... and encourage him to do well in his quest to keep moving forward/through this process.

 

Let us know how it goes - good luck!

[S2B]

I think it may be important to tell him that you need support too... that he needs to attend to your emotional well being too.

 

Then see how he reacts to you having needs as well.