Spouse's weight - need some suggestions

[basil67]

I wouldn't necessarily classify us as heading for divorce, but it does effect how I view her somewhat if I'm being honest. Not simply image but the lack of self-discipline that leads to a healthier lifestyle.

 

The bitterness and resentfulness you suggest is very mild at this point. I suppose if she blew me off on the issue it could become a larger issue for me and where I'm at. But I'm not going to forecast how I'll feel down the road. I have to deal with the hear and now and see how that goes.

 

You know, after all the years of reassuring her that she's beautiful, comments along these lines (no matter how tactfully presented) will not only shatter her self esteem, but also cause her to lose an incredible amount of trust in you.

 

How will she reconcile the man who gave her all these compliments with the man who looks down on her for not having the same self discipline as him? Bitterness and resentfulness may be mild at this point, but she will become aware of that too.

 

Out of curiosity, do you have the financial ability to pay for a PT 3 times a week indefinitely for her? It can't be you because she'll already have lost a lot of trust and faith in you if you raise the issue.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Bad feet doesn't cause you to gain weight.

 

:lmao:I think the meaning was that feet that hurt can prevent you from wanting to exercise .

[nospam99]

but I was just at a class reunion very recently and about 5-10% of the women seemed like they really took care of themselves over the years while the remainder just decided to throw in the towel and give up. That's not a cruel or mean observation, just one that is the blatant truth. And it doesn't help that we all have this lousy American diet to choose from each and every day. By the way, I'd say the same for the guys I went to school with. 90% just let it all fall apart. Just a shame.

 

I bet it varies from community to community. But observations from my own 45th high school reunion last summer:

- 50% of everyone, women and guys looked good

- 20% of the grrlz looked GOOOOOD Not quite Christie Brinkley (who is a matter of days older than I am) but good enough that, knowing them, I'd rather show off by walking into a formal party with one of them on my arm than with Christie.

It was an event that woke me up to being 'not dead yet' and the fact that we can fight back pretty effectively against aging at least for a while.

Edited January 6, 2018 by nospam99

[Chilli]

Yep, it's got to be her decision. It crossed my mind today that maybe she's let the issue go because I haven't really made it an issue. In the end, as someone else stated, I can't control anyone but myself and that's fine. I just would prefer she was self-aware and tackle it now before it creates a health issue down the road.

 

 

Ahh , sometimes l'm glad l'm not married anymore.

Man you can call it a health issue but she'll take it an an she doesn't turn you on anymore issue anyway so if you just call it that instead she'll still take it as an she doesn't turn you on anymore issue.

And it's all your fault no matter what too.

 

l'm afraid to my experience there's only one solution if you don't want an over weight wifey and she won't do anything about it herself..

[ICEMAN69]

My husband was in the military for many years, and fit as they come. He, unfortunately developed a form of rheumatoid arthritis and movement is very painful for him a lot of the time. He gained weight because of this and also some of his meds. , and that makes him down on himself.

 

That doesn't matter to me, as I love him.

 

call me a liar if you want, but that's the way it is ( and no, before you get the idea in your mind that I am overweight too, I'm anything but).

 

If her appearance matters this much to you, I give you credit for at least being honest about it. The problem is that it may not matter that much to her. She may not give as much thought to your appearance as you think, and assumes you feel the same way about her.

 

You don't, but if you feel that, for some reasons that are very valid, you can't be honest with her, she likely won't change. My best suggestion is to frame it in terms of her health. That she may well appreciate.

 

Entirely different circumstances. You're talking about a disability for which there is no cure, only medication and those meds aren't even really good for you given the side effects. And I'm sorry to hear about your husband's condition. If that was the case here my mindset would be completely and totally different because I'd know she's the victim of something beyond her control. But my wife really has nothing keeping her from working toward a healthier her.

 

You're right, it may not matter to her in the overall picture, and the fact that I've let it go over the years without addressing my concerns while hoping she'd just keep it in check has perhaps contributed to the overall problem. But I've never wanted to be that nagging husband who has to have the perfect wife to feed his ego. That's not me. I just want a wife who takes the extra time to care for herself and try to think it terms of being around long term.

[ICEMAN69]

If you're "lucky" she'll be diagnosed with high BP or high cholesterol. When's the last time she had a checkup/bloodwork?

 

She probably went in this past summer. She doesn't have high BP but I have the "just wait" attitude because sedated lifestyles catch up with all of us eventually.

[ICEMAN69]

A fun thread. And I had an idea/suggestion while reading through. I happen to be a big fan of ballroom dancing: it's fun, sexy, a great 'couples thing', something women are stereotypically 'into' (let the gals say whether that's true and why), AND at least reasonable exercise (serious exercise if you really get into it). ICEMAN, are you into it or could you get into it? How about wifey? She isn't a fan of Dancing With the Stars by any chance, which could be a motivator for her?

 

I'm no fan of Dancing with the Stars but I have no issue with going out dancing with my wife. The problem with that suggestion is I believe she needs regular exercise daily (as we all do) and when you take up a hobby like that you might be able to get out once or twice a week.

[ICEMAN69]

People have more trouble losing weight as they get older. And once they get one little thing wrong with them, it can become undoable. Bad feet, anything like that, can make you start gaining. Don't you think she'd like to be thin? Of course she would. But it's not easy when you're fighting nature and age.

 

In her perfect world I'm sure she'd like to be. What I've noticed with my wife throughout the years is she is not strong-willed. She's a hard worker and a great mom but where she falls short is in regard to her personal willpower concerning herself specifically.

 

Your opening line is what really worries me. Because like you, I'm aware that all it takes is one thing to effect your health and then it can all come unraveled like a domino effect. I've seen this happen to relatives over the years. Appear to be fine one day (despite not taking good care of themselves), then a diagnosis followed by another bad diagnosis and then it's pretty much all over.

 

To me, mid 40s is a perfect time to reign it in and reboot your poor habits before it's too late. But that's my attitude and her's is more day to day vs. long term.

[ICEMAN69]

Haha, it's hard! This describes me, and sometimes I feel angry and rebellious about it!

 

Seeing pics of myself helps.....

 

It's all about the first step and re-framing the way you think. We've all seen these makeover shows where people drop 75-100 pounds in a year. The difference between the successful and the unsuccessful comes down to pure will and re-framing how you think about life and yourself.

 

It's funny, right now the gym is full of resolution enthusiast. But by week 4-10 they begin to drop off like flies because they either don't have the motivation or they expect to see this overnight change to undo years of abuse and when they don't see it within 4 to 6 weeks they cave in and go back to their old lifestyles.

 

What they never realize is it's about staying the course and diligently applying that new frame of mind. Those that do see super results 6 months down the road. But I'll bet maybe 2% of the resolution crowd ever achieve what they set out to achieve because they just don't have the will.

[jjgitties]

I dont believe is sustainable or healthy to just drop 100 to 150lbs in a year and expect to keep it off. I think people get lighter gradually. Its a result of a lifestyle change. based on what i am reading, i think a gradual more active lifestyle change and eating habit change might go a long way.

 

some ideas. try going for walks regularly. some people do it after dinner and on weekends e.t.c. if you have not been regularly active you cant go running but you can go for strolls and walks and get fresh air and enjoy the scenery.

 

work on changing what you buy in the household. perhaps look at not buying things that have lots of sugars and fats. and start from there. if you dont have them in the house, its harder to snack on them all the time.

 

FWIW.. i am about 20 ro 30 lbs lighter today that i was in my 20s and 30s. most of it is because i stopped smoking, clubbing and drinking and eating fried foods late at night. this change in weight is a result of a lifestlye change that has been 20 years in the works.

[alphamale]

Any practical advice is welcome. Thanks!

 

dude, an increase in 3 sizes is nothing. i know women who gained 100+ pounds after marriage. consider yourself lucky.

[ICEMAN69]

You know, after all the years of reassuring her that she's beautiful, comments along these lines (no matter how tactfully presented) will not only shatter her self esteem, but also cause her to lose an incredible amount of trust in you.

 

How will she reconcile the man who gave her all these compliments with the man who looks down on her for not having the same self discipline as him? Bitterness and resentfulness may be mild at this point, but she will become aware of that too.

 

Out of curiosity, do you have the financial ability to pay for a PT 3 times a week indefinitely for her? It can't be you because she'll already have lost a lot of trust and faith in you if you raise the issue.

 

Trust me I've been thinking about that for weeks. Me talking to her about this could be a real setback. I don't expect her to have the same self-discipline as me. I'm not even close to looking for that. I just want her to take stock of where she's at and address it however it works for her. If she wants to do it on her own, fine. If she wants to join a group, fine. If she wants me involved, fine. I want to be completely supportive assuming she even buys into the idea. As people grow older they don't like change as I'm sure you're aware. And of course everything hurts a bit more in your mid-40s than it did when you were 35 but that's life. I'm in discomfort when I'm in the gym quite a bit from various injuries over the years but I ask myself, what's the alternative??? And I really don't like the alternative.

 

As far as a personal trainer idea, my gut instinct is I'd probably not go that route. I've seen far too many failures at the gym by men and women who invest hundreds, maybe even a couple thousand looking for a PT to change their lives. The mistake they make is they think a PT will somehow magically transform them. I've never really seen it work, although I'm sure it does from time to time. The successful gym people I've witnessed and known over the years just make up their minds to change their unhealthy lifestyles and then go out and tackle what needs to be done. Trust me, between the books, magazines and just living with me over the years, she has bu-ku resources. But with that said, if she really sought that as an avenue, yes I'd be willing to pay for a PT. I'd never say no if that's really what she felt like she needed. Now that you bring it up, I recall that she did use a PT 3X about 6-7 years ago at the same gym, but again, unless you have the self-sustaining power to motivate yourself independent of anyone else it's pretty tough to see any real success.

[ICEMAN69]

I bet it varies from community to community. But observations from my own 45th high school reunion last summer:

- 50% of everyone, women and guys looked good

- 20% of the grrlz looked GOOOOOD Not quite Christie Brinkley (who is a matter of days older than I am) but good enough that, knowing them, I'd rather show off by walking into a formal party with one of them on my arm than with Christie.

It was an event that woke me up to being 'not dead yet' and the fact that we can fight back pretty effectively against aging at least for a while.

 

You must have a class full of self-aware classmates!

 

I live in a part of the country that is very health-minded according to surveys.

 

Besides, who really is Christie Brinkley? She's an anomaly. Just imagine if I tossed that one out at my wife. "Hey, Christie Brinkley is 60 and she looks better than she did when she was 30!" At that point I'd probably just duck for fear stuff would be thrown at me.

[ICEMAN69]

I dont believe is sustainable or healthy to just drop 100 to 150lbs in a year and expect to keep it off. I think people get lighter gradually. Its a result of a lifestyle change. based on what i am reading, i think a gradual more active lifestyle change and eating habit change might go a long way.

 

some ideas. try going for walks regularly. some people do it after dinner and on weekends e.t.c. if you have not been regularly active you cant go running but you can go for strolls and walks and get fresh air and enjoy the scenery.

 

work on changing what you buy in the household. perhaps look at not buying things that have lots of sugars and fats. and start from there. if you dont have them in the house, its harder to snack on them all the time.

 

FWIW.. i am about 20 ro 30 lbs lighter today that i was in my 20s and 30s. most of it is because i stopped smoking, clubbing and drinking and eating fried foods late at night. this change in weight is a result of a lifestlye change that has been 20 years in the works.

 

I would agree that you take it as a lifestyle change and just work to drop 3-5 pounds a month through healthier decisions and getting up and moving. I was using the example of these really overweight people who go from 300 lbs down to 175 in a year and it's pretty amazing to see what they can accomplish when they get their minds right.

 

Someone else brought up walking in the evening which I'd be fine with but where I reside it's been below zero with windchill's around -25 for a couple weeks. So that would have to be a seasonal thing.

 

The problem is I buy what I eat and she ignores what I buy and she goes out and buys, well, frankly a lot of crap. I am going to try to cook healthier dinners that she might like. Someone else tossed that out at me earlier. Good idea.

 

Your last comment is dead on. It's about lifestyle change. Not a diet, not a fad, but a change in how you look at yourself and go about your daily living.

[ICEMAN69]

dude, an increase in 3 sizes is nothing. i know women who gained 100+ pounds after marriage. consider yourself lucky.

 

Well I could view it that way but since I'm not in that particular circumstance I can only look at my own life and where I'm at with my wife. For my money 100 lbs after marriage would be a deal breaker. I'm not going to sit and watch someone I love eat herself into a casket.

[basil67]

Trust me I've been thinking about that for weeks. Me talking to her about this could be a real setback. I don't expect her to have the same self-discipline as me. I'm not even close to looking for that. I just want her to take stock of where she's at and address it however it works for her. If she wants to do it on her own, fine. If she wants to join a group, fine. If she wants me involved, fine. I want to be completely supportive assuming she even buys into the idea. As people grow older they don't like change as I'm sure you're aware. And of course everything hurts a bit more in your mid-40s than it did when you were 35 but that's life. I'm in discomfort when I'm in the gym quite a bit from various injuries over the years but I ask myself, what's the alternative??? And I really don't like the alternative.

 

You're talking like you have a choice in the matter. You're also sounding somewhat paternalistic. It's one thing to try and motivate your child into healthy habits, but it's another thing altogether to push your views onto an adult who clearly doesn't think like you do.

 

To be honest, the whole "I know better than she does" really does rub up the wrong way. If I'm getting that vibe here, I'm pretty sure she'll get it there.

[elaine567]

I'm not going to sit and watch someone I love eat herself into a casket.

Maybe that is exactly what you need to say.

Speaking for myself, unless it was said cruelly or as some sort of a dig, if I had put on a lot of weight, I would not feel offended if my SO expressed his genuine concern in that way.

You are both getting older and health does get to be an issue, so you are not really speaking out of turn.

[ICEMAN69]

You're talking like you have a choice in the matter. You're also sounding somewhat paternalistic. It's one thing to try and motivate your child into healthy habits, but it's another thing altogether to push your views onto an adult who clearly doesn't think like you do.

 

To be honest, the whole "I know better than she does" really does rub up the wrong way. If I'm getting that vibe here, I'm pretty sure she'll get it there.

 

Having had my share of kids there's a point where they listen and a point where they get older and take your advice sparingly. I understand how it works.

 

Maybe I come off that way about my wife because I've been watching a grown woman select the same foods as a 5th grader for 20 years and yeah, after years of watching that it can begin to weigh on you. I'm somewhere between irritated and sad about the whole thing.

 

It's not that I know better than she does Basil. What we're talking about here is a universal truth about life. Abuse your health and pay the price. Take care of your health and you have much better chances of a long satisfying and even an active lifespan.

 

I'm sure if we surveyed married adults, we'd find few who want to be taking physical care of their spouses rather than living life with them. Sometimes it's beyond us and can't be helped. When it's MS or the aftereffects of a stroke or some debilitating disease, that's an unfortunate and sad part of life. But if it's preventable in terms of how you manage your own health, that's entirely different.

[ICEMAN69]

Maybe that is exactly what you need to say.

Speaking for myself, unless it was said cruelly or as some sort of a dig, if I had put on a lot of weight, I would not feel offended if my SO expressed his genuine concern in that way.

You are both getting older and health does get to be an issue, so you are not really speaking out of turn.

 

Thank you Elaine. I agree. And I would never bring the tone of cruelty, sarcasm, or "taking a shot" over a subject this important to me (and hopefully her).

[SolG]

I'm no fan of Dancing with the Stars but I have no issue with going out dancing with my wife. The problem with that suggestion is I believe she needs regular exercise daily (as we all do) and when you take up a hobby like that you might be able to get out once or twice a week.

 

But you could practice at home as well!

 

Maybe that is exactly what you need to say.

Speaking for myself, unless it was said cruelly or as some sort of a dig, if I had put on a lot of weight, I would not feel offended if my SO expressed his genuine concern in that way.

You are both getting older and health does get to be an issue, so you are not really speaking out of turn.

 

I agree with this. I'd probably feel hurt, but not offended.

 

OP, there's a certain waist circumference that if reached is a harbinger of inevitable health issues such as heart disease and type 2 diabetes. I believe its 85 - 90 cm for a woman. Has your W hit that yet? If so, would that help motivate her to make some changes? Does she want to not onlybe around for the grandkids, but alsobe vital enough to enjoy them? And you into the future?

 

I'm with you on this one. You should not let loved ones make themselves sick. You wouldn't let your children in your care get obese and unhealthy, why would you let a spouse take that route without comment?

 

And not to mention attraction. I'll put it out there. You can love a spouse immensely, but things such as great weight gain can seriously affect attraction and the desire for sex with him/her. And that's not good for the relationship.

 

I personally strongly believe that partners owe it to each other to be as healthy and attractive as they can be. That doesn't mean staying the same over the years; it means always being mindful to make healthy choices and the rest automatically follows.

[ICEMAN69]

But you could practice at home as well!

 

I agree with this. I'd probably feel hurt, but not offended.

 

OP, there's a certain waist circumference that if reached is a harbinger of inevitable health issues such as heart disease and type 2 diabetes. I believe its 85 - 90 cm for a woman. Has your W hit that yet? If so, would that help motivate her to make some changes? Does she want to not only be around for the grandkids, but also be vital enough to enjoy them? And you into the future?

 

That's preciously how I view things. I want to be around and healthy, not just for our kids, but because what's the point of growing old if your quality of life sucks? Unfortunately, for people who have never had do apply any firm discipline to their lives, I'm not sure this is enough for motivation. People like my wife don't really think in terms of taking control of their lives with regard to the things they like to indulge in. I think they see it as "well, maybe I'll be one of the lucky ones where nothing bad happens."

 

85 cm is only 33.5 inches. I'd say yes, she's at least at that point. Where have you seen that study that I can retrieve it?

 

I'm with you on this one. You should not let loved ones make themselves sick. You wouldn't let your children in your care get obese and unhealthy, why would you let a spouse take that route without comment?

 

You and I think very much the same. For those who are critical of where you and I are coming from, it comes down to the simple question, would you have invested in your spouse 20 or 30 years ago if you had known back then that they'd pretty much let themselves go while you have tried to maintain your health? Love is a wonderful thing and it's the glue that keeps the relationship together and it gets you through the tough times, but is love enough to sustain you when you can see someone who isn't the least bit interested in changing their lifestyle and appears to be committing slow suicide?

 

And not to mention attraction. I'll put it out there. You can love a spouse immensely, but things such as great weight gain can seriously affect attraction and the desire for sex with him/her. And that's not good for the relationship.

 

Well, since I posted this question I've had people like yourself agree with my concerns, and then you get those who think I'm a bit over the top because "it's just three dress sizes." But thank you! Yes, of course weight gain affects your desire and how you feel about that person! It doesn't make a person who feels that way superficial. It's just reality and I dare say that anyone being honest who has kept themselves reasonably healthy would admit the same thing if their spouse had put on unnecessary weight over the years. Unless of course it's a couple who threw in the towel mutually and now they're just content being heavy together. And that happens and that's fine for that couple.

 

I personally strongly believe that partners owe it to each other to be as healthy and attractive as they can be. That doesn't mean staying the same over the years; it means always being mindful to make healthy choices and the rest automatically follows.

Yeah, I feel the same way. I've always felt that it's important that I do it for me first, and not for vanity reasons but more because I care about my health and I prefer not to look like the rest of western society which as we all know today overindulges.

 

But if that belief is not innate in a person as it is for you and I, then it's a giant hurdle to get over with the S/O in your life.

 

Thanks, it feels good to get some additional support on this subject.