Spouse's weight - need some suggestions

[ICEMAN69]

OP, I was married to someone overweight for my entire marriage and did everything other than being mean and tough love and nothing really worked with my exW. Whatever actions I took were mostly in response to requests from or conversations started by her about her weight. However, perhaps that's exactly where I failed. She got with a skinny guy (I'm not skinny) while we were divorcing, moved him into the house she got in the D and a couple years later she'd lost weight and, from my interactions with them at that time I found him in general to be an order barker sometimes trending to downright mean. Perhaps that tells me that I'm too 'soft' and was not harsh enough on my spouse to be effective, IDK. In any event, they're still together some 10 years later, unmarried, and he's still living in her house and if she's kept the weight off, she did better than she ever did in the 13 or so years I knew her, and the last ten have been post menopause (she was going through it when we divorced).

 

I have no solutions to offer, just some sympathy and the hope that this doesn't rule you at some point. I never felt her weight was a big deal in our M; was that a mistake? IDK. Every M, and person, is different. The takeaway from MC that I still remember is I'm the only person I can control. We all have free will, and that includes spouses. Hence, you can't control your spouse but can absolutely control you. Where do you want to go? Good luck!

 

Completely agree. I can't control her and I really don't want too. I'd like her to self-regulate herself frankly. I agree completely. I can only control me.

 

I could never be like the "replacement" man in your ex-wife's life. I couldn't be harsh with my wife because I'd never want to hurt her or set her back about how she feels about herself. I'm looking for a positive road she can jump on with regard to this subject. But up to this point she's never really found any motivation to deprive herself of what she likes.

[ICEMAN69]

Well, to be fair, women do the same, just about different things .

 

That typically involves communication between the sexes. Another deep subject that text books could be written about, although I think my wife and I have that one covered pretty well overall.

[littleblackheart]

Well first of all I thank you for not judging me. I knew that there was a risk with this posting and I regret that it may have offended anyone. But my choices were to run this by a couple of female friends of mine and get some feedback, or put it out here on L/S. I figured I'd have more comments and vastly more experiences on L/S so here I am trying to get some insights and some ideas.

 

If I discussed it with her (which I won't for fear I set her back in the self-esteem area) she'd probably admit that she'd love to lose the weight. But in her case, the flesh is weak even if the subconscious will is there. And thus far, the actual will hasn't really been there. Trust me, over the years I've just hoped she'd pick up and do this on her own. But I think by somewhere around 5 years ago I realized she's content and not real motivated in this area.

 

She was never abused but I know her dad and a couple of relationships before I came along probably didn't help her self-esteem very much. I'm sorry about your own abusive ex. I worked in law enforcement for many years and I detested abusive men. It didn't matter if it was physical or mental abuse. I just wanted to beat the living S### out of most of them, although I couldn't because I kind of valued my career.

 

Getting women out of abusive relationships was the one thing I took a lot of pride in, but it was never easy, and so many returned to their abusers because that's all they know after awhile.

 

Anyway, that's a different matter. I'm glad you got out of your situation littleblackheart.

 

Thank you

 

I do think you won't achieve much long-term without broaching the subject with her sensitively and with love before it gets to a point where her perceived lack of motivation is driving a wedge in your marriage, or make you resent her.

 

Again, this whole thing is based on the assumption that she does want to lose weight - she may well be happy enough with herself that she doesn't feel the need to do it. This, of course, is entirely up to her in the end. However much you'd like her to lose weight, if she doesn't want it bad enough herself, there isn't a lot you can do without her active involvement.

[jjgitties]

Well it's funny you bring that up. Recent studies suggest that slight starvation of human beings contributes to human longevity. Different subject entirely but one that's interesting if you youtube it or read about it.

 

well, those particular women i know may be very pretty (oh, btw.. did I mention none of them ever got married or had kids -- still single!) but they skinny ass bones. nothing to them. i am too afraid to hug them too close in case i break them. their body types do zero for me sexually.

[jjgitties]

IMO, FWIW.. you probably want to look at her family and parents and accept that she has a certain type of gene and body type and there is a normal size and weight she is going to be at her age.

 

after that, work on maybe looking at 10 or 20lbs weight loss if thats what it means to be a "healthy" weight for her particular body type. if she isn't from a keira knightley looking family background she isn't ever going to look like keira knightley without massive surgery.

[elaine567]

I'm not sure. I'm not a female. My guess it that it varies somewhat. I think some women strive to look top notch because that's who they are at their core. I've known 80 year old women who still have that attitude and wouldn't dream of going outside the home without looking at the top of their game.

 

Then there are likely those women who are motivated to look good for their boyfriends or husbands as I am for my wife. But the truth is that as time goes by, (in most cases I believe) complacency squeaks in and that's where I think a lot of the problem starts.

 

I'll give you an analogy that's not directly related to my situation, but it hints at the same type of issues I think. How many times have we read negative postings here on L/S about men who reflect back on their dating days or early marriage years about how wonderful the sex was, or how she'd "do things" then that she won't do today? They're often puzzled and confused by the extreme change in personality in their wives.

 

To me this smacks of one of two things. Either those women were doing those things to seal the deal, get married, achieve an agenda of some kind, or they simply became complacent in the relationship and didn't think they had to "work at those things any longer." Mission accomplished, I don't have to perform any longer.

Complacency comes in all forms. The husband who paid all kinds of attention to his girlfriend during courtship a few years later is married and has turned into the overweight slob who watches football games all day and barely acknowledges his wife except when he wants sex. That too is relationship complacency.

 

Does that make sense?

 

I think the sex analogy has some similarities, but is not totally the same.

 

Yes there may be some complacency involved, but there is also as you said.

some women strive to look top notch because that's who they are at their core.

and that I guess is the heart of the matter.

I think actually a lot of women dress up for themselves or sometimes to impress other women too. They didn't buy that designer handbag to impress a man, they bought it as they know other women will recognise it straight away...

They want to look good, they love shoes, clothes and make up, they love the reaction they get from others and it often gets them what they want too, jobs, status, recognition.

I doubt many are primarily doing it for men or the man in their lives as most men although perhaps appreciative do not really understand fully.

 

I also think as women age, they can experience a crisis of confidence, they are no longer the sexy young thing, they put on new clothes and instead of being impressed by how they look, they go "OMG, I look awful."

When that hits, the motivation for "dressing up" can take a nose dive.

Clothes get more casual, they get stretchier, they accommodate the weight gain, they get comfier...

She is no longer "competing" with other women, nor does she feel the need to, as to her mind she will always lose.

[clia]

Clia, I like you're thinking. I'd forgotten this, but you're comments reminded me that about two years ago I began buying those healthy low calorie frozen dinners for her to take to work. I'd pick up 12-15 at a time and toss them in the freezer for her. I never said why, although I assume she read between the lines. She would give me feedback on which ones she liked and which ones she didn't. But after maybe 3-4 months I didn't notice any real changes and I could only assume that her rather unhealthy eating habits aside from what I was buying for her had all but vanquished any of the good that could have come from those 300 calorie frozen dinners I was buying for her.

 

It's been years since I ate one of those low calorie frozen dinners, but I remember they never kept me full for long. It's possible she was snacking more, thus totally eliminating any benefit to the low calorie meal.

 

Maybe you can help show her that there are things to snack on that are healthy, but still good. Try some new recipes and ask her try them -- roasted garbanzo beans, roasted kale chips, vanilla greek yogurt with a little cocoa powder, etc. ("Wow, this is really good! Want to taste?")

 

I really want to go the route you're suggesting. I'd even get a DVD series of aerobics and do it with her if she'd prefer to work out at home. I'm all in to see her adopt a healthier lifestyle and one that keeps her weight under control while making her healthier overall.

 

How I approach it is what's key. I can't say, "hey, how about you get off the couch and off your smartphone for an hour and we go workout." That's the part I'm working on in my mind. How to approach it where she takes it well, it doesn't create a self-esteem setback, and she buys into the long term benefits of adopting a new outlook on life. I personally workout during the day, but I'd happily workout a second time in the evening if that helped her in any way.

 

I like this idea a lot. "Hey, I found this new workout that looks really fun. Want to join me?" Ask her every night. If she declines, go do it anyway and then tell her how great you feel when you are finished. Tell her about how fun/funny/annoying the instructor or some of the people in the background are or how great the music is. Talk positively about the video. I would think that at some point she might join you.

 

However, when she does join you, you run the risk of unintentionally causing her discouragement because you are in much better shape than she is, so you will probably be able to keep up with the workout more. It's imperative that she understands that it's fine to stop and take a break, and that it's fine that she can't do all of the moves yet, it's a process, it takes practice, it's fine for her to do the "easier" version of the moves, etc. Keep the entire workout lighthearted and fun. Express to her that you are finding some of the moves difficult as well. (I might even suggest that you fudge it a little and stop and take some breaks and such even if you don't really need them.)

 

That's kind of why I suggested walking. It's an easy way to get her moving more and she doesn't have to be in great shape to do it. But of course, I understand it's hard to do that now with the weather. (Or is there a track at your gym? If so, you could say you are interested in walking in the evenings around the track at the gym and does she want to join you?)

 

Another thing...do you have a Wii? There is a game called "Just Dance" (with several different variations). You physically do the dance moves to popular songs as shown on the screen and get scored on how accurate you are. It's really fun and let me tell you, it is a pretty great cardio workout. If she likes music or dancing, you might be able to convince her to do something like that with you in the evenings. It's fun and doesn't feel like a traditional workout.

 

At the end of the day, though, she's got to want to do this for herself. If she doesn't enjoy the workouts or enjoy going for walks or enjoy eating healthier, she's not going to keep doing it, no matter how much you try to push it. I personally feel so much better when I work out every day that I feel like if you could just get her into the groove of doing it she might notice a change and want to continue on her own.

[wmacbride]

Yes, of course appearance plays into the equation. I've admitted that's an important part of what concerns me. What spouse doesn't want their S/O to stay on top of their looks? Is that a bad thing? If any married person says to me that they could care less about how their spouse looks, short of two 400 lb people happily consuming 8000 calories a day together in blissful wedlock I'd say they're a liar.

 

My husband was in the military for many years, and fit as they come. He, unfortunately developed a form of rheumatoid arthritis and movement is very painful for him a lot of the time. He gained weight because of this and also some of his meds. , and that makes him down on himself.

 

That doesn't matter to me, as I love him.

 

call me a liar if you want, but that's the way it is ( and no, before you get the idea in your mind that I am overweight too, I'm anything but).

 

If her appearance matters this much to you, I give you credit for at least being honest about it. The problem is that it may not matter that much to her. She may not give as much thought to your appearance as you think, and assumes you feel the same way about her.

 

You don't, but if you feel that, for some reasons that are very valid, you cna't be honest with her, she likely won't change. My best suggetsion is to frame it in terms of her health. That she may well appreciate.

[jjgitties]

OP. It sounds like you are really obsessed with appearance and calorie in take. You really should look at trying to change life style habits to be a little active and prevent health issues. I have much more respect and attraction to heavier women that I see are active and walk around or in gym. They don't actually have to have bodies of a yoga master to be attractive or healthy.

[ICEMAN69]

Thank you

 

I do think you won't achieve much long-term without broaching the subject with her sensitively and with love before it gets to a point where her perceived lack of motivation is driving a wedge in your marriage, or make you resent her.

 

Again, this whole thing is based on the assumption that she does want to lose weight - she may well be happy enough with herself that she doesn't feel the need to do it. This, of course, is entirely up to her in the end. However much you'd like her to lose weight, if she doesn't want it bad enough herself, there isn't a lot you can do without her active involvement.

 

Yep, it's got to be her decision. It crossed my mind today that maybe she's let the issue go because I haven't really made it an issue. In the end, as someone else stated, I can't control anyone but myself and that's fine. I just would prefer she was self-aware and tackle it now before it creates a health issue down the road.

[ICEMAN69]

OP. It sounds like you are really obsessed with appearance and calorie in take. You really should look at trying to change life style habits to be a little active and prevent health issues. I have much more respect and attraction to heavier women that I see are active and walk around or in gym. They don't actually have to have bodies of a yoga master to be attractive or healthy.

 

No, if I was obsessed I would have passed on even dating her, let alone marrying her. How can you equate obsession with a man who marries a woman 25 lbs overweight? If anything I've been very flexible on the issue over the years, but as the years have gone by I've come to realize she's not self-invested in keeping her weight in a healthy place.

 

As I said previously, it's legit to be concerned about wanting to have her around long term and it's not out of bounds to want her to keep her appearance reasonably close to where it was when we married. I say "reasonably" but not exactly where she was at that time. It's a statistical fact that being overweight contributes to a host of diseases and ailments that strike us in middle age. You can look that up if you don't buy into it.

 

A relationship is an investment just as jumping into a 401K is an investment. Do you invest in a stock or a 401K with the attitude that if you lose it all 30 years later that's perfectly acceptable? I don't see marriage as much different. You invest in your spouse and desire longevity for them so you can live out your golden years together traveling and doing things together. While none of us has any guarantee we'll be here tomorrow, we most definitely can increase our chances by being vigilant about our health and fitness when we're younger.

[ICEMAN69]

It's been years since I ate one of those low calorie frozen dinners, but I remember they never kept me full for long. It's possible she was snacking more, thus totally eliminating any benefit to the low calorie meal.

 

Maybe you can help show her that there are things to snack on that are healthy, but still good. Try some new recipes and ask her try them -- roasted garbanzo beans, roasted kale chips, vanilla greek yogurt with a little cocoa powder, etc. ("Wow, this is really good! Want to taste?")

 

I like this idea a lot. "Hey, I found this new workout that looks really fun. Want to join me?" Ask her every night. If she declines, go do it anyway and then tell her how great you feel when you are finished. Tell her about how fun/funny/annoying the instructor or some of the people in the background are or how great the music is. Talk positively about the video. I would think that at some point she might join you.

 

However, when she does join you, you run the risk of unintentionally causing her discouragement because you are in much better shape than she is, so you will probably be able to keep up with the workout more. It's imperative that she understands that it's fine to stop and take a break, and that it's fine that she can't do all of the moves yet, it's a process, it takes practice, it's fine for her to do the "easier" version of the moves, etc. Keep the entire workout lighthearted and fun. Express to her that you are finding some of the moves difficult as well. (I might even suggest that you fudge it a little and stop and take some breaks and such even if you don't really need them.)

 

That's kind of why I suggested walking. It's an easy way to get her moving more and she doesn't have to be in great shape to do it. But of course, I understand it's hard to do that now with the weather. (Or is there a track at your gym? If so, you could say you are interested in walking in the evenings around the track at the gym and does she want to join you?)

 

Another thing...do you have a Wii? There is a game called "Just Dance" (with several different variations). You physically do the dance moves to popular songs as shown on the screen and get scored on how accurate you are. It's really fun and let me tell you, it is a pretty great cardio workout. If she likes music or dancing, you might be able to convince her to do something like that with you in the evenings. It's fun and doesn't feel like a traditional workout.

 

At the end of the day, though, she's got to want to do this for herself. If she doesn't enjoy the workouts or enjoy going for walks or enjoy eating healthier, she's not going to keep doing it, no matter how much you try to push it. I personally feel so much better when I work out every day that I feel like if you could just get her into the groove of doing it she might notice a change and want to continue on her own.

 

Yeah, with regard to recipes, I can give it a try, but she's a very fussy eater. Her eating choices would rival a 10 year olds. We don't have a Wii but I know she liked doing aerobics at one time. She's not really that out of shape per se, and I believe she'd be fine working a light aerobics routine quite honestly. My worry is if she doesn't get into a program at some point, this could become a problem for her down the road though.

 

I appreciate you insights!

[littleblackheart]

Yep, it's got to be her decision. It crossed my mind today that maybe she's let the issue go because I haven't really made it an issue. In the end, as someone else stated, I can't control anyone but myself and that's fine. I just would prefer she was self-aware and tackle it now before it creates a health issue down the road.

 

Yes, sitting her down and gently telling her of your concerns might help her see that you do care about her well-being and health. I would personally feel ambushed by suggestions of going to the gym or 'subtly' changing the diet without actually discussing the heart of the matter first. Also, if she is not feeling her best herself, she may take any of your well-meaning attemps at boosting her self-esteem as patronising and hollow.

 

You do have a right to feel the way you do, and you should be able to express these feelings without feeling guilty, as long as you reassure her that you are speaking out of concern, not because you have lost all attraction or love for her - unless you have, in which case she probably needs to know that too!

 

If you do decide to talk about it, be prepared for a rollercoaster no matter how tactful you are: this is such a sensitive issue that she could react defensively or take it out on you at first, or this may even come as a shock to her if she didn't realise or isn't really concerned about her weight gain. I guess it all depends on how important this issue is to you, that you are willing to take such a gamble.

[preraph]

You cannot expect a woman to stay like they were 20 years ago. Women have more fat than me all over their bodies and because it's more fat, less muscle, it's harder for them to lose it. It is normal for women to gain weight as they get older. She's known you for decades, so she knows what you like and what you don't like, and anything you say to her is going to just be hurtful and damage her self-esteem more. She knows what she looks like. She knows if it would be hard to lose weight (the answer is always yes because it literally takes increasing amounts of exercise ongoing and living with never having a full tummy.)

 

Aside from just inviting her to more active things with no undertones and not overdoing that because she knows what you're up to, I say nothing you should say. And if by chance she has any leg, hip or foot problems, that may keep her from being comfortable with any amount of exercise. Maybe you could invite her on a summer vacation and see if knowing she'd need a bathing suit would scare her into trying to lose a few pounds, but don't expect miracles.

[BC1980]

As I said previously, it's legit to be concerned about wanting to have her around long term and it's not out of bounds to want her to keep her appearance reasonably close to where it was when we married. I say "reasonably" but not exactly where she was at that time. It's a statistical fact that being overweight contributes to a host of diseases and ailments that strike us in middle age. You can look that up if you don't buy into it.

 

Your situation is actually pretty common. If pushed into a corner, women will also admit that they don't want a husband who is slovenly and overweight. Weight and how you keep your health is often a reflection of your inner health. There's not a lot you can do in this situation, but I do think she deserves to know that her weight could be a deal breaker. I think she does at least deserve to know that before she decides that she does not want to invest in her health. She should have all the information before she makes a decision. That's hella difficult to tell someone though, but you are in a tough spot. If you don't tell her, and she doesn't change- you are headed for divorce. You will become bitter and resentful over time. If you do tell her, you'll be accused of not loving her for who she is. *Sigh*

 

Weight is a tough one because women are so self-conscious about. We know that our beauty is our way to control a man, so we are constantly fearful of losing our beauty. It's weird because women also want to feel that they could get a man and keep him at any cost. They don't want to know that there are limits and deal breakers to love. That's a tough truth to lay on someone.

 

I would say to tell her as delicately as possible that it's really becoming a problem, and give her the reasons why. Don't issue an ultimatum. Tell her that you can see this issue is becoming a real personality difference that you are finding hard to reconcile. Because it does run deeper than just her appearance. Like I said, weight and health habits are reflections of what's happening on the inside. Tell her you are willing to help her in anyway she needs help. There are a lot of weight loss programs that are good and teach good eating habits. They can be a bit pricey but are worth it.

[BC1980]

You cannot expect a woman to stay like they were 20 years ago.

 

I agree that you can't expect women (or men) to look like they did 20 years ago, but I also think it's reasonable to expect a partner to keep up with their health and appearance. In a reasonable way. No one is going have the same bikini body they did in college or never develop wrinkles, but there is a difference between letting oneself go and normal aging. From what I can gather, OP's wife has let herself go quite a bit over the years.

[ICEMAN69]

Yes, sitting her down and gently telling her of your concerns might help her see that you do care about her well-being and health. I would personally feel ambushed by suggestions of going to the gym or 'subtly' changing the diet without actually discussing the heart of the matter first. Also, if she is not feeling her best herself, she may take any of your well-meaning attemps at boosting her self-esteem as patronising and hollow.

 

You do have a right to feel the way you do, and you should be able to express these feelings without feeling guilty, as long as you reassure her that you are speaking out of concern, not because you have lost all attraction or love for her - unless you have, in which case she probably needs to know that too!

 

If you do decide to talk about it, be prepared for a rollercoaster no matter how tactful you are: this is such a sensitive issue that she could react defensively or take it out on you at first, or this may even come as a shock to her if she didn't realise or isn't really concerned about her weight gain. I guess it all depends on how important this issue is to you, that you are willing to take such a gamble.

 

Good advice. I do think it's important enough to address. I can be very tactful but I need to convey what my concerns are while enforcing that I love her. I just have to choose the right moment.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Good advice. I do think it's important enough to address. I can be very tactful but I need to convey what my concerns are while enforcing that I love her. I just have to choose the right moment.

 

If you're "lucky" she'll be diagnosed with high BP or high cholesterol. When's the last time she had a checkup/bloodwork?

[ICEMAN69]

You cannot expect a woman to stay like they were 20 years ago. Women have more fat than me all over their bodies and because it's more fat, less muscle, it's harder for them to lose it. It is normal for women to gain weight as they get older. She's known you for decades, so she knows what you like and what you don't like, and anything you say to her is going to just be hurtful and damage her self-esteem more. She knows what she looks like. She knows if it would be hard to lose weight (the answer is always yes because it literally takes increasing amounts of exercise ongoing and living with never having a full tummy.)

 

Aside from just inviting her to more active things with no undertones and not overdoing that because she knows what you're up to, I say nothing you should say. And if by chance she has any leg, hip or foot problems, that may keep her from being comfortable with any amount of exercise. Maybe you could invite her on a summer vacation and see if knowing she'd need a bathing suit would scare her into trying to lose a few pounds, but don't expect miracles.

 

I don't recall her wearing a bathing suit since our honeymoon. Neither of us is big on water sports or pools, but I think I know her well enough to know she'd pass on the bathing suit at this point. Trust me, it's not my intention to be "tricky" or "conniving" in how I approach this. I'm a straight shooter for the most part. I want to be gentle but at the same time make my concerns clear.

[nospam99]

A fun thread. And I had an idea/suggestion while reading through. I happen to be a big fan of ballroom dancing: it's fun, sexy, a great 'couples thing', something women are stereotypically 'into' (let the gals say whether that's true and why), AND at least reasonable exercise (serious exercise if you really get into it). ICEMAN, are you into it or could you get into it? How about wifey? She isn't a fan of Dancing With the Stars by any chance, which could be a motivator for her?

[preraph]

People have more trouble losing weight as they get older. And once they get one little thing wrong with them, it can become undoable. Bad feet, anything like that, can make you start gaining. Don't you think she'd like to be thin? Of course she would. But it's not easy when you're fighting nature and age.

[ICEMAN69]

Your situation is actually pretty common. If pushed into a corner, women will also admit that they don't want a husband who is slovenly and overweight. Weight and how you keep your health is often a reflection of your inner health. There's not a lot you can do in this situation, but I do think she deserves to know that her weight could be a deal breaker. I think she does at least deserve to know that before she decides that she does not want to invest in her health. She should have all the information before she makes a decision. That's hella difficult to tell someone though, but you are in a tough spot. If you don't tell her, and she doesn't change- you are headed for divorce. You will become bitter and resentful over time. If you do tell her, you'll be accused of not loving her for who she is. *Sigh*

 

Weight is a tough one because women are so self-conscious about. We know that our beauty is our way to control a man, so we are constantly fearful of losing our beauty. It's weird because women also want to feel that they could get a man and keep him at any cost. They don't want to know that there are limits and deal breakers to love. That's a tough truth to lay on someone.

 

I would say to tell her as delicately as possible that it's really becoming a problem, and give her the reasons why. Don't issue an ultimatum. Tell her that you can see this issue is becoming a real personality difference that you are finding hard to reconcile. Because it does run deeper than just her appearance. Like I said, weight and health habits are reflections of what's happening on the inside. Tell her you are willing to help her in anyway she needs help. There are a lot of weight loss programs that are good and teach good eating habits. They can be a bit pricey but are worth it.

 

I wouldn't necessarily classify us as heading for divorce, but it does effect how I view her somewhat if I'm being honest. Not simply image but the lack of self-discipline that leads to a healthier lifestyle.

 

The bitterness and resentfulness you suggest is very mild at this point. I suppose if she blew me off on the issue it could become a larger issue for me and where I'm at. But I'm not going to forecast how I'll feel down the road. I have to deal with the hear and now and see how that goes.

[ICEMAN69]

I agree that you can't expect women (or men) to look like they did 20 years ago, but I also think it's reasonable to expect a partner to keep up with their health and appearance. In a reasonable way. No one is going have the same bikini body they did in college or never develop wrinkles, but there is a difference between letting oneself go and normal aging. From what I can gather, OP's wife has let herself go quite a bit over the years.

 

BC, I couldn't agree more. Aging is aging, but letting yourself go is a completely different matter. We're not talking about wrinkles, gray hair, or what gravity does to out bodies. We're talking about something that is well within the control of the individual. And she's still very much within the salvageable range if she gets on top of it now vs. waiting another 3-5 years.

 

I appreciate you understanding. We seem to view this very similarly.

 

For some, the suggestion that getting your weight under control is this insurmountable barrier to be overcome just doesn't seem right to me. I've known women who at age 17 don't have a body much different 20-30 years later. That's rare mind you, but I was just at a class reunion very recently and about 5-10% of the women seemed like they really took care of themselves over the years while the remainder just decided to throw in the towel and give up. That's not a cruel or mean observation, just one that is the blatant truth. And it doesn't help that we all have this lousy American diet to choose from each and every day. By the way, I'd say the same for the guys I went to school with. 90% just let it all fall apart. Just a shame.

 

If we were talking about a medical condition I wouldn't approach it this way. We're talking about something that is well within her control. But how does someone who has never had to discipline themselves suddenly find the ability to apply self-discipline? That's the hurdle assuming I can get her to buy into it.

Edited January 6, 2018 by ICEMAN69

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

But how does someone who has never had to discipline themselves suddenly find the ability to apply self-discipline? That's the hurdle assuming I can get her to buy into it.

 

Haha, it's hard! This describes me, and sometimes I feel angry and rebellious about it!

 

Seeing pics of myself helps.....

[SevenCity]

People have more trouble losing weight as they get older. And once they get one little thing wrong with them, it can become undoable. Bad feet, anything like that, can make you start gaining. Don't you think she'd like to be thin? Of course she would. But it's not easy when you're fighting nature and age.

 

Bad feet doesn't cause you to gain weight. I guy I used to be friends with (who turned into a health nut) said it best:

 

"Losing weight is easy, just burn more calories than you take in"

 

It's really that simple. Someone mentioned never feeling full. I rarely feel full because I don't eat the way I used to. I've kept the weight off I lost after my breakup as a result.

 

If you are super active you will burn your caloric intake. Eat the same when inactive and you will gain weight.

 

OP - the only guys I've heard about who successfully got their wives to lose weight were pretty stern about it. The problem is women are hyper sensitive about weight so there is no way to bring it up that won't be received as hurtful.

 

She seems ok with the way she is. You may have to become ok with it too unless you are willing to take stronger measures.