I had an affair

[BluesPower]

I blamed my husband for my affair. Yup.

 

But I had everything I ever wanted at home except for communication and we are fixing that problem. Nobody deserves to be cheated on. Getting caught is bad. But watching the heart break happen right before your eyes is the most horrible day of my life.

 

Kudos for getting here. The fact that you have gotten to the place that you can admit this is really big.

 

I hope your husband understands this part even as much as he is hurting. Some WW actually never get to this part, and they usually get divorced.

 

Mine did not get here for anything, and so we are divorced. (Thank God)

 

You stand a chance if you continue to get help with your issues, and keep this attitude from now on. In time you will, if not already, you will actually start to feel TRUE REMORSE for what you have done.

 

That will be the point that you can actually feel the pain that your husband has over your affair. It won't feel as bad as he actually does, and did. But getting close to that is one of the most important things that you can do to help him heal.

 

It seems that you are doing well, I hope that your husband is do well also.

 

I am sorry for your abuse. It is a horrific thing to have to go through. At least on your internet it seems like you are starting to feel all of your daemons.

 

Keep working, help your husband heal, and I am guessing that you will be alright.

 

Kudos...

[stillafool]

To answer your original question, did anyone else have a bad affair....are there really any good ones?

 

So even though you and your husband are in MC to get over your affair you are still wanting to talk about your affair on a forum. Are you not over the OM?

[BarbedFenceRider]

I think OP is relating to the fact that the road to recovery and redemption is a long and arduous one. I do think you are doing the heavy lifting for recovery and that everyday will be a struggle. But I want to stress the point as we guys can get very vapid with our outrage and disgust. But you are not a stupid woman. Just emotionally fragile and makes stupid decisions. And you are not the whore of all time. You just had really bad sex with bad people. And I really truly hope for you and your husband....I really want the best for you as couple. Thank you for being honest and make sure everyday that you look in the mirror and ask yourself. If you are being 100% honest with your husband everyday. And how can you be the wife he deserves and the partner he expects. Best of luck.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Gina, this last post of yours is one of the most brutally honest ones I have seen posted on here. I think folks have to give you credit for having survived all that abuse in childhood and lived to tell the tale. I think also, that childhood abuse can distort one's personality horribly, so that one's actions as an adult are not really those of the person one is, at one's core. In any case, this is something that had to happen to bring to the fore, all the pent up hurt and emotional turmoil that was roiling deep within your subconscious mind. It has in a way been cathartic although it hurt your husband so deeply. I only hope that you are truly able to help your husband heal from this terrible event and that you too, are able to truly heal the raw hurt which has been festering within you for so long.

 

Keep up with MC and also IC till you truly feel that you have reached a level of recovery where you can genuinely be yourself and not a caricature of your true self. You will always carry the scars of your abuse and your infidelity but they should only act as reminders of the dangers of where you were and not define who you are any more. Warm wishes.

[GoldenR]

I'm impressed with how you've owned what you did. Seems like you're doing everything you can to recover with your H.

 

I'd like to ask you a question, and please, answer truthfully...

 

If the sex had been mind-blowing, best you've ever had sex, and the OM wanted a real relationship with you, what would you have done?

[Gina70]

I was over the OM after the first time we met. I felt used and I said I would never meet him again. But I did. Not for sex but that happened to ... I can’t say why I didn’t just end it. I had so much guilt. Maybe I was scared. But as far as talking to my H, that has never gone well. He asks questions which are embarrassing and I end up having anxiety attacks. I’m glad he saw that. Instead he would text his questions and I would text back the answers. That reduced that face to face guilt and shame and if I had an attack it wasn’t in front of him. I could wait until it was over and I could think better. Then I would text back. You throw a hugely shameful guilt and humiliation question on someone face to face don’t expect a great answer back right away. Some people’s brain just isn’t wired that way. He text questions could be hurtful. But I deserve them don’t i? Everyone has to find their own way. I’m glad my H saw the problem and worked around it. It allowed me time to think and respond honestly even if it took me all day. Our marrage still has problems. It’s much better than it was before. We decided not to celebrate our anniversary anymore. Because of our problems our old marrage was full of secrets and lies. Our new marrage isn’t. So we start at year 1 all over. We picked Valentine’s Day as our new anniversary. And it will be the first one we celebrate in our new life. All the the things from the past are gone. Pictures. All his awards from work. He cleaned out the memories and we started all over from scratch.

[sandylee1]

Not an affair as such ...but I had a fling with a 6ft 5 inches tall guy and he was small down there. I was very shocked...and he wasn't great in the sack either...but we had good conversations.

 

 

I ended it after 3 occasions...because I wasn't feeling it.

[Cephalopod]

Penis size has nothing to do with how well a guy performs sexually.

 

 

Be that as it may, Gina it sounds like you are on the right track towards making things right with your husband. My suggestion is you should sit down and write out your boundaries, and have your husband sign off on them. Keep them on your mirror as a reminder of what behaviors you allow into your life and those you will not.

[thummper]

Gina, how did your hubby find out what you had done? Did you tell him or did he find other evidence indicating an affair?

[ICEMAN69]

Your first mistake was believing that this guys compliments were authentic. I'm not saying guys don't flatter a girl once in a while and mean it, but let's be honest, there are a lot of predators out there who are just looking to get into a girls pants and they will say pretty much anything to get there.

 

You don't sound that stupid so I'm confused by how you'd fall for the old sweet talk routine. But even more concerning is you sleep with this guy and then do it again after you found him to be less than satisfying sexually and personality wise?

 

How could he have such a psychological grip on you if you were married and had a husband who was better sexually? I'd think you'd have told him after the first dismal failure, "yeah, that was a mistake, see ya!"

[MidnightBlue1980]

I was over the OM after the first time we met. I felt used and I said I would never meet him again. But I did. Not for sex but that happened to ... I can’t say why I didn’t just end it. I had so much guilt. Maybe I was scared. But as far as talking to my H, that has never gone well. He asks questions which are embarrassing and I end up having anxiety attacks. I’m glad he saw that. Instead he would text his questions and I would text back the answers. That reduced that face to face guilt and shame and if I had an attack it wasn’t in front of him. I could wait until it was over and I could think better. Then I would text back. You throw a hugely shameful guilt and humiliation question on someone face to face don’t expect a great answer back right away. Some people’s brain just isn’t wired that way. He text questions could be hurtful. But I deserve them don’t i? Everyone has to find their own way. I’m glad my H saw the problem and worked around it. It allowed me time to think and respond honestly even if it took me all day. Our marrage still has problems. It’s much better than it was before. We decided not to celebrate our anniversary anymore. Because of our problems our old marrage was full of secrets and lies. Our new marrage isn’t. So we start at year 1 all over. We picked Valentine’s Day as our new anniversary. And it will be the first one we celebrate in our new life. All the the things from the past are gone. Pictures. All his awards from work. He cleaned out the memories and we started all over from scratch.

 

Blues was referring to me and yes, you are not alone in having that experience with a mm with ED. There was a lot of discussion at a time on the other board and it was a common theme, men with sexual performance issues whose wives rejected them were definitely more likely to cheat. They treated the other women like garbage because all they really wanted was their wife to pay attention to them. The other women were left feeling pretty used.

 

Why would you (or I) would have been attracted (and gone back for more) to a man like that is a whole other story. I'm sure there are many books written on the topic of why a woman stays with a man who makes her feel bad about herself. But as someone here posted, the important thing is not to ever let yourself get sucked in by some guy's attention and flattery. No decent guy goes after a married woman so you can be assured that whoever is pursuing you, it's not a great guy.

 

As an aside, I don't like hearing your husband threw out his awards and you changed your anniversary date. You can't erase the past. Even if you throw all your possessions away and move across the country, the trouble is your thoughts and feelings. You just have to work through those and there are no shortcuts.

[JustJoe]

Gina....few affairs are completely good or completely bad. It's what we learn from them that is important.

My affair was wonderful sexually, but horrible mentally. After it ended, we both (my MW and I) learned the lessons it taught. We have been married for several years and have 3 biological kids and three adopted kids and have sex as often as the kids will give us time. :) Like my old uncle used to say, "It all comes out in the wash".

[Just a Guy]

Hi Justjoe, can you please elaborate for the others on here what were the specific lessons you and your MW learnt from your affair? What were the takeaways? How long ago was your affair and have you and your wife reconciled mostly? I guess a full reconciliation will never be possible but like Mrs. John Adams is won't to say, she and her husband have been in reconciliation for 33years and it is still a work in progress! Guess it is tough to deal with the fallout of an affair. Warm wishes.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

We decided not to celebrate our anniversary anymore. Because of our problems our old marrage was full of secrets and lies. Our new marrage isn’t. So we start at year 1 all over. We picked Valentine’s Day as our new anniversary. And it will be the first one we celebrate in our new life. All the the things from the past are gone. Pictures. All his awards from work. He cleaned out the memories and we started all over from scratch.

 

I did the same thing. All pictures and mementos from the wedding and first 10 years of our marriage have been removed. Only pics of our daughters through the ages remain in sight. I don't acknowledge our wedding anniversary. I tried for the first few years after D-Day; I couldn't do it. We made Easter our new anniversary date because D-Day was on Easter.

 

Over the years my brain has rewired itself not to have any memories of those years. If I want to recall a memory, I have dig very deep into a mental vault to find them. Over the past Christmas I drove by the church where we got married. Initially I couldn't remember if that's where we got married. I had to think about it for 5 minutes.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Betrayed&stayed, I guess the mind has it's own form of morphine to help suppress the emotional pain which otherwise would be intolerable. I think that is one of the reasons people say that Time is a great healer. I sometimes wonder how WS who have been remorseful and have reconciled with their spouses deal with the bits and pieces of their shattered marriages as they try and rebuild it, knowing all the while that their spouses are undergoing insufferable pain from the effects of what they did. I think for both the BS and the WS the affair is a personal hell they could do without. Just a thought. Warm wishes.

[aliveagain]

There is no such thing as a good affair. All affairs do is leave you wondering about what your life would have been like if you just hadn't betrayed your partner and family. Affairs are life changing, you can never go back to who you were or I should say, who you believed you were. Today, I have zero tolerance for infidelity when it comes to me. I have one simple philosophy(It took being cheated on by three different women to decide on my tolerance level) if you cheat on me you don't deserve to be in my life.

 

Very often we see betrayed spouse's staying in the relationship because they are too afraid to start again. Trust me when I say this, your infidelity will never be forgotten regardless if they stay or leave you. As the betrayer, the onus will be on you to make them feel safe if you want the marriage to survive. That often means compromising yourself, doing things that might make you feel uncomfortable. No one wins, the memory of the pain caused will stay with you for your lifetime. Get the necessary help you need to deal with childhood traumas you experienced because until you do you are a risk to your partner or any future partner if this relationship doesn't survive. Work on yourself.

Edited January 17, 2018 by aliveagain

[TrustedthenBusted]

I did the same thing. All pictures and mementos from the wedding and first 10 years of our marriage have been removed. Only pics of our daughters through the ages remain in sight. I don't acknowledge our wedding anniversary. I tried for the first few years after D-Day; I couldn't do it. We made Easter our new anniversary date because D-Day was on Easter.

 

Over the years my brain has rewired itself not to have any memories of those years. If I want to recall a memory, I have dig very deep into a mental vault to find them. Over the past Christmas I drove by the church where we got married. Initially I couldn't remember if that's where we got married. I had to think about it for 5 minutes.

 

 

B&S, I was like this for awhile. Didn't want to acknowledge ANYTHING from the past. No pictures, no stories, no nothing. And when it DID come up, like in conversations with friends, I always made it a point to be extra silent so that my wife understood this story took place during a difficult time for me.

 

But then I decided that wasn't doing anyone any good. The fun memories from those years WERE ACTUALLY FUN, and the nice times were nice. And even the loving times were loving. it was my history, and my good memories, and I wasn't going to let some insignificant idiot from a place she doesn't even work anymore destroy a decade of my memories.

 

Take those memories back. They are yours. Some of them are bad, but don't give up large chunks of your history over them.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hi Justjoe, can you please elaborate for the others on here what were the specific lessons you and your MW learnt from your affair? What were the takeaways? How long ago was your affair and have you and your wife reconciled mostly? I guess a full reconciliation will never be possible but like Mrs. John Adams is won't to say, she and her husband have been in reconciliation for 33years and it is still a work in progress! Guess it is tough to deal with the fallout of an affair. Warm wishes.

 

I think Justjoe married his MW, that is what he means.

[Gina70]

It’s still a hard road. He has something he says are anxiety attacks. Sometimes he wakes up at night with them. My life has changed so much. I hate to say but my hysterectomy has taken away much of my sexual feelings. It couldn’t of happened at a worst time. My H has increased his sex drive and mine has dropped through the floor. I had a hard time during perimenopause but it also increased my sex drive. For a year I couldn’t get enough. Me and H went at it several times a day. I became super multi orgasmic. Then I had to get a hysterectomy. Im on estrace and it helps but I rarely feel horny anymore. I can get excited but not on my own. It’s kind of depressing and I think my H didn’t need that at this time. But there is nothing I can do about it. I wish I could. Menopause at 47 is the pits. I went from 105 pounds to 130. My hair is everywhere. But my depression and horrible mood swings have stopped. And I’m glad about that. Maybe it’s my punishment for being a bitch. And I was... but I wonder now if H isn’t going through his own midlife crisis. Oh my I’m so sleepy.

[Gina70]

I'm impressed with how you've owned what you did. Seems like you're doing everything you can to recover with your H.

 

I'd like to ask you a question, and please, answer truthfully...

 

If the sex had been mind-blowing, best you've ever had sex, and the OM wanted a real relationship with you, what would you have done?

 

I don’t honestly know. This was never about the sex. I never wanted to have sex. But we had talked about it online for months. He was 9000 miles away. Then he just showed up. I felt panicked and obligated as I had agreed we should “hook up” as he called it, but I never thought I’d really ever see him. It was an online fantasy I was hooked to. A fantasy some handsome guy liked me. Thought I was pretty. I then he showed up. I never wanted a relationship with him. I guess he came along when I needed my husband the most. But my husband was busy with a new contract. I fell for the other guys BS. But over time he changed into a controlling monsters. I never at any time wanted to leave my H.

[Jamess1]

If your wife cheats on you : firstly you ask her if she was raped, if the answer is no, you divorce her. It's much easier and altimately more fulfiling to start all over again than it is to try rebuilding such a marriage. Not divorcing is a form of avoidance, and buffering, everything in man, his biology, his psyche, his being confirms to him that if a woman commits adultery he has to let her go.

 

It's usually hard at first, depending on how a man understands the 'female nature' and ' intersexual dynamics' but if he puts in the work and recreates himself, it will be the most rewarding growth and experience of his life.

 

A man who isn't willing to let go, to risk, to break can not grow. After ending a long-term-rationships 2 years ago, i have grown as a man, the quality of women and relationships i now have are by far more satisfying : I no longer understand why it was hard letting go back then.

[MickeyBill]

I don’t honestly know. This was never about the sex. I never wanted to have sex. But we had talked about it online for months. .

 

Whenever anyone says that I think of the old adage that when someone says "It's not about the money" It's about the money. Don't kid yourself.

[Cephalopod]

It’s still a hard road. He has something he says are anxiety attacks. Sometimes he wakes up at night with them. My life has changed so much. I hate to say but my hysterectomy has taken away much of my sexual feelings. It couldn’t of happened at a worst time. My H has increased his sex drive and mine has dropped through the floor. I had a hard time during perimenopause but it also increased my sex drive. For a year I couldn’t get enough. Me and H went at it several times a day. I became super multi orgasmic. Then I had to get a hysterectomy. Im on estrace and it helps but I rarely feel horny anymore. I can get excited but not on my own. It’s kind of depressing and I think my H didn’t need that at this time. But there is nothing I can do about it. I wish I could. Menopause at 47 is the pits. I went from 105 pounds to 130. My hair is everywhere. But my depression and horrible mood swings have stopped. And I’m glad about that. Maybe it’s my punishment for being a bitch. And I was... but I wonder now if H isn’t going through his own midlife crisis. Oh my I’m so sleepy.

 

 

You need to make some hard choices. First, you need to ask yourself if you have what it takes to be a good wife to this man. If you cannot muster up the drive to be sexual with him then it may be better if you let him go.

 

 

You also need to ask yourself if you really want to be his wife anymore. Because I'm not seeing in the way you write about your husband that you hold him in very high regard. I'm sorry but I just don't see much in the way of loving feelings for him.

[Overtaxed]

I'll never understand why individuals who say the affair is so bad, keep it going. In this case for nearly 2 years. Mostly I hear this from women. Maybe being a man is why I don't get. To use Dr Phil's line: "What was your payoff?" If it was sooo bad, you had to be receiving something in return. What was it?

 

You've had 3-5 years to self-reflect and work on yourself; and yet you still don't know why.

 

I literally have thought exactly the same thing 100's of times about my W's A. You didn't want more sex, the sex wasn't that good and made you feel bad and everything he told you was a lie that was so paper thin that you could see through it on a moonless night. So.. Why did you do this again?

 

I really do suspect it's a man/woman thing. I think a lot of women don't get that a man would really do all this for 10 minutes in bed and an orgasm. Just like many men, myself included, can't understand that our wives would do this for someone to tell them they are pretty.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I think if any woman jumps into bed with a man not her husband just to hear him tell her how pretty she is, is a sad apology for a woman. If one cannot respect ones self enough to have a need for others to stroke one's ego, then it indicates a deep disorder within oneself which needs to be addressed by an appropriate professional. It is a sad position to be in because if you are mentally and emotionally so low on strength and self esteem, your love for your spouse too, is questionable. The fact remains that if you cannot love yourself how can you love someone else?

 

Gina, someone suggested that you do not really love your husband. Please do a deep introspection and determine if this is true or not. If it is then set your husband free even if he opposes it initially. If not true then strain every fibre in your being to love him and ensure he knows it. That is the only way you can get out of this hole that you have dug for yourself. Best wishes.