I had an affair

[Gina70]

I did and I know it was wrong. I was found out and have been paying for it for three years now. It was a time when I had really bad mental problems. I blamed my husband at the time even tho I know it wasn’t his fault. I have very low self esteem and depression. I met an old coworker online one day. Didn’t really know him but when we worked together the girls used to talk about how handsome he was. He started flirting and I told him I was married.

 

Weeks later he came back and started telling me how beautiful I was. I was so flattered he would choose me over those other girls. We flirted for months then sexting and sharing pictures. I felt safe cause he was overseas. Well one day he just showed up. I was panicked and felt trapped. Well we had sex twice while he was here and once more a few months later. In person he wasn’t so charming. The sex was awful. He’s a big man well over 6 foot. But when the clothes came off his penis was very much smaller than in his pictures he sent. Basically no forplay and he had erectile dysfunction and had to masterbate frequently. I felt used.

 

But afterward he texted and bragged how great the sex was. I just couldn’t tell him he sucked. So I said it was “good”. That sent him off bragging how he “tore it up” which is true cause it hurt very much. I guess it’s different for guys. He didn’t even ejaculate that I can remember. I sure didn’t get anything out of it. The affair lasted almost two years. The first part I really liked him. I liked the kudos not the sex. Time went on and he wanted video chat so he could masterbate. He would hound me for pictures until I gave in.

 

The last year I hated the affair. He made me feel cheap and humiliated. But I could never say no. I wanted to end it but just couldn’t say the words. I hoped he would lose interest. But he always popped back up. By then I didn’t even like the guy. I don’t know if I was scared, or if my head just wouldn’t let me believe this guy was using me, or what. But I got caught. And my husband was crushed. At the same time I felt a huge relief that it was over. I wanted it to end so badly but I was to much of a coward. My question is has anyone else had an experience like mine? I read about this great affair sex others have but not in my case. It was degrading and I never wanted it to begin with. Yet I did it. And I felt awful about it. But I went back and got humiliated two more times. I don’t understand why he thought it was so great. He was a divorced 45 year old man.

 

The third time we had sex he asked how it was. I told him I had better at home. His mouth dropped and he yelled at me “you know it was good!” The third time I hurt for a long time after it was over. But I told the truth, my husband is better by far. But that didn’t stop him from texting later telling me how great it was. And every text message after that the first thing he would ask was how good he was in bed. I would just say good to keep him happy.

 

Looking back I realize just how stupid this whole thing was. I just wanted to feel pretty. And for a few month I really felt I was. How dumb I was to fall for it. Anyway I must quit rambling. Just wondering if anyone else had a bad affair also. Please don’t beat me up. I already know it was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. I didn’t want it to go as far as it did. It got out of control and I couldn’t stop it. I don’t know why.

Edited January 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[wmacbride]

it sounds to me like you were both using each other. if you don't mind a piece of advice that will really help you in the long term, it's this.

 

Don't blame this man for your cheating, as that may well drive the wedge between you and your husband that will never go. Juts as it would be foolish for this om to whine about how you lured or seduced him and he couldn't say "no", you kept the affair going because you wanted to.

 

The sooner you accept that, the sooner you take your power back. You will be able to start making better decisions, and figure out why you cheated in the first place.

 

I don't think you are a terrible person or doomed to cheat over and over...I think you are someone who has a lot of perosnal issues, which contributed to some bad choices. Knowing that, what will you do to move forward into the future?

 

In a way, this could be an opportunity to you to work on the things in your life that are making you unhappy. If your husband is willing, it can also be a chnace, once he has healed and sees you working hard to make personal changes, to come together to make your marriage as great as it can be a build a strong foundation.

 

Leave this guy, and the motives behind what he did, in the rear view mirror. it really doesn't matter, and wasting mental energy on it will keep you in a place you don't want to be.

[BluesPower]

Well one of our posters here... had a similar experience. The sex was awful. MidnightBlue is her user name. You can read her threads.

 

It does not happen too often, it is usually the reason these things start.

 

The woman want more attention than she is getting at home, she likes the flattery and she will give it up to keep that fantasy alive.

 

But just think how hard it would have been if the sex was great.

 

So what did your husband do and are you reconciling.

 

More importantly, do you know how to reconcile.

 

If you don't know then start reading the McDonald book "How to help your spouse heal from your affair".

 

That is the first thing you need to read.

 

I guess you have learned your lesson, about your affair, but what about your marriage.

 

And BTW, your husband does not believe that the sex was awful and he probably never will. You know you have emasculated him to the core, don't you?

 

Start reading and start putting your life back together. It can be done...

[Imajerk17]

I did and I know it was wrong. I was found out and have been paying for it for three years now. It was a time when I had really bad mental problems. I blamed my husband at the time even tho I know it wasn’t his fault. I have very low self esteem and depression. I met an old coworker online one day. Didn’t really know him but when we worked together the girls used to talk about how handsome he was. He started flirting and I told him I was married.

...

 

 

I always find myself wondering how someone who embarks on an affair has "low-self-esteem". I think saying it is a cop-out, and that the problem really is the opposite. I mean, you may have wanted more validation. But the real problem is that you FELT ENTITLED to go do what you did--step outside your marriage--to get that validation. You felt deep down that you personally deserved to have MORE than you really did deserve to have--OM as well as your marriage to get your ego kibbles, the hell with your husband and the vows you took and his feelings.

 

Your husband is probably furious with you at the moment, and rightfully so. You still seem to be not getting it, seeming more concerned about YOUR pain. Do you even get your H's devastation after his entire world got torn apart. You don't mention that in your post. I am also wondering how things would have gone down if the sex were truly good.

 

Meanwhile you do need to dig deeper into your why's, why you felt it was OK for you to betray your husband as you did.

Edited January 4, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Mr Blunt]

Gina

It is now time for you to be very resolute and dedicated to building up your self-integrity and character. Get all the help that you can get from every source; family, faith, friends, professionals, etc.

 

 

You tell us that the reason you betrayed your marriage was that you have low self-esteem and wanted to have someone tell you that you are pretty. You must never allow yourself to sell yourself so cheaply ever again. That means that you must be very determined for a very long time to take the right actions so that your character and integrity rules your life rather than succumbing to low self-esteem. Just about everyone I know has had some low self-esteem at some time in their life so make sure that low self-esteem is always overruled by your determination to follow your morals, integrity, and good character.

 

 

This forum can be of some help but in the end you are the one that must take the intuitive to get the right help and take the right actions for a very long time. You can take this advice and act or you can continue to feel “cheap and humiliated”

 

Millions of women have gotten a LOT better and so can you!

Do not cop-out on yourself.

[TrustedthenBusted]

My wife had an affair like yours. She soaked up all these sweet nothings, and then kept a journal detailing how much she hated the sex and was grossed out by him, and disgusted with herself. She kept asking herself why she would allow this to keep going.

 

When I caught her, she lied and tried to tell me he was someone else, someone handsome and successful, because she was ashamed of who she was with.

 

Even in their emails about me, she spoke relatively highly of me. I think just to sort of let him know that she knew he was not better than me.

 

The whole thing was pathetic.

[Buriall]

@TB so what she spoke highly of you? she still went for another test drive..sure sounds pathetic.. are you still with the same wife? just curious, you dont have to answer if you dont want to.

[mikeylo]

You were found out. By your husband ? Even after 3 years, it seems like you haven’t made any progress. Are you divorced? Reconciling?

[stillafool]

I always find myself wondering how someone who embarks on an affair has "low-self-esteem". I think saying it is a cop-out, and that the problem really is the opposite. I mean, you may have wanted more validation. But the real problem is that you FELT ENTITLED to go do what you did--step outside your marriage--to get that validation. You felt deep down that you personally deserved to have MORE than you really did deserve to have--OM as well as your marriage to get your ego kibbles, the hell with your husband and the vows you took and his feelings.

 

Your husband is probably furious with you at the moment, and rightfully so. You still seem to be not getting it, seeming more concerned about YOUR pain. Do you even get your H's devastation after his entire world got torn apart. You don't mention that in your post. I am also wondering how things would have gone down if the sex were truly good.

 

Meanwhile you do need to dig deeper into your why's, why you felt it was OK for you to betray your husband as you did.

 

I agree plus the low self esteem always makes them go for the good looking men. One would think if you have self esteem problems you wouldn't think you were good enough to get involved with a good looking person. People need so much validation these days.

[usa1ah]

Why is it that cheaters think everything should go back to normal after the fact. Like it’s no big deal that they lied and broke their promise to their spouse/SO.

 

It doesn’t matter how long after the fact, some people never get over the pain, hurt, lying and the big FU.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

The sex was awful

I felt used.

I sure didn’t get anything out of it.

The affair lasted almost two years.

The last year I hated the affair. He made me feel cheap and humiliated.

It was degrading and I never wanted it to begin with.

 

I didn’t want it to go as far as it did. It got out of control and I couldn’t stop it. I don’t know why.

 

I'll never understand why individuals who say the affair is so bad, keep it going. In this case for nearly 2 years. Mostly I hear this from women. Maybe being a man is why I don't get. To use Dr Phil's line: "What was your payoff?" If it was sooo bad, you had to be receiving something in return. What was it?

 

You've had 3-5 years to self-reflect and work on yourself; and yet you still don't know why.

[Buckeye2]

Didn’t really know him but when we worked together the girls used to talk about how handsome he was. I was so flattered he would choose me over those other girls.

 

The above is validation on steroids. Not only are you getting attention but your peers would be envious of you.

 

I think some people consider themselves so lucky that they can’t pass it up even if they weren’t looking for it. It’s like a bag of money falling out or an armored car in front of them. They didn’t need the money and would never steal but they would feel foolish passing it up.

[TrustedthenBusted]

@TB so what she spoke highly of you? she still went for another test drive..sure sounds pathetic.. are you still with the same wife? just curious, you dont have to answer if you dont want to.

 

Believe me... she didn't earn any brownie points with me for speaking highly of me while in bed with an idiot from work.

 

I only brought it up to highlight that there are some affairs that happen for reasons OTHER than just "taking a test drive" or that some OM is a better option. Many women, particularly those with self esteem issues, often have to tolerate having sex with someone they don't really like in order to keep the compliments and the attention and adoration coming, which is really what they feed on.

 

 

Yes, for the sake of the children we worked at getting to the bottom of why she did what she did, and we reconciled. It was a long, slow, painful process that I would never have even considered had we not had young kids.

[wmacbride]

The above is validation on steroids. Not only are you getting attention but your peers would be envious of you.

 

I think some people consider themselves so lucky that they can’t pass it up even if they weren’t looking for it. It’s like a bag of money falling out or an armored car in front of them. They didn’t need the money and would never steal but they would feel foolish passing it up.

 

This an interesting point.

 

Many, if this scenario happened to them,would pick up the bag of cash and return it, as to keep it would still be stealing.

 

The same goes for flattery and validation. Some married people can accept it with a "thank you" but never let it go any further or encourage more. Others will feel it's not appropriate and shut it down. Still others will keep feeding into the situation and let it continue, all the while saying " I don't know how this happened".

[Buriall]

Believe me... she didn't earn any brownie points with me for speaking highly of me while in bed with an idiot from work.

 

I only brought it up to highlight that there are some affairs that happen for reasons OTHER than just "taking a test drive" or that some OM is a better option. Many women, particularly those with self esteem issues, often have to tolerate having sex with someone they don't really like in order to keep the compliments and the attention and adoration coming, which is really what they feed on.

 

 

Yes, for the sake of the children we worked at getting to the bottom of why she did what she did, and we reconciled. It was a long, slow, painful process that I would never have even considered had we not had young kids.

 

Happy for you things worked out for you inthe end.

 

good point "Many women, particularly those with self esteem issues, often have to tolerate having sex with someone they don't really like in order to keep the compliments and the attention and adoration coming, which is really what they feed on. "

 

I think this is what happened to me. Even though she never said I was bad in bed to me personally..I found out in her diary where she mentioned another guy who is good in bed..this made me think I'm the worst guy..such terrible feeling I carry to this very day...thank you for the insights

[harrybrown]

if you are still reading, do you feel any remorse for your H's pain?

 

how would you feel if he had an A?

 

or are you no longer together?

 

hope you find some IC to help.

[Gina70]

Many thanks for your reply’s. First off I didn’t see this guy everyday. In the two years this went on he showed up twice. It was mostly a texting type of relationship. The times he did show up I guess I felt I had to do it. It’s hard to explain. Yes I liked the guy. He had such sweet words...that’s what I fell for. I didn’t know the real him. I saw bits and pieces of the real him. Of course he showed more of the true him toward the end. Online affairs are not with that person but what they project themselves to be. I never knew him. After two years I didn’t even know where he really lived. He was just a romantic online fantasy.

 

Yes my husband was crushed. He fell apart. Got locked up for suicide watch. My world came crashing down. I couldn’t believe the pain I caused. Most cheaters I guess don’t think about that until it happens. We have been going to M/C for years. I am with him everyday. I gave up my social media, put my email on his phone so he can read everything I get. I got life 360 on my phone so he can see where I am at all times. If I go to the store I tell him where I’m going and I send a picture when I get there. I don’t go out except with him. And that has been wonderful. We go out more now together than when we were kids. Key here is we are having fun.

 

I have learned to communicate better. I hid the fact I was sexually abused for may years as a child. I never told anyone. But in M/C it came out. I thought I could handle it but I saw how it had affected my marrage over decades. My husband got angry over it. He knew there was a problem with our sex life our entire marrage and he had accepted it was his fault when in fact it was me. I did have problems. I had flashbacks at times. Usually at the worst of times. But I hid it. I was just to ashamed I guess. Anyway I’m being seen for that also. The depression and anxiety attacks.

 

And yes bad sex in affairs does happen. I admit it was exciting the first minute. Them everything just shut off. I kept thinking I shouldn’t be here. And the sex sucked and I felt dirty and ashamed while it was happening. But I went back two more times. Yes I did and it got worse.

[GoldenR]

To answer your original question, did anyone else have a bad affair....are there really any good ones?

[Gina70]

You are correct...if I could turn back time.

[misspalmy]

we all make mistake. shouldnt matter if its a mw or ow

[Just a Guy]

Hi misspalmy, sorry but it's not a mistake. It's a choice, a bad one but still a choice. Warm wishes.

[Mr Blunt]

By Gina

Yes my husband was crushed. He fell apart. Got locked up for suicide watch. My world came crashing down. I couldn’t believe the pain I caused. Most cheaters I guess don’t think about that until it happens. We have been going to M/C for years. I am with him everyday. I gave up my social media, put my email on his phone so he can read everything I get. I got life 360 on my phone so he can see where I am at all times. If I go to the store I tell him where I’m going and I send a picture when I get there. I don’t go out except with him. And that has been wonderful. We go out more now together than when we were kids. Key here is we are having fun

Your words in bold above tell me that you and your husband are recovering; am I right?

 

 

Gina, are you now strong enough that you will no longer lower yourself because someone flatters you? That kind of flattery that your OM used on you is the cheapest and an easy way to use a weak woman for selfish purposes. I am surprised as how often it works. This has been a known fact for over 2000 years but it stills works often.

 

 

Proverbs 26:28

28 Flattery is a form of hatred and wounds cruelly.

[drifter777]

...I didn’t see this guy everyday. In the two years this went on he showed up twice.

How could you have had sex with him so many times if you only saw him twice?

[Just a Guy]

Hi drifter, I guess her PA was limited to just those two visits. Seems like it was mostly an EA. Just a thought. Warm wishes.

[Gina70]

I met him the first time he came here twice. First time was in his car which didn’t last long... ED issues and the police drove by. And them again in his hotel room... that didn’t last long also. The third time we met was months later when he came the second time... I was planing on ending it that time. Face to face and I thought I was brave enough to do it. But when I got there he was drunk and I was scared. I told him no but he just grabbed me and did it anyway. Took 20 minutes for the pain to go away. I drove home calling myself all kinds of names. But I didn’t stop. The texting lasted eight more months. I guess I was a coward.

 

What I didn’t tell you was the second “fling” I had. It was a friend of my affair partner. He showed up for a week and did the same thing. How pretty I was. I ended up in his hotel room at midnight. But this time I felt scared. And he kissed me and I said no. No I can’t do this. And I left feeling ashamed and stupid for going there but yet happy I had turned him down. I drove home scared. Ashamed and proud of myself for finally saying no. I wish I could have done that with the other guy. Later I found out my AP had shared my pictures with him and told him I was a slut. So I guess he showed up thinking he would get laid easy. That made me feel so cheap and horrible. But then again I was wasn’t I? Afterward I guess he was angry for not getting sex so he called me a slut and a whore. Kinda crappy of me but I got angry and sent the whole weeks worth of his text messages (begging for sex) to his wife. I know it was an awfull thing to do but I was angry.

It’s been three years since d-day. My H and I still have problems but our marrage is better. I am still in MC and also in therapy for my issues with my childhood sexual abuse. I have a long way to go.

 

I blamed my husband for my affair. Yup. And that was wrong. It took me a long time to take responsibility for what I did. It wasn’t his fault. It was my choice. He had hangups over the other man. I guess most men do. But In reality the man was a nobody. Somebody who flattered the ego of an insecure woman. He was nothing compared to my H. Not even close. But I guess men have a hard time believing that. Men think about the sex more than anything. Well it sucked. I didn’t want to do it but it happened. I wish to god it had never happened. That’s the truth. But MC and therapy have helped me see I am pretty and I don’t have to fall for men’s BS to feel beautiful. I was screwed up most of my life. But I had everything I ever wanted at home except for communication and we are fixing that problem. Nobody deserves to be cheated on. Getting caught is bad. But watching the heart break happen right before your eyes is the most horrible day of my life. Cheaters are selfish and I can tell you consequences never enter your mind when your starting an affair. That’s how screwed up your head gets. My H and my kids. I never thought about what this would do to them. I guess it’s a form of fog. But afterwards when it hits home......you destroy the ones you love. And I have been begging my H and god everyday since. Don’t have an affair. It solves nothing. If I had sought help when I needed it this would not have happened and I wish it had never happened. But it did. An I admit I let this man turn me into a cheat slut for what? Kudos? How stupid was I? I almost lost decades of my life with a man who loves me and put up with my problems for kudos and bad sex.... I am the prime example of stupid. I thank god my husband gave me a second chance. I didn’t deserve it. But I thank god he gave me a good Christian man. A man who can forgive a whore. And that’s what I was. I traded sex for kudos. I won’t ever let myself be that woman ever again.

 

And one day I will have the strength to face some of my abusers from my childhood. Not all of them but at least my family members. I want to face them and tell them how they hurt me and screwed up my life. In a way I have forgiven them but I just want to face them and say it to their faces. I want them to know the hundreds of rapes I endured where horrible. I never had a childhood. They took that away from me. And I’ve lived with the memories for 40 years. So I am and have been a screw up. But one day I will be healed. And I hope I say I have a marrage that is healed. It’s getting there and I’m happy. Oh my I have rambled to long. That’s embarrassing and I have to get my kids to school. Please forgive my rants.