Was I wrong to be angry?

[VentiMan]

I hope I'm not taking over this thread but what does split me black, split me white mean?

 

And also did you find something that helped you recover from the emotional turmoil?

[Estuarykid]

Thank you, Expat. I take a lot of comfort in what you say - that, even though it wasn't my most shining moment, it was a very authentic one for me. It is easy to beat oneself up over anger, but it is a natural and real emotion - a valid way of communicating. My burst of intense pain, bottled up for so many reasons, reflected how I felt and was my own truth.

[Estuarykid]

I hope I'm not taking over this thread but what does split me black, split me white mean?

 

And also did you find something that helped you recover from the emotional turmoil?

 

Not at all! I think it means the ex seeing us as all bad or all good.

 

I am not sure I am recovered yet. There are lots of little things that add up to a recovery for me, including, importantly, this forum and this thread and learning about BPD.

[Downtown]

What does split me black, split me white mean?

As Kid explained above, it means "the ex seeing us as all bad or all good." BPDers can flip -- in less than a minute -- from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you). And they can flip back again just as quickly. These rapid flips arise from "black-white thinking."

 

Like a young child, a BPDer is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate). A BPDer therefore has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships. She therefore will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me").

 

Moreover, she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. This B-W thinking also will be evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...." Because a BPDer's close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have really close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away).

 

You will see this all-or-nothing behavior numerous times a day in a four year old. A young girl who adores Daddy while he's bringing out the toys can flip, in a few seconds, to hating Daddy when he takes one toy away.

[Marc878]

Way to much drama. There are others without issues. Move on

[VentiMan]

As Kid explained above, it means "the ex seeing us as all bad or all good." BPDers can flip -- in less than a minute -- from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you). And they can flip back again just as quickly. These rapid flips arise from "black-white thinking."

 

Like a young child, a BPDer is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate). A BPDer therefore has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships. She therefore will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me").

 

Moreover, she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. This B-W thinking also will be evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...." Because a BPDer's close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have really close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away).

 

You will see this all-or-nothing behavior numerous times a day in a four year old. A young girl who adores Daddy while he's bringing out the toys can flip, in a few seconds, to hating Daddy when he takes one toy away.

 

I actually laughed out loud reading this. It's amazing how I can relate to your posts.

[Estuarykid]

I felt that, too. The Jekyll and Hyde character, the black and white thinking, the traumatic shift in mood based on a minor comment. I didn't laugh as such, but a partial inner smile at having my suspicions confirmed and, importantly, a lot of the wilful and dogged opinions of my ex overturned.

[Downtown]

Well, LOL, I'm glad you two got a laugh and a smile out of my last post about black-white thinking. I sometimes laugh about it too. Please keep in mind, however, that what we're laughing at is basic human behavior that is not confined to BPDers.

 

The human condition is that our brains are hardwired to instantly shift to B-W thinking whenever we are startled or suddenly frightened. To ensure our survival, our brains don't allow us to do high-level intellectual thinking when we are suddenly scared. Hence, when you are walking in a crosswalk and suddenly look up to see a truck bearing down on you, your mind is capable of thinking only "jump left" or "jump right."

 

Although this dichotomous B-W thinking is very valuable during such emergencies, it can be disastrous if we rely on it to guide our actions in personal relationships. Nearly all of us understand that well by the time we are in high school. That is, we are well aware that, whenever our feelings are intense, our rational judgement is strongly colored and distorted and thus cannot be trusted.

 

These distortions cause us to perceive of other people as being "all good" or "all bad." This is why we try to keep our mouths shut -- and our fingers off the keys -- until we have time to cool down and allow our good judgment to return. And this is why we try to wait at least two years before buying the ring.

 

During early childhood, for example, we all behave like BPDers 24/7. And when the hormones surge during the early teens, most of us start behaving like BPDers all over again. Indeed, any hormone change can cause intense feelings, resulting in the same thought distortions. This is why, at various points in our lives (e.g., puberty, pregnancy, postpartum, perimenopause, menopause, menstruation, and times of great stress), we all can start temporarily behaving like BPDers again and again.

 

Moreover, when a nation is under great stress due to a deep recession and starvation, it is common to see most people in that country be easily persuaded to resort to black-white thinking -- when their leaders persuade them them that an entire class of their own countrymen are "all bad."

 

This is perhaps most evident in the way that most Germans supported a leadership that slaughtered over six million of their own citizens. The horror of that terrible action is not that it shows what Germans are capable of doing but, rather, that it shows what all human beings are capable of doing whenever they allow themselves to yield to B-W thinking.

 

Hence, by learning to spot BPD warning signs, we learn far more than how to avoid marrying an untreated BPDer. We also learn how to better understand our own dysfunctional behaviors at various points in our lives. Well, BPDers are like that too -- only much more so. Because BPDers are unable to regulate their emotions, they experience intense feelings far more frequently than the rest of us.

 

Sorry for this sermon. I just want to make it very clear that BPDers do not differ from the rest of us in kind but, rather, only in degree. Moreover, most of us revisit the high end of the BPD spectrum at several points during our lifetimes. In that sense, we are all BPDers to some extent.

Edited January 7, 2018 by Downtown

[alterest]

Mine is diagnosed with bipolar and I suspect that she is BPD. Her doc gave to her many prescriptions so she doesn't need to go there for a year and he said to her that she doesn't need therapy no more. My ex is very narsisitic, and she also went from "you are my world" to "I don't want to talk to you anymore". We were pretty happy before went a trip and when we were there she changed completly, ignoring me, being cold with me. When we returned she said that we were in a huge crysis and I went: "WHAT??? WHERE???". It was pretty hard.

I think that hurt a lot because they change so fast and we can't follow that change. Mine was in a big stressful situation at work and at her home (we didn't live together), she cried a lot two weeks before our trip and said that I am her rock and that she doesn't know what she would do if she didn't be with me to helping her to hold her back. Annnnd two weeks later all that stuff disapear and she told me that I have big issues, that I must learn more about me, that we are so different, she complained about any insignificant thing, like the type of pizza that I like, the way I put my knife and fork after eat and so on. When we were together I thinked that she say those things just for fun and joke, but she meant it.

I can relate so much with your situation and we can't do anything but move on. Maybe they try to reach us out, maybe not. For what I read here and other forums (include BPD ones) is that they often try to reach out previous partners, but I know nothing about this information not even if that is true.

I don't think that my ex will reach me out someday, but I afraid that. Do you think that your ex will try to reach you? Do you think that is a common pattern (not 100% of course, but something significant)?

[Estuarykid]

I think you're right - for now at least all we can do is move on. From my research, it does seem that, because of their emotional instability, our ex's may reach out someday. It may not be to reconcile though or, if it is, it would be prudent for both parties to be very cautious. Her pattern was to break it off for 2 weeks then return, it is 4 weeks+ now. I have to entertain the idea that I won't hear from her again (it hurts) and, indeed, life sometimes has it that they will not be in touch until you are not thinking about them or have moved on. If it happens, I will see how I feel then and respond accordingly.