How do you broach the subject of a...

[Fair]

You've been OLD for only a couple months now, right? Wayyyy to early to feel exhausted girl! You may have a long way to go so pace yourself

 

Also, over the 2 years I did OLD, most of the guys I talked to rarely set up a date in a realistic time frame. It's your time you're spending on these guys so value your time by setting up a date quickly. Messages are hardly an accurate representation of how a person will be IRL. You may not have liked this guy so move onto the next!

 

On wards and upwards!

 

Actually I've been on and off OLD for quite awhile... starting going on a few years back for varying durations of time. this time around it's been since March... getting tired again.

[Cookiesandough]

You don't have to get rid of him, but he's either not sure/lukewarm or he's a chicken. In my experience on other sites besides Tinder, if you stop talking to the guy or answering any of his messages for a day to a week, they out-of-the-blue ask you out. I think it turns the heat up for them or something. I never did this intentionally, but just something I noticed.

[Dis]

So... get rid of him already? Or wait to hear what his excuse is?

 

Actually I've been on and off OLD for quite awhile... starting going on a few years back for varying durations of time. this time around it's been since March... getting tired again.

 

OLD is awful, isnt it? Hold tight though. I fully believe that you get what you put into it as long as you keep going

 

Hmmmm.... This is just me but with if I havent even met a guy yet, and he hasnt set up a date anddddd he doesnt contact me for 2-3 days. I'd be onto the next. When you first start talking to someone on OLD, the connection is so fragile you really want a guy that isnt going to be so passive about the whole thing. You want a guy thats going to be in contact, thats going to make an effort. Otherwise, his silence might mean he's not that interested so he doesnt really care if it fizzles out

 

So ya, I'd move on. But its up to you.

 

IME, when its right, you arent left guessing

[Fair]

I agree with you both... men who are truly interested are anything but passive. I didn't think three phone calls was wasting a lot of time or being a pen pal... I've done worse... But yeah, I can already see a disconnect or something going awry...

[Dis]

I agree with you both... men who are truly interested are anything but passive. I didn't think three phone calls was wasting a lot of time or being a pen pal... I've done worse... But yeah, I can already see a disconnect or something going awry...

 

IME, your gut is your most useful OLD tool

[viatori patuit]

Guys perspective here.

 

I did OLD for a while. Had a blast! Met lots of people and went on lots of dates. But...

 

Sometimes I met someone I was into. I admit it, I was nervous and maybe even intimidated. One girl comes to mind inparticular. I really liked her. She was super put together in my estimation. She picked someone else to date though and one reason was because she thought I wasn’t interested. She contacted me a few months later but I was already into another relationship. What could have been?

 

Doesn’t matter. I am married to the girl I met on tinder. I am super happy. Just push on. If he contacts you then go out if you want. If not don’t worry, there is always someone else.

[Fair]

Guys perspective here.

 

I did OLD for a while. Had a blast! Met lots of people and went on lots of dates. But...

 

Sometimes I met someone I was into. I admit it, I was nervous and maybe even intimidated. One girl comes to mind inparticular. I really liked her. She was super put together in my estimation. She picked someone else to date though and one reason was because she thought I wasn’t interested. She contacted me a few months later but I was already into another relationship. What could have been?

 

Doesn’t matter. I am married to the girl I met on tinder. I am super happy. Just push on. If he contacts you then go out if you want. If not don’t worry, there is always someone else.

 

So you would disappear for days at a time?

 

I was wondering if I should show more interest, myself. Maybe that's the problem. I don't know. He sounds nervous when he talks to me, as in nervous as men are when talking to someone they like.

 

On the other hand, he's twice been in a hurry to get off the phone when his kids were about to come home from the ex's as though he couldn't talk to me with them in the house... makes me wonder if he's just nervous talking to me altogether or if there's something else going on.

 

It's just so hard to read men over the damned phone. The reasons for anything could always be anything. So I always get caught between feeling like kicking them to the curb and not wasting my time, or worrying about possibly throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

 

Maybe we're all too quick to make snap judgements and that's partly why OLD is so hard... I don't know.

 

I feel like I should just ask questions about this.... but I don't know how to go about it... everything I think of would either sound too angry or too passive and forgiving. I'm no good with the in-between.

Edited January 8, 2018 by Fair

[Iseult]

Then you Segway into turning it around to ask the other person the Q. Hopefully they will forget you didn't fully answer.

Wait, your suggestion is to run them over with a motorized vehicle and hope they get amnesia?

[Dis]

Fair,

 

As for your OP, I come from a messed up family too

 

I was the scapegoat of my family. My sister is a very sick person. She tortured me as a child, including killing my pet rabbit when I was 12. My dad was abusive also.

 

I no longer speak to my sister but have managed to mend fences with my dad whom I'm close with now

 

The guy you spoke of should never have asked such intrusive questions right off the bat like that. I wouldve been caught off guard too.

 

I think sharing childhood experiences comes later when trust has been formed and there is a sense of feeling comfortable talking about such awful things. I told my bf about everything once we had built trust. His family is no walk in the park either so we formed a bond over our experiences.

 

Your family isnt a reflection of you as an individual. You are your own person. Your parents and siblings behaviors are no fault of your own. Please dont feel ashamed from where you came from. What matters is that you would never treat someone how your family treated you. The right person will support you and empathize/sympathize with you

[Fair]

Fair,

 

As for your OP, I come from a messed up family too

 

I was the scapegoat of my family. My sister is a very sick person. She tortured me as a child, including killing my pet rabbit when I was 12. My dad was abusive also.

 

I no longer speak to my sister but have managed to mend fences with my dad whom I'm close with now

 

The guy you spoke of should never have asked such intrusive questions right off the bat like that. I wouldve been caught off guard too.

 

I think sharing childhood experiences comes later when trust has been formed and there is a sense of feeling comfortable talking about such awful things. I told my bf about everything once we had built trust. His family is no walk in the park either so we formed a bond over our experiences.

 

Your family isnt a reflection of you as an individual. You are your own person. Your parents and siblings behaviors are no fault of your own. Please dont feel ashamed from where you came from. What matters is that you would never treat someone how your family treated you. The right person will support you and empathize/sympathize with you

 

Thanks for this. I always felt ashamed of my family history, not to mention completely alone! But I've done a lot of healing in the past while... a couple years ago I wouldn't have even mentioned it on an anonymous forum like this one. So I guess that's some progress. Thanks for sharing your experience, it helps to hear from others who knows what it's all about. And I'm so sorry for what you went through!

 

BTW that guy just called. I knew the conversation was going to end the same as always, with a goodbye, I'll call again, so I asked outright if he wanted to meet. He said casually... oh sure, anytime, just let me know when you're ready. Which is all well and good... but I would have felt better if he would have brought it up first... He's showing interest in me, and yet in a strange sort of a way somehow not... asking me a lot of questions but seeming kind of neither here nor there about it... maybe just keeping his expectations low, I don't know.

 

I better stop over thinking and just set up a date. It's just... I don't sense any sparks between us. Usually, you can tell immediately if you have chemistry, just over the phone.

 

Even when I was talking to that guy who wasn't over his ex, there were sparks flying everywhere and he admitted he felt something for me ... but of course, the fact that he was still working through his divorce pulled the whole thing off the rails. I'd prefer the flying sparks over the kind of casual nothingness I'm experiencing now.

Edited January 8, 2018 by Fair

[Woggle]

My family is the stuff nightmares are made of and I was just honest with women. I didn't choose to be born from them and I rose above it and made something of my life. The only one I have any kind of relationship with is an uncle who is in the same boat as I am. You are what you are and a man can take it or leave it.

[Fair]

My family is the stuff nightmares are made of and I was just honest with women. I didn't choose to be born from them and I rose above it and made something of my life. The only one I have any kind of relationship with is an uncle who is in the same boat as I am. You are what you are and a man can take it or leave it.

 

Thank you. You're so right.