Evenings with your husband / wife

[Trail Blazer]

I think your wife is socially isolating herself.

She has managed to construct a lovely cocoon for herself and she resists leaving it, the kids NEED to be home schooled and she CANT work as it was too exhausting...

BUT she hates it too, she is on a treadmill that she cannot get off.

she is frustrated and angry.

 

YOU are free, you are in an awesome high paid job, you do not have these kids 24/7, they do not rely on you being there for them, the buck does not stop with you.

YOU are a success, she is a nanny/housekeeper.

 

She is probably bored out of her skull and she sees no real way out of this situation, she will feel very guilty if she has to send her kids to school now she has set this high standard and it will also be a failure for her to do so

 

She is lonely but you are not the company she wants, she probably resents you for placing her in this situation and I guess cuddling leads to sex and as sex is probably not what she wants she does not want to be cuddling either.

But saying that, some people are just not cuddly people, especially if they grew up in a household where cuddling is not the norm.

 

I also think depression plays a big part here.

Everything you've said MAY be true, but only the last sentence is excusable. The rest is pretty much ridiculous if that's her reasoning. Talk about being selfish and taking her husband for granted.

[Just a Guy]

Hi 11AM, you have'nt addressed my question. What do you plan to do to change your situation? You have laid out your situation and your wife's desire for moving, while you state you are clear you do not want to move. All that is fine but what is the next step? What is the point of being a good husband if your wife does not appreciate it? She seems to be well within her comfort zone and the moment you introduce something which impinges on it her reaction typically is to shut you down. That does not solve the problem for you and neither does it solve it for her in the long run. The only favour you can do for her is to dislodge her from her comfort zone and the sooner the better.

 

To me she seems yo be a person completely wrapped up in herself and someone who is not concerned about her husband except, insofar, as he is able to sustain her lifestyle. If there was any love in her heart for you it has shrivelled up a long time ago. You are just a useful prop in her life. Time for you to assert yourself and take back what is yours. Give her the jolt I mentioned in my previous post. It may wake her up and make her smell the coffee. Warm wishes.

[11AM]

Hi 11AM, you have'nt addressed my question. What do you plan to do to change your situation? You have laid out your situation and your wife's desire for moving, while you state you are clear you do not want to move. All that is fine but what is the next step? What is the point of being a good husband if your wife does not appreciate it? She seems to be well within her comfort zone and the moment you introduce something which impinges on it her reaction typically is to shut you down. That does not solve the problem for you and neither does it solve it for her in the long run. The only favour you can do for her is to dislodge her from her comfort zone and the sooner the better.

 

To me she seems yo be a person completely wrapped up in herself and someone who is not concerned about her husband except, insofar, as he is able to sustain her lifestyle. If there was any love in her heart for you it has shrivelled up a long time ago. You are just a useful prop in her life. Time for you to assert yourself and take back what is yours. Give her the jolt I mentioned in my previous post. It may wake her up and make her smell the coffee. Warm wishes.

 

My wife is prepared for divorce. We have spoken about it a few times. I moved out of our bedroom for a while, and a few weeks after this, my wife and kids went away for a week. Not seeing my kids and being close to them made me so sad, and gave me a scary glimpse of what the future could be like, so I told my wife I wanted us to give it another go with both of us taking more care to be kind and considerate of each other. I am already kind and considerate, but was trying to be diplomatic and not say "you need to be kinder and more caring towards me".

 

We had a nice week or so when she came back but after that it's just reverted to her treating me like I'm just a financial contributor and part of the household staff.

 

If I could grin and bare it and stick with being treated like this so that I can stay in my kids life on a daily basis, I would do, but as I said, there are limits. Too many days when my wife won't even make eye contact with me. This is no way to live. I don't think she's going to change, because she just doesn't care about me or love me in the slightest.

 

If we divorce, then my wife gets 50-60% of everything I've worked so hard for, she'll be able to buy a house outright in the midwest and take my kids there. This is the most likely end outcome. Maybe she'll appreciate how much I do / did once I'm not there anymore, but she'll be pretty comfortable financially, and will likely shack up with another guy until she has nothing left to give him either.

 

My options are pretty limited... Not sure what anyone else would do in my situation.

[BaileyB]

Your options are not great, but this is no way to live.

 

Have you spoken with a lawyer? I doubt that she can move away with your children, she should have to stay close so that you can have joint custody of the children.

 

Your right, your options are not good. But, your wife is clearly not invested in the marriage anymore. You have some tough decisions to make. I'm sorry, you and your children deserve more than is...

[elaine567]

My wife is prepared for divorce. We have spoken about it a few times. I moved out of our bedroom for a while, and a few weeks after this, my wife and kids went away for a week. Not seeing my kids and being close to them made me so sad, and gave me a scary glimpse of what the future could be like, so I told my wife I wanted us to give it another go with both of us taking more care to be kind and considerate of each other. I am already kind and considerate, but was trying to be diplomatic and not say "you need to be kinder and more caring towards me".

We had a nice week or so when she came back but after that it's just reverted to her treating me like I'm just a financial contributor and part of the household staff.

 

 

Ok, but you need to tell her that. Time for more heart to hearts, keep the communication lines open. You listen to her and she listens to you

I think the fact she was willing to give it another go probably means she may be more invested than you think.

[11AM]

Ok, but you need to tell her that. Time for more heart to hearts, keep the communication lines open. You listen to her and she listens to you

I think the fact she was willing to give it another go probably means she may be more invested than you think.

 

I did this after the most recent 2 weeks of being treated like trash, including her getting so angry with me just for being ill, even though I was asking nothing of her. In fact the first evening I was ill, I was asleep in bed with a fever, and she came in and said she was going out to meet a random person who she hardly knew, in order to get some gossip on somebody else she hadn't seen in over a year...so I had to get up so I could put the kids to bed.

 

I expressed my concerns and the fact that I felt hurt, in a totally calm reasonable way, and she just dismissed them as me being dramatic (and the way we are being 'normal' for people together this long, which is kind of what sparked the thread, even though I appreciate it's morphed into something else.

 

I think the fact that she was willing to give it another chance is because she likes being able to take a bath each night, not have to get up in the night for our kids, spend every cent of disposable income we have etc... She's not concerned about losing me, she's concerned about losing that.

[11AM]

Your options are not great, but this is no way to live.

 

Have you spoken with a lawyer? I doubt that she can move away with your children, she should have to stay close so that you can have joint custody of the children.

 

Your right, your options are not good. But, your wife is clearly not invested in the marriage anymore. You have some tough decisions to make. I'm sorry, you and your children deserve more than is...

 

I have taken legal advice. I appreciated the honesty of the lawyer who said I likely wouldn't be able to stop my wife leaving. The relocation laws here mean the balance would hugely be in her favor. Depressing stuff.

[S2B]

Have you done any research to see if your wife may be interested in someone else? Another man, perhaps?

[S2B]

I have taken legal advice. I appreciated the honesty of the lawyer who said I likely wouldn't be able to stop my wife leaving. The relocation laws here mean the balance would hugely be in her favor. Depressing stuff.

 

If you might divorce her, you want her working! Tell her to get a job and put the kids in a normal school environment.

[BaileyB]

If you might divorce her, you want her working! Tell her to get a job and put the kids in a normal school environment.

 

Indeed. How does that affect what you would have to pay, in terms of child and spousal support?

 

That fact that you think she would move away and take your children says a lot about the kind of woman you married. This is a terrible thing to do to you, but even more terrible for your children.

[elaine567]

That fact that you think she would move away and take your children says a lot about the kind of woman you married. This is a terrible thing to do to you, but even more terrible for your children.

 

Maybe, but she is far from home, so being a single parent with no family support would be so difficult to do.

It is the practical solution for her to move back close to her family and where houses are a lot cheaper.

 

His best chance of seeing his kids is to make doubly sure he stays married.

If he is going to stay married then he needs to try and make it as good as he can.

She is dying in this state, a small town midwest girl who is unhappy and homesick. She wants to go home, with or without him.

 

 

I think my wife is depressed, but her solution is that we all move out of state (to a small town in a state I don't want to live in), so that my wife can be closer to her sister and sister's kids. I could possibly work remote for a while, but it would effectively end any long term career at a great company that I love working for. Wife says I could do freelance / consultancy work - which I used to do 8 yrs ago for about 25% of my current salary (and that's not even accounting for how expensive healthcare is nowadays if you don't get it through your employer). And I don't want to live in a small town in the midwest.

 

She says she wants me there too, but I think it's just as a provider and to share parenting duties. I'd love to get custody of my kids, but I know it won't happen. Unfortunately I don't even think I'd be able to prevent them moving if we divorce, because of the relocation laws in my state.

[11AM]

Indeed. How does that affect what you would have to pay, in terms of child and spousal support?

 

That fact that you think she would move away and take your children says a lot about the kind of woman you married. This is a terrible thing to do to you, but even more terrible for your children.

 

Yes, moving away and hugely negatively impacting my kids and my relationship won't do them any favors at all, but what I've learnt is that everything is always about what she wants, (i.e. homeschooling etc.) rather than what's in the best interests of the family. She complains about not getting a break, but if the kids were in school, she would get a break. So it all feels a bit like someone constantly banging their head on a wall and then complaining about a sore head.

 

I think part of her mental health issues is that she is partly or entirely devoid of empathy. She's not Asperger's, but does have some nihilistic personality traits.

 

I feel her getting together with me was a bit of a bait and switch, because as I said, I never would have married her had she said she doesn't really like physical contact and would have nothing left to give after x yrs being married.

 

Bringing up young kids without family support is clearly tough, but many people manage it without things ending up as they have here.

 

Obviously my situation would be better if she was working, but there's just no way she'll go back to work, regardless of what I want.

[11AM]

Maybe, but she is far from home, so being a single parent with no family support would be so difficult to do.

It is the practical solution for her to move back close to her family and where houses are a lot cheaper.

 

His best chance of seeing his kids is to make doubly sure he stays married.

If he is going to stay married then he needs to try and make it as good as he can.

She is dying in this state, a small town midwest girl who is unhappy and homesick. She wants to go home, with or without him.

 

It's not actually home - she wants to go where her sister moved to last year. She'd be closer to her parents, but still several (6+) hours away. I do totally understand wanting to be closer to family, but when you're part of a family you should take several things into account, not just the understandable desire to be able to hang out with her sister, and have our kids and her sister's kids be closer.

 

I moved from Europe to be with her. I miss my siblings, but at the time of making the move felt it was worth it. We moved from the East coast to West coast for my job, because she didn't like that she was working full time (8 yrs ago) and I was doing freelance stuff. She wanted to live somewhere more fun than her small East coast town, and wanted to be a stay at home mom.

[No_Go]

My wife and I have different views on what's normal after 11 yrs together.

 

I'm the evenings, once kids are in bed; One of us wants to sit together (same sofa, not sitting on each other but some physical contact ). The other thinks it's normal that this kind of closeness only happens once or twice a month, and being in the same room is sufficient / more than some couples have.

 

So, how long have you been with your mom partner and what sort of closeness do you have in the evenings before bed?

 

Ouch she sounds terribly cold TBH. When I used to be in live-in RL: yes, I'd definitely expect sofa time nightly. I need both the cuddling and moreover, need to talk to the other person to feel connected, actually the only way I feel connected is if the other person is a good listener and gives me the chance to express my thoughts, otherwise I because an anxious bomb ready to explode. Physical touch and listening calms me down like nothing else.

 

No closeness except once or twice a month makes no sense to me, it sounds like a roommate situation, a bad one.

[11AM]

Have you done any research to see if your wife may be interested in someone else? Another man, perhaps?

 

 

She doesn't go out in the evenings and she's too busy with the kids (being homeschooled), to be having any actual physical affair with anyone.

 

However, a year ago, she went back east to visit her family alone and spent a lot of time with an old male friend. Then she was texting him until all hours, and being careful never to let me see her phone or computer. She said nothing was happening between them, but I didn't believe it. So a couple of times when she let her guard down I did see. They were IMing each other telling each other they loved each other etc. Total emotional affair. When I confronted her, she blamed it on me because of some of the things I'd said in marriage counselling.

 

I believe it is actually over now (I asked her about him recently, and she said "he's on the east coast and he's broke"), but I know she still listens to love songs that he's sung specifically for her.

 

Humans are very weird creatures. I think I'm good at reading people, and maybe in the early days of our relationship I ignored some of the warning signs, but I could never have seen all of this coming.

[11AM]

Ouch she sounds terribly cold TBH. When I used to be in live-in RL: yes, I'd definitely expect sofa time nightly. I need both the cuddling and moreover, need to talk to the other person to feel connected, actually the only way I feel connected is if the other person is a good listener and gives me the chance to express my thoughts, otherwise I because an anxious bomb ready to explode. Physical touch and listening calms me down like nothing else.

 

No closeness except once or twice a month makes no sense to me, it sounds like a roommate situation, a bad one.

 

Indeed. And when we are in the living room, she's still on her phone and or computer (chatting to her sister and friends by text) and often with some trashy TV show in the background. Makes connection and conversation pretty hard.

[LivingWaterPlease]

11AM, besides praying about the situation, in your place I would kick in and try to make the best home possible for your children for the next ten or so years. Ten years flies by very quickly.

 

Once the kids are 14 and 16 they'll be able to live with whomever they prefer. I'd make sure their choice is YOU by connecting with them in every way possible now.

 

Btw, I became a single mom and stayed in the same area as my H so they could stay connected to their dad. To me, their R with him was more important than my R to my family.

 

Sounds to me as if your wife is both depressed and self absorbed. Being self absorbed will sometimes make a person depressed!

[BaileyB]

Maybe, but she is far from home, so being a single parent with no family support would be so difficult to do.

It is the practical solution for her to move back close to her family and where houses are a lot cheaper.

 

His best chance of seeing his kids is to make doubly sure he stays married.

If he is going to stay married then he needs to try and make it as good as he can.

She is dying in this state, a small town midwest girl who is unhappy and homesick. She wants to go home, with or without him.

 

I'm quite sure that she is very unhappy, lonely, and depressed. But, based on what has been shared by OP, she is also selfish and inconsiderate of anyone's needs but her own. She is making unilateral decisions that affect the lives of every member of her family. IMHO, it doesn't matter how lonely you are, that is not acceptable behavior for a wife and mother.

 

As an adult, as a parent, sometimes we have to do the hard thing because it is in he best interest of the children. If she can make it work, she should at least consider staying so that both parents can share custody of the children. I don't however for a minute, believe that is woman has it in her or even has any interest, in doing what may be hard and is not be in her best interest...

 

OP, you options appear to be stay in an unhappy marriage, divorce and see your children periodically if they move away, or find another job and move to be closer to your children. All, terrible options....

[11AM]

I'm quite sure that she is very unhappy, lonely, and depressed. But, based on what has been shared by OP, she is also selfish and inconsiderate of anyone's needs but her own. She is making unilateral decisions that affect the lives of every member of her family. IMHO, it doesn't matter how lonely you are, that is not acceptable behavior for a wife and mother.

 

As an adult, as a parent, sometimes we have to do the hard thing because it is in he best interest of the children. If she can make it work, she should at least consider staying so that both parents can share custody of the children. I don't however for a minute, believe that is woman has it in her or even has any interest, in doing what may be hard and is not be in her best interest...

 

OP, you options appear to be stay in an unhappy marriage, divorce and see your children periodically if they move away, or find another job and move to be closer to your children. All, terrible options....

 

Having to choose between 2-3 awful options is depressing. And I've been aware that this is the case for a while. I'm an analytical guy, and consider myself pretty good at finding solutions, so the fact that it's just varying degrees of crap options is really frustrating.

 

I think there are some fundamental issues that are making my wife unhappy. I don't think moving to a small town to be close to her sister will suddenly make her happy.

 

I once heard a saying "where ever you run away to, you'll always find yourself there". I honestly think I've given her more than most would have done. I've given her pretty much everything she ever asked for yet she's still not happy. I've probably given her too much, because she now acts entitled and resentful if I push back on anything.

[11AM]

11AM, besides praying about the situation, in your place I would kick in and try to make the best home possible for your children for the next ten or so years. Ten years flies by very quickly.

 

Once the kids are 14 and 16 they'll be able to live with whomever they prefer. I'd make sure their choice is YOU by connecting with them in every way possible now.

 

Btw, I became a single mom and stayed in the same area as my H so they could stay connected to their dad. To me, their R with him was more important than my R to my family.

 

Sounds to me as if your wife is both depressed and self absorbed. Being self absorbed will sometimes make a person depressed!

 

Sounds like you had a good sense of awareness about what is in the best interests of your kids. I applaud that.

 

I'm not sure if 10 yrs is feasible. I'm being treated so poorly on such a regular basis, and my wife is so sure that she's "had enough of it here and just wants to move.." She uses this as justification for treating me like crap, because she's not getting her way. It's almost like she's trying to treat me so badly that I either end up giving in (and moving), or end up leaving and she can say to my kids that it's all my fault that our marriage ended.

 

Thursday night, I was awake between 1am and 3am with my 4 yr old. I was exhausted (having been up at least once in 9 out of the last 10 nights), yet my wife ended up annoyed with me because after work I was sitting on the sofa with one of my kids rather than making dinner. Then she went out to the pet store and left me to put them to bed again.

[DKT3]

There is this odd misconception that a mother can just pick up and more kids out of State. That is simply untrue, in fact most States will force the mother back( if she moved) or make her solely responsible to travel the kids for visitation. The problem is too many men don't know this.

[elaine567]

There is this odd misconception that a mother can just pick up and more kids out of State. That is simply untrue, in fact most States will force the mother back( if she moved) or make her solely responsible to travel the kids for visitation. The problem is too many men don't know this.

 

He has already consulted a lawyer about this. #32

[DKT3]

He has already consulted a lawyer about this. #32

 

Stop HER from relocating. No, he can't. But, he can stop her from taking the kids, or have her be responsible for getting them to him for visitation.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Sounds like you had a good sense of awareness about what is in the best interests of your kids. I applaud that.

 

I'm not sure if 10 yrs is feasible. I'm being treated so poorly on such a regular basis, and my wife is so sure that she's "had enough of it here and just wants to move.." She uses this as justification for treating me like crap, because she's not getting her way. It's almost like she's trying to treat me so badly that I either end up giving in (and moving), or end up leaving and she can say to my kids that it's all my fault that our marriage ended.

 

Thursday night, I was awake between 1am and 3am with my 4 yr old. I was exhausted (having been up at least once in 9 out of the last 10 nights), yet my wife ended up annoyed with me because after work I was sitting on the sofa with one of my kids rather than making dinner. Then she went out to the pet store and left me to put them to bed again.

 

 

 

Sounds as if it won't be an issue but just want to caution you to be sure and use protection if you sleep together, even if on rare occasions. Don't take her word for it if she says she's using something. Am sure being an analytical person you are thinking ahead but from her point of view having another child would raise her child support payments if the two of you should divorce. Sorry to put it so coldly.

[S2B]

Where is she saying she wants to move? The east coast?

 

Looks like she reconnected with her old BF and started an affair while she was home. I'd bet all her texted is with him.

 

If you divorce - you can request the court to make her keep the kids in your county so you both have access at any time to the kids.

 

Make her get a job so you pay less support money!

 

And request a huge amount of custody time with your kids so she can work and you get the kids more often (paying her less support).

 

When she realizes she's gonna lose her cushy lifestyle she may start being a better wife! Hit her hard so reality sets in quickly - it also puts you in the offensive seat and she will be left reacting to your actions.

 

Since she doesn't want to be a kind, generous and loving wife tell her you made a decision to end the union.

 

I bet money she realizes her OM has no money - she's gonna have little access to money and she will be forced to work full time for bare essentials... she will be shocked and bummed - but you will be free from a woman that acts like she doesn't care about you and looks like she's using you as her meal ticket for luxuries.

 

Rip her cushy lifestyle away from her - cancel her credit cards and move money to your account (name only). Give her cash for weekly expenses each Monday so she can't deplete your funds (she will if you allow her access to money) See how quickly she starts playing nice to you.