He bailed on our NYE plans and I don't know if I should believe his reason

[Back_Again]

I don't normally advocate stalking behavior, but maybe you should have driven by his house last night to see if his vehicle was there (if applicable).

 

He has no car lol

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

He has no car lol

 

OK, scratch that .

[Back_Again]

OK if we are talking normal people here. a normal person may have to cancel NYE plans very late for any number of reasons, but a normal person would recognise that they had ruined their friends NYE and would be trying to make amends and a text to say having an early night at 10pm or Happy NY at midnight, or sorry fell asleep, got too drunk the next morning even... it is not a big deal... takes a few seconds.

 

You are used to putting up with rubbish from him and you make endless excuses for him but the bottom line is he is using you and he will continue to do so as long as you let him.

 

New Year.

Perfect time to make a resolution.

Enough is enough.

Dump the chump.

 

I'm sure he will reach out sometime today, but the thing is I don't even want to hear from him or interact with him, at least not for a while. I picture him having sex with and kissing someone else at midnight and I feel nausea. As much as I try to tell myself that maybe he said the truth, I don't buy it. I'm screwed.

[Whodatdog]

If this were going on for a month or two it would be one thing, but you've been doing this for years and years and years. He will call you and say what you want to hear, and you will hang on again for whatever crumbs he will serve you.

 

Its your life. You've been doing this for long enough, wasting how many years on this guy. Doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting a different result. He's doing the same thing. If you want the situation to change, you have to do the changing. And I dont see you doing it.

[anika99]

Reading your other threads I'm very confused as I'm not sure which of you is the most dishonest.

 

You've caught him in lies so we know he's dishonest, but you tell lies too, to him and to yourself. For example, in your last thread you and he had broken up and you claimed to be perfectly fine with that and said you just wanted to remain friends with benefits. And in this thread you have said that you're not in a relationship with him and you don't want a relationship and yet you behave the exact opposite of what you say.

 

Friends with benefits are not exclusive to each other. It means we can hang out and have fun but we are free to date other people and explore other relationships. If you two are not in a relationship then why would he be monogamous with you? His fault is that he evades and lies about it when he really shouldn't have to since you have both agreed to a non relationship friends with benefits arrangement. He lies because he knows you lied when you said that you were okay just being FWB.

 

You're both being dishonest with each other to get what you want. He wants a casual friendship that includes sex and you totally want to be in a monogamous relationship with him. Since you cannot play by the rules of your agreement this needs to end but it won't because you won't be honest.

[Back_Again]

If this were going on for a month or two it would be one thing, but you've been doing this for years and years and years. He will call you and say what you want to hear, and you will hang on again for whatever crumbs he will serve you.

 

Its your life. You've been doing this for long enough, wasting how many years on this guy. Doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting a different result. He's doing the same thing. If you want the situation to change, you have to do the changing. And I dont see you doing it.

 

But in this particular situation, how would I tell him i suspect he was with someone else therefore I no longer want to continue? He will say "but I told you why I had to cancel, are you calling me a liar?". What would be the best way for me to handle what just happened?

[Back_Again]

Reading your other threads I'm very confused as I'm not sure which of you is the most dishonest.

 

You've caught him in lies so we know he's dishonest, but you tell lies too, to him and to yourself. For example, in your last thread you and he had broken up and you claimed to be perfectly fine with that and said you just wanted to remain friends with benefits. And in this thread you have said that you're not in a relationship with him and you don't want a relationship and yet you behave the exact opposite of what you say.

 

Friends with benefits are not exclusive to each other. It means we can hang out and have fun but we are free to date other people and explore other relationships. If you two are not in a relationship then why would he be monogamous with you? His fault is that he evades and lies about it when he really shouldn't have to since you have both agreed to a non relationship friends with benefits arrangement. He lies because he knows you lied when you said that you were okay just being FWB.

 

You're both being dishonest with each other to get what you want. He wants a casual friendship that includes sex and you totally want to be in a monogamous relationship with him. Since you cannot play by the rules of your agreement this needs to end but it won't because you won't be honest.

 

True, I want more of a commitment than he does, it doesn't have to be a relationship but it needs to be exclusive. Or at the very least, I would like him to tell me exactly where I stand, and if he is with other women to tell me so, then I could decide for myself if I am ok with it or not.

Maybe I do hope for more than he is willing to give... and the fact that he tells me I am the only woman in his life is giving me hope. Which is why when this NYE happened and I realized he may be lying, it has shaken things up for me.

 

I guess I just want to know the truth, so I can make informed decisions that are not based on suspicion and guessing. However he knows me well enough to know that if I knew he was seeing others, I'd be gone, so he will never tell me. Unfortunately it's easy to lie to me with words, but his actions speak otherwise.

[introverted1]

I am not looking for a traditional relationship myself

 

My willingness to stay in this non-relationship has to do with my own private situation

 

What I am thinking of doing is cooling it off, staying away from doing "couple-y" things (sex included)

 

I am not interested in FWB, so I won't have sex with him anymore.

 

Nor do I want to share him with other women, and he says I don't as he is not dating anyone else.

 

I'm confused as hell.

 

You don't want a relationship.

You don't want a FWB

You don't want to share him with another woman

 

So what are you looking for here - a friendship where you are his only female friend? :confused:

[Back_Again]

I'm confused as hell.

 

You don't want a relationship.

You don't want a FWB

You don't want to share him with another woman

 

So what are you looking for here - a friendship where you are his only female friend? :confused:

 

I could bend on the FWB thing but only if he was only with me. So I guess I want sort of a relationship, doesn't have to have marriage as a final goal but it needs to be exclusive. The exclusivity part doesn't seem to be happening, based on his actions.

[carhill]

Are you sure this guy isn't still married?

 

Just skimmed and yup that was my instinct as well. I noted you didn't get a direct response with verifiable information, like personally viewing a divorce decree/dissolution statement in the case summary file. Ours is available online to any who wish to view it.

 

I gotta give the guy kudos though. Keeps at least one plate spinning and has inspired quite a gathering to figure him out. Props for that.

[Back_Again]

Just skimmed and yup that was my instinct as well. I noted you didn't get a direct response with verifiable information, like personally viewing a divorce decree/dissolution statement in the case summary file. Ours is available online to any who wish to view it.

 

I gotta give the guy kudos though. Keeps at least one plate spinning and has inspired quite a gathering to figure him out. Props for that.

 

Definitely not married, I have been to his place many times, including over Xmas... But does he have other women in his life? Now I think he does, even though he has spent lots of time trying to convince me otherwise.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Just skimmed and yup that was my instinct as well. I noted you didn't get a direct response with verifiable information, like personally viewing a divorce decree/dissolution statement in the case summary file. Ours is available online to any who wish to view it.

 

I gotta give the guy kudos though. Keeps at least one plate spinning and has inspired quite a gathering to figure him out. Props for that.

 

But she did say in her other post that he's done the "part time parent" thing for 16 years with his child, and his ex-wife dates and his kids know about it.....

 

I am wondering about his relationship history with the mother of his kids though.

[carhill]

Sorry, I only read this thread, did a targeted search for marriage/divorce and trust stillafool to be very inciteful in analysis. She's usually on it.

 

In other news, I've known plenty of colleagues to have 'their own place' and I have too, actually two or three of them back when married, so 'his place' means zero to me as a guy. It's just real estate. I could use one of my other places to have affairs and I know other guys who have. Is he? Who knows? IMO, why mess with it? Then again, he's attractive enough to mess with it. One more example

[bachdude]

Wow, OP, this relationship is completely one sided! You care way more for him than he cares for you. He is keeping you around for the benefits.

 

You both agreed to not be in a relationship with each other but you want to be exclusive. Being exclusive means you are in a relationship; it’s a commitment.

 

The problem is you never gave yourself time to get over him after the break up and you are paying the price. He’s gone, OP. He’s gone. He’s not your BF any longer. You need to let him go, for your own mental health.

[Back_Again]

Sorry, I only read this thread, did a targeted search for marriage/divorce and trust stillafool to be very inciteful in analysis. She's usually on it.

 

In other news, I've known plenty of colleagues to have 'their own place' and I have too, actually two or three of them back when married, so 'his place' means zero to me as a guy. It's just real estate. I could use one of my other places to have affairs and I know other guys who have. Is he? Who knows? IMO, why mess with it? Then again, he's attractive enough to mess with it. One more example

 

He's too poor to have more than one place lol

[Back_Again]

Wow, OP, this relationship is completely one sided! You care way more for him than he cares for you. He is keeping you around for the benefits.

 

You both agreed to not be in a relationship with each other but you want to be exclusive. Being exclusive means you are in a relationship; it’s a commitment.

 

The problem is you never gave yourself time to get over him after the break up and you are paying the price. He’s gone, OP. He’s gone. He’s not your BF any longer. You need to let him go, for your own mental health.

 

Yes, this is true. It is one sided. I thought staying friends will make me feel better...then I figured I could throw a benefit here and there, no harm in that...but now I am paying the price because I am being thrown aside every time someone else is available, and on a big day too...

I have a lot of reconsidering to do.

[carhill]

I'll leave that at 'slush fund'. I've been the parking lot for some six figure slush fund stuff that wives are no wiser about. Just saying. Yeah, I'm 'poor' too. Just read my thread on ACA here. I'm subsidized by the government for being so poor.

 

All that underscores long experience with both men and women who lie. That seems to be a theme in this thread too, the lying part by the gentleman in question. After the first one it gets easier.

 

However, you seem invested in this dynamic and I respect that. I'll wish you a Happy New Year and hope that things work out for you. BTDT enough decades ago. Truth was it was invigorating. Got old after awhile though.

[MidwestUSA]

But she did say in her other post that he's done the "part time parent" thing for 16 years with his child, and his ex-wife dates and his kids know about it.....

 

I am wondering about his relationship history with the mother of his kids though.

 

It makes sense that the reason the kids can't know he's dating is that they'd turn around and tell their mother. What teenagers can't know that their father goes on dates?

[Ruby Slippers]

It makes sense that the reason the kids can't know he's dating is that they'd turn around and tell their mother. What teenagers can't know that their father goes on dates?

I agree it's extremely suspicious he doesn't want his kids to know about his woman/women. I think this guy is a big waste of your time. That you're in such a tizzy over this kind of person tells me you really need to consider raising your standards.

 

As for how to break it off? You owe him nothing. Tell him via phone call or text you're not interested, and then stop responding to him period. Read the breakup forum for tips on how to establish and maintain zero contact.

[Back_Again]

It makes sense that the reason the kids can't know he's dating is that they'd turn around and tell their mother. What teenagers can't know that their father goes on dates?

 

This could very well be true, him and the mother have a very strained relationship and I'm sure he doesn't want her knowing his private business.

[JuneL]

Just skimmed through your other threads. It's clear even to you that this guy just sees you as a woman he goes to when he feels like having some company (while he doesn't have other easy options), but this non-relationship has to be completely on his terms. You have been okay with it all along. I'm puzzled as to why you're so concerned about whether he ditched you to spend the NYE with another woman. I mean, did he even promise you're exclusive? You know the kids party thing was a total excuse.

[JuneL]

So he doesn't have a car as a middle-aged man with children? Does he live in NYC? Or is he a bum? This guy must be damn hot.

[Back_Again]

Just skimmed through your other threads. It's clear even to you that this guy just sees you as a woman he goes to when he feels like having some company (while he doesn't have other easy options), but this non-relationship has to be completely on his terms. You have been okay with it all along. I'm puzzled as to why you're so concerned about whether he ditched you to spend the NYE with another woman. I mean, did he even promise you're exclusive? You know the kids party thing was a total excuse.

 

Yes, it is clear to me that while he enjoys my company, he doesn't want to commit. And I know he's been like this with everybody throughout his life, his marriage was his biggest commitment but that didn't last long either.

This is who he is, and I've been trying to focus on the good parts and the good stuff I'm getting from this.

But ditching me for someone else a few hours before NYE is a completely different story...we have just reconciled and things were good, so I didn't see it coming, especially since he was the one who made the plans, not me.

While he didn't promise exclusivity, he keeps claiming there is nobody else. But based on what he just did, it doesn't look like there's nobody else.

[Back_Again]

So he doesn't have a car as a middle-aged man with children? Does he live in NYC? Or is he a bum? This guy must be damn hot.

 

Lol, he's ok, I wouldn't say hot. He's not a bum, but he does contract work so he's usually short with money. I don't mind that as he does have qualities to compensate (he's smart, nice to be around).

I just wish he wasn't a commitment phone.

[Versacehottie]

He says he doesn't want a relationship with anyone, not only me...and since I am not looking for a traditional relationship myself, this was ok with me because in spite of not being in a relationship, he has been paying me lots of attention, spent Xmas with me, and things were better than before he "cooled things off". He actually seemed like he was putting in an effort. I was confident things were improving and there was nobody else in his life, as he wanted to spend both Holidays with me...and now I don't know anymore. What happened threw me off completely, I didn't expect him to do this. I mean, why make plans with me if he wanted to spend NYE with someone else?

 

If he doesn't want a relationship with anyone iNCLUDING YOU, then why are you monitoring him like a jealous girlfriend would? There is so much speculation and desperation in the tone of your posts OP that i don't think rushing toward him is the answer. He is obviously exercising his right as a non-coupled to be not coupled on NYE and sell you a dream that he doesn't feel like living up to (in retrospect after the ask). Putting on the brakes so to speak.

 

He is jerking you around and being disrespectful of your time, especially on NYE. He's kinda might be doing it to keep you from going out and seeing other guys but STILL not wanting to commit himself.

 

First of all, you need to stop worrying about other girls. He can do that. Say it to yourself again: he can do that. Accept it. He might be and he might not be using the option to do so--doesn't mean he is any closer to committing to you. So even if you had this info, it really should not affect how you act with him going forward. Right now you are in a panic of desperation and anxiety. Speculating about outside influences is only going to fuel that. You need to focus on solely yourself and what you want. It's obvious you want a relationship and are accepting less (pretending that you are fine with it, hoping his mind will change). Just take the basics: it doesn't matter the reasons but he was being disrespectful of your time and your "friendship". What would you do if anyone else did that to you? Like a friend--because let's face it that's effectively what his level of "commitment" is to you. IMO, you back off, pull back because he is showing you he is not a wise investment and your previous investment is making you unstable about the situation.

 

I know you want the "perfect" answer, such as a strategy that will make him wake up. Or to do something extreme that will get an immediate answer. I think if you aren't capable of cutting it all the way off (plus you should give him some benefit of the doubt since he is conducting the relationship with you on terms he thinks have been ok with you and you haven't been honest with him that they aren't), then you should pull way, way back. It's more than a guy being with another girl. Some people will always put themselves first and be dismissive of you--um, yeah don't sign up for that. Without speculating like crazy, if he's putting another girl in front of you, would you want to be with him? Um, no don't sign up for that. Do you have enough info about his trustworthiness, state of mind etc to really know what his intention was? No. Do you think, even if he handled it poorly, that the excuse of the kids was good enough, i.e. they are more of a priority than you? Yes, probably. Are you going to grill him about the truth? God, I hope not. You do what the only thing someone in your situation with an outcome that you seem to want does: you pull back out of respect for yourself and being unsure of what you want to do with this person going forward. You can always shut it all the way off--now or later if you decide. How he handles the aftermath will be a sign of his character but I would let him try to come to you rather than pushing forward. I think you should strongly consider moving on from him but if you are not ready to do that, pulling back is the thing to do. And stop worrying about other girls, it dulls your shine. Know that you are the best for him and hope he figures it out in time.

 

*btw, your arrangement with him allows other girls so if that doesn't work for you at this stage, pull back and when he tries to see you you can explain that getting close around christmas, followed by being bailed on has you confused and you don't want to put yourself in this situation anymore.