He bailed on our NYE plans and I don't know if I should believe his reason

[Back_Again]

So the kids are 16/17 and they can't go to a party but have to stay home with dad, who goes to bed before midnight and can't so much as call or text you? Are they standing guard over him?

 

None of this adds up for me, including your willingness to be in the non-relationship.

 

My willingness to stay in this non-relationship has to do with my own private situation, nothing to do with this guy but I'd rather not get into too many details.

The other part...yeah, doesn't sound too good. He has no excuse for not texting at midnight, although even if he was with someone else he could still have texted from the washroom or something, if he wanted to convince me he was thinking about me.

I don't think anything good about what happened, but I am not sure how to proceed going forward. I'm thinking of keeping a low profile, being polite but cold in my interactions with him, and I guess giving him plenty of space to date this woman until he gets frigging bored of her.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

Also, he didn't bother texting me last night, not even at midnight to wish me a happy new year, which would definitely point towards him being with someone else. But if I asked, he would probably tell me he was pissed with the situation and went to sleep early, and what could I say to that?

 

 

It's true....he'd tell you he went to bed early And maybe he did. I have two teenagers and I was home with them last night, in bed at 11.

 

The fact that he didn't text you at ALL sounds weird, but I don't know your relationship so that could be normal? If he's not ready to tell the kids he's dating, that could explain it. Maybe he has nosey children who would ask who he was texting.

 

You're probably gonna have to wait this one out .

[Back_Again]

It's true....he'd tell you he went to bed early And maybe he did. I have two teenagers and I was home with them last night, in bed at 11.

 

The fact that he didn't text you at ALL sounds weird, but I don't know your relationship so that could be normal? If he's not ready to tell the kids he's dating, that could explain it. Maybe he has nosey children who would ask who he was texting.

 

You're probably gonna have to wait this one out .

 

He tends not to contact me when they are around, unless he really needs to talk about meeting up or something. So it *could* be normal. And yes, I'm afraid I will have to let this go, as anything else I would say would make it obvious I have zero trust in him.

[amaysngrace]

How can you be intimate with someone you have zero trust in?

[Whodatdog]

You said you're not in a relationship with him. Obviously he doesnt feel like he's in a relationship with you. Its just casual dating. According to you. So arent you making too much of this? It was a date, he cancelled. Does it matter why?

 

If you want to keep dating him, then go out with him. (Tho I cant imagine why you'd want to be treated like this, non-relationship or not). Seems like the boundaries have already been set. He's calling the shots. Take it or leave it.

[stillafool]

So the kids are 16/17 and they can't go to a party but have to stay home with dad, who goes to bed before midnight and can't so much as call or text you? Are they standing guard over him?

 

None of this adds up for me, including your willingness to be in the non-relationship.

 

I agree his excuse about the kids makes absolutely no sense. 16 and 17 year olds would be screaming if they had to stay home with old Dad instead of spending NYE with their friends. I don't believe his story. Also they are old enough to know that Dad is allowed a gf. Are you sure this guy isn't still married?

[Back_Again]

How can you be intimate with someone you have zero trust in?

 

It only happened once so far, and I regret it. It looked like things were moving in the right direction. It won't happen again for a very long time, after the recent events.

[Back_Again]

You said you're not in a relationship with him. Obviously he doesnt feel like he's in a relationship with you. Its just casual dating. According to you. So arent you making too much of this? It was a date, he cancelled. Does it matter why?

 

If you want to keep dating him, then go out with him. (Tho I cant imagine why you'd want to be treated like this, non-relationship or not). Seems like the boundaries have already been set. He's calling the shots. Take it or leave it.

 

Yes this is exactly it. I am mainly bothered by the way he cancelled, the night before, without even giving me the chance to make other plans. And whoever she is, she must have decided to be with him recently and suddenly. I have a whole scenario in my head now, whether it's true or not I will never know.

[Back_Again]

I agree his excuse about the kids makes absolutely no sense. 16 and 17 year olds would be screaming if they had to stay home with old Dad instead of spending NYE with their friends. I don't believe his story. Also they are old enough to know that Dad is allowed a gf. Are you sure this guy isn't still married?

 

He didn't want to let them spend it with their friends because he didn't know the family, so they got mad and stayed home - that's his story. True or not, how could I know? All I have is what he tells me, and he will never tell me the truth, if it was another woman, as he doesn't want to lose me either. So the ball is in my court now, I just don't know what to do with it and I am running out of time as I'm sure he will contact me soon.

[amaysngrace]

It only happened once so far, and I regret it. It looked like things were moving in the right direction. It won't happen again for a very long time, after the recent events.

 

What? You're not having sex with him?

 

You guys are just friends with no benefits?

[Back_Again]

What I am thinking of doing is cooling it off, staying away from doing "couple-y" things (sex included), saying no the next few times he wants to get together, and basically only hang out with him as friends here and there. Not mention NYE anymore because it would be moot, he will never volunteer the truth.

Does this sound like a good plan? Anything else I should do, except for cutting him off completely?

[Whodatdog]

He says he doesn't want a relationship with anyone, not only me...and since I am not looking for a traditional relationship myself, this was ok with me because in spite of not being in a relationship, he has been paying me lots of attention, spent Xmas with me, and things were better than before he "cooled things off". He actually seemed like he was putting in an effort. I was confident things were improving and there was nobody else in his life, as he wanted to spend both Holidays with me...and now I don't know anymore. What happened threw me off completely, I didn't expect him to do this. I mean, why make plans with me if he wanted to spend NYE with someone else?

 

Until he meets someone that he does. Its the old story, the oldest line in the book. He's not in love with you. It makes it easy for him to treat you the way he does. If he wanted a relationship, 16,17 year old kids would never ever stop him.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

What I am thinking of doing is cooling it off, staying away from doing "couple-y" things (sex included), saying no the next few times he wants to get together, and basically only hang out with him as friends here and there. Not mention NYE anymore because it would be moot, he will never volunteer the truth.

Does this sound like a good plan? Anything else I should do, except for cutting him off completely?

 

I'm curious to know more about your relationship, like how you met him, what both of your "histories" are, ec.

[Back_Again]

What? You're not having sex with him?

 

You guys are just friends with no benefits?

 

I only had sex with him once since we started talking again, and I think it was a mistake on my part because he thinks I will be his FWB going forward. I am not interested in FWB, so I won't have sex with him anymore.

[Whodatdog]

You've been suspicious of this guy for over 2 months now. How long are you going to put yourself in this miserable position?

[Back_Again]

I'm curious to know more about your relationship, like how you met him, what both of your "histories" are, ec.

 

It would take hours lol...it's a long, drawn out story of two people who have a lot in common and are very compatible, but where the guy refuses to see what's in front of him in spite of knowing *something* is there and has been for a long time. Basically neither one of us wants to give the other up, but he doesn't want to give up his freedom either.

Neither one of us wants a regular relationship (to move in together, etc), so what we had worked out for me just fine. However if he is going to lie and use his kids as a reason to bail on me last minute going forward, I don't like that. It makes me feel this small. Nor do I want to share him with other women, and he says I don't as he is not dating anyone else. Then he turns around and does this. What am I supposed to think?

[act00]

I don't think there's anything more to do. You stated you've already caught him in a couple of lies, so your trust is broken. Unless you decided to take a drive to the house and see if another woman was there (car parked in the driveway), you just don't know, and if you ask, he'll deny it. You will never know. You can continue dating him and see if things get more serious and STILL never know (and do you really want to at that point?) or walk away from this because you seem to already have issues with his character, and it's just not good footing to build on.

 

I don't know what the situation is with the kids. Are they unruly and untrustworthy teens to the point that he can't leave them unattended? I dated a guy that had not told his children he was dating, and I get it, and he needs to manage his children accordingly. Some kids can be really broken over divorce. Me? My parents fought so much, I was relieved they finally did it. It wasn't an easy path, but life goes on. My children were super little when we split, and they don't seem highly damaged by it. Their father is remarried...we've both dated. I understand the discomfort and secrecy, but I don't understand not putting some reality out there and working through the struggles....dad/mom is dating.

 

Early on, you don't introduce the kids to the mix...this is normal.

 

Here's the thing. So the kids were home-bound, and that killed your plans of going to his place for NYE. Bummer. Kids kill plans a lot. But these kids are older and are certainly old enough to be home alone for a few hours. Maybe you couldn't go to his place and spend the evening, or night, but why couldn't you go grab a drink or dinner for a couple hours or so? Or why couldn't he come to your place for a couple hours? You can't ring in the New Year together, but grab a bite and smooch in the parking lot...go home. Unless these are high-need children or they can't be trusted at all, the only thing you really need to do with teenagers is toss them a pizza and leave them to their XBox. "I'm meeting with some friends, I'll be home by 10." Done and done. They're so wrapped up with their friends and games and texting, they hardly notice you're gone.

 

If it were me, if there were this many issues with lying, whether or not there's another woman (or many women), I think I would just consider him not invested in pursuing anything long-term, or at least not with me, and maybe just not ready to settle down...let this one go. Drop the rope. You can continue to see him whenever he's available, but don't make him your priority anymore at this point. Go out with your friends, date other men, stay home and eat ice cream and power watch a series while enjoying the fact you don't have to shave or put on makeup...maintain your life...he is not your orbit.

 

There's really no point in confronting him. Even if he was spending the night with another woman, he isn't going to tell you, and if he did, you'd be walking away anyway. There are so many situations where you will not know. There is no closure. Knowing isn't going to make it any easier. I wish there was a defined formula, but there isn't. Your faith in him is shaky...let him go.

[Back_Again]

You've been suspicious of this guy for over 2 months now. How long are you going to put yourself in this miserable position?

 

Truth be told, I lack trust in men in general and him in particular. So it could be my paranoia too... I've been feeling great about things recently up until this happened. Now I strongly suspect he's lied and there is someone else, despite his efforts to convince me of the opposite.

[Whodatdog]

You need to read your other thread. Again. Im thinking the problem isnt him, its you. For some reason you just wont let this guy go, in spite of him treating you like you're nothing. He's shown you that you mean nothing to him, just some one to spend time with when he has nothing else to do.

 

Read it again.

 

You've said you're afraid of letting him go because you'll be alone. Well, you're alone now. So what have you got to lose? Youve been on and off with him for years and years. He obviously has no interest in making anything permanent with you; he would have by now.

Edited January 1, 2018 by Whodatdog

[Back_Again]

I don't think there's anything more to do. You stated you've already caught him in a couple of lies, so your trust is broken. Unless you decided to take a drive to the house and see if another woman was there (car parked in the driveway), you just don't know, and if you ask, he'll deny it. You will never know. You can continue dating him and see if things get more serious and STILL never know (and do you really want to at that point?) or walk away from this because you seem to already have issues with his character, and it's just not good footing to build on.

 

I don't know what the situation is with the kids. Are they unruly and untrustworthy teens to the point that he can't leave them unattended? I dated a guy that had not told his children he was dating, and I get it, and he needs to manage his children accordingly. Some kids can be really broken over divorce. Me? My parents fought so much, I was relieved they finally did it. It wasn't an easy path, but life goes on. My children were super little when we split, and they don't seem highly damaged by it. Their father is remarried...we've both dated. I understand the discomfort and secrecy, but I don't understand not putting some reality out there and working through the struggles....dad/mom is dating.

 

Early on, you don't introduce the kids to the mix...this is normal.

 

Here's the thing. So the kids were home-bound, and that killed your plans of going to his place for NYE. Bummer. Kids kill plans a lot. But these kids are older and are certainly old enough to be home alone for a few hours. Maybe you couldn't go to his place and spend the evening, or night, but why couldn't you go grab a drink or dinner for a couple hours or so? Or why couldn't he come to your place for a couple hours? You can't ring in the New Year together, but grab a bite and smooch in the parking lot...go home. Unless these are high-need children or they can't be trusted at all, the only thing you really need to do with teenagers is toss them a pizza and leave them to their XBox. "I'm meeting with some friends, I'll be home by 10." Done and done. They're so wrapped up with their friends and games and texting, they hardly notice you're gone.

 

If it were me, if there were this many issues with lying, whether or not there's another woman (or many women), I think I would just consider him not invested in pursuing anything long-term, or at least not with me, and maybe just not ready to settle down...let this one go. Drop the rope. You can continue to see him whenever he's available, but don't make him your priority anymore at this point. Go out with your friends, date other men, stay home and eat ice cream and power watch a series while enjoying the fact you don't have to shave or put on makeup...maintain your life...he is not your orbit.

 

There's really no point in confronting him. Even if he was spending the night with another woman, he isn't going to tell you, and if he did, you'd be walking away anyway. There are so many situations where you will not know. There is no closure. Knowing isn't going to make it any easier. I wish there was a defined formula, but there isn't. Your faith in him is shaky...let him go.

 

So true... He said he didn't trust the kids not to sneak out if he wasn't home, and he felt like they were tricking him into letting them go to that party he didn't want them to go. Hence, they ended up just staying home. Does it make sense? I guess anything is possible.

You're right, I will never know and this is killing me. Knowing would make my decision so much easier.

I suppose I will lay low and cool off of him. Be polite but keep it at friend level, with none of the couple-y stuff. What else is there for me to do? He said he'd make it up to me, but I don't see how. NYE was special and he knew it was special that he was spending it with me. He took that away, so any regular weekend is not going to make up for it.

 

I feel pretty hopeless right now.

[Back_Again]

You need to read your other thread. Again. Im thinking the problem isnt him, its you. For some reason you just wont let this guy go, in spite of him treating you like you're nothing. He's shown you that you mean nothing to him, just some one to spend time with when he has nothing else to do.

 

Read it again.

 

You've said you're afraid of letting him go because you'll be alone. Well, you're alone now. So what have you got to lose? Youve been on and off with him for years and years. He obviously has no interest in making anything permanent with you; he would have by now.

 

It does look like it, doesn't it? I think I will gradually let him go, after all if someone else was more interesting than me to spend NYE with, there is no hope for me. And, he knew I was suspicious he was going to be with someone else, and did nothing to reassure me.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

After reading your other thread (a little) it appears to me that you're a relationship person involved with a person who has no intent on ever being in a relationship in his life. You seem to believe that YOU will be the person to change that in him, but I highly doubt it. He likes his life the way it is.

[Back_Again]

After reading your other thread (a little) it appears to me that you're a relationship person involved with a person who has no intent on ever being in a relationship in his life. You seem to believe that YOU will be the person to change that in him, but I highly doubt it. He likes his life the way it is.

 

Spot on again! He told me many times this is how he is and he won't change. I do know he won't change, but when we are together he does act as if he has feelings, and I don't think he fakes it completely but clearly he wants me as well as others.

I realize the best thing to do is let him go. After all, if I mean so little to him then there's no point in holding on... It may sound like a little thing to all of you, but to me this NYE was an eye opener and it shook everything I thought to be real about me and him. He chose someone else, and did so abruptly with close to no notice. I wish I could confront him, but doing so would make me look insane.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Spot on again! He told me many times this is how he is and he won't change. I do know he won't change, but when we are together he does act as if he has feelings, and I don't think he fakes it completely but clearly he wants me as well as others.

I realize the best thing to do is let him go. After all, if I mean so little to him then there's no point in holding on... It may sound like a little thing to all of you, but to me this NYE was an eye opener and it shook everything I thought to be real about me and him. He chose someone else, and did so abruptly with close to no notice. I wish I could confront him, but doing so would make me look insane.

 

I don't normally advocate stalking behavior, but maybe you should have driven by his house last night to see if his vehicle was there (if applicable).

[elaine567]

OK if we are talking normal people here. a normal person may have to cancel NYE plans very late for any number of reasons, but a normal person would recognise that they had ruined their friends NYE and would be trying to make amends and a text to say having an early night at 10pm or Happy NY at midnight, or sorry fell asleep, got too drunk the next morning even... it is not a big deal... takes a few seconds.

 

You are used to putting up with rubbish from him and you make endless excuses for him but the bottom line is he is using you and he will continue to do so as long as you let him.

 

New Year.

Perfect time to make a resolution.

Enough is enough.

Dump the chump.