Tidyness and Time

[cabbageman]

This is just bizarre. You two can't afford eggs but you're buying weed for yourself and smoking on the regular with a baby around??? And you say SHE'S the one who needs help adulting?

 

 

Yeah, I buy the $3 eggs just don't believe in the $6 ones, it's not like we're starving or anything, it's just she expects a higher standard of living then I do.

 

And yeah I'm a responsible smoker, have my own house and manage just fine alone, nothing wrong with that.

[SammySammy]

Standards are too low.

 

In relationships, we can always lower our standards but never raise them.

 

Once you saw she was childish, selfish, irresponsible, and unclean you should have ended the relationship. Once you saw she couldn’t meet your standards, you should have moved on. Not lower them by sticking around. And definitely not having a child with her.

 

There is no way she will ever conform to you demanding more from her now. You’ve accepted her giving much less. The bar has been set. Why should she change when she’s comfortable the way she is?

 

That’s why it’s important to know what we want going into a relationship. Set those standards and expectations high at that point. Their response is an indicator of whether you should continue the relationship or not. That’s how you avoid situations like this. Messy relationship with someone who can never meet your needs.

Edited December 29, 2017 by MidKnightDreams

[cabbageman]

I guess I feel to that regard, that she should have lived with me before we had a child, because I would have seen that and moved on. I had no idea she was such a slob until she moved in with me while she was pregnant. Very true.

[Popsicle]

 

Custody isn't an issue. Both of us aren't interested in lawyers profiting, we would do an equal split. I would be a weeknight and weekend dad, there is nothing wrong with that folks. And I did the math, it would actually be cheaper to pay child support then have her continue to live with me, that's how much she is draining. She would have to go on welfare until she got a part-time job in the evenings or something like that is my guess.

 

Welfare? Am I reading that right? More than likely she is not going to get welfare if you are in the picture and paying child support. What’s more likely is you both will have to have full time jobs and split daycare costs.

 

As for what to say to her, be firm through the tears and tell her that you want to part ways. Give her a deadline and tell her she has to find a job and a new place.

[eye of the storm]

Not going to get into the stay together/break up discussion.

 

 

As far as communicating, tell you that there will be a roommate discussion on (insert date/time). Items to be discussed are

1. cleaning schedule and chore chart

2. income and budget

3. timeline for cleaning out basement

4. relationship/parenting expectations

 

 

Tell her to take the time from when she is notified to when the meeting is to think about things she wants to bring up and discuss. But tell her that items will be discussed and if she chooses to not participate then the decision on these items will default to you wishes. If she does not want to have this discussion at all, then you both need to discuss dissolving the relationship and you need to discuss timelines and details on co-parenting.

 

 

This cannot be a your-way/highway conversation. You have to be willing to listen also.

 

 

Let her know that the status quo is no longer working and things will change. It is her choice on how they change.

 

 

Then do not back down. Stay firm and kind. She is the mother of your child but that does not mean you have to live in a stressful messy home.

[MJJean]

You tell her she needs to grow up in some way, she loses her mind, you back off, she wins. She throws fits and has emotional meltdowns because it works. She's a 42 year old woman (my age) and believe me, she knows exactly what she's doing. She's not going to change and suddenly become a fit partner. Either sack up and end it or accept this is your life. Those are your options. If you end it, cut off access to your money and personal documents first and seriously consider speaking to a lawyer re: an emergency custody and parenting time order.

[anika99]

You and your gf both sound really emotionally stunted. You describe her as being mentally ill and the things you say and the way you say them reveal that you are also very immature and undeveloped.

 

In another thread you describe yourself as getting bored easily, your gf doesn't stimulate you, you always walk away from women once you become bored. When I used to whine to my parents about being bored my step father used to say "only boring people get bored". Man that used to make me mad, lol...because I was an immature petulant teenager and I didn't get it. As a fully developed adult I totally understand what my stepfather meant and I agree with him. People who expect others to stimulate them and entertain them are immature and childish. My life probably looks pretty dull to some people but I am literally never bored. I never run out of things to do on my own or with others to occupy my mind and my time.

 

It sounds like both you and your gf are stuck emotionally in adolescence. I would recommend counselling for both of you but not couples counselling, individual counselling. You both need to focus on yourselves and your own issues for awhile before you can fix what is wrong with each other and your relationship.

[amaysngrace]

How is she suppose to ever get a job if she can't pass a drug test?

[wmacbride]

What is a better way to communicate then? Can you give me an example? Sorry but I am french and in our culture we are as blunt as possible, I realize this is the reason why are often considered rude.

 

Bull.

I know lots of fench people, and while they may be blunt,they don't go around being vulgar.

 

Your own words indicate a huge source of your problem. You've got an excuse for everything, and refuse to take responsibility for your bad choices.

 

It;s not your astrological sign, it's not not that you are french, an artist, superior to the rest of us or anything else. It's all in you, and you are in the situation you live in because of choices you made. Now, sadly, you also have an innocent baby who's been dragged into your chaos.

 

Look, it sounds like your girlfriend is mentally ill. She didn't ask for that...no one does. On one level, she may deeply love her child, but it doesn't sound like she is capable of being a good parent. She needs psychiatric help to reach a point where she can become stable, and even with that, she may never reach that point. It's not about her being a bad person or anything like that. She has an illness.

 

Having her raise a child brings to mind the analogy of how, on an airplane, they tell parents to put the oxygen mask on themselves first,as that will ensure they will be able to help their child put on theirs. Ask the adult children of parents who were mentally ill and didn't get the treatment they needed. Their childhoods were often a complete mess.

 

You both need to put your child first, and it doesn't sound like either of you can.

[wmacbride]

You tell her she needs to grow up in some way, she loses her mind, you back off, she wins. She throws fits and has emotional meltdowns because it works. She's a 42 year old woman (my age) and believe me, she knows exactly what she's doing. She's not going to change and suddenly become a fit partner. Either sack up and end it or accept this is your life. Those are your options. If you end it, cut off access to your money and personal documents first and seriously consider speaking to a lawyer re: an emergency custody and parenting time order.

 

Really, he's no better equipped to parent than she is. He knows all the "hot button" words, but doesn't really get the meaning behind them.

[MJJean]

How is she suppose to ever get a job if she can't pass a drug test?

 

Same way the rest of us do. Either buy synthetic urine (lab grade, the stuff used to calibrate the machines, not the cheap crap), use human urine (friend, family member, or purchased), or look for jobs that don't drug test.

 

 

Really, he's no better equipped to parent than she is. He knows all the "hot button" words, but doesn't really get the meaning behind them.

 

In my state, at least, an unmarried father has no enforceable parental rights without a court order even if he's on the birth certificate. If the mother decides to pack up and move 500 miles away or simply not allow the father access to his child, there isn't a damn thing he can do unless or until he has a court order. If I were a man, I'd be on that first thing.

[merrmeade]

What is a better way to communicate then? Can you give me an example? Sorry but I am french and in our culture we are as blunt as possible, I realize this is the reason why are often considered rude.

Uh, no. Every Frenchman is NOT as blunt as possible. My daughter-in-law is the essence of tact itself. Her mother: scary blunt. Her father: never. None of her brothers. Anyway, being French doesn't mean you can't learn how to communicate effectively and respectfully.

 

You want to know how to do it? A schedule and script? I think eye of the storm's post is good. Call it a roommate discussion or family meeting, but schedule one every week.

Not going to get into the stay together/break up discussion.

 

As far as communicating, tell you that there will be a roommate discussion on (insert date/time). Items to be discussed are

1. cleaning schedule and chore chart

2. income and budget

3. timeline for cleaning out basement

4. relationship/parenting expectations

 

Tell her to take the time from when she is notified to when the meeting is to think about things she wants to bring up and discuss. But tell her that items will be discussed and if she chooses to not participate then the decision on these items will default to you wishes. If she does not want to have this discussion at all, then you both need to discuss dissolving the relationship and you need to discuss timelines and details on co-parenting.

 

This cannot be a your-way/highway conversation. You have to be willing to listen also.

 

Let her know that the status quo is no longer working and things will change. It is her choice on how they change.

 

Then do not back down. Stay firm and kind. She is the mother of your child but that does not mean you have to live in a stressful messy home.