wife is staying with friends - says she's "done"

[road]

For all those that say he should not bother to try

and date his wife. I will admit the odds are long

against him.

 

Though this is a man that wants to snatch victory

from the jaws of defeat.

 

Victory, in this case a slight chance of victory

has no chance of happening unless he tries.

In many football games with the clock running

out the Hail Mary pass has failed many times.

 

Though people still attempt that play because

the Hail Mary pass has snatched victory from the

jaws of defeat from time to time.

 

OP, take your best shot. Because if the Hail Mary

pass does not work for you, you will know that

you did your best.

[MidwestUSA]

It's ironic, OP, that you avoided a wage paying job for three years to avoid paying child support, yet when your son came to you, you were hardly prepared.

 

Perhaps your wife resents supporting you while you were working under the table only, and arguing politics on Facebook? Despite what she may have said, we women tend to have a thing about the bread winning in the family.

 

I'd say the build up of resentment is insurmountable. It's a case of too little, too late. You want the changes you've made in two weeks to override years of frustration. Sorry.

Edited January 3, 2018 by MidwestUSA

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, if only someone could look into the future and advise the OP. You know, the crystal ball thing.

 

As road said there is the slimmest chance for the OP to get back with his wife but then miracles do happen. Stoic, you must continue to work on yourself till you have turned over a completely new leaf. For the moment just concentrate on being the best Dad for your son and keep thoughts of women out of your head. You must change for your own sake so that you are a happy man, not just in appearance but in actual fact. From everything you've written I would place you at around 29 or 30 years of age. That 8s a young enough age for you to make a completely fresh start and when you are ready in all respects, you will find the woman of your dreams or maybe, I should say, you will be the MSN of some woman's dream and things will fall into place for you. Life throws challenges at us to help us grow. This is your challenge and you have to benefit from it by growing. Warm wishes.

[StoicHusband]

Thanks for all the advice.

 

In truth, there have been new developments that changed everything about how I was thinking.

 

My wife encouraged me to get custody of my son. She told me to quit my job. She knew what was coming and she supported me all the way thru it. She honestly did think it was what she wanted.

 

Now everything was going great for us. Expensive dentist **** was taken care of. I am working a good job. I have managed to control my anxiety. I am happier, more positive and had quit the politics months ago.

 

In the end it wasn't about me. It's her. She was building an emotional connection with a younger guy at her job, some pothead that has no responsibility and no real goals. She set her status to "in a relationship" with the date as THE DAY SHE LEFT.

 

She started coming home angry because of a seared conscience and no matter what I tried to understand it this affair turned her against our family and our marriage. She's now built a wall around her heart and won't bother to talk to me. She messaged on Thursday to tell me that she's filing for divorce next week. She said "it will be uncontested, right? I don't want this to get messy, name."

 

She's messed up. I'm getting past it. I now understand that while, yes, there are many thing I can improve I am not the problem here. She has an issue with my son and always has. She doesn't want to work things out. She's moving on. She will never talk to me again and she's going to bottle me up with everything else she feels. I'll never see resolve.

 

I maintain hope, like the puppy-dog that I am. The loyal hound.

 

My response to her message was this:

"If you want a divorce I won't stop you. I know what your mom and sister think and I also know what they have (nothing/no one), but I wonder what your grandpa and nana would think (married 45 years). What they have is what I've always wanted and I want it with you. If you don't want that then, that's fine, but it's your decision not mine"

 

I am such an idiot for wanting to work it out with her at this point. I have decided to move on and I'm doing all I can to make my and my son's life better. I've given up the (occasional) weed I was smoking. I've taken up regular exercise. I'm working more. I've started looking for jobs that will offer benefits and more pay. I intend to do all the things I could never do with her around.

 

I want it all in this life. I want money, cars, medical care, houses, my own businesses, toys and, yes, the wife I deserve.

 

To anyone in a similar situation reading this: We deserve better than an unfaithful wife, regardless of our shortcomings. Marriage is about honesty and communication and if a person can't give us that then it's not a marriage at all.

 

This was a ten year weed-and-sex fest. I see that now. As soon as I grew up and took on more responsibility she now wants out. The moment she saw that I could actually accomplish the (important and challenging) goals that we had laid out, she wanted no part in it.

 

I don't deserve this. I am a good man. I have done everything the best way I could and I have done right by my son and my wife to the extent I knew how. I only smoked because I thought that's what she wanted. I have only ever done what I thought would make her happy and now I'm free to do what I know will make me a success.

 

One of my neighbors asked me how my holiday was, I opened up a bit. He said "that sucks, same thing happened to me". Later that week I saw him and his little boy leaving the house. They had nice clothes from head-to-toe, they jumped in the Cadillac that was idling in the parking lot of our condos. As they sped off with that racing exhaust whine... I knew. That's what I want.

 

I can never trust a woman to make me happy in the way I can trust that being a good provider to my son will. I'm so angry at myself for allowing weed to keep me down all my life. I'm my dad all over again and I hate myself for it.

 

I'm never going back to how I was. In 6 months she's going to wonder about me and when she looks to find out I want her to know she messed up. Success is the best revenge.

 

GOALS:

1. I want a govt job. Failing that: I want a job with health insurance and dental.
   
2. I want to be fit again, fitter than I've ever been.
   
3. I want women to admire me for my successes.
   
4. I want to get my son a good education, Homeschool past 5th grade is beyond my skill.
   
5. I want to see him walk across a stage at graduation.
   
6. I want to be free of substances that I have abused, entirely. (caffeine, weed cigarettes, sugar and all others.)
   
7. I want a savings account.
   
8. I want to go on a vacation (I never have, even as a kid).
   
9. I want to learn how to dress better, always been a jeans and tshirt guy.
   
10. I want to pay for his higher education, be it trade school or college.
    
11. I want tools, guns, vehicles, property and so many other things that only money can buy.
    

 

Efforts so far:

1. I have lost 25 pounds from the stress (I swear, I'm forcing myself to eat).
   
2. I have not smoked weed, had sugar, or caffeine since she left.
   
3. I have enrolled my son in a charter school with a personalized lesson plan and a teacher that has many certifications (I chose her personally).
   
4. I have enlisted the help of some friends who work a govt job to build my resume and apply.
   
5. I have been lifting and walking regularly.
   
6. I have cut out negative influences. ( be it old friends, facebook altogether, etc)
   
7. I have thrown away anything that isn't an asset (projects that won't benefit us, knicknacks, etc.)
   
8. I have taken up studying code again and started a game server that people pay me to play on. (It has paid for two months hosting in 2 weeks online)
   
9. I have worked more hours at the job I currently have.
   
10. I have given myself hope for a better life.
    
11. I have trimmed my beard, groomed more frequently.
    
12. I have kept up with housework every day.
    
13. I have accepted the fact that she is gone, she's not coming back.
    
14. I have begun rebuilding my support circle. I ignored them all to smoke weed with her.
    
15. I have already begun saving money, she was bad at spending. (pizza, bars, etc.)
    
16. I have even put my cat on a diet and he's starting to me more active and lose weight.
    

 

Say whatever you want. Criticize me. I don't care. I come from generational poverty, my parents (meth dealers) didn't care about me and I was on my own at 14. I was a savage, gutter punk who grew up in the hood and I even sold drugs to get by many years ago (Before I could legally work). I am a recovered drug user and I intend to stay that way. (I gave it up when he was born)

 

I WANT MORE THAN THIS FOR MY SON.

 

I had no role model. I went to 25 public schools before I dropped out in 8th grade, yet I still graduated college with honors. I know what I'm capable of and it's time I achieved my potential. With her gone time moves very slowly, goals seem a long way from accomplished. Am I doing all I can? I think so.

 

Sorry for the rant. I could really use some input. Advice, criticism, suggestions, whatever.

[Just a Guy]

Hi stoic, I think you have an admirable set of goals for the New Year. Just stick with them through thick and thin. I think it is very good for you to be thinking so much about your son's future. Anyone one can achieve what they want if they truly want it.

 

As far as your wife is concerned, you are best off without her. She seems to have been a drag on you. As they say 'Good riddance to bad rubbish'! Wish you the best going forward.

[StoicHusband]

Hi stoic, I think you have an admirable set of goals for the New Year. Just stick with them through thick and thin. I think it is very good for you to be thinking so much about your son's future. Anyone one can achieve what they want if they truly want it.

 

As far as your wife is concerned, you are best off without her. She seems to have been a drag on you. As they say 'Good riddance to bad rubbish'! Wish you the best going forward.

 

Thanks. I'm starting to see it that way, too. She was always sulking, brooding. I'm tired of wondering what's on her mind and now that she's gone, she took my anxiety with her really.

 

I honestly do think that a mixture of her and the weed was causing it entirely. I always worried about her when I was at work, I never had a thought for myself. She always kept me guessing and that's not what a good wife does. I wish I hadn't spent ten years trying to hard to make her happy.

 

Before her I was always 15 minutes early for work, when I was with her... 5 minutes late.

Before her I did fine with money, she spent like it was going out of style.

 

She was never committed to this.

[StoicHusband]

She was never committed to this.

 

I'm starting to have such doubts. I obviously do love my wife. I really do know we can make this work. We wouldn't have made it ten years thru tick and thin if not.

 

I bumped into her yesterday at the store she works at, I needed boots and had no options for where to shop. I thought it was her day off.

 

She looked PISSED, I just turned and walked the other way, calmly. She slinked around the corner and went outside on break.

 

If she's so happy, she's getting what she wants, she's made her choice... why is she so angry and unwilling to discuss? Is there any way I can get her to talk to me?

 

Today is our ten year anniversary and I am thinking of sending her a message. Just letting her know that she was also my best friend, etc. Let her know I remembered.

 

I really don't want to divorce and it's starting to look like she doesn't either. I know she expected me to crumble when this happened and I have defied expectations. Any advice would he helpful.

[Marc878]

I'm starting to have such doubts. I obviously do love my wife. I really do know we can make this work. We wouldn't have made it ten years thru tick and thin if not.

 

I bumped into her yesterday at the store she works at, I needed boots and had no options for where to shop. I thought it was her day off.

 

She looked PISSED, I just turned and walked the other way, calmly. She slinked around the corner and went outside on break.

 

If she's so happy, she's getting what she wants, she's made her choice... why is she so angry and unwilling to discuss? Is there any way I can get her to talk to me?

 

Today is our ten year anniversary and I am thinking of sending her a message. Just letting her know that she was also my best friend, etc. Let her know I remembered.

 

I really don't want to divorce and it's starting to look like she doesn't either. I know she expected me to crumble when this happened and I have defied expectations. Any advice would he helpful.

 

You chase they move farther away. Better you stay NC

[Just a Guy]

Hi stoic, just keep moving on with your life. Live well, have fun and keep her out of your mind space. Let her chase you if she will. If not then you know she is over you completely. Next time walk into her store with another lady on your arm and ignore her. Let her feel and see that you've moved on. As the saying goes 'If you love her set her free. If it's meant to be she will return to you. If not then she was never meant for you'!

 

Remember your New Year resolutions. Stick with them. Change takes a little time to happen. Warm wishes.

[elaine567]

You chase they move farther away. Better you stay NC

 

It really depends on the person and the circumstances as to whether chasing will send them further away or bring them back.

 

If a person feels neglected and feels their SO does not care and they leave because they cannot stand the neglect any longer, then showing that person you are moving on, you are dating others, you are getting on with your life well without them, will NEVER get them back if that is your intention.

The only way you will get that person back is to show them you do care, to show them you are willing to chase, to show them you were wrong to neglect them.

 

Also it depends on the personality too, some people will retreat into a shell so when they see the other moving on, they are not fired up to get that person back, no they just accept defeat.

They are not induced to get in there, guns ablazing, no they just roll over and die.

They may love that person to bits but when they see him moving on, dating others, getting fit, they see no hope...

 

I also think some women are pretty romantic in their thinking, they love the fairy tale so whilst "make her jealous" may be a great ploy for Saturday night at the club, it is not such a great strategy when dealing with LTRs.

The fairy tale is about a man who adores her, she is his one and only and he will fight for her.

If they break up, he is supposed to be heart broken and will do whatever it takes to get them back together, to fix what went wrong.

I am not saying he needs to be clingy and needy as that is not good either, but he needs to steadfastly show her she is his woman and no-one else is on his radar.

IF he charges off in another direction and dates someone else to "make her jealous", then the fairy tale is ruined and she will never take him back.

The spell is broken.

 

Of course for some women "make her jealous" will work but you need to choose your subject very carefully, as it could all go irreparably wrong.

[BluesPower]

It really depends on the person and the circumstances as to whether chasing will send them further away or bring them back.

 

Not so much on this one. When a woman like this one is doing what she has done, any man is a fool if he chases her.

 

It never, ever works. My Ex was livid when I started dating, she even kind of stalked my ex GF's.

 

It took her about 5 minutes to understand the mistakes that she had made. Not my barrel not my monkeys.

 

Before I was done, I gave her chance after chance. I tried to tell her what it was going to be like. And she did not get it, and she never will.

 

Back to the point, I have hardly ever, ever chased a woman. I of course make the first move, and they get to decide if they want to go there.

 

One poor girl did not return a call once. Cool, NBD and then I guess she asked around a bit. Then, for about the next month she made such a habit of giving me such a big hug every time she ran into me.

 

Sorry dear, I am with someone else.

 

Never chase a woman, let her know you are interested, never chase...

[DKT3]

Not so much on this one. When a woman like this one is doing what she has done, any man is a fool if he chases her.

 

It never, ever works. My Ex was livid when I started dating, she even kind of stalked my ex GF's.

 

It took her about 5 minutes to understand the mistakes that she had made. Not my barrel not my monkeys.

 

Before I was done, I gave her chance after chance. I tried to tell her what it was going to be like. And she did not get it, and she never will.

 

Back to the point, I have hardly ever, ever chased a woman. I of course make the first move, and they get to decide if they want to go there.

 

One poor girl did not return a call once. Cool, NBD and then I guess she asked around a bit. Then, for about the next month she made such a habit of giving me such a big hug every time she ran into me.

 

Sorry dear, I am with someone else.

 

Never chase a woman, let her know you are interested, never chase...

There is something to this. It seems that when you have to chase it rarely ends, you will have to chase her the entire relationship. Women tend to be the primary caregiver for the relationship, if the man has to be it means she just not that into you. Maybe it's convenient for her.

 

Usually in those cases you are pretty much a place holder til someone better for her comes around.

 

OP, the bottom line is your wife has an issue with your son being there, it's not what she signed up for, it's not what she wants. You won't change that. Everything elses is window dressing.

[elaine567]

 

OP, the bottom line is your wife has an issue with your son being there, it's not what she signed up for, it's not what she wants. You won't change that. Everything elses is window dressing.

 

I agree that this girl is probably done, chasing her will not work.

 

I wrote in response to Marc response re chasing and to JAG saying to walk in to the wife's store with a woman in tow and that if it is meant to be it will happen...

Unlikely.

[Be_Strong]

In the end it wasn't about me. It's her. She was building an emotional connection with a younger guy at her job, some pothead that has no responsibility and no real goals. She set her status to "in a relationship" with the date as THE DAY SHE LEFT.

 

So your wife is in the middle of an affair. Her suddenly leaving and not wanting to work on the marriage makes a lot more sense now. Of course, when she left and you sent the long apologetic message to her going on and on about how it was all your fault and that you’ll try to be better, you completed validated everything in her mind that she was using to justify the affair. She probably immediately sent that to her boyfriend and told him, “see, I told you he was a terrible spouse and he admits it.”

 

A spouse admitting their faults is great for helping to repair a marriage UNLESS the other spouse is in an affair, and then the admissions completely backfire and only push the other spouse further into the affair.

[StoicHusband]

So your wife is in the middle of an affair. Her suddenly leaving and not wanting to work on the marriage makes a lot more sense now. Of course, when she left and you sent the long apologetic message to her going on and on about how it was all your fault and that you’ll try to be better, you completed validated everything in her mind that she was using to justify the affair. She probably immediately sent that to her boyfriend and told him, “see, I told you he was a terrible spouse and he admits it.”

 

A spouse admitting their faults is great for helping to repair a marriage UNLESS the other spouse is in an affair, and then the admissions completely backfire and only push the other spouse further into the affair.

 

100%, I felt like an idiot when I found out. I did even worse when she called on our 10th anniversary to say we should be friends. I can't believe how idiotic I have been lol.

 

I'm less worried about it now. I'm more concerned with the things on my list and I'm doing great at them.

 

My son is in school, turns out he wasn't behind he is ADVANCED.

• lost 40 lbs in 4 weeks... using that stress to my advantage.
  
• exercising regularly
  
• getting more hours at work
  
• I'm in size 34 jeans again
  
• Girls from my past are hitting me up, telling me how good I look
  

 

I'm hearing about how dumb this new guy is and how pathetic and stuff lol. I'm really lost on why she would do this. It's hilarious really.

 

So I'm not the father she wants for her future kids... big deal. Maybe I don't want a pothead, drunk, adulteress for the mother of my future kids.

 

 

She has started asking me for ****, I've declined everything. I've stopped replying. I'm sick of her **** at this point and some of the women I've been talking to have made me realize that she couldn't even have an intelligent conversation. She has no conscience and not a thought in her head.

 

She has asked me for:

• The cat (I said he can stay in his home)
  
• Some more weed (I told her I got rid of it, because I have)
  
• To split my tax return (I told her no, I don't have any family AT ALL and she does. I need that cushion)
  
• A Wii guitar controller - This is when I stopped responding.
  

 

I'm feeling better about myself every day. Today my son took his placement tests in school and I was so worried I hadn't taught him right in homeschool. When they said he was ahead of his peers I nearly cried right there at the school. I made it home and told him how proud I was then had him go play. I went to my room and I lost it.

 

I remember who I was before her now. This was the worst thing I can imagine happening. She completely ****ed my head up for ten years, then tried to finish the job 4 weeks ago. I'm good without her.

 

Anxiety is finally gone. Self-doubt is dwindling because everything she said has been found not to be true.

 

She can have that weird MF who walks like a robot with a stick up his a**, whose last girl left him for a woman... We'll see how this works out.

 

You know what I'd like from you guys now? Anyone know any appropriate breakup songs for me? So far been listening to:

• -Cee lo Green, F*** You
  
• -Mac Miller, Smile Back
  
• -Styx, Blue Collar Man
  
• and a few others... ideas?
  

[SammySammy]

 

I don’t have a breakup song, but if I did it would be that all-time classic - Return of the Mack.

 

I would be living it too. Be on top of my game and would do my best to forget she existed.

 

They say the best revenge is living well. Make sure you live well. Be the very best you can be.

Edited January 13, 2018 by MidKnightDreams

[Marc878]

Good to see you wake up and get out of the pathetic puppy dog stage.

[Just a Guy]

Hi stoic, well done. Now keep up the good work. Let her realize she lost the prize. I wouldn't ne surprised if she now starts hounding you and telling you she made a mistake and asking you to forgive her. With your new realization about her intellect, addictions and flawed character you would do well to ignore her. Good to know your son is above average and should for well in school.

 

Keep doing what you are doing to improve yourself and become the man of some good woman's dreams. You have a much brighter future without her in your life. Warm wishes.

[StoicHusband]

 

I don’t have a breakup song, but if I did it would be that all-time classic - Return of the Mack.

 

I would be living it too. Be on top of my game and would do my best to forget she existed.

 

They say the best revenge is living well. Make sure you live well. Be the very best you can be.

 

Good song. Good advice. Good God, I'm glad she's gone.

 

Good to see you wake up and get out of the pathetic puppy dog stage.

 

Loyal hound if ever there was one. That's me. Most of my friends say I handled it better than they did, that's some consolation.

 

Hi stoic, well done. Now keep up the good work. Let her realize she lost the prize. I wouldn't ne surprised if she now starts hounding you and telling you she made a mistake and asking you to forgive her. With your new realization about her intellect, addictions and flawed character you would do well to ignore her. Good to know your son is above average and should for well in school.

 

Keep doing what you are doing to improve yourself and become the man of some good woman's dreams. You have a much brighter future without her in your life. Warm wishes.

 

I really want to tell her off... bad.

 

I want to let her know she f***** my head up for 4 weeks and I don't take that lightly. I want her to know that I have tested myself in every way I could think of and still came out feeling like a bad motherf*****.

 

I don't know how to communicate this to her without making it seem like she got to me. I have been so stupid up until now. I feel great every night when I lay down to bed. Then I dream about my wife and I wake up shaking and puking and I just can't stand it anymore.

 

In these dreams she says the most awful things about him and her. She leads me around like she used to. She looks at me like I'm completely beneath her notice. I can't take it anymore. I need resolve.

 

I have considered destroying her s*** that she left here. I don't think this one's a good idea.

 

I have thought about writing her a message about what I've realized. I doubt it would make a difference.

 

I have considered ignoring her permanently and that just pisses ME off.

 

What am I missing here? Reality or what? Thanks guys.

 

--- ps ---

 

I have her things, I have changed the locks, I was expecting her to bring divorce papers this week. She's been hitting up my homies for -green stuff- I told them not to, they're loyal and they won't do it.

 

I doubt she's ever gonna file for this divorce and I think it's hilarious how gung-ho she was about it last week but now that the reality (money, time, effort) has arrived she's not into it. This woman is driving me nuts. I think I'm gonna call her tomorrow and tell her about my son's scores, then tell her that I've realized I fell right into her lies and justifications. Then I'm going to tell her that her stuff will be outside and to text me when she's almost here. I'll keep an eye on it til then. I want my life back, minus ten years if that's what I have to do.

Edited January 13, 2018 by StoicHusband

[Marc878]

You should file and the best way to deal with her is your <silence>

[BrokeInside]

 

In these dreams she says the most awful things about him and her. She leads me around like she used to. She looks at me like I'm completely beneath her notice. I can't take it anymore. I need resolve.

 

I have considered destroying her s*** that she left here. I don't think this one's a good idea.

 

I have thought about writing her a message about what I've realized. I doubt it would make a difference.

 

 

The message stuff seems pointless. I did do NC for three month with my 12 years wife after her leaving for another guy and recently, i did talk to her, but she's still in the same state of mind.

 

They doesn't see how much they hurt you. They doesn't see how bad they do for you, kiddos, and everyone around. And i don't even think they care.

 

The best way is NC, no talk, nothing and let them do whatever they want.

 

It's crazy because she come back to me sometimes and it's always for some money issues.

 

And she even ask me recently if she can "still be in my tax" too, less trouble for her ... I don't even know in which world do they live ?!

 

I have also considered destroying our wedding pictures with some fire and posting it on facebook but it seems so childish

Edited January 13, 2018 by BrokeInside

[Just a Guy]

Hi stoic, you have to stop giving her space in your mind. As long as you keep letting her into your thoughts you will keep suffering from these nightmarish dreams and thoughts. One way to achieve that is to forgive her (actually means forgiving yourself) because forgiving means letting go of her and her baggage and you will free yourself of your emotional link to her. You may also need some intensive IC to help you get over this.

 

Keep up your good work with your son and also on yourself. Regarding your wife's stuff let her come and take it away and if she is being tardy about it just send her a reminder. You should also file for divorce for which you should consult a lawyer, get to know your rights and what your liabilities are going to be. Get all your stuff organized before you file. Once she is served her tune will change and she is likely to come banging on your door asking for reconciliation. You will have to prepare yourself for a war mentally speaking and get all your defences in place. There is an axiom in the military which states that "The best form of defence is offence"! Remember this when things get nasty. Wish you the best for the future.

[whichwayisup]

Rise above it! DO NOT ever show emotion around her and whatever you do, don't go blasting her with a war of words. You are the bigger and better person here and have the power.

 

Let the anger pass through you, don't hang onto it and don't dwell on it. She's gone and you're free and single. You have your son and he adores/loves you. He knows you're the stable parent to rely on.

 

Join a gym and put that energy into a punching bag or a good workout.

[StoicHusband]

She started texting my son today. He had finally stopped asking about her. I had to cut off contact.

 

I wanted to post the conversation here. I feel like it went ok. She was emotional, I wasn't I didn't rise to any argument she tried to start. I made myself clear and she's coming to get her stuff today.

 

While I hope it's not the end for us, I had to close the door before we could ever have a future.

 

ME: I'm not so sure this is a good idea. He said to me after the night that you called. "She was my -
mom-" and he's asked about you almost every night, he finally stopped after school tests on Friday. He's tore
up about this.
He did really good on tests, scored above grade level

ME:I just want him to have stability.

HER:So having no mom is more the stability you want for him?

ME:If only I can give him stability then that's what I have to do. This isn't easy. I put him to bed and he'd call ME:
two hours later asking about you. He's finally getting sleep and he starts school tomorrow. I don't think he
can be friends after living with you for almost 4 years.
I am in the dark here, but I think he and I need time on this.

HER:Fine

Have you asked him what he wants?

ME:He's 12. He depended on us. Now he depends on me. I can't set the expectation of people coming and
going from his life when it's convenient. I'm doing the best I can with all of this. Do you think it's easy?
You're still acting like I'm angry. Like I'm lashing out. I just want my son to be able to go to bed without crying.

HER:I know it's not. I just feel like the damage is done, and he can still benefit from me.

ME:No. I've mitigated the damage. I've told him every night for three weeks that you are just doing what will
make you happiest.
I've moved mountains for my son and you never saw it that way. You listened to people judging us from
outside the situation. They don't have to deal with the consequences of your divorce. We do.

ME:You know I valued you as a parent to him even when you withheld your input.

HER:You seriously think it's best that I just cut off all contact with him?

ME:I think I can be all he needs if I have to be. If you saw what I've seen this month firsthand you'd be making
similar decisions. You've made your choices and now I have to make mine.
What I think is best was always of little consequence to you.
I'd like it if you could still be in his contacts as an emergency number. You're listed at his school as such.
I am a good Dad, HER. I won't let anyone change my mind about that again. This was about you, not me. I
see that now.
When I got his test results it all became very clear. That, coupled with the fact that he and I haven't had any
problems since a week or so before you left.
This isn't easy. It's just a fact of life I suppose. He needs to know that he can depend on his parents, even if
he only has one.

HER:You don't have to be all he needs, though. And what about what he WANTS? Did you ask him or not? He's
old enough to decide if he wants to see me.
What do you think the outcome will be if I spend time with him?

ME:I do, HER. And while he may be old enough to decide what he wants, he's not old enough to decide what is
best for him.
It is not best to teach him that people are temporary fixtures in his life, he's had enough of that.
He is looking to me for how he should respond and I've shown him well.
You said I'm not the type of father you want for your kids. I don't want my kids to think their mother can just
run from her problems. I'm not perfect, but I am always changing, hopefully for the better.
The outcome of your phone call was a week of nightmares, lost sleep, tears and painful conversations. I
would expect the same from you spending time with him. Understand that is why I've come to this
conclusion.

HER:You realize you are making me a temporary fixture, right? I still want to be apart of his life, and YOU are
talking that away. I think he's gonna resent you for that.

ME:This wasn't my decision. What have I done to make that so hard for you to understand? This affair is a
choice you are making every day.

HER:It's not an affair. We're not together. We're only married on paper. It's not like I'm coming back to
you...

ME:Then how is this my decision? I've moved on. I want the same for my son now.

HER:Fine. I need to come get my stuff. Maybe later today with my dad. That okay?

ME:Let me know, I'll put it outside.

[StoicHusband]

Would like to hear what people think of that convo posted in last post...

 

I'm analyzing like crazy. I felt good about it and I really think I had to do it, I worry that she feels like I only said these things because I am angry or something.

 

After that, we talked on the phone and I told her "I wasn't trying to get at you in the messages" and she sounded like she understood... Am I tripping?