CoolHandLuke1976 Posted December 28, 2017 Share Posted December 28, 2017 No point in trying to reconcile with this woman while she's still carrying on with this douche bag. Notify his wife asap. Notify the world. Nothing chokes the life out of an affair quicker than the light of day. Notify notify notify. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted December 28, 2017 Share Posted December 28, 2017 Hi all, I haven't posted here before. It's a bit of a story, but I need some advice. About 2.5 years ago I caught my wife cheating with a guy at her work. It had been going on for over a year before I got wise to it. When confronted, she pledged to stop, we went to counciling for 1.5 years and slowly made some progress. We have kids, so I didn't want to break up the marriage. During counciling, I found out the two were still talking, and he was obviously trying to restart something. I told her I was upset, even though nothing sexual happened and she needed to cut off all contact. She apparently did. Now, we bought a new house and seemed to be doing well, but I started getting suspicious. Some late night happy hours seemed to fit the pattern from before (she does these for work, she is in sales). I started snooping and found nude selfies on her phone. She certainly doesn't send them to me. I confronted her, and she admitted she had met him 3 times. No sex, but some touching. At this point I'm probably ready for the divorce. She wants to try to work it out. The other guy is married and has kids. I'm taking a week to try to decide and get my ducks in a row. On the off chance that I do want to try to work things out, should I contact the other guy and threaten to expose him to his wife unless he backs off? He's the one trying to initiate another relationship. Yes, my wife is very guilty as well, but does anyone think this would help or hurt? I've read enough on this forum to know the advice is to divorce. It's difficult because of the kids that I love dearly. Sorry I didn't use the normal abbreviations, still trying to puzzle them all out. You need to expose it to his wife. Don’t threaten, just do it. Or have your wife tell her what’s been going on. Then divorce her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tkelly Posted December 31, 2017 Author Share Posted December 31, 2017 Thanks for all the advice and tips (most of them at least). A couple of updates. The other spouse has been informed, and he's probably in for a rough time. Voice recorder is ordered, and will be installed in her car. I've got access to her phone and devices. The kids are mine (twins). We worked hard enough for a couple of months to make that happen 9+ years ago so I don't have any doubts there. Seeing an attorney to plan out the next steps. I hope she can keep her word and this is the end of things. But I'm prepared if she can't and will have divorce papers ready to go. We will see. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted December 31, 2017 Share Posted December 31, 2017 Did you check the laws in your state? Planting a recorder in her car may be illegal. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted December 31, 2017 Share Posted December 31, 2017 Nonsense. You tell your kids that you're checking if they're related to Elvis or Henry VIII. He has a right to know who the father of his children are, always. Period. His wife should be made to understand the seriousness of her actions, which she currently does not. The part about "throwing away objects" is merely you projecting your own issues on to a situation where we should offer our help. Yes, I am "projecting my issues" because I know how it feels to have a permanent, uncurable doubt about a parent's love. And mine wasn't even nearly as bad as him trying to prove that I wasn't his kid! If you think it's damaged me, that kind of proves my point, doesn't it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WilyWill Posted December 31, 2017 Share Posted December 31, 2017 Yes, I am "projecting my issues" because I know how it feels to have a permanent, uncurable doubt about a parent's love. And mine wasn't even nearly as bad as him trying to prove that I wasn't his kid! If you think it's damaged me, that kind of proves my point, doesn't it? Not sure what you're rambling about. People have a right to know the truth whether it suits your purposes or not. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 1, 2018 Share Posted January 1, 2018 Well in your other thread you complain about rarely getting sex. It's because she's having sex with her other married man. She's cheated for a long time - she's had sex with him for a long time. She's lied to you about so much for a long time. Looks like she's ruined your marriage. No reason to stay with a purposeful liar who cheats on you. Don't stay married because you have kids with a lying cheater - your relationship with your kids is separate from your relationship with your wife... you can spend more time making sure you nurture the relationship with the kids so they feel safe and secure with you. Their Mother couldn't possibly provide that while she's spending time ruining the family unit. Don't wait - file for divorce. She's not capable of being honest or faithful. She expects you to settle for once a month because she so busy giving it to her OM... it's pathetic that she pretended to repair the marriage and go to counseling - she never stopped seeing him - she only became more sneaky and a better liar. You deserve better than her. Stop waiting and stop being so understanding. It's a new year - file for divorce asap. That way you can be free of this cheater that's ruined your life. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Blunt Posted January 1, 2018 Share Posted January 1, 2018 TKelly You are compromising because you are emotionally weak at this time. Your wife has proven to you that she has chosen another man and rejected you for many years. She does not love you deeply or maybe not even at all. Will you be a better father and a better man by compromising and staying with a woman that has proven that her character at her core is not worthy of loyalty a or trust? Your children will benefit for a father that is whole and capable of giving them his attention and love without being emotionally damaged. What do you think? Do you think that you will be a better man and father by staying with your betraying wife or getting rid of her and rebuilding yourself? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 I would love a whole separate thread on this, and the definition of "bad." Many people got married long before they knew who they were, or had stable self-images. I hear this comment a lot and I always wonder at the truth of it. Especially if the adults can come to terms with their own issues, and keep the family unit together. Just interesting is all... curious on others comments on this thought. I don't know, perhaps start with openly dating other men while married to the child's father. Showing her children what her word means, how to honor the word she gave. Why thinking about adultery and actually going through with it are two separate deadly sins in the Bible. Showing by their actions that having unprotected sex with men outside of her marriage to their father is an acceptable behavior. Those are just a couple that one can start with without getting into the sleazy parts about having unprotected sex, risking her husbands health to STD's, pregnancy, bla, bla, bla. Grown people know right from wrong and good from bad. There is nothing wrong with open relationships as long as you both know your in one. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JS84 Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 You should hit her with the divorce papers and THEN see what she's willing to do to fix the damage she's done. This is the second time you've caught her. It's time for her to start seeing what her future might look like if she keeps ****ing around. She probably doesn't think you'll really leave. In which case she probably won't be too motivated to change. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 What are you doing to end this affair? What steps have you made for NC to be in place? Have you taken the first step to have WW quit her job? Have you done a complete exposure of this affair, who has been told? Was there a work place exposure? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted January 2, 2018 Share Posted January 2, 2018 If you are trying reconciliation, get a postnuptial made up with what you want. Have her sign it if she will, then if you ever catch her again everything is done legally. If she won’t sign it then she has no intention of stopping the affair. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 Nobody knows how they will react to an affair the first time. Nobody is prepared for the intense feelings, the pain, the misery and the wanting to wish it all could just go away. I wasn't prepared at all, and shattered by it all. I reacted in ways I never knew I would. But that was the first time. if it happened a SECOND time, I know exactly how I would react. She would be dead to me. Absolutely dead to me. You break my heart and my trust once, you may get a pass as I wobble to my feet and try to sort things out. You try it again, and I've got nothing for you. Nothing. Don't be a fool. Again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BarbedFenceRider Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 NEVER DO THIS. this is abusive to your children. this is permanently destroying your relationship with your children, in the hopes of causing pain to your wife. It doesn't matter what the test says. Even if they're 100% yours, your relationship with them is over, because they will never, ever forgive you. In their eyes, you suddenly reduced them to nothing more than objects, things that you were trying to throw away. I disagree. You don't need to tell the kids why they are being tested, but, they do need to be. You would be surprised at how many out of wedlock pregs end up with the husband left to pay for. Besides, they would want to know their real dad anyways. Too many poor life choices get a pass these days, and the cycle is allowed to continue on and on. Blow it up. Serve her papers and demand DNA. Or you will be paying for her infidelity for 18 years or more.... Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 You don’t need to serve papers for DNA because you don’t need or want your wife’s DNA. You can buy a kit at almost any drug store, WalMart or Amazon. You swab the inside of your cheek and the kid’s. Then you send the kit to a lab. If the kids are very young you don’t have to tell them anything, just do it. If they are older tell them the truth. They will always be your kid but you need to test their mother. If you want to get official results to stop child support (for example) you may have to get a court order. But only go to that trouble if the initial results say that they are not biologically yours. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 Tell your wife to order a DNA paternity testing kit, and to pay for it with her own paycheck. Tell her together that the two of you will perform a cheek swab on each kid to determine who the father really is. Go through with the test, make her participate in it. Have her submit to STD testing, also at her own expense. You will demand to see the test results--her word is meaningless. Explain to her that she's lost all credibility for the rest of her life, after having lied at least two times. . Yes. I did both of these. IN fact I went through with the DNA testing even though both of my sons are my spitting image, and the second one was born 4 years later and 2000 miles away. I did it PURELY as an exercise to show her the real depth of what she had done to us. It was a way of putting myself on the other side of a wall from her, and letting her know that this impacted much more than just my hurt ego. The STD test was similar. While I wasn't really worried about it, I still made her get tested like a friggen astronaut. She got one basic series done, and I sent her back for another series that included stupid diseases that were probably cured 50 years ago. Mostly to humiliate her, and again show her the depth of what she had done. I admit it. I needed her to walk across hot rocks to get back to me. if they won't do that, they aren't sorry. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 I disagree. You don't need to tell the kids why they are being tested, but, they do need to be. You would be surprised at how many out of wedlock pregs end up with the husband left to pay for. I'm quite aware that many kids are not fathered by who they think they are. And I don't object to the idea of finding out for sure, for medical purposes. That's useful information. However, when you say there "with the husband left to pay for", that gives the impression that you're suggesting a father who has raised children as his own for years should be able to abandon them flat if it turns out that they aren't genetically his. Something that is no fault of theirs. Or you will be paying for her infidelity for 18 years or more.... Again, this suggests that you think that after raising a kid for three, five, ten, however-many years, if you then find out the kid is not genetically yours, even though that child has loved and trusted you all its life, you should be able to walk away, no child support, no responsibilities. Do you think you should be able to walk away from a child if you find out it's not genetically yours? If not, why are you talking about paying "for 18 years or more"? If your child thinks that you were trying to get rid of any responsibility for them and were only grudgingly forced to continue supporting them when it turned out that yes, you are the genetic father, how do you think that is going to affect their relationship with you? Now sure you could have the test done quietly so that the kid never knows you were checking. But that's not usually what gets suggested in these infidelity threads. Most of the time people are suggesting that people do the test very openly, WITH the wayward spouse present, in order to frighten and punish the wayward spouse and make her "face the consequences of her actions". There's no way that's not going to be traumatic for the kids. I would suggest everyone should get babies paternity tested as babies. Just routine. Helps make sure there wasn't a hospital mixup, helps get any medical problems brought up early on, and prevents there from being a disorienting surprise later. And then, if you are the kind of man who would rather get out right away than raise another man's baby, then you can do that immediately, without first raising and then abandoning the child. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BarbedFenceRider Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 I'm sorry, so the WW steps out of the marriage and the kids, and somehow, the issue is them? What? I thought we were done with the emasculating part here... The fact is, you can love people without having to be financially burdened by them. If it is YOUR choice to be the financially responsible parent then so be it. But atleast have an informed choice. Not forced by a WW. Give me a break. The OP needs all the information because right now, he has none. He is being used like a appliance in the house. Talk about self loathing and resentment. You can say that love is blind or whatever. But overtime, it always comes to a head and then you look into the mirror and see what. A woman who betrayed a honest husband, kids that possibly not even his and a AP that is laughing all the way. Cruel. Get STD checks Get DNA test Go see multiple lawyers, serve the WW papers Get her out of the house and start 180. Get the kids dealt with lovingly. Supportive care and Ample time with you 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted January 4, 2018 Share Posted January 4, 2018 (edited) I would suggest everyone should get babies paternity tested as babies. Just routine. Helps make sure there wasn't a hospital mixup, helps get any medical problems brought up early on, and prevents there from being a disorienting surprise later. And then, if you are the kind of man who would rather get out right away than raise another man's baby, then you can do that immediately, without first raising and then abandoning the child. I think that this is a fantastic idea which I would strongly support. But it would never get passed. I could be wrong but I believe you can’t buy a DNA kit in France and New York. They don’t want to cause trouble for the mother or the kid. It’s much better to have a man conned into investing his love and money in a kid that isn’t his. In their opinion a kid needs a dad and facts don’t matter. It’s primitive to care about biology. It’s funny how they change their mind when the wrong baby is brought home from the hospital and the woman isn’t the biological mother. That makes worldwide news and the hospital is sued for millions. Why? If they were consistent you went into the hospital wanting a healthy kid and walked out with one. What’s the problem? Plus suing the hospital would hurt the kids feelings. You sue for damages. You were damaged by going home with that kid instead of your kid? Edited January 4, 2018 by Buckeye2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted January 6, 2018 Share Posted January 6, 2018 Hi Tkelly, you last posted on New Year's day. Any updates since then? Apparently you seem intent on giving your WW a very long rope but with vague consequences at the end of it. I think your wife has read you very well. You have'nt even asked her to change her job forget about taking more decisive steps to get out of infidelity. Why don't you report the matter to the HR department at her workplace? That should act as a dampener to the both of them. You are behaving like the typical Plan B husband and your WW is going to milk this fact to the fullest extent. You do not seem to be very perturbed by your WW's infidelity so why should she bother? She has faced NO consequences for her transgressions and that has emboldened her to push the envelope and test your limits. I guess you are some body who will only learn the hard way. Maybe your wife will gift you an incurable STD or another man's child. I agree this is harsh but the reason is to make you sit up and take notice. Do not continue to live in infidelity. Respect yourself and then maybe your wife will respect you. Have'nt you run the mind movies of your wife in bed having wild sex with her OM through your head? If you have it should jolt you into action. Just dwell on that for a moment. Wish you the best going forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Whatnotagain Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 He's gone. I think the OP was looking for some magic bullet solution where he can shock her into reality with disclosure and threat of divorce. His last post about seeing an attorney and having papers ready seemed to me more of an attempt to get her back than to sever ties with her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tkelly Posted January 13, 2018 Author Share Posted January 13, 2018 (edited) I’m not gone. I just don’t respect the posters here that obviously have so much hate for their own situation they can’t think straight. I’m seeing a divorce attorney, but you all need to get a grip. Yes, I probably will divorce her. The kids are mine, I have no doubts there, and I want them. She needs to follow a very strict line to have any hope. I’m recording her conversations. I don’t expect this to end well, but am well prepared to cut ties and serve her with a divorce. She will regret it, but that’s not my problem anymore. She brought it on herself and will need to live with the consequences. I know this is painful for all of you that have gone through it, but get a grip. Life will continue after divorce. I’m prepared for that. Edited January 13, 2018 by Tkelly 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 Keep reading even if you see no reason to reply. Why? Think of this Place as a diamond mine. 99% of what you see may be worthless to you. But every now and then you'll find a valuable diamond. And that makes the effort worthwhile. The most succinct advice I saw online was: your goal is to get out of infidelity . Whether that results in divorce or reconciliation is something you cannot immediately know. Dont make the mistake of deciding which will happen until you have become able to rationally think for yourself. Keep us updated if you can. It is true that someone here will have been through similar circumstances and may have pertinent advice. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Whatnotagain Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 I’m recording her conversations. I don’t expect this to end well, but am well prepared to cut ties and serve her with a divorce. What more is it you are looking for? You found nude selfies on her phone, which by your own admission were not sent to you. She cheated 2.5 years ago and you thought she ended contact with the AP, but you found out they were still in touch with each other. They met up but they only "touched"? Seriously you have all the information you need to make a decision right now, you don't need to keep playing detective. Most states are no fault divorce states so all this information you are seeking really doesn't matter. You are going to drive yourself crazy with all this investigating and the longer it goes on the worse it will get for you. You can't change who your wife is and make her conform to your values, making her walk a tight line is only going to make her hate you eventually. It really sucks but she doesn't value the marriage like you do and she probably never will. If she did, this would not have happened to you again. So I guess what I am trying to say is that if she didn't get it the first time, when you confronted her and went to counseling, etc., she probably never will. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 Just my two cents and I've never been through this... I would make her submit to paternity/DNA tests and an STD test to underscore just how little credibility she now has. You are a father so you will get this. Unless there are ramifications to a person's behavior they won't change. Like it or not you taking the high road the first time around was essentially like a parent not disciplining a child for skipping school. You trying to be the bigger person and continue on with your wife basically allowed her continue on with this behavior. Best of luck. Oh and I would definitely file. If only in the ramifications for her behavior sense. You can always withdraw the divorce petition. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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