aceclarity Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 Hi, I've posted here before around August, weeks after my ex dumped me for his ex. Here's the thread about how our relationship ended. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/631513-6-weeks-post-breakup-trouble-coping After that post, he messaged me around a week later (August 9 or so), apologizing for hurting me, to which I responded politely. I cut off all contact right after. A month later of NC (around second week of September), he sent me a message at midnight (with just my name, so I didn't know what his purpose was), to which I did not respond anymore. It's been no contact ever since. 4-5 months of NC til last week. He worked overseas and I had no idea he recently quit his job and was back in the country. So when he showed up unannounced at my workplace, I was completely stunned. If you read my previous thread, he didn't even bother see me the last time he was in the country. At first I really didn't recognize him. Then I assumed he was just passing by, since his ex also lived around the area. When he approached me, however, he told me he wanted to say sorry. I said it was all okay now, that everything was fine. He said he'd been there since noon and waited for over three hours to see me. We chatted a bit for like a minute or two, just catching up with... stuff. Work was over so I was about to go home. He asked me a few times if I needed to go somewhere else or do something else, I said I had nothing else to do and was just about to head home. He asked me a few times if I was hungry, I politely said I wasn't hungry every time. He also asked me a few times if I'd eaten lunch, and I said yes. As I was leaving, however, he asked the same questions again. So I returned the questions to him and asked him if he'd eaten anything and he said he hasn't. He asked if there's somewhere near we could eat, then I agreed to go with him. We ate and chatted briefly, about our families and what we've been up to. Neither mentioned anything about our relationship or the breakup. He didn't mention his ex (now his gf again, for whom he left me for), and I didn't have the courage to ask about her. The meeting was brief, lasting around 10-15 minutes only, I think. I left just right after we ate. That was five days ago and we haven't heard from each other since. I'm not expecting to hear from him again, and I don't plan on contacting him ever. It felt like a closure. But, as I'd feared, this meeting rekindled a tiny bit of hope which I'd been trying to get rid off--why the grand apology now when he'd already apologized before? Also, a mutual friend told me my ex had been asking about me, and male friends kept telling me guys only do that to re-open communication, seeing how I was the one who cut it all off. The help I need now is this... how do I keep myself from thinking too much about it? I'm doing my best, but I can't help it and the emotions are strong again. I can control the thoughts but not my feelings, and sometimes my mind wanders back to that meeting... I'm sorry for rambling. I just needed to get all that out. Thanks for reading and many thanks to those who can share their thoughts with me. Thank you!
SpecialJ Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 You were doing a great job on no contact... had you blocked him during that time? If not, I'd suggest blocking him now. He sounds like he has major boundary issues (he's got a LONG history of that with his ex, and now with you), and considering what he put you through during your relationship, you will feel better in life if you do not let him back in. If he shows up at your workplace again because he has no other way to contact you, let him know that you have been doing well and would appreciate if he did not surprise you at work again. If you have to ever speak to him because he's approached you again in general, you should consider just being upfront that he disrespected you in the past, and while catching up was nice, you've moved on and if he cares about you then he should respect that. If he means it and wants to fight for you after that, he'll show you, but I don't think you can trust this guy in a serious relationship after his ex was involved so heavily when you were together. I'm sorry you're going through this
LilySun Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 Well seeing an ex is almost always a guaranteed way to have old feelings come back. Even after a mutual break up that can happen. The way your feeling now will probably linger for awhile, but fade with time, unless of course any more contact occurs. I'm sure he still cares for you to some extent and maybe has some guilt for hurting you. To apologize and have a civil lunch with you just probably felt like the right thing to do for him. For closure, as you said. Asking friends about you is because he simply really cares about your well-being. My father has been re-married 20 years now and still asks how my mother is doing because he just will always care for her in that way, but not in a romantic way. If he continues to communicate however, then I would question if he had regrets or attempting to pursue more.
Akashsingh Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 I think this guy planned it meticulously to meet you and it was actually nice of him to meet you in person and apologize. This is something I have never been able to do in life. He is a strong man and you are lucky to have had him as part of your life. Apology almost always means to me, moving on. However I could be wrong. Of course, he didn't care for your feelings as in the past and hasn't exactly learnt what empathy is.
heartbrokenlady Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 I think this guy planned it meticulously to meet you and it was actually nice of him to meet you in person and apologize. This is something I have never been able to do in life. He is a strong man and you are lucky to have had him as part of your life. Apology almost always means to me, moving on. However I could be wrong. Of course, he didn't care for your feelings as in the past and hasn't exactly learnt what empathy is. I disagree. It was selfish of him. She went NC. He should respect that. 2
Akashsingh Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 I disagree. It was selfish of him. She went NC. He should respect that. It doesnt hurt to break contact once to apologize. I agree it was selfish but you cant fault the guy for trying. Now the ball is in her court. If she wants she can pursue or let it go. Someone has to break the NC if they want to reconcile.
elaine567 Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 It doesnt hurt to break contact once to apologize. I agree it was selfish but you cant fault the guy for trying. Now the ball is in her court. If she wants she can pursue or let it go. Someone has to break the NC if they want to reconcile. But I doubt it was about reconciling, it was about him saying sorry and assuaging his guilt. "See I am not a bad guy after all, you are fine, you don't hate me, and I can stop beating myself up about how I treated you." 1
elaine567 Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 It doesnt hurt to break contact once to apologize. It didn't hurt him, no, it hurt her. 1
heartbrokenlady Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 It didn't hurt him, no, it hurt her. Exactly. If in later years the one that was DUMPED is feeling good enough to be in touch, that is OK. But the dumper should NOT just show up. It reawakens heartbreak and that is very uncool. If you are considering reconciliation and you thing the girl you dumped may still be interested, you can send her a message. A message is not such a big deal. But if she does not reply? LEAVE HER ALONE. You ended it. Stand by your decision.
Bromeo Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 But I doubt it was about reconciling, it was about him saying sorry and assuaging his guilt. "See I am not a bad guy after all, you are fine, you don't hate me, and I can stop beating myself up about how I treated you." I think it may be the women whose company I keep, but I highly doubt any of them feel a shred of guilt about anything, least of all hurting my feelings. The reality is, if our former partners were even tempered, rational, and communicative, we wouldn’t be on love shack. In that case, they wouldnt have guilt to assuage, hence the irony. I told my ex to #poundsand about a year ago after months of game playing. She still went on my page and liked a ton of photos in a lame attempt to get my attention months later. Their unclear intentions indeed sucks. Op, in your case do what your gut tells you is right. The community can only speculate.
Recommended Posts