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6 weeks post-breakup and trouble coping


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Hi, I'm not really sure what kind of help I need, just maybe I need to hear other people's thoughts or encouragement or scolding, because I haven't really talked to anyone about the full details of what happened and every now and then I'm still having really bad days (mostly random crying).

 

I was with my bf (LDR) for three years. At the end of May, he went for a one-month vacation in our country. He was sure he would be spending all of it in his province with his family and I knew there was very little chance we would see each other. Weirdly enough, I didn't have any problem with that.

 

Ever since, however, I knew he'd been in touch with his ex and couldn't cut all ties because she had become very dependent on him (emotionally, and financially). Before and during the time we were dating, his ex's mother was dying (and needed countless surgeries) and I knew he had to be there for her emotionally and financially. At the end of last year, the ex's mother died.

 

I wasn't bothered he'd been sending her money. It was his money, not mine, so I didn't really mind. I'd be lying if though if I said I wasn't bothered she was an ex. Anyway, he lied to me once about cutting off all contact with her. Later last year also I found out that he couldn't straight out leave her because something had already happened between them (he didn't get her pregnant though).

 

Countless times throughout the years I told him that if he couldn't leave her or if he still loved her, he could tell me and I would do my best to leave them and deal with it. However, he always stopped me from leaving and reassured me he would set things straight at the right time.

 

After three years of us being 'together', the 'right time' never came.

 

Right after he left, I didn't hear from him for 2 weeks. He responded to my email only after the second week, and he told me not to wait for him and that he was only with his family. He assured me he would send me a message once his vacation was over.

 

Another week passes and I see his ex post a picture of him (he was sitting on the beach several feet away from her and unaware of the photo being taken). I asked him through emails if they were starting to see each other again. The day after that, I heard from a mutual friend that he had a new local number and that the ex said they were together.

 

It broke my heart but I still wanted to hear from him. Six days later, after receiving my email/s asking him to breakup with me blatantly rather than ghosting. That's when he told me through email that he chose her over me.

 

Right after that, I asked him if we could talk on the phone one last time. I found out the local number was really his and that he blocked my number weeks prior. He did his best to console me and I asked him initially if we could still be friends. He said yes. Then we asked about each other. He found out I was buying a car and that I've been really sick the past few weeks. I found out they'd seen each other and that he stayed with her for a while.

 

After crying all night and day after that, I decided not to contact him anymore. It just hurt too much. Breathing was painful and I felt like throwing up all the time. Two days after that, he emailed me, asking if I got the car. I did not respond. The next day, he sent me another email, asking me about the car again. I didn't respond, not because I was being mean, it just hurt. Hurt so much that he could ask about the car but not ask about me. Hurt that he blocked me and lied to me and ghosted on me when I've told him several times that he could break it up with me and I'll be willing to give him up if he still loved her or couldn't leave her.

 

I gave him so many opportunities for a decent, mutual breakup before all of this, all for his benefit. But he chose to leave me wondering out of the blue, ghost on me, block my number, ignore me for weeks, and lie to me.

 

The night after I received the second email, while I was out with friends, he called me on my number (which he previously blocked), three times, with 30-45 minutes gap in between. I never picked them up, not because I was being mean (I actually felt guilty for not picking up), but I was still in shock and I knew hearing his voice was going to be torture. I knew nothing he would say could help me at all. I don't think he regrets anything he did to me because if he did then he should've let me known (although he did say sorry and apologized several times the last time he called).

 

After that, I never heard from him again and he never heard from me too. Three weeks ago, I knew his vacation was over and he was back to work (where we always talked on the phone as he worked).

 

We had a shared Facebook account. We made it because he didn't have an account and he wanted to see my pictures and my family's. The only friends we had there was me (my own account), and my family's. We're the only ones appearing in that newsfeed. Anyway, ever since he returned from vacation, he'd been logging at least once to twice a day (my device receives notifications every time he does and it displays that the log-in was from his location and his device so I'm sure it was him). For three weeks, he'd been logging in everyday.

 

Three days ago, however, I decided to cut that off so I changed the password and deactivated it, so that he could no longer use it. My heart hurts so much knowing it was the last connection we had but I knew I had to cut it off because one day, when I no longer receive any notification or he no longer logs in, it will hurt me again. I also knew it was the only way I could start healing.

 

I'm on 6th week NC and I don't hope on getting him back. Three years wasted was enough. I have trouble dealing with the pain though. I guess I trusted him too much and he always assured me in the past that he wouldn't do exactly what he ended up doing now.

 

I just want to know if the pain gets better. At one point I'd like to believe he still cared since he logged into our shared FB everyday (no searches, so he only sees mine and my family's updates), but I'm also trying to convince myself that he's still this heartless guy who just doesn't care anymore because I don't want to give myself false hopes.

 

I just want to know if I did the right thing. Maybe removing him from the account would come off as rude and mean to him, and I feel guilty for that, but I just remind myself that this was the guy who also rudely blocked my number when I did nothing to bother him.

 

I just want to know how to go and where to go from this. Hurts so freaking much, and it was my first relationship (he always forced me to turn down other guys because he was always jealous and now I hate how he did that when he knew he couldn't leave his ex for me).

 

So many questions in my head... why didn't he just leave me when I gave him opportunities earlier if he knew he couldn't leave her? Why wasn't he honest at all? Why did he have to drag it this long? Was I really just used? Did he just use me as his toy, as entertainment, etc.?

 

I'm currently doing well at work and been going out a lot with friends and family and been enjoying my car so I guess I'm doing fine but when I'm alone it just hits hard and sometimes breathing is hard again and I couldn't stop crying. How long til the pain stops? Sorry for the veeeery long post and thank you for reading.

Edited by aceclarity
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Hi, I'm not really sure what kind of help I need, just maybe I need to hear other people's thoughts or encouragement or scolding, because I haven't really talked to anyone about the full details of what happened and every now and then I'm still having really bad days (mostly random crying).

 

I was with my bf (LDR) for three years. At the end of May, he went for a one-month vacation in our country. He was sure he would be spending all of it in his province with his family and I knew there was very little chance we would see each other. Weirdly enough, I didn't have any problem with that.

 

Ever since, however, I knew he'd been in touch with his ex and couldn't cut all ties because she had become very dependent on him (emotionally, and financially). Before and during the time we were dating, his ex's mother was dying (and needed countless surgeries) and I knew he had to be there for her emotionally and financially. At the end of last year, the ex's mother died.

 

I wasn't bothered he'd been sending her money. It was his money, not mine, so I didn't really mind. I'd be lying if though if I said I wasn't bothered she was an ex. Anyway, he lied to me once about cutting off all contact with her. Later last year also I found out that he couldn't straight out leave her because something had already happened between them (he didn't get her pregnant though).

 

Countless times throughout the years I told him that if he couldn't leave her or if he still loved her, he could tell me and I would do my best to leave them and deal with it. However, he always stopped me from leaving and reassured me he would set things straight at the right time.

 

After three years of us being 'together', the 'right time' never came.

 

Right after he left, I didn't hear from him for 2 weeks. He responded to my email only after the second week, and he told me not to wait for him and that he was only with his family. He assured me he would send me a message once his vacation was over.

 

Another week passes and I see his ex post a picture of him (he was sitting on the beach several feet away from her and unaware of the photo being taken). I asked him through emails if they were starting to see each other again. The day after that, I heard from a mutual friend that he had a new local number and that the ex said they were together.

 

It broke my heart but I still wanted to hear from him. Six days later, after receiving my email/s asking him to breakup with me blatantly rather than ghosting. That's when he told me through email that he chose her over me.

 

Right after that, I asked him if we could talk on the phone one last time. I found out the local number was really his and that he blocked my number weeks prior. He did his best to console me and I asked him initially if we could still be friends. He said yes. Then we asked about each other. He found out I was buying a car and that I've been really sick the past few weeks. I found out they'd seen each other and that he stayed with her for a while.

 

After crying all night and day after that, I decided not to contact him anymore. It just hurt too much. Breathing was painful and I felt like throwing up all the time. Two days after that, he emailed me, asking if I got the car. I did not respond. The next day, he sent me another email, asking me about the car again. I didn't respond, not because I was being mean, it just hurt. Hurt so much that he could ask about the car but not ask about me. Hurt that he blocked me and lied to me and ghosted on me when I've told him several times that he could break it up with me and I'll be willing to give him up if he still loved her or couldn't leave her.

 

I gave him so many opportunities for a decent, mutual breakup before all of this, all for his benefit. But he chose to leave me wondering out of the blue, ghost on me, block my number, ignore me for weeks, and lie to me.

 

The night after I received the second email, while I was out with friends, he called me on my number (which he previously blocked), three times, with 30-45 minutes gap in between. I never picked them up, not because I was being mean (I actually felt guilty for not picking up), but I was still in shock and I knew hearing his voice was going to be torture. I knew nothing he would say could help me at all. I don't think he regrets anything he did to me because if he did then he should've let me known (although he did say sorry and apologized several times the last time he called).

 

After that, I never heard from him again and he never heard from me too. Three weeks ago, I knew his vacation was over and he was back to work (where we always talked on the phone as he worked).

 

We had a shared Facebook account. We made it because he didn't have an account and he wanted to see my pictures and my family's. The only friends we had there was me (my own account), and my family's. We're the only ones appearing in that newsfeed. Anyway, ever since he returned from vacation, he'd been logging at least once to twice a day (my device receives notifications every time he does and it displays that the log-in was from his location and his device so I'm sure it was him). For three weeks, he'd been logging in everyday.

 

Three days ago, however, I decided to cut that off so I changed the password and deactivated it, so that he could no longer use it. My heart hurts so much knowing it was the last connection we had but I knew I had to cut it off because one day, when I no longer receive any notification or he no longer logs in, it will hurt me again. I also knew it was the only way I could start healing.

 

I'm on 6th week NC and I don't hope on getting him back. Three years wasted was enough. I have trouble dealing with the pain though. I guess I trusted him too much and he always assured me in the past that he wouldn't do exactly what he ended up doing now.

 

I just want to know if the pain gets better. At one point I'd like to believe he still cared since he logged into our shared FB everyday (no searches, so he only sees mine and my family's updates), but I'm also trying to convince myself that he's still this heartless guy who just doesn't care anymore because I don't want to give myself false hopes.

 

I just want to know if I did the right thing. Maybe removing him from the account would come off as rude and mean to him, and I feel guilty for that, but I just remind myself that this was the guy who also rudely blocked my number when I did nothing to bother him.

 

I just want to know how to go and where to go from this. Hurts so freaking much, and it was my first relationship (he always forced me to turn down other guys because he was always jealous and now I hate how he did that when he knew he couldn't leave his ex for me).

 

So many questions in my head... why didn't he just leave me when I gave him opportunities earlier if he knew he couldn't leave her? Why wasn't he honest at all? Why did he have to drag it this long? Was I really just used? Did he just use me as his toy, as entertainment, etc.?

 

I'm currently doing well at work and been going out a lot with friends and family and been enjoying my car so I guess I'm doing fine but when I'm alone it just hits hard and sometimes breathing is hard again and I couldn't stop crying. How long til the pain stops? Sorry for the veeeery long post and thank you for reading.

 

Hi there i can so relate to this

 

Even though my circumstances were different my ex she would say things like i will never leave u itll be u leaving me ur my soulmate ive never met anyone like u and after 6 yrs she did she left lol and started seeing someone preetty quickly u can never know someones intentions u shld of left him and made it clear it was a deal breaker him interacting wth his ex. sometimes the signs are already there the red flags but we refuse to see them or believe or aknowledge them we wana try and give em the benifit of the doubt but as ive learnt a few times now the signs were always present. all we can do is get better at detecting them earlier and having the strength to act on em and let go

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HarmonyDriven

AceClarity - Excellent job at staying No Contact! Keep it this way. With what you have told us, he is not worth it. It was not a healthy, loving relationship. Don't contact him, he does not want to contact you.

 

Getting over a break up takes time......each break up is different. Just know, his loss. You will heal and find someone right for you. This guy sounds like a load of doo-doo.

 

Don't think of 3 years wasted, think of it as a learning experience. Now you know what YOU DON'T WANT in a relationship. You are better off without him.

 

Keep up the good work! No contact!

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Hi there i can so relate to this

 

Even though my circumstances were different my ex she would say things like i will never leave u itll be u leaving me ur my soulmate ive never met anyone like u and after 6 yrs she did she left lol and started seeing someone preetty quickly u can never know someones intentions u shld of left him and made it clear it was a deal breaker him interacting wth his ex. sometimes the signs are already there the red flags but we refuse to see them or believe or aknowledge them we wana try and give em the benifit of the doubt but as ive learnt a few times now the signs were always present. all we can do is get better at detecting them earlier and having the strength to act on em and let go

 

Wow, 6 years. That's way longer than ours was. True, I tried leaving him or asking for a break because of that dealbreaker. Told him we should speak only after he'd fully detached from her. But he's been pretty lonely and was also going through hard times while he begged me to stay. He was also the only one there for me throughout all the difficult times I had, so I wanted to be there for him too.

 

He always assured me that he chose me. Can't really trust anyone now, can we? It really sucks. We're the same with how we gave them the benefit of the doubt and ended up the ones really hurt. It's so unfair. But this certainly teaches us a lesson, doesn't it? A valuable one. One that will stick with me for a loooong time.

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AceClarity - Excellent job at staying No Contact! Keep it this way. With what you have told us, he is not worth it. It was not a healthy, loving relationship. Don't contact him, he does not want to contact you.

 

Getting over a break up takes time......each break up is different. Just know, his loss. You will heal and find someone right for you. This guy sounds like a load of doo-doo.

 

Don't think of 3 years wasted, think of it as a learning experience. Now you know what YOU DON'T WANT in a relationship. You are better off without him.

 

Keep up the good work! No contact!

 

Thank you! Although I did break contact last week just to ask him what he wanted me to do with his stuff (my mom wanted me to throw them already because they were taking too much space, but I felt so bad about throwing them away). Asked him if he preferred that I mail it to his home address or to his ex anonymously. We were both pretty straightforward. He sent a "Sorry" but I did not respond anymore.

 

Definitely learned something from those three years :laugh: Now I know what redflags too look for.

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