Pain is overwhelming

[basil67]

But I still feel very unfullfilled. I don't want to wait till my 40s to have a serious relationship, and miss out on having a family. I already feel less than friends etc because I can't keep a boyfriend.

 

Unfortunately, this ^ is probably a lot of the reason you are single. People want a partner who's lives are already together. They want a partner who's confident in their own right. Someone for whom a partner adds to their life, rather than making their life.

 

All of your self esteem is pegged on whether or not you have a boyfriend. This will significantly reduce your attractiveness to the opposite sex.

[Cora]

I just wanted to say I understand your pain and where you are coming from. I’m 35 and like you, I’ve had no luck with long term fulfilling relationships. My longest was six months too. I’ve watched all my friends from high school and people around me so effortlessly get into long term relationships, become married, have children etc. I’ve often questioned “why not me?” “When is it finally going to be my turn?” “What’s wrong with me?” “Am I just not lovable?” Etc.. With each new year I wonder if this will be the year I’ll meet “the one” for me? Each year I’m disappointed yet again. It’s hard watching friends and family taking trips with significant others, being spoiled by their significant other on birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas etc. Having someone to come home to, laugh with, cry with, tell their good news to. Watching them get engaged, married....seeing the joy on their faces when they become pregnant or hold their new baby for the first time. Seeing those family Christmas photos with the perfect devoted husband and two beautiful kids. It hurts because I wonder if I will ever get to experience those joys? Or if those things just aren’t in the cards for me?

 

Like you, I’ve been left by guys I loved dearly who pursued me and whom I thought loved me. They left me like I meant nothing. I’ve been ghosted many times, lied to, cheated on etc. I’ve suffered from deep depression where some days I just didn’t get out of bed. I no longer wanted to live. So I understand those feelings. It’s a deep hole that’s hard to climb out of. But don’t you think you deserve better than this guy? Someone who actually loves you back and shares the same feelings for you? Why give him so much power? He may be a wonderful person, but he has flaws too just like everyone else. If he were such the perfect man for you wouldn’t you two be together? Don’t be so hard on yourself. People will come and go in your life. Few will stay, but most will leave. The ones who truly matter though will stay. Don’t let the rejection from this one guy or any person in general determine your worth as a human being. You are worthy!! Believe in that and others will too! Confidence in yourself is attractive. It’s something that I still struggle with on a daily basis.

 

Also, why base all your happiness on a guy? Aren’t there other things in your life that make you happy? Is it really so bad being single when you have hobbies to enjoy? Family and friends to spend time with? Events to look forward to? I don’t know about you, but I’ve recently realized that instead of worrying and being sad over being rejected by guy after guy.....I could use that time to spend with my precious family whom I’m grateful for. It’s not until they are gone that you will wish you had more time with them. Life is so short! Don’t have regrets. Live life while you still can instead of wasting it by pining over someone because once your life is over there is no going back. No do-overs. Find something that makes you happy or brings you joy. It could be anything. Become emersed in it. Keep busy. Know that you’re not alone in your feelings. It’s ok to be sad and cry.....just don’t stay there forever. Because there is more living to be done!

 

This may not be for you and that’s ok, but I recently found an online therapy site called 7 cups of tea. It has really helped me. There are people there to talk to who want to help. There are people there who can relate. It’s free to use most of the sites features. They also have licensed therapists to talk to for a small fee. Like I said, it may not be for you. Just thought I’d mention it just in case.

 

Whatever you do, just don’t give up. Reach out to people for help if you need to. Even if you have before, reach out again. I wish you peace and happiness.

[heartbrokenlady]

miss out on having a family.

 

You COULD decide that if the right guy hasn't come along by 35, that you'll have a baby on your own. Cynical me says that the majority of relationships breakdown anyway, starting out single doesn't make that much difference anyway.

 

 

Even just checking my phone makes me feel rejected. Its like i'm waiting/hoping for a message that will never come.

 

Ive been here. Eventually you'll stop looking for those messages. I'm doing it too, at the moment, despite telling him not to contact me. But eventually you'll stop looking.

 

 

 

This is a horrible time. It's 30 years since I've hurt this way. It's no easier now, than it was as a teenager.

 

Sending you love. I know how you feel. I'm feeling it too.

[BaileyB]

I am reading each and every one of your posts. It is helping. But I still feel very unfullfilled. I don't want to wait till my 40s to have a serious relationship, and miss out on having a family. I already feel less than friends etc because I can't keep a boyfriend. Can you tell me honestly, why do you think your friends who were so single, single for so long? Were they not attractive enough?

 

Even just checking my phone makes me feel rejected. Its like i'm waiting/hoping for a message that will never come.

 

I will tell you, as someone who was single for a long time and is now in a relationship... I wondered what people thought of me and if they would feel differently when I found "the one." I was surprised at home very little they cared... Most were interested, some still haven't actually bothered to meet him... But, for the most part, nobody has said or done anything differently to me.

 

I wondered too how I would feel having someone in my life. Sure, there was some initial excitement to tell people about him and to do all the "firsts" together... But that quickly wore off and now I have someone who complains that he has to attend too many family gatherings with me! . It was also really nice to have someone to go to a movie with and snuggle with at night... But you know, I can't talk to him like I do my girlfriends, I don't get to do my own thing anymore (I missed out on something with friends today because he wanted to spend the day together), and sometimes he does stuff that really makes me crazy...

 

Like everything in life, it is a trade off. There is good and bad to being in a relationship. There is good and bad to being single. The important thing is to bloom where you are planted... Be grateful for what you have because your life could change tomorrow, for the better or for the worse.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Can you tell me honestly, why do you think your friends who were so single, single for so long? Were they not attractive enough?

 

 

Sure, I'll answer this about my friends who either got married later in life or haven't yet gotten married.

 

S - got married late 30s to a man she dated on and off for over 10 years. She's definitely attractive, great petite body, super normal although has anxiety, but who doesn't? She's my age, 45, and has 3 kids under age 5. One miscarriage that I know of.

 

T - Married around age 42? Beautiful woman, highly intelligent and career driven (executive at a Fortune 100) but always wanted marriage and definitely went through times of depression over it. (She was always willing to give up her career in a second if she could have a family) Suffered from some insecurities with her body that resulted from a car accident and she is also just pretty quirky, not a sensual person at all I'd day. Opened up rarely and only to a few, which limited her relationship success (a bit of a tough and unusual childhood). Endearing, but she definitely had to find her match, and he's also quite quirky! And quite a bit younger than her. She's been tested and probably will not have children due to diminished fertility. She's the best aunt in the world, though. She and her husband embrace traveling and being pet parents. She embraces her hobbies.

 

D - Got married this year at age 46. While not conventionally "beautiful" she is very cute and I'm very envious of her body lol. She's also the most beautiful person "inside" I've ever met. She's 100% secure in herself, giving, compassionate, kind, great listener. I could go on and on. But, she's INTENSE. Analyzes everything to death, has no tolerance for inauthentic/surface relationships, had to find her match in that and also her spiritual equal. She's a very strong Christian. Her new husband is her perfect match. I doubt they will try to have children because of her age and bad back, but I see them adopting someday since her family is really big into adoption and she'd make an amazing mother.

 

H - Will be 46 soon and I doubt she will ever get married. Not because of what she looks like, although she's always been insecure that she's not conventionally beautiful (and also has car accident related disfigurement), but because of her overbearing, negative, outspoken and extremely feminist view of the world. I'm really not sure what kind of man she could end up with that would find her qualities endearing. She's had relationships but it seems like a lot of them are "on and off." She's just not a very "giving" person, except probably in bed.

 

C - Very pretty, happy, fit, secure, successful, smart, kind, age 46. I'm not really sure why she never met her match since I've only known her for about 4 years, but she went ahead and had two kids anyway with a sperm donor. They are 4 and about 8 months now. She's very, very happy!

 

M - Same as above, but just one kid .

 

S - Same as above, but personality is more like H, so....I don't know.....I don't know her well enough, by choice. We don't click.

 

C & M would make great partners. I have no clue why they are still single, but they are still embracing and loving life regardless of that.

 

I could also list just as many (women and men) who got married younger (in our twenties) and have had really sucky times of marital betrayal, abuse, divorce, and single parenthood.

 

Nobody gets out of this life without hard times. Resorting to "comparing" those hard times to anyone else (i.e. "well at least you got married and had kids before your life went to poop!") does no good.

 

Pain is pain and it is inevitable. It's how we deal with it that matters.

[BaileyB]

You will be surprised about how little people care when you find someone to date or marry.... They will be happy for you. But, they probably don't spend much time thinking about it because they are busy living their own lives. They probably don't care as much as you think they do.

 

Just live your life. Do the things that bring you joy. Try to meet new people and stay open to possibilities. If it's meant to be, it will be...

Edited December 27, 2017 by BaileyB

[Bluebelle38]

I'm sorry to read you feel so low. It is clear that you validate yourself through the love of a man, not love if yourself.

 

I'm 45 and have had numerous disastrous relationships. Finally met a good man aged 40.

 

No man will make you happy. You have to do that yourself. You are depressed because you see yourself as always being single. Instead of accepting this prediction as fact, do something about it. Decide to not be single and look for a partner, but when you are well.

 

My exes don't contact me on my birthday and I don't want them to.

 

Your ex has gone, as have mine. It doesn't make me less of a person because we broke up or they dumped me.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

"You’ll worry less about what people think about you when you realize how seldom they do." (not attributing this to anyone in particular since it's not definitive who first said it )

[Beachead]

I've never had a loving relationship. I'm in my late twenties. All i've ever wanted from life was marriage and a family. I'm not even bothered about career. That was my goal in life and every year it just feels further and further away. Of course i'm sad all the time!! I found the guy I loved, and it feels he has taken my dream away. Because i'm not 'this' or 'that' and it feels horribly unfair.

 

I CAN be positive, but i'm very tired. Tired of being the one who never has it, tired of feeling a failure that i'm not reaching my goal. I tried with my ex, you can all see how much I wanted it to work out. When you're constantly not reaching this goal that everyone around you is, you do get demoralised and you do question whats wrong with you and then your self esteam keeps deminishing.

 

You're speaking of what I feel in my heart as well. I get this.

 

You've been single not by choice and you've had to sit there for 5 years picking yourself back up, patting yourself on the back, complimenting yourself while all your friends/family went on to meet the love of their life and you have been waiting and waiting for your turn and it hasn't been coming. You're human too. It wore you out as it did me.

 

But in that process, you became consumed with the goal of finding love and getting married and made it your all or nothing. You mentioned how he ruined "Your dream." What about his dreams? What about what he wants? Is his existence to fulfill only yours? The thing is, people have free will so we can't hope to work hard at "achieving a person" as if they are a degree or a job or a prize to be won and expect a straight line path to the result we want. It's just not a Point A to B type thing with love/relationships. It's variable. People can change just like that. You've invested something as precious as your heart into something so risky and so volatile and that's where you went wrong. Because the second things go south, you don't have anything else to hold you up. No other interest or activities or goals in your life to cushion the blow. That person is your entire life so your well-being is completely tied to their casual day to day moods which may have nothing to do with you. So when he left, you fell apart and couldn't recover because of this. Can't live like that OP. If suffering for a year and seeing your mental health deteriorate because of this man isn't proof enough of that, I don't know what is.

 

You need to truly let go of this need to be with someone if you want to see different results or you will destroy yourself.

 

It took me 12 years to get an emotional point where I just couldn't take anymore because of so much failure. I felt exactly as you felt and I wanted change. The advice the people in this thread gave you was the one thing that restored me during my hardships. This is why I back it up. I hope you try it for yourself with open arms.

 

Goodluck

Edited December 27, 2017 by Beachead

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

Thanks for all your posts. Its nice to read positive ones rather than 'He doesn't love you, get over it, move on' etc that i've had before.

 

Sadly, I am judged by my relationship status. I tend to find that when I haven't spoken to someone in a while and they ask how I am, they always have to ask something like 'Hows the love life?' and I hate it because its not my choice its non existant, its been my (ex) boyfriends decision.

 

I feel hurt daily that I told my ex not to contact me again and he agreed to it. Even not thinking of my Birthday or Christmas. Its like i've disappeared off the face of the earth when just over a year ago we were a couple.

[Beachead]

Thanks for all your posts. Its nice to read positive ones rather than 'He doesn't love you, get over it, move on' etc that i've had before.

 

Sadly, I am judged by my relationship status. I tend to find that when I haven't spoken to someone in a while and they ask how I am, they always have to ask something like 'Hows the love life?' and I hate it because its not my choice its non existant, its been my (ex) boyfriends decision.

 

I feel hurt daily that I told my ex not to contact me again and he agreed to it. Even not thinking of my Birthday or Christmas. Its like i've disappeared off the face of the earth when just over a year ago we were a couple.

 

I know exactly what you mean. I get that too from people who haven't seen me in some time. I'm 31 now. All my cousins my age and older are married now. All people I knew from grade school are all in relationships/engaged/married. My current friends are in relationships. A couple of people got married in the past year and are getting married in 2018. Meanwhile..I get left by someone who convinced me she loved me for the 3rd time in my life. I'm happy for everyone but I'm also hurting because of it. No lies.

 

My solution was to just walk away from everything and everyone and keep to myself, focus on my goals/aspirations and only that. It's the only thing that brings me joy during such a dark time in my life. At this point, I give up on being with anyone. I'm not capable of loving anyone because I got too much anger an hurt in my heart. I have enough energy to love the only people who make me feel loved like my immediate family. The rest goes to me and only me. It's not a flawless solution..but a solution nonetheless.

Edited December 27, 2017 by Beachead

[d0nnivain]

The people who ask about your love life are not asking to hurt you or rub it in. They think it's a safe subject which will allow you to talk about something happy & positive in your life. I hated it too. I did learn to turn it around & ask that person if they knew anybody. I got a few dates out of it once I realized that the people asking liked me & wanted to see me happy.

[Beachead]

The people who ask about your love life are not asking to hurt you or rub it in. They think it's a safe subject which will allow you to talk about something happy & positive in your life. I hated it too. I did learn to turn it around & ask that person if they knew anybody. I got a few dates out of it once I realized that the people asking liked me & wanted to see me happy.

 

I can definitely vouch for that. It's not malicious or an intent to hurt you.

 

And that's actually a nice idea Donnivain. Making the most out of the situation. I should have done that the few times I was asked the question.

[BaileyB]

I used to use humor and reply "No, im not dating anyone. Im still taking applications." Might be a way to diffuse the situation and a lead in to say... Do you know any nice guys I could meet?

[Blanco]

The dating life question can make you feel wildly uncomfortable and insecure, but trust me that almost no one is ever asking this with the intention of hurting you. It's simply one of those universal ice-breakers people use with others who they may know but don't see often.

 

You viewing this question as anything with malicious intent in your low self-esteem steering the ship again.

[Blanco]

So, re-reading this thread, I've got some more observations:

 

- It kind of feels like your five years of singleness made you primed to fall head over heels with the first guy you got on well with who reciprocated interest. I've known people who seem like they dug their hooks into the first remotely viable candidate they got, foregoing serious consideration if this person would be a suitable life partner for them.

 

- You mention being 27 and being upstairs in bed while your family was over for Christmas. Am I to take this to mean that you still are living at home? If so, why? I'm asking because...

 

- You mention wanting a family most out of life, with things such as career being further down on your list of priorities. That's fine, though as others have pointed out, you have staked your life's biggest goal to something that really isn't any more than half in your control.

 

Do you work? Is it a career? What sort of social activities do you engage in? If most of your days are void of any real purpose, then it makes sense that you're still so devastated about this guy. You've staked your hopes and dreams to the concept of starting a family and this guy would've been an integral part of that. With him gone, and nothing else to occupy your time, of course you're still feeling bedridden a year later.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

I work full time and have moved up in my career lately and i'm happy where I am, I work in a good place but i'd trade it for a great loving relationship and family. I still live at home because I don't fancy living on my own and its also expensive single. I don't want a housemate unless they were my partner.

 

When you want something or someone so much, and you're constantly living without it you get very tired and fed up.

[BaileyB]

I work full time and have moved up in my career lately and i'm happy where I am, I work in a good place but i'd trade it for a great loving relationship and family. I still live at home because I don't fancy living on my own and its also expensive single. I don't want a housemate unless they were my partner.

 

When you want something or someone so much, and you're constantly living without it you get very tired and fed up.

 

Just sending you, and OP, a hug. It's hard, when you ware waiting and hoping that someone will come along...

 

One of my friend once lamented that there are two things that unfortunately, as much as we may wish it so, we can't "make" happen in your lives. One is meeting someone to love. And the other is having a baby. For those who want either of these things and they are just not happening... the sadness can sometimes be overwhelming and it's hard to keep the faith.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Just sending you, and OP, a hug. It's hard, when you ware waiting and hoping that someone will come along...

 

One of my friend once lamented that there are two things that unfortunately, as much as we may wish it so, we can't "make" happen in your lives. One is meeting someone to love. And the other is having a baby. For those who want either of these things and they are just not happening... the sadness can sometimes be overwhelming and it's hard to keep the faith.

 

Absolutely. I know exactly how this feels and it really does feel like total despair at times . But, we also get only one shot at this life and it's pretty guaranteed a LOT of crappy stuff is gonna happen to us, so we either decide to face it like a champ, or we don't.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I work full time and have moved up in my career lately and i'm happy where I am, I work in a good place but i'd trade it for a great loving relationship and family. I still live at home because I don't fancy living on my own and its also expensive single. I don't want a housemate unless they were my partner.

 

When you want something or someone so much, and you're constantly living without it you get very tired and fed up.

 

I suggest you move out and become independent. It will make you a lot more attractive to a partner.

[d0nnivain]

Especially if you live in a HCOL area, you can stay put but you need to get more active. Make a point to make the effort to go out at least once per week to meet someone new. You also need to be more active doing things that make you happy. You will not be able to attract a healthy happy partner if you continue to mope around in your broken state.

[Blanco]

Glad to hear you're doing well and enjoying your current job. That matters, even if it seems like poor consolation for what you feel you truly desire.

 

I would suggest, unless it's just not economically possible, to consider getting your own place. I lived at home during my first two years of college, and then again for a couple of years post-graduation, so I certainly get how staying put can feel more comfortable.

 

However, living on your own pushes you to do so many little beneficial things you don't even really think about until you're tasked with doing them. I'm far from the most level-headed, responsible guy I know, but I can safely say that I'd be even further behind the curve if I had kept living at home all these years.

 

I'm not saying that I would not date a woman your age who still lived at home, but unless there was a cultural and economical reason behind it, I would view it as a potential red flag; maybe even a deal-breaker. I say that, in part, because of what I mentioned above. But moreover, I feel like most of the fully-grown adult women I've crossed paths with who are still living at home for no obvious reason seem emotionally and socially stunted compared to the average person their age who's living independently. Food for thought.

[lana-banana]

I live in a big city with an extremely high cost of living. Before I got married, I also lived alone. If you want to do this, you have to do what I did and acknowledge you won't always have money to go out or buy new clothes. If you don't want to do this, get a roommate with a different work schedule so there's minimal friction. But Blanco is right---many men are going to be put off by a woman in her late 20s living at home when she can technically afford to live elsewhere. It smacks of arrested development.

 

Start by recognizing your ability to change. Whether it's weight loss, a new job or meeting a guy, the first thing you have to do is believe you can do it. No matter how much you hurt now, remind yourself that it's not forever and you can create change. When you do, think about how you want to make that happen. You can turn your situation around but not without putting in effort.

[Cora]

After college I moved back in with my parents. It was due to financial reasons, but mostly because I was afraid I couldn’t make it on my own. I did not finally move out until I was 25. What helped me though was that my younger brother and I got an apartment together. It alleviated a lot of my fears about trying to make it on my own because I had someone I knew there with me and it also helped me out financially. Almost four years ago I bought my first home and I couldn’t be happier.

 

My point is, it made me realize that I could make it on my own and it has also greatly improved my mood. I am more confident and not so depressed and down in the dumps all the time like I used to be when living at home. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family dearly, but there is nothing quite like independence. To me it’s the most wonderful thing. If nothing else it might improve your mood. Do you have a sibling or a friend you could room with? Or maybe place an add that you’re looking for a roommate? Might make the process a little easier at least until you are able to be completely independent? If that’s what you want of course. Though if you are happy living at home, there is nothing wrong with that. You have to do what makes you happy.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

Woke up today thinking about him as usual. Wishing he was with me, wondering why he can't love me. It just cycles all the time, its made me so unhappy. I can't stop thinking about him even if I try. My friend told me he was in my area a few weeks ago, at a bar he knew I used to go with a friend. I could have been there that night and bumped into him, luckily I didn't... i'd of probably had a panic attack! I just wish I could be at peace with all of this, i'm so ground down after a year.