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[SandyToes]

Hi, I have been dating a guy for almost 6 months. He is 41 an I am 39. We are both divorced with kids. He is from another state and moved here to be close to his sister after his divorce. I have never met his ex-wife or his kids but he has met everyone in my life. He has spent more nights at my place then not. Neither one of us are avid facebook posters but we both check in on facebook regularly. A couple weeks ago I wanted to post an innocent beach selfie of us and he got really upset that he didn't want his ex to see. He tells me conversations they have had about me and at first she was jealous and so I had to remove it because he didn't want to throw in her face that he was happy with someone new. He stays at her house when he goes back to visit the his kids. They have a huge family and so he spends thanksgiving and Christmas together. I have asked more then once if he really is divorced. Which he always assures me that he is and that everyone knows. I am supportive of a good relationship with your ex especially when you have kids together. he wasn't ready for his kids to know he has moved on and I get that so I let it go. Now here we are half a year into something solid (we started saying I love you to each other) and I want to tag him in things like memes and jokes and funny news, innocent stuff. Not to flaunt our new relationship at all but he still wont add me. He thinks its "just facebook" but if its just facebook then whats the big deal? At first I thought he wanted to hide me, but now I think he wants to hide things from me. If I ask him again its going to be a fight. I don't want to seem untrusting or controlling. Plus I don't want to be "that girl" who forces people to do things they don't want to do. When you love someone isn't it normal to want to share that with everyone? What is the big secret?

[Nadine123]

I dated a similar guy, posted about him as well a year ago about the same issue. He turned out to be cheating on me. He also didnt find social media ''a big deal''.

 

I feel like you know the answer deep down. There should be no reason why he doesn't want his ex to know about you, unless 1) something is still going on between them 2) he still likes her and wants to fix things or 3) he's seeing someone else.

 

The past childish me would post it anyways to see what' really going on. The new me would just dump him and not waste my time.

 

Keep us updated

[littleblackheart]

I went through this with my exH. Turns out he was using FB to meet girls / cheating while pretending to be single during my 2nd pregnancy (probably before too, but I have no proof of that).

 

Using FB and even being unfaithful is not the worst thing he did during our marriage by any means, but that was one more thing in a long list of very bad things.

 

If neither of you are bothered about FB and he doesn't really use it himself, then that's no big deal. If you've asked him repeatedly and he's refused for no good reason (if it's 'only FB' why don't he just add you as a symbolic gesture to ease your mind?), I'd be mindful if I were you.

[jjgitties]

Dear OP. I think you already know what my post is going to be as you already know deep down .. you must, you are almost 40 and not a little kid.

 

It sounds like something fishy is going on with that dude you found. Something doesn't quite sound right. The things about him not wanting to flaut stuff in his ex's face or hurt her and the thing about him spending major festive holidays with his ex's family for the sake of the kids??

 

Do you two have any plans for X-mas and New Years? You must, you have been dating for a year no?

[CloudyHead]

Something is up. I have kids with my ex husband and he comes to my house on Christmas Day and the kids' birthdays and I will invite his family over. But there is no spending nights. And, my BF has been to these events and his former GF attended as well. I think he is still married.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I totally respect people who have social media accounts and who still want to keep their personal life private. I'm one of those people.

 

That being said, 6 months into a committed relationship and this guy not only refuses to add you to FB but then slaps you silly when you tag him in a picture that legitimizes your relationship IS a tad fishy.

 

It's also fishy that he continues to friend her on FB but refuses to add you. I unfriended my ex-hubby very early in our separation to save ourselves from this very thing. And we're the best of friends!

 

I get that as parents, we want to protect our children particularly in a divorce. I also think it's important that ex's get along if only for the sake of their children. Your boyfriend's relationship with his ex wife sounds similar to my own experience EXCEPT in MY case, my ex hubby and I felt it was important to draw some healthy boundaries in order for each of us and our children to move on.

 

If this guy is being honest about being divorced (I'd still look into this), it doesn't look like he's doing the same and instead keeping things status quo. Good for his wife but not good for you. If anything, he's working overtime to protect her rather than live out his life separate from her. That raises some red flags.

I'm curious, who ended the marriage and why? How long has he been divorced? Are you his first relationship since his break-up?

 

If I had to guess, he's not over his ex-wife and on some level is still hoping for reconciliation. It would explain a lot including why he's been shutting you down on social media. Add in the fact that he's met all your family and you haven't even been introduced to his kids is another red flag in my opinion.

 

Six months into a serious relationship and you should be well on your way to showing each other off to everyone without hesitation.

 

Something is amiss here.

Edited December 22, 2017 by Michelle ma Belle

[mikeylo]

Fishy.

 

Probably still married and hoping for reconcilliation for any reason.

 

Have you met anyone from his friends or family circles? If not, then everything is clear as day!

[kendahke]

When you love someone isn't it normal to want to share that with everyone? What is the big secret?

 

Yeah, but that person first has to love you and he doesn't appear to love you enough to proceed honestly withyou.

 

I don't think he's divorced. It's really easy to go to the county courthouse where the divorce was executed and get a copy of the record--it is public, after all. You really don't need his word-you can find out for yourself about that.

 

The fact that he's more concerned about his wife's feelings than yours say a lot about his feelings about you and your relationship. And also the fact that he's ready to fight when you ask for what is quite reasonable from someone who is divorced and resolved says that emotionally, he's not done with his wife.

 

I'd put the picture up anyway and let her go on and fall out. Block her name so she can't see any of your postings, even if she's creeping on his wall. This isn't your lie to maintain--this is his lie and it's high time it got dragged into the sunlight for some disinfecting.

[ZoeGirl]

Something is definitely off. Well said.

[SpinScratch]

He doesn't want another woman to know the nature of his relationship with you. Thats kind of a big deal if you guys have been seeing each other for a while. Set the tone for this relationship and put your foot down on this right now.

[act00]

Something is definitely off on this one. At six months into the relationship, I can understand he may still do holiday stuff with his family and you yours, but by next year, you need to be working on a plan to spend time with all families, even if you have to one weekend here, one weekend there. Why aren't his kids coming down to stay with him during school breaks and various holidays?

 

He stays at his ex-wife's place when he's there...um, no. That would not go over well with me. He's hiding his relationship from everyone. He's downplaying his relationship to the ex who he stays with when he sees his kids. His kids don't stay with him. He refuses to add you to FB and gets uptight when you tag and like and post things.

 

He's hiding something.

[JuneL]

Have you met any of his relatives, friends or colleagues? Why don't yiu just do a background search on him? I thought you can find the divorce records with effort, no?

[staggerlee71]

I wouldn't post in a relationship until I was married. I really don't think it matters what others think when it comes to my personal life.

 

I actually find it nauseating when my friends, in new relationships, post their every loving move.

 

The bottom line is...we all know relationships are difficult, but don't know exactly why.

 

Ask yourself this, why do you want him to post?

 

this is you and him. always will be between you and him, good and bad.

 

enjoy your time, forget social media and concentrate on what your willing to give and willing to accept

[Popsicle]

If he’s paying child support, he’s probably afraid of his wife’s wrath.

[sdraw108]

I wouldn't post in a relationship until I was married. I really don't think it matters what others think when it comes to my personal life.

 

I actually find it nauseating when my friends, in new relationships, post their every loving move.

 

The bottom line is...we all know relationships are difficult, but don't know exactly why.

 

Ask yourself this, why do you want him to post?

 

this is you and him. always will be between you and him, good and bad.

 

enjoy your time, forget social media and concentrate on what your willing to give and willing to accept

 

I think you're missing the important point. It's not about whether or not the OP can post on Facebook. It's about his reasons for not allowing it. I almost never posted on my last girlfriend's Facebook, but I could if I wanted to. I would have been very alarmed if she'd said I couldn't.

[1fish2fish]

He's putting her feelings above yours. That right there would be the deal breaker for me.

 

OR...he's scared of her reaction, in which case, he's a coward and putting HIS feelings above yours. Still a deal breaker.

Edited December 23, 2017 by 1fish2fish

[grays]

Why is he choosing to live close to his sister at the expense of living close to his kids? Are they already adults? If not, I can't imagine a parent making that choice unless sister is terminally ill and relying on him kr something.

[mortensorchid]

Oh, Facebook and social media. What would life be like if it didn't happen? Things get so weird so fast. But I digress on the general issues ...

 

It could be another reason other than his ex wife not wanting to see photos of you and him together. It could be that he is Facebook friends with coworkers or has other friends who he doesn't want to be in his business with his personal life. People can and do take things about you and use them against you in the social media world (happened to me first hand with a former coworker which she tattled on to me to the supervisor - I blocked her over it, then now if and when a coworker asks me if I am on Facebook I tell them I don't do social media). Either the coworker or one of his other friends will tell on someone in question. Who is that someone? The ex wife of course.

 

Does that mean he's still with her? Not necessarily but he doesn't want someone knowing about you and him. Respect the wish, but stay aware.

[Sunlight72]

I pretty much agree with the consensus here.

 

I'd just like to ad that I don't know your boyfriend's particular reasoning or situation. He may not be hoping to reconcile with his ex-wife, however, from what you've written, he still frames his world around his ex-wife and kids and that community.

 

His heart is not available for a different relationship (you). I think you are an escape from his other life. But his other life is actually what he considers real.

[she'stheone]

OK, this is a tough one. As with most of the posts here, none of us know the whole story (not that you’re hiding it, therapists doing couples work, many times don’t know the whole story and they get to hear from both sides.)

 

Right now, I’m dating the love of my life. My love goddess who I worship. (I’m proud to say that by the way).

 

We’ve been dating over a year now (I’m divorced after 16 years) and we’re living together almost 6 months. She has never, not once, not ever, tagged me or posted anything about us on Facebook.

 

Is she hiding our relationship? Yes, from some people, not others.

 

Does it bother me? Yes, a little, but, this is just one tiny part of our relationship. I also understand her reasoning, regardless of whether or not I agree with it.

 

Sometimes in a relationship, you need to respect your partners wishes, regardless of whether you agree with them. Again, remember, there is SO much more to a relationship than being “friends” on Facebook or Social media.

 

As a divorced dad, I recognize how I have walked on eggshells in the past to “keep the peace” in my relationship with my ex-wife as we share a child. My thinking was “what if she does something to effect my relationship with him?”

 

I’m not saying she would, but let’s face it, crazier things have happened.

 

Now, I have since worked through my issues in that regard, but it took me a while. Were there times that I put, what seemed to be like my ex-wife’s needs above my love goddesses? Maybe, I’m not sure, I’d have to ask her.

 

All I’m saying here is, regardless of your situation with YOUR ex, his family and your kids, it’s always tough if you’re afraid for your kids. (That could include not letting him see them when he’s in town, which she seems to have the power to do at present)

 

I’m not saying it would happen or that she even threatened it, but I know, if I had a fear that my ex could affect my ability to see my kids (valid or not), I might be a little (or even a lot) more protective about what my ex knew or didn’t know.

 

I hope that helps.

[staggerlee71]

I think you're missing the important point. It's not about whether or not the OP can post on Facebook. It's about his reasons for not allowing it. I almost never posted on my last girlfriend's Facebook, but I could if I wanted to. I would have been very alarmed if she'd said I couldn't.

 

your right. I'm literally coming from the one up and didn't focus in on the actual point.

 

I would be alarmed too

[fred123]

Oh, Facebook and social media. What would life be like if it didn't happen? Things get so weird so fast. But I digress on the general issues ...

 

It could be another reason other than his ex wife not wanting to see photos of you and him together. It could be that he is Facebook friends with coworkers or has other friends who he doesn't want to be in his business with his personal life. People can and do take things about you and use them against you in the social media world (happened to me first hand with a former coworker which she tattled on to me to the supervisor - I blocked her over it, then now if and when a coworker asks me if I am on Facebook I tell them I don't do social media). Either the coworker or one of his other friends will tell on someone in question. Who is that someone? The ex wife of course.

 

Does that mean he's still with her? Not necessarily but he doesn't want someone knowing about you and him. Respect the wish, but stay aware.

 

lol u should read my thread. my ex said the same thing. funny thing when whe met another guy after me she did the opposite. im sorry but i dont believe anything a woman says.

the next time a girl says why she wont out me on facebook il sleep with another girl that day. simple