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So people, what 'should' someone do in a broken marriage

nospam99

By nospam99
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nospam99 Established Member

nospam99

Posted
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There is a recent thread here where a male poster is in a broken marriage. He posted about developing an emotional attachment (no action taken) with a younger woman. Some of the female regulars have torn into him a bit hard, chanting the mantra 'fix your marriage'. I don't know the circumstances of this other situation but, having been in a broken marriage for more than 20 years, I've got to ask 'how?'. In my case I just 'toughed it out' for the sake of the kids and because I loved my ex enough that, for most of those years, I held out hope for a reconciliation. But that's me. What is a guy (or a gal) who is in a practical trap because of legal factors (alimony, child support, shared assets that would be forced to be liquidated) 'supposed' to do? If the only other answer is to 'bite the bullet', I understand. But I'm curious if some of you others have answers besides mine which was, as stated above, to ride it out.

Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
Posted
There is a recent thread here where a male poster is in a broken marriage. He posted about developing an emotional attachment (no action taken) with a younger woman. Some of the female regulars have torn into him a bit hard, chanting the mantra 'fix your marriage'. I don't know the circumstances of this other situation but, having been in a broken marriage for more than 20 years, I've got to ask 'how?'. In my case I just 'toughed it out' for the sake of the kids and because I loved my ex enough that, for most of those years, I held out hope for a reconciliation. But that's me. What is a guy (or a gal) who is in a practical trap because of legal factors (alimony, child support, shared assets that would be forced to be liquidated) 'supposed' to do? If the only other answer is to 'bite the bullet', I understand. But I'm curious if some of you others have answers besides mine which was, as stated above, to ride it out.

 

You A) Get a divorce

or you B) Stop complaining and stay married

  • Like 6
heartbrokenlady Established Member

heartbrokenlady

Posted
Posted
There is a recent thread here where a male poster is in a broken marriage. He posted about developing an emotional attachment (no action taken) with a younger woman. Some of the female regulars have torn into him a bit hard, chanting the mantra 'fix your marriage'. I don't know the circumstances of this other situation but, having been in a broken marriage for more than 20 years, I've got to ask 'how?'. In my case I just 'toughed it out' for the sake of the kids and because I loved my ex enough that, for most of those years, I held out hope for a reconciliation. But that's me. What is a guy (or a gal) who is in a practical trap because of legal factors (alimony, child support, shared assets that would be forced to be liquidated) 'supposed' to do? If the only other answer is to 'bite the bullet', I understand. But I'm curious if some of you others have answers besides mine which was, as stated above, to ride it out.

 

 

There seems to be this attitude today that relationships should just work, without any effort. Life isn't like that!

 

Shared activities, common interests, doing nice things for your partner (personally, a back rub, dinner cooked, a cushion behind my back on the sofa, a hug do it for me). Basically, paying attention to them. Showing them that you care and want to be with them.

 

Also of course, marriage or relationship counseling. Or personal therapy if the issue is yours and not shared.

 

Plus, eventually, accepting that a financially strapped single life might be preferable. Everyone has a limit to what they can accept and only you know yours.

  • Like 7
OpenBook Established Member

OpenBook

Posted
Posted

If I knew the answer to that, I'd be enjoying my private yacht right now instead of posting on LS. :D

 

I do believe that marriage is what the two people in the marriage make it. It's your creation, your baby, and it doesn't have to fit the vision of what everyone else thinks it should look like. Communication is critical. And like heartbrokenlady said, you have to pay attention & be nice to your partner.

 

That's about all I got.

  • Like 3
OpenBook Established Member

OpenBook

Posted
Posted

I've also heard (from people who've been married for decades) that it ebbs and flows. Some years (YEARS, not days or months) are better than others.

 

That tells me that you have to have a high level of tolerance, patience, intestinal fortitude and stick-to-it-iveness to hang in there, wait for the better times to come around again.

  • Like 5
central Established Member

central

Posted
Posted

It takes two people to fix marital problems. Once person can rarely do so, unless they are the primary cause of the problem.

 

 

So, fix it or exit. There is nothing so important that exiting isn't a viable answer (not assets, not reduced living standards, etc.). Okay, one (rare) exception, and that's if you have young kids and can't be good co-parents, because your spouse is incompetent, or vindictive (so will turn the kids against you).

 

 

Is happiness and peace of mind so valueless to you that you'd stay in a miserable marriage? I wouldn't. I didn't.

  • Like 7
wmacbride Established Member

wmacbride

Posted
Posted

This will not be popular, but here goes anyway...

 

I've been married 20 years, and it has sure had its ups and downs. It can be hard sometimes to keep sight of the fact that it takes two to make a marriage work. In most cases, it also takes two for it to fall apart.

 

If you are unhappy enough that the idea of divorce even enters your mind as wishful thinking, that is an emergency. Don't just sit on your ( not necessarily you op, but a general "you") behind and hope it gets better. Talk to your spouse. They are not a mind reader. If you can't talk to them, write it all out and give it to them. Make them listen/read what you have to say. Don't let them wiggle out of it. Get counsel ling if needed.

 

If, after all this, you still can't find your way, then consider pulling the plug.

 

I know this is easy for me to say and not so easy to do, and I haven't always followed my own advice.

  • Like 5
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nospam99 Established Member

nospam99

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Don't just sit on your ( not necessarily you op, but a general "you") behind and hope it gets better. Get counsel ling if needed.

 

If, after all this, you still can't find your way, then consider pulling the plug.

 

 

Sorry I didn't make that all clear. I am divorced. It took four+ years of legal wrangling and would have taken three+ more had I wanted a trial. I started the thread to ask what other alternatives to stay, leave, or see a counselor (which didn't work in my case) people had. I think on LS we participants mostly post about the marriages that are failing or have failed. The couples who have success with any kind of reconciliation are less likely to be here and VERY much less likely to share the stories of their problems In Real Life.

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted
Sorry I didn't make that all clear. I am divorced. It took four+ years of legal wrangling and would have taken three+ more had I wanted a trial.

 

OK so you stayed 20 years to avoid the "practical trap" but did the practical trap not bite you anyway?

If you were now the age that is all started to go wrong, instead of 60, would you do anything differently?

  • Like 1
BarbedFenceRider Established Member

BarbedFenceRider

Posted
Posted

Broken marriages should be tossed aside. Start new and healthy relationships built upon the values you both share.

 

But there is the crux of it...you BOTH have to share them, mostly these days, they don't!

 

Lots of people these days have unrealistic views on marriage, and most really don't have a clue about what it takes to have a successful one...We have had at least 3 generations with broken homes, single parents and instant gratification and re-definition of the family. Not a lot to go on there....

  • Like 2
somanymistakes Established Member

somanymistakes

Posted
Posted

There are points where it's too late to fix a marriage, where people have started moving inexorably apart and any amount of counseling is just papering over the problem.

 

To really 'fix' anything, it's important to look into the problem early on, before patterns get set and resentment has time to fester.

  • Like 1
heartbrokenlady Established Member

heartbrokenlady

Posted
Posted
There are points where it's too late to fix a marriage, where people have started moving inexorably apart and any amount of counseling is just papering over the problem.

 

To really 'fix' anything, it's important to look into the problem early on, before patterns get set and resentment has time to fester.

 

 

This is true. I did a year of marriage counseling but when we started, it was already too late. I wish I'd done the same with my recent ex. I adored him and would have gone a long way to fix things with him.

jjgitties Established Member

jjgitties

Posted
Posted

If you are unhappy enough that the idea of divorce even enters your mind as wishful thinking, that is an emergency. Don't just sit on your ( not necessarily you op, but a general "you") behind and hope it gets better. Talk to your spouse. They are not a mind reader. If you can't talk to them, write it all out and give it to them. Make them listen/read what you have to say. Don't let them wiggle out of it. Get counsel ling if needed.

 

Easier said that done. Any and every time I suggested talking it out or god forbit councling WWIII breaks out.

 

Broken marriages should be tossed aside. Start new and healthy relationships built upon the values you both share.

 

The thing is, you don't know you are in a broken marriage or whether everyone is in a similar boat. you also dont know if its real or if you are going through some sort of depression or mid life crisis.

 

 

OP, that thread you referenced might have been my thread.

 

 

My thinking is, it takes a very particular strong minded self assured individual to just say "**** this ****, i am out of here and going off to live my life to the fullest because i have only been given one life and i aint gonna keep wasting my days in this house"

 

unless there is a very nasty relationship meaning violence, drugs, abuse, cheating going on -- you are perpetually in this state of unhappiness and constantly working on yourself to try to make your self get out of your unhappy state of mind.

 

FWIW -- I am not just staying because of legal consequences or money. Hell, I someone was to guarantee me that if I walked away from the family, and the house and the job and the salary and the pension and gave it all to my wife and kids and went off to live on an island under a banana tree--- that i would be truly happy for rest of my live -- i would gladly walk away from it all and do just that!

 

but there is not guarantee that would make you happy. you might just wind up being just as unhappy as you were before --you would just have no money, no wife, no family, no kids -- you would just have a banana tree above your head.

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nospam99 Established Member

nospam99

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
OK so you stayed 20 years to avoid the "practical trap" but did the practical trap not bite you anyway?

If you were now the age that is all started to go wrong, instead of 60, would you do anything differently?

 

No bite. No alimony. No child support. No forced liquidation of real assets. I didn't have to jump through legal hoops to be a father to my kids and today I am a larger part of their lives than my ex is. My lawyer didn't even charge me that much compared to the stories I've heard.

 

Did I stay too long? Was it worth 20 years of my life? My answers today are 'no' and 'yes'. Unlikely that you or anyone on LS will get to ask me again on my death bed when I get my last review of the questions.

 

Yes, jjgitties, your thread. My sympathy to you for both your situation and for some of the negativity you are catching on LS.

Edited by nospam99
jjgitties Established Member

jjgitties

Posted
Posted
No bite. No alimony. No child support. No forced liquidation of real assets. I didn't have to jump through legal hoops to be a father to my kids and today I am a larger part of their lives than my ex is. My lawyer didn't even charge me that much compared to the stories I've heard.

 

Did I stay too long? Was it worth 20 years of my life? My answers today are 'no' and 'yes'. Unlikely that you or anyone on LS will get to ask me again on my death bed when I get my last review of the questions.

 

So I need to ask because obviously, I am in your shoes that you were 20 years ago.

 

You stayed in the marriage for 20 years than you wanted to and it didn't get better and nothing changed? you just stayed long enough for the kids to grow up, finish college and get married off and then you divorced?

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

I don't necessarily know what people in broken marriages should do. Every situation is different.

 

 

But I am perfectly clear on what they absolutely should NOT do: cheat.

 

 

If you want out, get a divorce but if you are gonna stick it out, honor the forsaking all others vow.

  • Like 6
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nospam99 Established Member

nospam99

Posted
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Posted
So I need to ask because obviously, I am in your shoes that you were 20 years ago.

 

You stayed in the marriage for 20 years than you wanted to and it didn't get better and nothing changed? you just stayed long enough for the kids to grow up, finish college and get married off and then you divorced?

 

More or less. The kids grew up and finished college. There are unique and still ongoing legal issues that delayed the divorce settlement for about three years.

 

In case you missed it since my edit occurred while you were posting, yes I was referring back to your thread. Don't take my life as a model for any decisions you will have to make. Every situation is different.

Grapesofwrath Established Member

Grapesofwrath

Posted
Posted

I know a couple that stay married because of financial reasons. They are fully estranged, but do not want to face the consequences of divorce. (There are financial resources in the extended family, but they choose not to mobilize them. SMH).

 

They feel they do not have adequate resources to maintain two households in this city, so they continue to live together, but date other people. Both parties date outside the marriage, and their children are aware that this is the case. (Their children are now in high school and middle school.) The kids even know some of the involved parties,

 

I have heard that if the wife found a rich boyfriend, she would leave the husband.

 

They believe this situation is "best for the kids" because they live in an "intact family." I do not agree. I have been divorced for 7 years, much to my detriment, financially. But I would rather live in a life of integrity and freedom than maintain a sham marriage in order to keep material comfort. But that's just me.

jjgitties Established Member

jjgitties

Posted
Posted (edited)
Don't take my life as a model for any decisions you will have to make. Every situation is different.

 

I am not and I can't. Everyone is different and everyones life is different. But I am really worried this same thing is going to happen to me. I dont believe people change. They are who they are. The problems I am dealing with will always be there in this marriage. I will wind up filing for divorce just when the younger one finishes university and gets married off and i will be a 60 year old whos looks are all gone and the johnson doesn't work anymore. :(

Edited by jjgitties
i calculated wrong
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nospam99 Established Member

nospam99

Posted
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Posted
i will be a 60 year old whos looks are all gone and the johnson doesn't work anymore. :(

 

LOL

1) stay out of the sun or use lots of sunscreen and a big-brimmed hat

2) exercise: planks and supermans for your six-pack

3) vegies and fruits for your diet: collards, mushrooms, grapefruit, etc

4) get on OLD now and check out the 60-somethings - you'll have a pleasant surprise

Life doesn't begin at 60. But I don't think it ends there either ;)

jjgitties Established Member

jjgitties

Posted
Posted
LOL

1) stay out of the sun or use lots of sunscreen and a big-brimmed hat

2) exercise: planks and supermans for your six-pack

3) vegies and fruits for your diet: collards, mushrooms, grapefruit, etc

4) get on OLD now and check out the 60-somethings - you'll have a pleasant surprise

Life doesn't begin at 60. But I don't think it ends there either ;)

 

yeah, OLD is going to go over really well when my wife's single friends see my profile on there and go, 'hey wait a minute, it isn't that so and so?'

 

well the good thing is, i do exercise more now that i did before, so i should be really buff in 10 years.

heartbrokenlady Established Member

heartbrokenlady

Posted
Posted
I am not and I can't. Everyone is different and everyones life is different. But I am really worried this same thing is going to happen to me. I dont believe people change. They are who they are. The problems I am dealing with will always be there in this marriage. I will wind up filing for divorce just when the younger one finishes university and gets married off and i will be a 60 year old whos looks are all gone and the johnson doesn't work anymore. :(

 

 

My ex was 58 when we got together. I was 40. Mind. Blowing. Sex. for 11 years. The likes of which I had never experienced before or since.

  • Like 2
Grapesofwrath Established Member

Grapesofwrath

Posted
Posted (edited)

I think one has to ask oneself....when it's all over, how do you want to the story of your life to go? Will you be satisfied with how you lived your life if you spent decades in an unhappy marriage "for the kids?" Will you feel satisfied if you were the best parent you could be, and also pursued your own goals of happiness and love? Consider how it will feel when you look back on the whole story of your life.

Edited by Grapesofwrath
typo
road Established Member

road

Posted
Posted (edited)
There is a recent thread here where a male poster is in a broken marriage. He posted about developing an emotional attachment (no action taken) with a younger woman. Some of the female regulars have torn into him a bit hard, chanting the mantra 'fix your marriage'. I don't know the circumstances of this other situation but, having been in a broken marriage for more than 20 years, I've got to ask 'how?'. In my case I just 'toughed it out' for the sake of the kids and because I loved my ex enough that, for most of those years, I held out hope for a reconciliation. But that's me. What is a guy (or a gal) who is in a practical trap because of legal factors (alimony, child support, shared assets that would be forced to be liquidated) 'supposed' to do? If the only other answer is to 'bite the bullet', I understand. But I'm curious if some of you others have answers besides mine which was, as stated above, to ride it out.

 

I don't necessarily know what people in broken marriages should do. Every situation is different.

 

 

But I am perfectly clear on what they absolutely should NOT do: cheat.

 

 

If you want out, get a divorce but if you are gonna stick it out, honor the forsaking all others vow.

 

Sometimes it's best to start with the what not to do list

when that list is the short list.

 

Do not cheat.

 

Now on to the long list:

 

As Ann Landers, used to write back in the 1960's and 1970's when

asked should I divorce. Her response was would your life better

with them or without them.

 

So you stay or leave. When 25 years old, no kids, short marriage,

little to no financial entanglements better to divorce.

 

65 year old, 40 year marriage, house paid off, grand kids, finances,

retirement makes decisions hard. To get divorced may be too costly

in the way of non financial matters as well. Your daughter is a single

parent, she needs family help to raise her kids. You blow your marriage

apart and the grand kids suffer and get harmed.

 

In short you make the decision based on what does the least

damage, or you do not care ( not give a F<>K) about the large picture but just

only give a F<>K about making yourself feel better.

 

So you balance out short term costs with long term costs then

do what is that you want.

Edited by road
jjgitties Established Member

jjgitties

Posted
Posted
I think one has to ask oneself....when it's all over, how do you want to the story of your life to go? Will you be satisfied with how you lived your life if you spent decades in an unhappy marriage "for the kids?" Will you feel satisfied if you were the best parent you could be, and also pursued your own goals of happiness and love? Consider how it will feel when you look back on the whole story of your life.

 

You know what. I think when its all over and i am on my death bed, i would be very happy if i could say, i may not have been happy but at least i didn't **** up my kids by walking away from "the family".

 

many on LS claim you won't screw them up, but I am not convinced.

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