Purely physical

[Cullenbohannon]

Wasn't it your husband who had the revenge affair. In your backstory the 2 of you seperated, you connected with, visited and flashed your ex. It sounded like a affair to him, so he went south.

 

Or did that not count.

[usa1ah]

This was my confessional.

No hi fives needed.

I am more looking for advice. I am in need of guidance. Yes this man is married. No, i don't stick with my husband for $. I make double what my husband does. I know our children love him as much as they love me. We get along well and i don't see sense in ending my marriage now.

 

In other words I am cheating and don’t want to give hubby alimony in a divorce.

[usa1ah]

Heartless.

[Poutrew]

I would bet that if you found out your husband was banging another woman on the side right now, you would be furious and say that he has no justification for cheating on you - even as you are making plans to bang your married lover. Am I right?

[Buckeye2]

He wasn't in an open marriage then. He still cheated and there was no justification for it at the time

 

There is no open marriage now either.

The OP is cheating and I guess the jury is out as to whether there may be some justification for it... Hurt angry resentful and a need for revenge...

 

I understand your point. My point is that if you use your WS's past infidelity as justification for your ongoing (no plans to stop) affair then you have decided to have an open marriage. You just need to notify your spouse.

Edited December 23, 2017 by Buckeye2

[justcausaullyhere]

I made a statement of my situation. I know EA's are not good. Looking to see what ppl have to contribute. Similar stories, etc. I have no specific question. But I think from my description it's fairly obvious concerning my issue...lol, I'm not looking for recommendations on what ice cream to buy tonight.

 

I had a very similar story but on the males perspective. I wasn't getting satisfaction at home and found a coworker very attractive. Never thought of doing anything. But things happened and i can say the sex was mind blowing and addicting. having to sneak around was an excitement. during the day living your regular life and then having the thrill and excitement of someone new in bed pleasing you. words cant describe how amazing it feels in the moment. ''

 

My question. was it purely physical attraction that made you want your co worker? had your mind been wandering about him and how it would feel being with him physically? are there sexual aspects that he just brings which you haven't had in a while? I say stay clear headed don't get too deep into it. keep it purely physical if you choose and enjoy yourself until it starts to get out of hand. Trust me theres plenty of people that have done worse and have never told there spouse and are living fine.

[road]

He wasn't in an open marriage then. He still cheated and there was no justification for it at the time

There is no open marriage now either.

The OP is cheating and I guess the jury is out as to whether there may be some justification for it... Hurt angry resentful and a need for revenge...

 

Jury has reached a verdict.

 

Will the defendant please rise.

 

The jury has found you guilty of having an affair.

 

The sentence is to confess to your BH.

 

Ciao.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

II know EA's are not good.

 

I thought it was only physical?

[Mr Blunt]

Originally Posted by onehalfmunky

I am more looking for advice. I am in need of guidance

 

Your husband betrayed you and stuck a dagger in your heart. For whatever reason (vengeance?) you decided to have an affair to soothe your hurt and satisfy your emotions.

 

You want advice? Here is my advice for you. Get all the help that you can so you can learn to FORGIVE your husband and yourself. My definition of forgiveness is that you get to the point that you no longer have hate, anger and revenge; what is your

definition of forgive? Also, get all the help that you can so that you are accountable to yourself so that you can BUILD YOURSELF BACK UP. You can recover to a great degree but your marriage may not. You can only change you.

[Just a Guy]

Hi onehalfmunky, I guess you have a lot of advice and opinions from a broad section of posters on this forum that you can chew the cud on. I wont get into the points already covered. I have dome questions I would like to put to you if you will be so kind as to address them. The first is that you mentioned that you decided to fulfill your husband's expectations of you by having a revenge affair. Well you have had sex with your so called coworker friend a number of times so your revenge is complete. You do not have to continue the affair any further unless you are already addicted to it. You should stop it and confess to your husband and tell him you have had your revenge and let him process that information. If you cannot do that and are not prepared to give up your affair you have a bigger problem than you realise. I tend to agree with Jenkins and deadsoul that this affair, unless nipped in the bud, will suck you in deep and will finally lead to exposure, humiliation and the break up of your marriage. Not a very happy prospect.

 

My other question relates to your abandoning your moral high ground and lowering yourself to the level of your husband and maybe worse. Now he can turn around and tell you that you are no better than him and so you cannot hold anything he did against him. Worse, you are going to feel low about yourself for having descended to such an unsavoury level where you cannot respect yourself. My question is why did you throw caution to the winds and lose the advantage you had over your husband and score a self goal? Did you seriously think that your having an affair was going to level the playing field? Did you not sit down and think out the consequences of your action, both short term and long term? Do you always react to life's problems with a knee jerk response,? There already was drama in your lives and now you have created a theater of the absurd!

 

Also, it is now Christmas eve. Is this the wonderful Christmas present you have gift wrapped in toilet paper yo present not only to your husband but also your family consisting of your children? What about your extended family? Your parents and siblings? Are you going to hand them out pieces of the stink chow you have cooked up? What about your AP? What Christmas gift have you got ready for him? What a sad state of affairs( play on words intended) for your family. How are you going to wish them Merry Christmas and give them kisses all the while knowing what a dirty secret you are hiding from them? Lady, you have a lot of thinking and mulling to do. One can only wish you the very best. You said you had a clear conscience getting into this affair. Your sense of ethics must be pretty skewed for you to have a clear conscience and by the way, if that were true,, why did you come to an infidelity forum which is populated mostly by BSs' knowing that you were going to get a lambasting?

[Dutchman1]

X-mas 2017,

How is it that I feel so sad for your children, having a cheating mom?

[kgcolonel]

X-mas 2017,

How is it that I feel so sad for your children, having a cheating mom?

 

And Dad....

 

ten characters

[merrmeade]

[/b]

 

 

An alcoholic doesn't become one in one day or even two months... you see, although I am not an alcoholic, I don't think they realize they have a problem at first. Because they can compartmentalize what they are doing. That's what you're doing now.

 

But later... all of the sudden they can't live without the booze... and you won't be able to "live" without the "hit" of affair sex.

 

It's an addiction. If you can stay non-attached and you can live with the guilt of what you're doing and are prepared to face the consequences, my advice is to keep on keeping on. I'm not being sarcastic. I'm being truthful.

 

The problem is, you will become attached, addicted and at some point, you have to deal with the consequences and own your actions...

 

So... I won't advise you the obvious, because I think you already know.

 

But you are in that "happy" compartmentalization stage where nothing about what you're doing seems wrong and everyone's happy.

 

I wish you could "hear" my tone, because I'm really not trying to sound snarky or mean. I'm speaking from sad, sad experience of having been there and done that.

 

The fall out of it all sucks.

 

^That is an understatement.

 

It's a horrible roller coaster ride. One I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Wow, you have really come a long way, deadsoul, if I'm remembering your long thread correctly. Pretty incredible insights. I hope OP gets it, but sounds like she's stuck at the top of the compartmentalization ferris wheel.

[Dutchman1]

Merry X-mas.

 

All of a sudden , reading this I can only think of the three little words Santa always says?? How is that??

 

Merry X-Mas all .( here its alrdy boxing day.)

[LifesontheUp]

So what you going to say when either your husband or his wife finds out?

Really - you think this is ok? Seriously, if you do get yourself some counselling quickly before this all gets blown open

[carhill]

Revenge affairs or ONS are pretty common IME; results vary. OP, if you/your spouse are a more analytical person and can compartmentalize emotion away from action, and especially away from sexual activity, and your partner similarly, this could be a beneficial arrangement for you. You may find you don't like it or just have a change of mind or heart.

 

Your spouse understands completely what undisclosed affairs are about since he apparently participated in one himself as chronicled in your prior threads on the topic. He's no stranger to infidelity and apparently also believed you were cheating or had in the past. You and he decide the marriage you want to have. For some people this outside sexual fulfillment is an anathema to what marriage means. That's fine, they can live their lives any way they choose, as can you. For each, choices have consequences. Examine those particular to your situation and decide whether or not you're comfortable with them and accept them.

 

I've got one iteration similar to yours, except reversed (wife cheated first, husband revenge) and they're closing in on 30 years now, only marriage for both, and have worked things out. I've known them for nearly their entire marriage, including when the cheating was going on. I wouldn't want that arrangement for my own M but it works for them. I call it mutually assured destruction. They're both popular, attractive and have a strong social presence. Either could snap up a new partner at a moments notice. They don't. It's there though, including unwinding 3 decades of marriage and the fruits of very successful careers and family. Detente is generally in play but sometimes the claws come out on both sides. In their case affairs/dalliances were apparently disclosed. Yours is a bit different in that regard in that your H's experience wasn't disclosed for years and yours not at all. Something to consider moving forward.

 

I wish you wisdom in your decisions.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Carhill, what you say makes sense if there is complete transparency on both sides. That's what open marriages are about and if properly handled( read sensitively) then an open marriage can succeed indefinitely whereas lack of transparency( read cheating) will implode a marriage sooner or later.

 

I think trust is all important to a union and if that is missing then it is doubtful that the union can survive. It is the glue which holds the union together along with other things. If a person wants to cheat then he/she wants the classic' Having your cake and eating it too' situation in their union. These two conditions are incompatible. Also, why would someone who finds it necessary to cheat on his/ her spouse want to remain married to the spouse? It would be completely unpalatable simply because one's heart was somewhere else. Just a thought. Warm wishes.

[carhill]

I view disclosure as a clear baseline from which choices can flow which is why I'd encourage the OP to be transparent about her actions.

 

Once that's out of the way, then they can proceed to an agreement of action.

 

In the case of my sample, all indications are that the parties are monogamous and actively resistant to any outside influences. That was a choice they made. The penalty for abrogating their agreement would be severe financial damage and getting replaced without consideration or recourse. Other people would manage their marriages in their own unique way.

[4fin]

Your husband betrayed you and stuck a dagger in your heart. For whatever reason (vengeance?) you decided to have an affair to soothe your hurt and satisfy your emotions.

 

You want advice? Here is my advice for you. Get all the help that you can so you can learn to FORGIVE your husband and yourself. My definition of forgiveness is that you get to the point that you no longer have hate, anger and revenge; what is your

definition of forgive? Also, get all the help that you can so that you are accountable to yourself so that you can BUILD YOURSELF BACK UP. You can recover to a great degree but your marriage may not. You can only change you.

 

I had someone send me an Oprah clip of all things on forgiveness that totally changed the way I approach the subject if not life itself. Forgiveness is giving up hope that the past can be any different. I've told several people that and some get it and some don't. For whatever reason it resonated with me to the core. I used to believe forgiveness was giving something to someone else. That's no longer the case. It's a gift to myself. It may sound selfish but it's a good kind of selfish. It sucks being angry.

[dichotomy]

I dont know how heartbroken and remorseful your husband was - or how long his affair lasted.

 

I dont think revenge affairs make sense.

 

If you and your MM AP are in sexless marriages that's a different reason....but I I don't know what "infrequent" means in your marriage - nor what "not getting the sex he needs" means for your MM AP.

 

Someone always gets attached in these things - your not FB's your FWBs and coworkers. Also work affairs can get awkward and messy quick.

[Mr Blunt]

Your husband betrayed you and stuck a dagger in your heart. For whatever reason (vengeance?) you decided to have an affair to soothe your hurt and satisfy your emotions.

 

You want advice? Here is my advice for you. Get all the help that you can so you can learn to FORGIVE your husband and yourself. My definition of forgiveness is that you get to the point that you no longer have hate, anger and revenge; what is your

definition of forgive? Also, get all the help that you can so that you are accountable to yourself so that you can BUILD YOURSELF BACK UP. You can recover to a great degree but your marriage may not. You can only change you.

 

I had someone send me an Oprah clip of all things on forgiveness that totally changed the way I approach the subject if not life itself. Forgiveness is giving up hope that the past can be any different.I've told several people that and some get it and some don't. For whatever reason it resonated with me to the core. I used to believe forgiveness was giving something to someone else. That's no longer the case. It's a gift to myself. It may sound selfish but it's a good kind of selfish. It sucks being angry.

Forgiveness is giving up hope that the past can be any different.

That is a good one 4fin!

 

From an Oprah website I got the two below that seem accurate:

 

Working It Out

Dr. Hallowell says this step is difficult, but you need to analyze your anger and put your life back into perspective.

 

• Flatten the hook (what's holding you back) and rid yourself of the anger that is keeping you from forgiveness. Praying and mediating can help.
  
• Take inventory and give thanks for all the things you do have
  

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/4-steps-to-forgiveness-dr-ned-hallowell/all#ixzz52Qll8fod

I also found an article from the Berkeley education website

 

By Berkeley education web site

http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/forgiveness/definition

What Is Forgiveness?

 

Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness

In my case with dealing with infidelity, I think focusing on you to build yourself up is crucial. What I did was to make a conscious, deliberate decision to take several actions. Two of those actions were to get closer to my other family members and take actions to rebuild my faith.

 

 

 

My faith helped me to believe that if I desired and strove to please God that my future was going to be OK. In addition, I needed to believe that there was someone that would not betray me, would always be faithful and that I had value; my faith gave me that assurance. I also believed that God would reward me if I diligently sought Him and had faith; that came true in the years that came after the Infidelity. Those are some of the actions that helped me to release negative and hurtful emotions.

Edited December 28, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote of Mr Blunt

[4fin]

I'm glad you enjoyed that Mr. Blunt. I wish I could take credit for coming up with it but I'm really just glad I found it and was at a point where I understood what it meant to give up hope that the past can be any different in the context of forgiveness. It really seemed to apply to the situations betrayed spouses fall in. My situation was so different but it applied well there to.

[Mr. Lucky]

My conscience is clear. I have fun with my friend, but love my husband and father of my two children.

 

You know, I've taken a break from LoveShack recently because people's repetitive ability to knowingly hurt those they profess to care about simply wore me down.

 

And onehalfmunky, here you are. Not only do you love your husband but you also have personal knowledge of the pain infidelity causes. And the course of action you choose? You cheat on your marriage...

 

SMH...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Just a Guy]

Hi Mr. Lucky, good to see you again. I guess you are one of the more rational posters on this forum and folks would have missed your advice and opinions. Hope to see you resume posting with vigour. As usual your observation on onehalfmunky is spot on. Warm wishes.

[Confused48]

I think revenge, vengeance, seeking justice, compensation, retribution, all are good things. Not everyone would agree of course.

 

I think you should tell your husband about your affair. What's the good of getting revenge in secret?

 

What you are doing is like if you got punched in the gut so hard you puked, then for revenge you punch your tormentor in the gut, while he is under anesthesia. Lame.