have long term girlfriend but attracted to coworker

[lana-banana]

Break up with your girlfriend. Yes, coworker crushes happen to everyone, but if you have hit the point where you are unable to love or appreciate your girlfriend because of this fantasy obsession, that is a sign that your current girlfriend is not the one for you. Let her go.

 

You do not sound like you've developed any actual relationship with your co-worker. This is all being driven by fantasy and imagination. So ask yourself what it is about your co-worker that's driving this? What needs or hopes are you imagining she fulfills? Yes, of course crushes are more alluring than the reality---you never daydream about snippy arguments over where to get dinner, or nights when you have to scrub the floors rather than go out with friends. Is that what makes this so exciting? The idea of not having any of those responsibilities, of discovering someone new?

[JuneL]

Break up with your girlfriend. She deserves someone who truly loves her; you're going to have resentment anyway. If you're already married (marriage is a life-long promise), I'd encourage you to work things through. But it's not fair to waste her time; let her go find someone who's 100% in.

[idrather_hidemyname]

From the beginning of this post until now, replies went from "stick to your loving girlfriend, this will go away" to "just break up with her, you're wasting her time". I was not expected this twist, it affected me a lot, but I guess I deserve those words. And my girlfriend does deserve better than me.

 

 

answering your questions:

lana-banana: this is not the case where I'm not able to love or appreciate my girlfriend. Instead, when I'm with my girlfriend, I feel calmer (I'm a super stressed person) and happy inside. the thing which motivated me feeling attracted was more towards discovering something new - plus feeling alone and hurt. My girlfriend is my first - I had never dated anyone before her, not even kissed. And yes, this idea of wondering what else is beyond her has haunted me in the past. We had a crisis because of that roughly 2 years into our relationship. But I decided to stay with her because of how happy she made me. This was also when I found out that love and passion are two different things, and I felt that I overcame those insecurities.

 

When I started developing this crush over my colleague, I was not happy - I felt alone and hurt, and shouldn't have ignored my heart nor how potentially dangerous a physical attraction could be. And also shouldn't have assumed that it would go away just because I worked things out with my girlfriend. I never expected this to have such a strong and negative psychological impact on me. It's disturbing me on so many levels that even people at work notice something's wrong with me.

 

Anyway, I was an ass in my previous post, but at least I could openly admit my weaknesses and internal demons. Those are real, and I have to deal with them. But I've made so many mistakes until now that I'm afraid to proceed in any direction.

 

If anything, I've been trying to decrease contact with this girl from work (it's hurtful, distracting, and the jealousy is still there).

 

I also don't think breaking up with my girlfriend is such a nice idea. I'd be throwing away the future I've envisioned for us together, and would be making us both miserable without even being honest about why I'm so confused.

 

We agreed to talk when she comes back, so until then I'll be reflecting upon this. I'm also taking a few days off work to give my mind some peace.

 

Meanwhile I can answer any questions you'd like to ask. This is for anyone willing to help me, anyone on a similar situation, or just out of curiosity.

[olivetree]

If this is your first relationship and first everything - kiss, sex, etc, I totally get wanting to know what else is out there.

 

At about two years, which is when you said you had problems, is when limerence (honeymoon) period usually ends where true love (or lack of it) begins.

 

The chemical rush that made is so easy to love each other is over and now comes the real work.

After this period it seems that you still feel you have someone awesome that makes you feel happy and calm, and you connect deeply to, have good sex with and who overall gives you warm fuzzies.

From experience I can tell you that's not exactly easy to find and you may have lucked out on your first try.

You could very well regret tossing it away if you do, but I do understand that you may feel that you have no choice but to find out.

 

The thought of my first bf makes me shudder so you're doing pretty good.

[idrather_hidemyname]

Hey everyone,

 

My girlfriend came back from her short abroad stay. Before she left, I promised to tell her what's wrong once she came back, and I think the time to shine some light and have a conversation about our relationship has come, wherever that will take us.

 

Regarding my feelings - all of them - I'm overall a bit calmer and can manage my emotions a bit better. Things also became a better with my gf, because both of us are happier now that we're together again. I have had only professional contact with the girl at work, although I am still, admittedly, crushing on her.

 

My question now is if there is a best time to talk about this? I'm not sure what to tell her, or how to tell her, although I believe I won't be able to control where the conversation will go once it starts. There is also a chance we will break up, and I'm scared as **** that will happen. I've never been there, I have a lot to lose, and that's what's hindering me from bringing it up.

 

Any thoughts?

[olivetree]

Why don't you tell us what you plan to say to give us something to work with?

Also, what is your purpose in telling her?

What do you want to happen?

[Cookiesandough]

What’s the point of telling her. I don’t get that

[TheTraveler]

The guy who hits on her, also a close coworker, brought up the topic of my girlfriend during a conversation we were all in (probably on purpose. also I think they'll end up dating).

After this girl found I have a girlfriend, our interactions became different. Now they are mostly cold, she's kind of inconsistent over our interactions (in terms of how nice she talks) and I'm pretty sure she doesn't give a flying **** about me anymore.

 

I laughed. Your coworker bringing up you have a girlfriend is normal conversation.

 

Duh, you have a gf

 

She's definitely going to pull away, and good for her, because she thought you were single.

 

The only reason you would bring this up to your current girlfriend is because you want her to take charge and decide the relationship going forward. Because, at the end of the day, nothing happened between you and your crush.

 

Drop what you had planned to tell her and change the subject. Say something silly you were stressed at work.

 

Work on building a relationship with your gf. If not, step up and be a man, and end the relationship

Edited February 22, 2018 by TheTraveler

[idrather_hidemyname]

Why don't you tell us what you plan to say to give us something to work with?

Also, what is your purpose in telling her?

What do you want to happen?

 

What’s the point of telling her. I don’t get that

 

Tbh I don't know. I promised I'd tell my gf what's wrong. On the basis of honesty, I'd just spill the beans. But both your questions made me realize I don't really know what I want nor what I expect. I guess I was facing this as an issue of relationships such as fighting a lot or lack of communication, but this is purely about my feelings and that makes things worse.

 

Work on building a relationship with your gf. If not, step up and be a man, and end the relationship

 

Truly, I am being a coward. By simply confessing the whole situation to my gf, I would be just laying on her the task of deciding our future. It would be hurtful and unfair to her.

 

However, I don't know how to proceed from here. I've weighted the pros and cons of breaking up, and I can't make up my mind. I don't want to just throw away all that we have built without at least trying to overcome these issues, but they are here, I can't make them go away, I'm too scared of a breakup and I would hate if someone broke up with me out of the blue or without an honest chance to sort things out...

[Rainah]

Dating coworkers is never a good idea.

 

Work things out with your girlfriend, its a long term relationship, distance yourself from the co worker.

 

Take your girl on some dates, get the spark back into the relationship

[joseb]

 

However, I don't know how to proceed from here. I've weighted the pros and cons of breaking up, and I can't make up my mind. I don't want to just throw away all that we have built without at least trying to overcome these issues, but they are here, I can't make them go away, I'm too scared of a breakup and I would hate if someone broke up with me out of the blue or without an honest chance to sort things out...

 

Personally, if I'm at the point of listing pros and cons of staying in a relationship, it's done. Over.

 

Staying in a relationship out of fear of breaking up is probably the worst possible reason to stay.

[bachdude]

I think crushes are the result of over idealizing a person we don’t even know. More often than not our idealized version of our crush gets demolished when fantasy meets real life.

 

OP, rarely does a crush fulfill our dreams. You have no idea what a relationship would be like with her. She could turn out to be a controlling, possessive, manipulative psycho who drives you to the brink. You have no idea. How people behave at work and how they are in relationships can be totally different. You don’t even know this woman.

 

Even if she isn’t those things I listed, it is highly unlikely a relationship with her would be any easier than the one with your current GF. And going by what you describe of your current relationship, it sounds like your current relationship has been pretty darn good. Be careful, very careful, what you throw away or risk throwing away. It ain’t so easy to find someone these days, seriously. I walked away from relationships when I was younger not realizing what I had. Just don’t be a fool, OP.

[idrather_hidemyname]

From a rational point of view, i get that. Thanks for the down to earth reply.

 

It's just hard for me to figure out my feelings for my girlfriend right now. This whole situation of crushing on my colleague feels suffocating, and I don't want to waste my gf's time or play with her feelings. We've always sorted our problems together, even when one of us was confused.

 

But this is different. I'm not being able to clear this on my own. On the one hand, I'd like to go through this and make things right with my gf; on the other hand, I can't just tell her what's on my mind- I don't want to hurt her by keeping her in a relationship in which she'd have to withstand the **** up mess I am right now.

 

It ain’t so easy to find someone these days, seriously. I walked away from relationships when I was younger not realizing what I had.

 

This is what's keeping me from breaking up. I'm almost sure I'll regret it right after...

[fireleaf]

It's just hard for me to figure out my feelings for my girlfriend right now. This whole situation of crushing on my colleague feels suffocating, and I don't want to waste my gf's time or play with her feelings. We've always sorted our problems together, even when one of us was confused.

 

But this is different. I'm not being able to clear this on my own. On the one hand, I'd like to go through this and make things right with my gf; on the other hand, I can't just tell her what's on my mind- I don't want to hurt her by keeping her in a relationship in which she'd have to withstand the **** up mess I am right now.

 

 

 

This is what's keeping me from breaking up. I'm almost sure I'll regret it right after...

 

What's important to realize is that both you and your gf can find happiness with or without each other. Loving each other enough to either work on the relationship or just letting it go. Either way both of you will be ok.

 

A few years before my ex and I split up I had the worst crush of my life on my boss. I was also suffocating from it. I thought of him every waking hour and it took two years for it to finally go away. I felt like I was released from a prison sentence lol. Smackie talked about it being an addiction and she is totally right. But crushes are biologically natural and I think you are beating yourself up too much about it. I understand that you love your gf and this is hard for you. It's also normal to have many attractions at the same time depending on how a person is wired.

 

Don't judge yourself anymore. I wish you peace for both you and your gf whatever happens

[winny]

This is my opinion not sure how many people would agree.

 

If you are in a relationship then you must make a conscious effort to never create situations where you might end up cheating. Such as being over friendly with an attractive person of opposite sex. Spending too much time with this person at work or any other place like gym etc where your GF is not around. You should not keep your relationship status a secret from this person. The more you talk about your significant other, the more she will be on your mind and people will respect the boundaries and not start flirting with you.

 

If you don't create opportunities then nothing will happen. Relationships are hard work and if you want a stable and long lasting relationship you will have to put in this work. And more so in case you have had some long distance involved.

 

Forget about this stupid infatuation. I am glad that girl has more sense and she took a step back.

And what are you doing dating for 6 years.... get engaged! Waiting too long also creates problems.

[dumbass2]

I'm not so sure you should tell her about this. Nothing happened. I put myself in your girlfriends shoes if you tell her this and she's going to think more happened between you and the co-worker. Why else would you be feeling this guilty to have to tell her. She might take it that you're just trying to lessen what actually happened. I've seen it on here where someone will say their partner said nothing happened and it was just innocent flirting and most on here would be saying "don't be naïve, of course something happened, leave him"

[gone_girl]

Us humans are complex, how true is that... Nothing is black and white, and you are allowed to fall in love with someone else. But you say -and it does seem- that you love and respect your girl. Is that enough to keep a relationship going? Who knows? This is a very personal kind of knowledge. And you won't know until you experience it. The only obvious aspect of this is that you have to choose. Doesn't matter who and why. But you have to do it and then own your choice. Take space if you need to. Do what you can to make yourself happy but always by being respectful to the people in your life.

 

(Gosh, this reminds me of my own crush at work. He has a girlfriend but when I talk to male colleagues I can see his face looking sad or annoyed, or he looks down when I catch him 'spying'. I don't think I have a chance though, he has a serious gf and they have plans, so Im behaving just like your coworker now and I feel much less affected)

[bachdude]

From a rational point of view, i get that. Thanks for the down to earth reply.

 

It's just hard for me to figure out my feelings for my girlfriend right now. This whole situation of crushing on my colleague feels suffocating, and I don't want to waste my gf's time or play with her feelings. We've always sorted our problems together, even when one of us was confused.

 

But this is different. I'm not being able to clear this on my own. On the one hand, I'd like to go through this and make things right with my gf; on the other hand, I can't just tell her what's on my mind- I don't want to hurt her by keeping her in a relationship in which she'd have to withstand the **** up mess I am right now.

 

This is what's keeping me from breaking up. I'm almost sure I'll regret it right after...

 

OP, you only understand it rationally because you haven’t made any big mistakes in this area yet. It’s only an abstract concept for you right now. I find a lot of young people don’t realize what they’ve got and they take situations and people for granted.

 

Do me a favor and google, “I left the love of my life because I thought I could do better. Now I'm childless and alone at 42”. Maybe that will help.

 

It’s a different situation all together but it is still worth reading.

 

I’m not trying to tell you, BTW, what you should do. I’m only saying, beware of throwing something (someone) valuable away for a hormonal crush. Crushes eventually fade. A woman committed to you who has invested this much time into your relationship is a wonderful thing to have. Don’t you think?

[idrather_hidemyname]

I felt like I was released from a prison sentence lol.

 

So I imagine. Hadn't had a crush in years and tbh, did not miss it at all. Can barely focus at work and it's killing me inside. Regardless of what happens between my gf and I, I want this crush to end. Thank you for your words!

 

Forget about this stupid infatuation. I am glad that girl has more sense and she took a step back.

And what are you doing dating for 6 years.... get engaged! Waiting too long also creates problems.

 

I want to. I've been distancing from this girl, but feelings wise, seems to play no effect on how addicted I am. I also think she was right to step back. Had I foreseen the stupidity of letting this crush take place, I could now have a great work relationship with my colleague - something much needed in academia.

 

About 1 / 1.5 years ago I actually had in mind to get married in the future. I recall this very fond moment of me and my gf being apart, but only geographically, since we were so close emotionally and had lots of dreams in common. At the time I was both too young and still living with my parents, no income, etc, so I knew it would be a few years until I could actually consider getting married.

 

But right now getting married, or even asking my gf to marry me would be a mistake and a futile attempt to take refuge from my messy mind. I am a strong believer that a marriage should happen between two people who love each other and are on an emotional state in which they have both inner peace and sensible discernment. I have neither.

 

dumbass2: you may be right about what other people would say to her. I've also seen that on loveshack. However, my girlfriend would believe me. In the past we've trusted each other with very dark sides of us, and yet we've always been honest and left no reason for distrust. I'm not telling my gf about my crush, but it's not because I'm afraid she would think something actually happened. Instead, it's because I would hurt her and everytime I'm at work she would be thinking about the presence of the other girl and that would be mentally wrecking.

 

Take space if you need to.

I just spent this weekend by myself, which my gf respected. As enlightening as spending some time apart would be, it's something we've never done. Asking for some space, in my case, would be a selfish way of not breaking up immediately. If info helps, my gf and I are living together after her stay(s) abroad.

 

I admire your resolve to stay away from your colleague. Sadly, in many cases, timing seems to be cruel... it's good to hear you feel less affected - I hope you find love in someone who makes you happy!

 

 

A woman committed to you who has invested this much time into your relationship is a wonderful thing to have. Don’t you think?

Hey bachdude. Yeah... I agree... I will read it and get back to you.

[smackie9]

It's been over two months and you are still frittering around with this? Here is what you do....don't go into any detail about the girl at work, keep her out of it. Talk about the relationship as a whole, your feelings, your doubts, how this all is affecting you, your feelings of desiring others, your loneliness. You are not letting her decide anything, you both are having a discussion to decide together what is best to do about it. You are not dumping on her, you are letting her know the truth for which she deserves to know and wants to know. If she doesn't know the truth, then nothing will progress. You have made her wait long enough, she's an adult, she can handle it....man up.

[idrather_hidemyname]

Yeah... We have been talking about this... since the end of last week. Actually we were just talking now, but I had to run an urgent errand and decided to check on the thread

 

i didn't recall this kind of discussion being so hard... especially since we still have so much to cover...