Uncomfortable about gf texting/meeting old ex/fwb

[PegNosePete]

Verifying on something like this could be tricky

...

she didnt hide it from me

Right. It's pretty unlikely that she would cut contact with someone she obviously has some kind of feelings for, so easily and without even a bit of a fight. And now you've tipped her off that if she wants to carry on a relationship with you, she WILL have to hide it from you. Verifying that she has NC'd him or not will be very tricky indeed. Even if you snoop it's likely she will be covering her tracks, deleting messages, etc.

 

Of course maybe she really has cut off contact. But it will be very difficult to know for sure. You may have put yourself into a difficult position here...

Edited December 21, 2017 by PegNosePete

[BarbedFenceRider]

Simply, you don't have to go all super sleuth on her. But read up on this site for the "red flags" and use simple "man math". She does seem to be compatible with you, and that is good. But in 4 months, you are right to question where this relationship is going. If she wants to keep it light and fun, you know what you have to do. If she wants to go serious and focus all her intimate energy into you guys as a couple, then making plans and step process is a good way to start as well.

Just guard your heart. With her penchant of going from relationship to relationship, I sense plan B action. She craves the attention from dangerous types, but got burned real bad from being dumped as a sex object and abused as a wife....These things don't go away easily. You are the "safe" type that she lays her foundation upon. But she still will have her other needs as well. ie.."steve".

If she does keep texting, assume they are "seeing" each other, or other parties involved... No biggie, you have your validation and move towards FWB with no commitment. Don't be capt. save-a-ho, just enjoy your "friendship" and look towards making LTR material elsewhere.

[mani81]

Yall make good points and again thanks for the replies. Again, I will keep my guard up. Its a tricky situation. (For a risk taker; safe bet would be walk away)

[elaine567]

Troubled family upbringing, a seven year abusive relationship which she has only recently ended and her "best friend" is some guy who used her as a side chick and basically just "abused" her in a different way.

 

YOU are the knight in shining armour trying to save this fair damsel and you are now also putting yourself in competition with these "lesser men", you NEED to win and that I guess will be your downfall.

 

You say you work in mental health and I guess you have just bagged yourself a very interesting case study...

[mani81]

Troubled family upbringing, a seven year abusive relationship which she has only recently ended and her "best friend" is some guy who used her as a side chick and basically just "abused" her in a different way.

 

YOU are the knight in shining armour trying to save this fair damsel and you are now also putting yourself in competition with these "lesser men", you NEED to win and that I guess will be your downfall.

 

You say you work in mental health and I guess you have just bagged yourself a very interesting case study...

 

Lol nice! Very true

[DKT3]

Many of us here are not very good at relationships, but in the years I've been posting here there is something that most of us have become great at, that is seeing and finding red flags. You see, in hindsight, we all now recognize the things we ignored that resulted in us being here in the first place. This is what you are doing. This is a fresh relationship with a woman who has a ton of red flags. You are plowing right thru them and trying to make it work no matter what. You have almost no shot at having a successful go of it with her.

 

Elaine nailed it, the captain save'm aspect is very strong in this relationship. I think that is something you need to look into. I guessing it's been a pattern in your pervious relationships. You can't fix her, boundaries issues, deceptive actions and confirmed cheating are simply traits that can't be fixed when ignored.

[mani81]

Many of us here are not very good at relationships, but in the years I've been posting here there is something that most of us have become great at, that is seeing and finding red flags. You see, in hindsight, we all now recognize the things we ignored that resulted in us being here in the first place. This is what you are doing. This is a fresh relationship with a woman who has a ton of red flags. You are plowing right thru them and trying to make it work no matter what. You have almost no shot at having a successful go of it with her.

 

Elaine nailed it, the captain save'm aspect is very strong in this relationship. I think that is something you need to look into. I guessing it's been a pattern in your pervious relationships. You can't fix her, boundaries issues, deceptive actions and confirmed cheating are simply traits that can't be fixed when ignored.

 

Actually as of late my previous ltr were of girls that were the jealous ones (not that i ever strayed). But my last gf was so domineering that if i wasnt at her place every day when she got out of work she would make a fight over it. So granted, one of the things i like about the current one is shes the anrithesis of the prior girl. But i agree. The red flags currently dont bode well for long term success for us. I accept this reality

[Superchicken]

Hi Mani81,

By getting her to go NC, may make things worse for you.

In the end, she may really just be friends with her ex.

Everyone holds their own version of Moral standards, and what they think is proper conduct and interactions/actions within their relationships.

Me, I would state my case, but, not fully go Draconian on her by implementing "Lock" down and NC on her texting with her ex..

 

 

A more balanced, and hopefully, honest compromise would be to allow her the odd contact, but you be fully notified and allowed to read before she sends one out or receives one from him.

 

 

NC is an extreme condition put on one, and many either have a resentment that it shouldn't have ever been imposed, or just go underground, and then, may just go "South" if not kept in check.

 

 

You need to be the "Boron" Rod, and push yourself in so far, just enough to control the "Chain reaction" of this fusion process going on now.

Because in one direction, you fizzle out any further action with your gf. While in the other, it will explode in your face..

 

 

Sorry to add a bit of physics, but you need physics to work out women.

 

 

 

 

Ted.

[DKT3]

Hi Mani81,

By getting her to go NC, may make things worse for you.

In the end, she may really just be friends with her ex.

Everyone holds their own version of Moral standards, and what they think is proper conduct and interactions/actions within their relationships.

Me, I would state my case, but, not fully go Draconian on her by implementing "Lock" down and NC on her texting with her ex..

 

 

A more balanced, and hopefully, honest compromise would be to allow her the odd contact, but you be fully notified and allowed to read before she sends one out or receives one from him.

 

 

NC is an extreme condition put on one, and many either have a resentment that it shouldn't have ever been imposed, or just go underground, and then, may just go "South" if not kept in check.

 

 

You need to be the "Boron" Rod, and push yourself in so far, just enough to control the "Chain reaction" of this fusion process going on now.

Because in one direction, you fizzle out any further action with your gf. While in the other, it will explode in your face..

 

 

Sorry to add a bit of physics, but you need physics to work out women.

 

 

 

 

Ted.

I say is would be simpler with a woman that has fewer red flags. I think it's a mistake to "make" a relationship work so early on.

[Darren Steez]

The puckish side of me thinks it would be funny to write on Steve's fbook wall, " Hey man! Heard you and *my gfs name* were gonna grab lunch the other day but that it didnt work out! Maybe we can set something up to where we all hang out and you bring *steves wifes name*!! ☺" lol posting this would appear innocent but would throw steve under the bus with his wife. And no, im not immature enough to do this ?

 

Yeah you do that you might as well drive your GF over to his house because that screams needy and insecure.

 

Look man just take no bullsh*t, that's the best way to deal with this. When the red flags pop out deal with them. Be strong and radiate strength, she will respect that. You've drawn your line in the sand and said communication with this bloke is off the table. If you catch her crossing that line and make excuses for her then that will be on you.

[Try]

She met him online and even though he had a gf at the time my gf became his "side chick."

though they "remained closed" and she considered him one of her best friends.

Oh and btw, when they text she says its usually Steve complaining about his wife to her. Also Steves wife doesnt know of them texting or meeting. She apparantly knows of my gf and Steves past and hates my gf.

Now i trust my gf. And i believe her when she tells me she never hooked up with anyone since she married Bob. And says she was true to him until they ended thier thing. And i truly dont think she would cheat on me.

Reading what you said above in your first post on this thread, why on earth would you "trust" your girlfriend, and why would you say that you "truly don't think she would cheat on" you? The fact is that her past and present confirms that she cannot be trusted to respect normal relationship boundaries and she was fine with being the other woman. First, she was a willing secret "side chick" as she cheated with him while he was in a monogamous relationship with someone else. Later she keep a secret relationship with this same man behind her husband's back. And currently she is in an secret relationship with this same man behind his wife's back.

 

Secretly communicating with and seeing an opposite sex best friend, that was an affair partner/sex partner in the past, where complaining about that person's spouse is common, and where that person's wife specially hates you and does not want them communicating with you because of your cheating history with her husband, is classic emotional affair (EA) stuff where that person's spouse has every right to view you as and EA partner. Your girlfriend was and still is Steve's other woman. She will not change as she does not view sneaking around as wrong. Do not waste any more time with her as she is not good relationship material.

Edited December 23, 2017 by Try

[Try]

Thank you all for the replies. Valid points. A small update: i did talk with her again and said "i just want to make it clear we're on the same page with boundaries. Im not cool with you having any relationship with Steve given your history. What makes me comfortable is if you go NC with him. Would that be a problem?" And without hesitation she smiled and said it wouldn't be a problem and shes go NC with him. And she reitterated that she was happy i let her know what bothers me as i come first etc.. So it went well.

Your girlfriend saying "it wouldn't be a problem and shes go NC with him", is different than her actually going NC with him. I say this because your girlfriend knows that this is what Steve is currently saying to his wife, and yet she is still willing to sneak around with Steve, and because this is what your girlfriend was saying to her husband when she was sneaking around with Steve. That goes double for what Steve was saying to his then girlfriend when your girlfriend was sneaking around with Steve as his FWB side chick. Your girl friend's entire many year relationship with Steve is build on a foundation of lies and sneaking around with him. If they both are willing to lie to their spouses for many years to protect their relationship, why would you as just a boy friend of a few months expect to be treated better? Edited December 23, 2017 by Try

[moebius]

I think it'd be good to emphasize something: an respectful adult wouldn't have a relationship at his/her official partner's back. Also, he/she wouldn't wait until his/her partners raises a concern about having a relationship with an ex friend with benefits. And third but not less: if a girl respects you she will never mention her exes' sexual performances. Specially she'll never say a certain ex was good in bed. And the fact that the one she said was good in bed is this guy she's still in contact with makes everything worst.