Past interaction with employer affecting my marriage today. Help!

[NYDame]

OP, I know that they're not 100% accurate but do you think that volunteering for a polygraph would help ease your H's mind on both the original suspicion and on anything since?

 

I've never thought of doing a polygraph. I didn't even know I could get one done for something like this. Is this an actual thing people do and what is the success rate?

 

I can look into it, but not sure if this will ease his mind.

[BluesPower]

There is no equivalence...but he does not know that, even though he told you.

 

 

He does not believe you. He did not believe you then, and he does not believe you now.

 

 

He believes that you were sleeping with your boss but you came back to him when he found out. For 9 years he has thought that you cheated.

 

 

He buried it until you took the other job...

 

 

HE STILL BELIEVES YOU SLEPT WITH YOUR BOSS AND YOU CANNOT PROVE OTHERWISE.

[d0nnivain]

I worked with several men and there was a lot of "locker room" talk in that office. They didn't care that I was around. I didn't demand respect for myself because I didn't want to seem uptight I guess. These men I worked with were all familly or friends of family. I should've quit that job or demanded more respect. Maybe he felt like he could flirt and it would be okay? I don't know.

 

 

NYDame -- this is not limited to you but it's indicative of what has been culturally wrong in a lot of work places for a long time. Locker room talk is find in a locker room, not the middle of the office.

 

 

I joke that my first job was a frat house where the brothers all had advanced degrees. They made a lot of bad / inappropriate comments. Once they actually taped a bunch of dead bugs to my blotter. It wasn't all sex or discrimination but it was a lot of foolishness. Sometimes I would play along but the minute I said stop they all immediately shut up. Not one of them would have ever dreamed of sending me the picture your boss sent you.

 

 

The definition of hostile work environment includes unwelcome conduct. Until more women learn to speak up & say "enough" certain men will never stop crossing the lines.

[elaine567]

Elaine567: thank you for your insight. What do you mean that we did not have a full blown reconciliation?

 

What I meant was that many people here when trust issues surface, go to therapy individually and together and work it all out.

Your husband was obviously a lot more damaged by this than he appeared to be, so no doubt he could have benefited from someone to talk to at the time instead of bottling it all up.

[BarbedFenceRider]

He doesn't believe you....Because you lied and covered it up. Once the genie is out of the bottle, it is very rarely put back in. Always being on the defensive and having a catch answer to all of his insecurities doesn't help. You are building walls, not windows into each others souls.

I also find it interesting that when the "need" to get some extra work arrives...You run right back into the OM. And then you are surprised that the DH is triggered....

You do acknowledge that the original transgression took place 9 years earlier, and your tired of dealing with it. I bet DH is too. Work with counselling to deal with the negative cycles and mental walls. Or else, maybe you need to be that free spirit and a single mom. He already asked for a divorce right?

[NYDame]

OneLov and BluesPower: Yes I see how I am minimizing the situation. I used the term "sexy photo" because that is verbatim what my boss said in the text but I do see how I'm trying to make it as if it was no big deal. I'm failing to see this through my husbands perspective and I know that now. I really do appreciate your responses as I need another persons view on this.

[elaine567]

YOU were too young at the time to deal with this guy/family friend sexually harassing you.

YOU were in a catch 22 situation.

Tell your bf and he would get the wrong idea, so you chose to cover it up and when he found out, he got the wrong idea anyway.

 

This is the damage such sex pests do, whilst you and your husband are in turmoil and hell, he has got off basically scot-free...

Even you forgave him for that inappropriate indiscretion, as that is what decent people tend to do, to keep the peace and not to cause a fuss.

It is why such guys get off with bad behaviour time and time again...

[usa1ah]

NYDame,

 

People can trigger years later. I know someone that trigger 20 years later after she cheated when she basically accused him of a inappropriate relationship. It blasted his trust in her again.

 

Triggers do this, it makes it feel like everything happened yesterday. You getting back in touch with your old boss was enough to bring back all of those thoughts and feelings he had back then.

 

Sorry it is just the way it is.

[road]

If what you said is true, this was all a bad joke, if your behavior has otherwise been above board for 9 years, I do not understand that your husband suddenly got all bent out of shape 6 months ago.

 

 

 

 

Because as Elaine points out below the reason why.

 

 

 

No, I think it is entirely plausible as he never actually got over that incident.

It was rug swept and he never really got the definitive answer he needed.

They didn't do the whole full blown reconciliation thing as to her it was not cheating, it was a stupid d*ck pic, and the husband had no real proof of anything, but no doubt his mind went into overdrive.

I guess he believed she cheated with the boss and he decided to stay married anyway for I guess the new born.

Fast forward and the boss makes a reappearance and the husband is triggered big time. All that buried resentment, upset, panic and fear has resurfaced and now he is bashing, accusing and making the OP miserable to make himself feel better.

 

 

 

Rug sweeping never allows recovery. Then combine that with

breaking NC with the old boss/OM and you have inflamed your

husband's paranoia like putting a match to gasoline.

 

Did you run it by your husband before you asked the OM for a

job?

[road]

I don't understand how you're saying I might as well of had an affair with my boss? He sent me a dick pic. How is this equivalent to having a full blown affair with another man? I never had feelings for my boss in the slightest way. It was simply an inappropriate incident at work, that YES, I am to blame for because I didn't shut it down. My husband knows that I'm ashamed for what I did. I never said this was not my fault.

 

Your BH has no proof that everything stopped with just the dick

picture.

 

I wish I had a dollar for every WW that claimed it was only the

OM that sent a picture I never did. Only for the BH to find a video

of the OM and the WW going at it in bed.

 

Standard WW play to admit to only what the BH can prove. In

your case the OM picture. The number of posts that I read where

the WW told the BH they only just kissed are in the thousands.

Then the BH finds out the full truth.

 

Do I believe you? I can't prove your not lying is as far as I can go.

And this is where your BH is.

 

Hilary destroyed her computers, but we are suppose to believe Secretary

of State Clinton did not lie.

[NYDame]

BarbedFenceRider: The reason I contacted my old boss about a job is because I knew he had a cash business where I would get paid quickly and it was something I could do from home while taking care of my daughter. It was such an easy solution to our financial problems. Either way it was dumb of me to think it was ok given the history. I've been insensitive.

[Jdoublenn]

BarbedFenceRider: The reason I contacted my old boss about a job is because I knew he had a cash business where I would get paid quickly and it was something I could do from home while taking care of my daughter. It was such an easy solution to our financial problems. Either way it was dumb of me to think it was ok given the history. I've been insensitive.

I mean, we've all been there so it make sense. Sometimes when theres an easy solution to our problems, its easier to be selfish and just go for what we need rather than looking at the whole picture and how it would affect those we love.

[Cullenbohannon]

I have never cheated (neither emotionally or sexually) on my husband or anyone I've ever dated. The story about my boss, is 100% true the way I am telling it.

 

Then put your money where your mouth is. Eliminate the impossible by offering the poly. Go to your husband today and tell him you will take the poly to prove you have NEVER cheated on him (emotionally or physically). This may not solve all your problems, but it may eliminate the elephant in the room. You should have nothing to fear.

 

Will you make the offer?

[Superchicken]

Hi NYDame..

As you can see, from the many posters, they also have the same thoughts as your husband, as to where our minds wondered with your "Incident".

 

 

Same rings true for me as well.

 

 

One thing, as Blues said so well, "Something doesn't ring true"..

 

 

NO ONE just sends a D_ck pic to a female work partner, OR friend, unless there was some pics or texts leading up to it..

 

 

I would NEVER just send a pic of my junk to ANY of my female work mates or friends.

So, there must be a little more here you not telling.

 

 

Your husband is intelligent, and can also come to the same conclusions, as me, and others have on here.

 

 

Yeah, your in a "Pickle", for sure..

Maybe your only option, is to let him call the shots for a short while, until he feels a little more secure again..

Then, things may go back to a semi normal state.

 

 

Ted.

[Just a Guy]

Hi NYDame, have you two considered IC for yourselves followed by MC? IC for both of you should help to clear the cobwebs in both your minds. The other thing I would suggest is to sit your husband down unencumbered with your child and have a heart to heart talk with him about what he wants from you and what he would like you to do to prove your innocence and also your transparency about everything that concerns the two of you. Remember you will have to go through a baptism by fire to satisfy him and relieve his misgivings.

 

On another note, if you think he is being paranoid and that whatever you do is not going to satisfy his suspicions about you, then offer him an uncontested divorce and tell him that although you will be heartbroken by this,, you do not want to keep him a prisoner in an unhappy marriage( from his point of view) because you love him and would rather see him happy with someone else than miserable with you. If he is someone who has a problem trusting people in general and not you alone then, as the saying in the colloquial goes where I live, 'A dog's tail is curled and whatever you do to straighten it, it will curl up again the moment you free it'! The same principle applies here and you may never succeed in convincing him of your innocence. However , before you reach that conclusion you have to put your best foot forward with the option I first suggested. Warm wishes.

Edited December 17, 2017 by Just a Guy

[S2B]

OneLov and BluesPower: Yes I see how I am minimizing the situation. I used the term "sexy photo" because that is verbatim what my boss said in the text but I do see how I'm trying to make it as if it was no big deal. I'm failing to see this through my husbands perspective and I know that now. I really do appreciate your responses as I need another persons view on this.

 

A boss doesn't just out of the blue ask to send a

photo like that. It screams that you two were too familiar with each other in a personal way.

 

Before that happened - had you ever kissed or touched your boss in any way??

 

 

A photo like that is sexual harassment and SO inappropriate. You did nothing to press charges - that's why your husband thinks you were involved in some way []

Edited December 17, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[William]

Noting a trend to ignoring statements of the thread starter and interrogating them, here's a definitive statement and request.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/rom...lp#post7487052

 

I never had a long term sexual/romantic affair with my boss, but I know this is what my husband is suspecting. I do understand my husband for being suspicious but this was 9 years ago. Why didn't we have all these fights about it then? Why is he depressed about this 9 years later?

Call/isinuate the thread starter (is) a liar or attempt to twist their statements into affair accusations at your own peril. Help them with their marriage today or find another thread to participate in. That's the directive. Thanks!

[elaine567]

It screams that you two were too familiar with each other in a personal way.

 

In her very first post she says the boss was a friend of her family and that her contact with him was not only through work.

 

A photo like that is sexual harassment and SO inappropriate. []

 

Exactly, and is the OP the only woman in the world to attempt to bury sexual harassment when it involves bosses and "family friends"?

Um...no.

[Jdoublenn]

 

NO ONE just sends a D_ck pic to a female work partner, OR friend, unless there was some pics or texts leading up to it..

 

 

.

Actually this is untrue. I’ve, sadly, had several unsolicited “pics” come with NO previous or leading-up-to texts. (And no, these guys were not all met on Tinder lmao.)

[Cullenbohannon]

The dick pick was not a "unsolicited" text.

" You first" is not the same as "WTF do you mean by that text?"

The responsibility for this mess resides with both parties. The OP realises her error and needs to focus on recovery, not finger pointing.

Edited December 18, 2017 by Cullenbohannon

[S2B]

In her very first post she says the boss was a friend of her family and that her contact with him was not only through work.

 

 

 

Exactly, and is the OP the only woman in the world to attempt to bury sexual harassment when it involves bosses and "family friends"?

Um...no.

 

What would knowing him an extended period and his family have to do with being THAT familiar with someone? You and I both know it's mainly likely someone would send nudie pics is when they've crossed a line in the past. And that is why it bothers her husband.

 

I asked has she ever touched or kissed this particular man. I'd like the answer to that basic question.

 

 

 

And just because other women bury sexual harassment doesn't mean this one should. If it was harassment she should file charges.

[BarbedFenceRider]

1. "Boss" offers to pay quick cash. Sooo, not an above board behavior yet again....I offer that if your willing to cheat on taxes, then.....

 

2. Your view of infidelity vs. your husbands is different. Instead of dealing with the past issue, you guys rug swept it and moved on. This metastasized into the said gorilla in the room.

 

3. I offer what William said, that the focus should be on helping OP. But when simple terms and lack of clarity for some of the other posters, it makes it difficult.

 

4. MC should be able to quantify the BH role in this relationship. Whether or not he receives validation from it is unknown. Time and action will be the only proof. Pictures are worth a thousand words. Action is immutable.

 

As is, if it were me on the receiving end of things. My view is OP is not a safe partner, and knowing this BEFORE marriage would have changed my view on progressing this relationship farther....

[lucy_in_disguise]

What a sad situation. The OP was barely or of her teens when her boss, a family friend no less, sent her that extremely inappropriate text message and dick pic. I think her reaction was very typical of a young woman seeking to keep her job - dont Rock the boat and pretend it's a joke, pretend it's no big deal and you are cool enough to take it all in stride. It's the same scenario that we've seen coming out in the news recently.

 

I'm saddened that rather than acknowledging that she was a victim of this creep- we on LS are telling OP all this is all her fault. Never mind that her boss is a creep and likely violated a bunch of employer rules by hitting on his subordinate. Never mind that the way she handled he situation is exactly how most women respond to sexual harassment in the workplace- by recognizing we need to maintain relationships with our harrassers, and playing down the inappropriate behaivior, to keep the piece. And We are telling her it's her fault for encouraging this, that she should have quit her job sooner. With this mindset it's no wonder sexual harassment is so rampant in the work place.

 

I don't know what the solution is with your husband, but if he can't empathize with your predicament 9 years ago, and is choosing to continue to punish you for this- the issue is with him, not you. You can't make him believe you or trust you. Trust is a leap of faith- and if he doesn't have it, and doesn't think he can find it, I'd say you're both better off separeted. There's not much more you can do to reassure him, and I don't think you need to continue letting him punish you for this.

[NYDame]

 

 

NO ONE just sends a D_ck pic to a female work partner, OR friend, unless there was some pics or texts leading up to it..

 

 

I would NEVER just send a pic of my junk to ANY of my female work mates or friends.

So, there must be a little more here you not telling.

 

 

Your husband is intelligent, and can also come to the same conclusions, as me, and others have on here.

 

 

Yeah, your in a "Pickle", for sure..

Maybe your only option, is to let him call the shots for a short while, until he feels a little more secure again..

Then, things may go back to a semi normal state.

 

 

Ted.

 

Hey thanks for the reply. I know why my husband doesn't fully trust me. I lied to him in the past. I just had no idea that this incident would break him as bad as it's breaking him. He just seems so depressed lately and paranoid. I'm beginning to believe he is experiencing some type of PTSD since I was an absolute idiot and thought it would be okay to get a PT job with my old boss. I know I was being naive and in the wrong here.

 

My old boss was a flirt, yes. I let him get away with it. I always ignored him (even though some of you might suspect otherwise and that's understandable as well) He would say little comments here and there and I just ignored it and changed the topic all the time. I don't know what compelled me to "flirt" with him that day through text and lead him to send me a dick pic. I knew I never had feelings for him, but I'm sure the fact that he was a young guy somehow made his flirting less creepy to me.

 

Thank you for the advise. I want my husband to be happy again and will do anything.

[NYDame]

Hi NYDame, have you two considered IC for yourselves followed by MC? IC for both of you should help to clear the cobwebs in both your minds. The other thing I would suggest is to sit your husband down unencumbered with your child and have a heart to heart talk with him about what he wants from you and what he would like you to do to prove your innocence and also your transparency about everything that concerns the two of you. Remember you will have to go through a baptism by fire to satisfy him and relieve his misgivings.

 

Hey there, Thank you for the great advice. Yes we have started marriage counseling but not individual counseling. I did suggest that he do IC and he will go through with it even though he thinks he doesn't need it. I will also make an appointment soon for myself.

 

We really love each other and want to make things work. I just always saw my mistake as something so small and had no idea how bad it was for him. I understand it's because he needed some kind of proof and I destroyed that proof. I wish there was some way of retrieving old text messages but I think it can only be requested by subpoena if there's a lawsuit. Someone suggested a polygraph test, but I don't know about the accuracy of those. We can look into it.