Can a player to one woman be Mr Perfect to another?

[Steve Mason]

I guess it's still hard for me to understand how someone can act super into a woman and then lose all interest once they sleep together. The only logical explanation is that there was some deceit involved in the first place.

 

Yup, most commonly it’s self-deceit. So either he was super into the woman before knowing her (I.e. into his own thoughts he was projecting onto her) or he was trying to be into someone that wasn’t really his type. The least likely option was that he was some sort of sociopath with no empathy who enjoys using people for his own selfish interests. Only because sociopaths are actually rather rare...

 

Regardless, the way for both the men and women to avoid this is to give the dating process the time it deserves before being “into” someone.

[basil67]

A man, or a woman for that matter, can legitimately lose interest in someone that they initially saw potential for a future, and had sex with. It happens all the time and doesn't mean that anyone got "played." I don't think it's rare for a person who's done that during their single and dating years to end up with the right match and settled down.

 

If they're lying and cheating of course that's a different story and speaks to the character of the person. Yes people can and do change but it is a bad idea to bank on it.

 

I couldn't agree more.

 

Lying to a person is one thing. But being exclusive because you thought there was real potential and then finding out that it's just not going to work doesn't mean a person is a player. It just means they aren't going to waste anyone's time.

 

I think one of the issues is that some seem to think that being exclusive means some type of commitment. To me, they are two different discussions. I'd go exclusive quickly, but not commit until we were past the honeymoon stage.

[BluEyeL]

I think it's hard to generalize. First, to be able to answer, I will have to make the assumption that a guy is really a "player". And what I understand by the word "player" is someone who actually fully intends from the beginning to just mislead women, misrepresent his interest in a relationship and in her in particular and on purpose, bail after sex.

 

If this subset is what you're refering to, no, i really don't think such a man will change and become a monogamous, honest and upstanding partner. It is a character flaw. He could settle down when he decides it's in his interest to do so, but I would not guarantee he'll stay faithful. This type of people do whatever they think it's best for them and don't care about others' feelings. He'll stay a liar and he'll think that's perfectly fine.

 

Sadly though, I don't believe these types of people are as rare as others have suggested. I used to believe people are mostly good, but now I think a large percentage of them are actually pretty bad people.

 

If in fact, it's just your perception that he's a player, but he is really not, then yes, he'll settle down and love someone and the works. It could be indeed that someone thinks he's into a new dating prospect. It could be that a man has limited information about the dating prospect, he starts out truly excited, he doesn't quite think straight initially due to a combination of physical attraction and lack of information about the real person in front of him, and after sex he starts thinking straight. He cools down now that his "goal" was reached (not a conscious goal) and he realizes that he'd not be compatible with her and loses interests. That could be the case. This type will be fine for a relationship.

 

I think if a woman wants to avoid that, she should observe carefully a man, listen to everything he says, not just the lovey dovey things and figure out if he's a honest person or not. People tell us who they are in conversation about other things. His relationship history can tell a story, the way he sees life can tell you who he likely is. But women often don't pay attention. Delaying sex can give you more time to make all of these observations and know the person better, if your goal is not to fall prey to the Type I above.

 

Delaying sex is always good, with the caveat that if you delay too long, you may end up with a low drive spouse/partner, which would not be good.

[2.50 a gallon]

Chilli

We have now been together for over 22 years.

[2.50 a gallon]

Who says a guy with multiple sex partners has to lie to women?

". . . what's being handed to him on a silver platter with little or no effort . . ."

Yes I have shared my bed with hundreds of women, but that was over a 25 year period. But it was not "with little or no effort".

I worked at it, meaning I spent the time to learn the ways of women. I learned how to talk to them as if they were any other person. I learned how to listen, if you listen a woman will tell you how to seduce her. I also learned the most women liked and wanted to have sex as much as most men, and many more so. So I learned what buttons to push.

But mostly, for me life was fun, and if you hung out with me, we were going to have fun.

I came prepared, there was almost always two bottles of cheap champagne in the door of my fridge. Along with a couple of flavors of chilled wine, in the 70's it was Boones Farm and Cold Duck.

I learned to dance, then practiced to get even better, rock, country western and disco. If you get an erection dance even closer.

I learned to cook, just making and decorating Christmas cookies, added at least 2 dozen to my list. I went out of my way to decorate for the holidays. I can also cook several gourmet dishes, and don't forget the wine.

I had a full bar set up, along with a blender to whip up quarts of daiquiris, margaritas, etc.

I was also a photographer, could shoot anything from nudes, to still life. I shot many nudes, they would bring the film, I would put it in my camera, then give them the film to have it developed. So I was trusted.

Women talk, and I can't tell you the number of women who went out of their way to find a way to meet me. Some of them as bold as to knock on my door and ask if I would like to photograph them.

I would take them with me to shot nature photos. I was a good fisherman, have not been skunked in over 3 decades. Many a woman had never caught a fish, so I taught them. Don't forget the river is a romantic place. I would take them to see the pools of pollywogs, the flowers, etc.

I took them to races, the circus, flying kites, to plays, have you ever checked out the plays put on at the local high school, cheap and fun.

That is only the tip of the iceberg.

Edited December 1, 2017 by 2.50 a gallon

[carhill]

I think it's healthier to be wild and 'play' when young and then grow up and settle down into healthy interpersonal relationships. Doing it the other way, meaning being serious and respectful and not 'playing' sure didn't work out for me. Back then it wasn't a formula, rather who I was balls to bones. Now, meh, whatever. People aren't that important anymore. Too many decades on the battlefield with a lousy war plan

 

The guys who were successful with women, meaning they could easily move from one girlfriend or spouse to another, when I was young were the charmers and players. They were, probably still are, the social professionals. With billions of women on the planet, what did they care if they left some casualties on the side of the road? It was the journey they enjoyed, and yup they'd tell you all about it. Hey, more power to them. Same for the ladies who did the same thing, many of whom I encountered in life. Hope they die with a smile on their face with the partner they decided to 'grow up' with at their side. Good ride.

[JellyTot]

Sometimes a guy reaches an age where he's ready to settle down, and whichever woman he meets at that point is the one he commits to. Other times a guy plays the field until he meets a woman who bowls him over enough to commit to her. If he doesn't commit to you then it's either the wrong time or you're the wrong woman. I do believe that these guys are genuinely capable of commitment once they've settled down though.

[road]

Some men will always be players. Marriage will not stop them.

 

Some players will out grow playing and say I'm getting older

time to pick a good woman and get married.

 

So it is not the woman that causes a player to stop.

 

Rather it is his decision to make. So when he decides to stop

and stick to one woman it is coincidence of who the woman is.

It's just the first good woman that meets his new criteria and he

chooses her. Luck of the draw.