Finding Peace in a War Zone?

[frigginlost]

Here is what she would say to that, because she has said a version to my face.

 

I was NOT sorry I cheated, because I was able to hold the lie for so long and allow a relationship to form on top of it. Ultimately (her words) I only told her because I found out what she did.

 

Sadly, this statement is one that rings a very loud bell with me. I had an ex that carried the cheating for close to 2 years. When I was told/found out, it was not only the act of cheating, it was her ability to function holding that massive break of trust within her that was very, very, hard to deal with. Does your ex's statement of you only telling her because you found out what she did hold any water with you? Be honest, there will be no judging from me.

 

To which she would add (has added): that she was so consumed with guilt that it was impossible for her to engage in the relationship—in other words, that her guilt was more real and more profound than mine. My take on that is (a) people just process guilt differently; (b) that's kind of selfish; and © maybe your guilt isn't solely connecting to what you did but the fact that you just aren't into this anymore and don't know how to own that.

 

While I do understand what she is saying, the bottom line is that she is deflecting her actions. She's using your breach of trust as a catalyst to deflect her breach.

 

 

Which, more than anything, is where my trepidation lays regarding any future engagement of any sort.

 

 

Understandable. Unfortunately the only thing that can clear the deflection fog within her is time. She has to process it. It will either clear with her, or she will carry it for life. She's only 26 so my guess would be eventually it's going to clear.

 

 

She is adamant about the fact that, prior to my finding out through the grapevine, she was "about" to confess.

 

 

That's another deflection, and I don't buy it for a second.

 

 

This of course brings me no comfort—the idea of an action and an actual action are two different things—and of course it scares me that she can take comfort in that "about to" as some kind of high ground. My take is: neither of us have any high ground—can we accept that, exist on that plane together, and build and grow?

 

Crazy, crazy, I know.

 

Honestly? Yes, nothing is impossible. But, the only thing that can clear the fog you both are swimming in is time. Which ironically is the hardest thing as you can't control it.

 

With me and my ex girlfriend it has been just about 2 and a half years since d-day. She went on to forge another relationship and I have heard through the grapevine that it ended a few months ago. Guess whose phone received a text about 2 weeks ago? Yup. Mine. In those 2 and a half years I have learned a ton about myself and have even come to terms with the fact that I had my own issues in the relationship that helped in her decision to cheat with an ex. I don't agree with her going to that extreme in any way shape or form, but I understand it.

 

If I were you, I would "be there" but I would go about living your life. There is nothing that says she wont be the woman you spend the rest of your life with, but more than likely the only way that will happen is getting to know each other again... after the fog has lifted.

[Space Ritual]

Here is what she would say to that, because she has said a version to my face.

 

I was NOT sorry I cheated, because I was able to hold the lie for so long and allow a relationship to form on top of it. Ultimately (her words) I only told her because I found out what she did.

 

 

Cheaterspeak for: "I will NEVER be sorry for what I did because it was I wanted to do. I'll do it again if given the opportunity."

 

Then you have nothing to work with, and no point in continuing the exercise.

 

Generally people do not change unless they are faced with negative literal consequences.

 

Thus far she really hasn't, nor will she. This one is NOT relationship material in any scope of the imagination.

 

If you are into playing Relationship Policeman and always wondering if your GF is lying to you or not, then continue at your own peril. If you want a fresh start romantically, I am afraid it will have to be with somebody else.

 

I do not say in order to hurt your feelings. I say that because by how you describe her reaction, I would believe that she showed you who she was, and to believe her and release her to her destiny of being some other guy's problem.

 

She is a Lather Rinse Repeater.....she won't change unless her world comes crashing down around her. It won't as long as you give her a pass.

 

Since you yourself have been in the position of perpetrator, I have to give you credit for reaching out. Now you have experienced being paid back in your own coin. That pain is pretty indescribable isn't it? For me, the pain I felt at being betrayed was second only to losing my father unexpectedly.

 

You can get rid of the pain if you take your own journey to healing. I don't think you can take her along for the ride if you want the journey to wind up at a good destination.

 

Leave her holding her own luggage at the Train station when you pull out of town. Just wave at her out the window like a kid going off to war.

 

Sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear, but I am afraid it is what you need to hear. I don't do want to hear. I do need to hear.

Get rid of her today and push the reset button on your life. She is a lost cause.

 

Good Luck.

Edited November 28, 2017 by Space Ritual

[bluecastle]

Thanks for listening.

 

In terms of whether my ex's statement holds water—sure. For a good year I never considered telling her I'd slept with my ex. My deeply selfish take was: We were (to me) barely a "thing" when it happened. I wasn't calling her my girlfriend at the time, and I was straight about this. This is not an excuse—what I did is make a pathetic choice, plain and simple—but it was my reasoning and that reasoning allowed me to “function.” As things became more serious, I began considering it, but, then again, things were good and getting better, so that became another rationale: it was long ago, a different era, water under the bridge. Once that water turned into a sudden storm surge years later, and I began understanding the depth of her resentment, and that a relationship is ultimately only one era, no matter what story I was telling myself for comfort, I really started thinking I needed to man up and own my actions. For the better part of the past year, the should I/shouldn’t I conversation has been a constant with my best friend.

 

But of course, at the end of the day, I told her when I did. Because it was only once I was on the other side that I’d fully come to understand the way dishonesty permeates and corrodes—a long overdue lesson, earned in a fire, that I’m listening to hard these days and will be listening to forever in the name of stumbling a bit closer to being more decent.

 

I could have kept it to myself and lorded her actions over her. I could have made her beg and plead. But could I really look myself in the mirror if I took that route? No. I wanted the pain I’d caused her to be fully acknowledged and validated, so she could step out from behind her own guilt/deflection wall and acknowledge and validate the pain she’d caused me. It was the only way anything real could happen for us in the future—be that renewed romance, a friendship down the line, or just clarity and acceptance of where we'd been together as we move forward as individuals.

 

And, to some degree, we’ve been able to experience pieces of all that this past week or so. A touch of honesty and humanity in a very toxic setting, yes. But it’s something.

 

As you said, the way she deflects her actions is one of my real sore points/red flags at the moment. It is not constant, but it creeps in. Is it a deep character thing, or a maturity thing that will evolve? I don’t know.

 

Time, as you said. Time, as I tell myself daily.

 

But how much time? How to spend that time? How to “be there” while also making sure that being there doesn’t reinforce the very dynamic I’m hoping to shatter? Live my life first—I get that, I’m doing that. That is pretty easy for me. I have a consuming creative career, I have money, I’m committed to therapy and yoga and a host of hobbies I’m passionate about, I have deep friendships I’ve cultivated for decades—and I’m leaning into all that, hard, knowing there is strength in there and, eventually, maybe, more shades of clarity to locate all on my own.

 

But when you say “be there” what does that look like?

 

And I’m sorry to hear about all that happened with you and your ex—and that, in ways, it’s resurfaced now that she’s out of the last thing. I can’t imagine the heartache all that caused, but it’s clearly given you a lot of wisdom that I’m grateful you’re willing to share with me and others on here.