Do you offer what qualities you expect in a partner?

[barbossa]

Currently 2 members of my social circle. both in early 30's 1 male and 1 female are both single and actively looking. Both are highly educated and make good incomes.

 

IMO both have ridiculous expectations of desired traits for their prospective partners. At the same time they themselves cannot offer the same traits they desire in partners

 

For example the girl has 2 Graduate degrees, makes $100k considers herself attractive and sexy.

 

Qualities she wants; 1) Over 6 feet

2) income is over $150k+

3) Good looking

4) White caucasian only

5) Physically fit

6) funny

7) personable

8) Age 30+

9) no kids from past relationships

 

Meanwhile, she is not fit, nor is she personable and is in fact very high maintenance and difficult to deal with even as a friend. But She won't settle.

 

She refuses to settle or compromise because she is confident "You have to be confident"

 

~~~

 

the dude wants

 

1) wants a girl who is at least an 8 or 9 physically

2) has at least a bachelors

3) makes her own money 50k+

4) Pushes him to be better

5) Prioritizes fitness and has a sexy body

6) Accepts that he lives with his parents ( but she should have her own place)

7) Is Asian only

 

Again, Expecting what he himself does not/cannot offer. while he is decent looking I can objectively say he is nowhere close to a 7/10 physically let alone 8 or 9. He himself considers himself an 8. He also refuses to settle

 

 

Inflated egos and self perception is a rampant problem

 

I asked Loveshack peeps how dateable/desirable they believed they were as a package and all I really saw were grossly inflated egos from people who clearly thought they were much better than they are.

10 being the highest possible number

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/556158-scale-1-10-how-dateable-you

 

If my friends were the hot isshhh physically and otherwise that they believe they are, they wouldn't be single AF into their 30's, and they wouldn't struggle to get dates.

 

IMO. It is about being self aware and realistic and not about having a lack of self confidence

 

Personally I just know I could be better, in better shape, have better looks,

be more successful

My Question to you

 

from the your list of desired qualities that you want in a partner how many of those traits to you yourself offer in return?

[No_Go]

100% or very close. I never ask for something I can’t offer (eh maybe except height but I’d ask for something comparable to the bracket where i am as a female - ie if I’m taller than 75% females is want a guy taller than 75% of males).

 

My worst nightmare is partner who is significantly better than me on characteristics that I care about. We’d be in constant competition then.

 

Currently 2 members of my social circle. both in early 30's 1 male and 1 female are both single and actively looking. Both are highly educated and make good incomes.

 

IMO both have ridiculous expectations of desired traits for their prospective partners. At the same time they themselves cannot offer the same traits they desire in partners

 

For example the girl has 2 Graduate degrees, makes $100k considers herself attractive and sexy.

 

Qualities she wants; 1) Over 6 feet

2) income is over $150k+

3) Good looking

4) White caucasian only

5) Physically fit

6) funny

7) personable

8) Age 30+

9) no kids from past relationships

 

Meanwhile, she is not fit, nor is she personable and is in fact very high maintenance and difficult to deal with even as a friend. But She won't settle.

 

She refuses to settle or compromise because she is confident "You have to be confident"

 

~~~

 

the dude wants

 

1) wants a girl who is at least an 8 or 9 physically

2) has at least a bachelors

3) makes her own money 50k+

4) Pushes him to be better

5) Prioritizes fitness and has a sexy body

6) Accepts that he lives with his parents ( but she should have her own place)

7) Is Asian only

 

Again, Expecting what he himself does not/cannot offer. while he is decent looking I can objectively say he is nowhere close to a 7/10 physically let alone 8 or 9. He himself considers himself an 8. He also refuses to settle

 

 

Inflated egos and self perception is a rampant problem

 

I asked Loveshack peeps how dateable/desirable they believed they were as a package and all I really saw were grossly inflated egos from people who clearly thought they were much better than they are.

10 being the highest possible number

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/556158-scale-1-10-how-dateable-you

 

If my friends were the hot isshhh physically and otherwise that they believe they are, they wouldn't be single AF into their 30's, and they wouldn't struggle to get dates.

 

IMO. It is about being self aware and realistic and not about having a lack of self confidence

 

Personally I just know I could be better, in better shape, have better looks,

be more successful

My Question to you

 

from the your list of desired qualities that you want in a partner how many of those traits to you yourself offer in return?

[2much4]

Regarding your friends: you might be surprised what they consider "not settling". Some of my friends are totally smitten with some awful dudes (they consider being the whole package) and I cannot begin to comprehend why.

 

Answering your question: No.

I want my partner to have qualities which complement mine. I like very calm men because I am talkative and emotional. I like tall men, even though I'm not. I don't think I have to be calm or tall, even if that is my preference.

[rushed]

I always thought if I could find the male version of myself I'd be in heaven.

 

Same income level as me. Cool.

Same level of attractiveness as me. Yes, please.

Same personality - independent, kind, funny, and laid-back. Cool.

 

My boyfriend meets most of the above. He's just not as funny or laid-back as me. If we flip it, though, no way would I even come close to his level of income or education.

[Andy_K]

100%, and more besides. Because it's very likely whoever I meet won't prioritise exactly the same things in a partner as I do, so if I'm not offering far more than I'm looking for I can hardly expect we will both match each other's requirements

[sdraw108]

I think rather than focusing on whether or not your friends are offering the exact same qualities that they want, you should be looking at how ridiculous the whole thing is in the first place. People who set such detailed and strict lists of criteria are just bound to be disappointed, particularly when those criteria are superficial statistics and not the things that actually matter.

 

Personally, at my stage in life (mid 30s, same as your friends), I'm looking for someone will will be a good life partner. To me that means shared values and vision for the future, and the motivation to work for that vision. I'd be equally happy with someone on 1/4 of my income as 4x my income, as long as we share the same attitudes towards future goals.

 

When the right person comes along, you know it once you've gotten to know them. You don't know it in advance because you've inspected their job contract, measured their height, and rated their looks on a scale of 1 to 10. In fact this whole "out of 10" scale system is completely ridiculous. Looks are subjective, not objective. I tend to think of anyone who talks about looks in terms of numbers as being a little simple minded (no offense).

Edited November 28, 2017 by sdraw108

[GunslingerRoland]

I've probably said it more than a hundred times on here, but checklist dating is a waste of time.

 

Yes we all have priorities in what we want in a relationship, and those aren't unimportant but putting a bunch of arbitrary even numbers like $150K & 6 feet tall, and eliminating 99.5% of the dating population based on it, is not going to get anyone closer to finding someone that actually makes their life better.

[carhill]

My Question to you

 

from the your list of desired qualities that you want in a partner how many of those traits to you yourself offer in return?

Noticed I missed commenting in your old thread. Interesting read. Want that bumped up for new consideration? You should be able to do that or just ask and we'll take care of it.

 

As far as the current question, I really don't, at this stage of life, have any spreadsheets for human relationships. I no longer view them as transactional. I get that others may but I don't anymore. Either it feels healthy or it doesn't.

 

As an example, where I live now for my retirement I became acquainted with a lady and actually considered asking her out on a date, something I haven't done since getting divorced seven or so years ago. However, one day she stopped by while I was working outside and we were talking out on the road (she was in her car) and her son came out and they got into a verbal fight out there on the street and she actually ran over his foot when apparently she'd had her fill and peeled out. So, she was gone, he looked at me and I nodded knowingly and asked him if he needed any first aid. He declined and limped back home. I made my dating decision there. It didn't feel healthy. I need a partner who doesn't run over my feet with her car.

[Larryville]

Meanwhile, she is not fit, nor is she personable and is in fact very high maintenance and difficult to deal with even as a friend. But She won't settle.

 

Exactly why OLD sites make so much money. The crazy illusion of having so many choices that many think one will just fall out of the trees right in front of us.

 

The fear of being alone can skew our priorities, and so many eventually cave in.

 

Hence..

 

“Some of my friends are totally smitten with some awful dudes…”

 

Not caving is actually as good thing, because caving almost always is a waste of time, energy and money and mental anguish.

[WaitingForBardot]

/.../

My Question to you

 

from the your list of desired qualities that you want in a partner how many of those traits to you yourself offer in return?

While there are a few traits I desire that I also happen to provide, for the most part...

 

/.../

Answering your question: No.

I want my partner to have qualities which complement mine.

/.../

...like 2much4, the answer is no: I'm looking for traits that complement mine.

 

I've probably said it more than a hundred times on here, but checklist dating is a waste of time.

 

Yes we all have priorities in what we want in a relationship, and those aren't unimportant but putting a bunch of arbitrary even numbers like $150K & 6 feet tall, and eliminating 99.5% of the dating population based on it, is not going to get anyone closer to finding someone that actually makes their life better.

I agree. And the reason I think it fails is that the underlying assumption is always all other things being equal. And all other things are never equal...

[littleblackheart]

To answer the OP, I am much happier single and I prefer to have high standards and very low expectations with anyone (not just a partner)because I like to be pleasantly surprised.

 

With regards your friends, if they know what they want and are happy to wait until they get the right person for them, I'm not sure what the problem is?

Edited November 28, 2017 by littleblackheart

[Els]

I've probably said it more than a hundred times on here, but checklist dating is a waste of time.

 

Yes we all have priorities in what we want in a relationship, and those aren't unimportant but putting a bunch of arbitrary even numbers like $150K & 6 feet tall, and eliminating 99.5% of the dating population based on it, is not going to get anyone closer to finding someone that actually makes their life better.

 

Agreed completely. It's pretty ridiculous IMO. If anyone is approaching love and relationships in that manner, surely they would be better off hiring an escort.

 

I do think I have the qualities that I NEED in a partner (mostly personality traits, mindset, and intellect), although attraction can be an entirely different kettle of fish. Regardless, I'd never quantify it by a specific height or a "league rating"!

[Purepony]

Too many dreamers!

 

With all these millionaires, self proclaimed super models, Yelp challengers, social media selfie King’s and queens, and world travelers it’s a all a joke but most of my circle is 70-80% like your two friends that’s why their mid 30s and single

[GunslingerRoland]

Lastly, the whole idea that confidence is everything is absolute BS. People tell everyone to be confident all the time but it is the most useless advice ever. If I, a regular Joe, walk up to some Brazilian supermodel and, with absolute confidence, ask her to come back to my place for some Netflix and chill, what do you think my chances are? Pretty much zero. My confidence will not change my appearance or any other tangible factors that a gorgeous woman looks for in a man.

 

I partially disagree here, I think it's a relative thing. Confidence is extremely important, but you are right, it can't single-handedly grant you access to every person of the opposite sex any more than any other single trait.

 

And the bottom line is, that you need a degree of confidence to even try in the first place. *Insert Wayne Gretzky/Michael Scott quote.*

[Purepony]

I think at the end of the day let’s be honest everything is just based on looks nowadays and I’ll give you one clear common example I’m sure we’ll have one .

 

I have a friend who is about 6 foot to call guy good personality does not make a lot of money nice decent guy I don’t think he’s that good looking judging him as a person but most women do and a base it on his height

 

The guy has four girlfriends at the moment that he’s juggling and so far so good I even asked one of my friends what she thinks of him and she said women probably go out with him because of his height he’s not a good looking guy but he’s got some features that women are attracted to and I know height is a very important one now a days

 

So I think that’s pretty much what it comes down to because I’m sure you’ve all been with women or guys who say I want this this and that and then six months later they are in a committed relationship with someone who doesn’t even have half of the requirements they would talk about

[littleblackheart]

I know I'm basing myself on observation rather than personal experience as I have never dated nor have I ever tried to date (or have any intention of dating) but it seems like people seem to mature into their tastes with time , and they actually seem to be a lot less shallow and more accepting or tolerant of others as they age and they come to accept their own flaws.

 

Of coursevall that matters is that people are happy with the choices they make for themselves.

[SevenCity]

I ended up marrying a woman who didn't have all my requirements and it resulted in a divorce.

 

I don't list them and eliminate women as a result, but there are certain qualities that I cannot do without.

 

I'm not sure my offers directly compare to what I'm looking for (i.e.: I'm 6' but want a woman 5'3" or less which seems increasing hard to find on OLD. I make good money but just want a woman who isn't in debt and lives within her means (and doesn't expect me to increase those means), I have an MBA but just really want them to be intelligent. I want a woman with a comparable sex drive. I want them to be thin, I am in shape myself. I too am attracted to Asian women but it's not a deal breaker - though I'm a white dude lol so you got me there).

 

In my experience the better looking a woman was, the more headaches she ended up causing. I don't want a super model, just someone attractive enough.

 

Most importantly, I want a sweet girl. I've found components of what I'm looking for since my ex, but never all in the same woman. I don't think I should just grab one and marry her because I might not find her. I'd rather be alone.

[sdraw108]

I ended up marrying a woman who didn't have all my requirements and it resulted in a divorce.

 

I don't list them and eliminate women as a result, but there are certain qualities that I cannot do without.

 

I'm not sure my offers directly compare to what I'm looking for (i.e.: I'm 6' but want a woman 5'3" or less which seems increasing hard to find on OLD. I make good money but just want a woman who isn't in debt and lives within her means (and doesn't expect me to increase those means), I have an MBA but just really want them to be intelligent. I want a woman with a comparable sex drive. I want them to be thin, I am in shape myself. I too am attracted to Asian women but it's not a deal breaker - though I'm a white dude lol so you got me there).

 

In my experience the better looking a woman was, the more headaches she ended up causing. I don't want a super model, just someone attractive enough.

 

Most importantly, I want a sweet girl. I've found components of what I'm looking for since my ex, but never all in the same woman. I don't think I should just grab one and marry her because I might not find her. I'd rather be alone.

 

Would you turn down a woman who lived within her means, was intelligent, thin, comparable sex drive, and 5'7"?

 

That seems an odd thing to be a deal breaker!

[Chilli]

Yeah , it's a joke.

after divorce l checked out a date site. it was an effg joke, talking 4os. l can only talk from a guys point of view so l only looked at women.

ine of the biggest things hit me in the face was they all saying = there must be physical attraction . yet nearly all way over weight and looked like shyt.

it was much much worse but l wanna stay polite here.

the other thing dumbfounded me, everyone of them were saying l'm not going to settle. it's my time.

ahh , nah sorry , that was 25yrs ago.

these are women 40s early 50s, look like crap , usually divorced and their bodies had had 3 or 4 kids and god knows what else, nother 10 yrs they're 60ish , yet it's their time and they aren't settling..

it was absolutely mind boggling.and most of the ones l spoke to were literally 1/2 mad too.

Never forget one, 52, looked like shyt , demanding a tall dark Irishman., good luck with that sister , she's still on there.

 

Guess what , rejoined a few weeks back and they're nearly all still on there and 3 or 4 yrs older. what a surprise eh.

 

no idea what the guys were saying they might be just as bad but the women were ridiculous and from what l see all over the net it doesn't get much better.

 

Since l became single after married 19yrs, it's just amazing what's happened to the world and people out there, really , it's just incredible.

Edited November 29, 2017 by Chilli

[lovephule]

I am entertained and somewhat mystified by how angry people get when those with "unrealistic expectations" get what they want. Of course many don't. But when it happens, it's almost taken as a personal affront.

[Chilli]

l think talk is cheap and most can't resist their 15 minutes on a stage which is everywhere now and accessible to anyone that can use a keyboard , but the realty is usually a far different story from what l've seen.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Put it this way, if I asked for all the qualities I offer, I would never find someone to go on one date with for the rest of my life

 

I only ask for fraction of what I offer and even that's impossible to find.

[elaine567]

Yeah , it's a joke.

after divorce l checked out a date site. it was an effg joke, talking 4os. l can only talk from a guys point of view so l only looked at women.

ine of the biggest things hit me in the face was they all saying = there must be physical attraction . yet nearly all way over weight and looked like shyt.

it was much much worse but l wanna stay polite here.

the other thing dumbfounded me, everyone of them were saying l'm not going to settle. it's my time.

ahh , nah sorry , that was 25yrs ago.

these are women 40s early 50s, look like crap , usually divorced and their bodies had had 3 or 4 kids and god knows what else, nother 10 yrs they're 60ish , yet it's their time and they aren't settling..

it was absolutely mind boggling.and most of the ones l spoke to were literally 1/2 mad too.

Never forget one, 52, looked like shyt , demanding a tall dark Irishman., good luck with that sister , she's still on there.

 

Guess what , rejoined a few weeks back and they're nearly all still on there and 3 or 4 yrs older. what a surprise eh.

 

no idea what the guys were saying they might be just as bad but the women were ridiculous and from what l see all over the net it doesn't get much better.

 

Since l became single after married 19yrs, it's just amazing what's happened to the world and people out there, really , it's just incredible.

 

OK but the truth of the matter is that people in their 40s-50s have ALL aged, they have maybe put on weight, they have busy lives, careers, kids and ageing parents and they are not all going to spend their lives in gyms and beauty parlours and on strict diets.

They are often more comfortable in their own skin, and whilst some will want to try and compete with 25yos, others have accepted that they are in their 40s and 50s+ and "keeping up" is a fruitless task.

Genetics play a big part too, some will look great or even better as they age but others WILL start looking their age or even start looking "elderly" no matter what they do.

 

Everyone wants the best they can get, so what is really wrong with stating what they want? They have often spent the last 15-30 years in marriages and they are in a time warp, the last time they dated everyone looked young and fantastic, now they are faced with sagging skin, grey hair, bad body shapes, obesity and baldness... not to mention the bitter, the boring, the depressed and the generally down beat...

 

Many can well afford to wait, they don't really NEED a partner, so are unwilling to accept less.

I am not sure why that rubs so many up the wrong way as I do not see anyone here who is willing to "date down", everyone has their own expectations and filters, based on their own life experiences, needs and wants...

They weigh up the advantages vs the disadvantages of the filters they have placed.

 

Some will accept that "older" people get fat and wrinkly and do not look like 25yos, but may make great life companions, and others will always hanker after their youth as that is really what it usually boils down to.

[Chilli]

Yeah l don't actually date either , never have. just met people .

although l went on a date site last week and met a few, went down to meet one but l wouldn't call it a date , hell l dunno , went to her place and she cooked me beautiful chinese and we talked all night ,hell l dunno , is that a date.

Happened last time l went on a date site too ,

which was the first time ever. They weren't around before l was married.

Stayed at one chicks place 3 days, but again l dunno , wouldn't call it a date.

 

Anyway , there's a lot to me and so l do need a certain personality and depth in return but my kinda womens a one in 10 million and not easy to to find so l'd be wasting every bodies time doing the dating thing anyway. l know her when l see her.

 

So nope l don't agree with the looks only thing ,the shallow maybe and there seems to be plenty of them around these days but nah, l need that person too , without her,forget it,