Husband had affair with my son's girlfriend.

[TheGoodWife]

Let me start by saying my husband is a wonderful husband and father. We have been married for 10 years and have 2 children and I have 2 older son's from a previous marriage. Over the past couple years my husband and I started having difficulty in our relationship. We never stopped loving each other but had a lot of resentment towards each other for things that have happened in the past. My 2 older children were difficult to raise. Their father was absent and had died several years ago. My husband tried his best to be a father to them. My 2 children are adults now. My 19 year old has been with his girlfriend for 5 years and now live together. She is 19, my husband is 39. She had taken advantage of the fact that my husband and I were having trouble amd started flirting and make sexual passes at my husband. Finally after several months my husband thought our marriage was over and acted on her advancements. They had a sexual affair and during that 2 month period my husband and I started working on our marriage. They ended the affair and he came clean about everything. I had already seen lots of signs and confronted him often. I had also confronted her one time and she denied it happening. After I confronted her she met up with my husband. Even though they had ended the relationship they still continued to flirt. We stopped my son and girlfriend now fiance from coming over as much as they were which was almost daily because it was causing lots of hurt emotions when she would visit. Everytime I see her I want to lash out at her. My concern is do I confront her because she is going to be my daughter-in-law and do we tell my son his Stepdad had and affair with his fiance and this isn't the first time she has cheated on him?

Edited November 25, 2017 by TheGoodWife

[deadsoul]

Wow. This one hit a new low. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

You know, normally I'm in the camp of confessing is a personal choice, but I really think in this case, if you and your husband are working on reconciliation, the son needs to be informed. He needs to understand why his soon-to-be wife can't come over. And she can't.

 

This is a tough one all the way around, though, because once the son finds out, he will probably not be so forgiving with your H.

 

Have you forgiven your H?

[BetrayedH]

You would let your son unknowingly marry a girl that just cheated on him (and one that cheated with his step-father, no less)?

[LivingWaterPlease]

Put yourself in your son's place. Engaged to a man and he has an affair with your mother and other women. Would you want to know before marrying him and having children with him?

 

How would you feel if you found out that your father (and mother) knew this but kept this information from you?

[aliveagain]

Sorry but you can't let your son marry her with telling him the truth. This will effect the relationship between your husband and him. I would not recommend he marry any woman that would cheat on him before they even marry, specially to a woman that would have an affair with his own stepfather. He is definitely going to need some professional counselling to get through this. Just my opinion but too much has happened to save this. You need to decide what you want to do about your relationship, your caught in the middle of a major train wreck, your son or your husband.

[healing light]

Damn, your son needs to know before he makes a giant mistake. It's his choice whether or not he can look past it, but I'm also in the tell him ASAP camp. She didn't just cheat on him with some random guy, but his stepdad! That's a lot more calculated and telling of her character, imo (and your husband's!). A particularly brutal level of betrayal.

[BaileyB]

I would divorce the husband - he had no business engaging in a sexual affair with a 19 year old girl, especially if she was your son's girlfriend. This shows a lack of good judgment that would never be acceptable to me.

 

Divorce the husband. Tell your son why you are divorcing. Let the chips fall where they may...

[anika99]

Wow! I can't believe that you haven't told your son already. If you love him then you have to tell him, immediately. Then I think you need to face reality where your husband is concerned. He is not a wonderful husband and father. He cheated on you for months, with a barely adult women who is young enough to be his daughter and who also happens to be his stepson's fiancé. It doesn't get much more despicable and disturbing than that. Now you are colluding with this pair of cheaters to keep your son in the dark. Where is your head? Why are you protecting your no integrity cheating husband over your son?

[chinadiary]

You've put all the blame on her? He is 39 years old. She's barely legal.

 

You are enabling his behaviour with that reaction.

 

You may want to remain married to him but you MUST hold him accountable.

 

This borders on being child abuse. I hope your 2 younger children aren't girls.

[JuneL]

If you don't tell your son now, he will hate you for the rest of his life once he finds out. I wonder what would happen when his girlfriend's parents learn that her would-be stepfather-in-law is a predator who has preyed their daughter.

[darkmoon]

I blame the girl 50%, old enough to open her legs, so no playing the innocent, ban her from your house, she has a lot to learn, but being promiscuous need not be on the list, she is quite clued-up on that.

 

Meanwhile give your husband one last chance, and share good times, you both took those vows...

Edited November 25, 2017 by darkmoon

[chinadiary]

I blame the girl 50%, old enough to open her legs, so no playing the innocent, ban her from your house, she has a lot to learn, but being promiscuous need not be on the list, she is quite clued-up on that.

 

Meanwhile give your husband one last chance, and share good times, you both took those vows...

 

 

Regardless of what the girl did, she is her sons girlfriend. His mother knows and isn't telling him. And her husband had a sexual relationship that borders on incest and child abuse. Yes it was legal. Just. But morally wrong on SO many levels.

[darkmoon]

Regardless of what the girl did, she is her sons girlfriend. His mother knows and isn't telling him. And her husband had a sexual relationship that borders on incest and child abuse. Yes it was legal. Just. But morally wrong on SO many levels.

 

so she changes, from victim when having sex her fiance's dad, to an adult when having sex with her fiance?

quite a transformation!

[elaine567]

Lot of excuses presented here for your husband's behaviour, but did it cross your mind that all that trouble you were having in your marriage was a direct result of the affair.

His mind was elsewhere and may have been for years over this girl and you were never going to match up.

 

I get the fact you have two small children and you want desperately for this marriage to continue, but you need to face the truth here.

 

How can this possibly work out well for your family going forward?

Neither your husband or your son's gf can ever be trusted around each other now and what if she gets pregnant, whose baby is it????

You cannot just ban your son from the house to try and stop them hooking up because if they want to hook up they will anyway..

Your son may get suspicious at some point and when he finds out, all roads lead back to his good old step dad... and then where will you be?

Can you really stand back and let your son marry a known cheater, just so that you can pretend to play happy families with your cheating husband?

 

Despite being outed, they, I guess are continuing with the affair, they still met up and are flirting and basically are disregarding your feelings.

 

That is the problem with taking a stand of "I am going nowhere" after an affair is discovered, there are no dire consequences for the WS so the cheating often just continues... if not with this girl then potentially with the next...

[chinadiary]

so she changes, from victim when having sex her fiance's dad, to an adult when having sex with her fiance?

quite a transformation!

 

 

My point is, the person she should be concerned about is her son. And yet he seems to be the last thought on her mind.

 

Ditch the girlfriend and the husband. Both are cheaters. But he's bordering on being a sex offender too.

[darkmoon]

My point is, the person she should be concerned about is her son. And yet he seems to be the last thought on her mind.

 

Ditch the girlfriend and the husband. Both are cheaters. But he's bordering on being a sex offender too.

 

no, she knew what she was doing, she is on no border, there is no excuse, I hope the son ditches her so that the family can re-build, divorce is tough financially, and is the rhetoric of the bitter

 

So I said give her marriage a last chance, share good times, they took those vows...

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks I am having a curious feeling about the OP and her thread. I wonder if any of you noticed the laughing face at the beginning of the thread header? Why would someone in a painful position add that at the start? I do hope someone comes up with an answer. Warm wishes.

[road]

Lot of excuses presented here for your husband's behaviour, but did it cross your mind that all that trouble you were having in your marriage was a direct result of the affair.

His mind was elsewhere and may have been for years over this girl and you were never going to match up.

 

I get the fact you have two small children and you want desperately for this marriage to continue, but you need to face the truth here.

 

How can this possibly work out well for your family going forward?

Neither your husband or your son's gf can ever be trusted around each other now and what if she gets pregnant, whose baby is it????

You cannot just ban your son from the house to try and stop them hooking up because if they want to hook up they will anyway..

Your son may get suspicious at some point and when he finds out, all roads lead back to his good old step dad... and then where will you be?

Can you really stand back and let your son marry a known cheater, just so that you can pretend to play happy families with your cheating husband?

 

Despite being outed, they, I guess are continuing with the affair, they still met up and are flirting and basically are disregarding your feelings.

 

That is the problem with taking a stand of "I am going nowhere" after an affair is discovered, there are no dire consequences for the WS so the cheating often just continues... if not with this girl then potentially with the next...

 

Actually the GF and the son must be banned from "the good wife's"

house for their must be NC between the WS, BS, and the AP after

an affair forever.

 

This ban does not mean that the good wife cannot leave her house

and go an see her son somewhere else.

 

Though the good wife is failing to be the good mom. You must

tell your son about the affair. He needs to cut out the step dad

of his life like the cancer that he is. He also needs the truth so

he will make the correct decision and dump his girlfriend.

 

Infidelity forums are filled with BH's that had forgiven and then

married their cheating girlfriend only to have her cheat on them

after they got married.

 

The good wife, do you know the biggest two betrayals in your

story are?

 

That you call yourself the good wife and not the good mom.

 

That you too are also betraying you son by denying him the

truth about the affair.

 

And, I'll add a third, you have no problem letting your son

marry that S@!#%$&*K and not say a word.

[chinadiary]

 

So I said give her marriage a last chance, share good times, they took those vows...

 

 

 

With a man that could do that? I'm all for making marriage work but what he did? It's akin to keeping a sexual predator in your bed.

[amaysngrace]

Your son's young fiancée seduced your old husband? Is that what he told you?

 

Poor him. He's such a victim in all of this.

 

I feel so sorry for him

[Bryanp]

You may think of yourself as a Good Wife but you clearly are

a Bad mother. Shame on you for not informing your son. Are you

seriously out of your mind? Shameful.

[Mysterio]

If you tell. All four of you will never be the same. If you live in the same city. I would do it in a controlled counselling environment. If they are out of town then I don't know. Why bother, but I would not have any major time with them.

 

What do you think your son will do. Do you think he would want you to tell or leave it be.

 

Here is a test for your son. I would talk to your future daughter in law and say. I won't lie to my son. You have a deadline to tell him or I will. That dead line is mid Jan 2018.

[merrmeade]

If you tell. All four of you will never be the same. If you live in the same city. I would do it in a controlled counselling environment. If they are out of town then I don't know. Why bother, but I would not have any major time with them.

 

What do you think your son will do. Do you think he would want you to tell or leave it be.

 

Here is a test for your son. I would talk to your future daughter in law and say. I won't lie to my son. You have a deadline to tell him or I will. That dead line is mid Jan 2018.

This is very important and the suggested solution, absolutely appropriate.

 

Watch the movie "Damage" with Jeremy Irons. He has an affair with his son's fiancee. The son walks in on them, and a tragic, tragic ending follows. On second thought, don't watch it. Just use your imagination and imagine the potential pain your son will feel.

 

And thinking you must protect him from it is patently ABSURD. You cannot change the truth of reality. THIS HAPPENED. And he has every right to know since he his assumption that his fiancee is trustworthy faithful is false. When (not if) he finds out, he will never forgive you.

 

Get your priorities straight, woman. What kind of mother are you?

[Darren Steez]

Oh come on...

[Tomasina]

It's always easy for us all to respond when not actually in the situation. Infidelity is trait I personally cannot abide, and yet others can work through it. I always ask myself....will I ever forgive and/or forget? My personal answer is no to both.....I wouldn't want to live in doubt the rest of my life..it would eat away at me daily which is not healthy.

Your story is quite complicated, and as a few other responses have suggested....look at the rollerball effect it will have in ALL your lives forever. I believe your son should know, but you should not be the one to tell him. The girlfriend and your husband should. None of this is your or your sons fault, but you will be the ones left most heartbroken, so you will need each other.

You both will know what each can either live with, or not. I do not envy the choices you have ahead of you, but all I can offer is a sounding board. This was my reason for joining this site....my issues are nothing in comparison...but it is a small comfort to know I can anonymously get stuff off my chest and out of my head.

Take care of yourself, first and foremost