Post abuse

[rubyjuly]

Just a few quick questions.

Are you currently prescribed anti-anxiety meds at a daily dosage (if so what and at what dosage?).

Or, are they for as and when you feel you need them with a recommended maximum for the day?

 

I hope by the time you see this you're feeling a bit better as I see you posted a while ago - how are you doing now Ruby?

 

Hi thanks for asking...

I'm feeling really depressed, it's really hard and thinking of the holidays making it worse..yes my doctor prescribes me anti anxiety medication that is quick acting so if I start to get overcome with a lot of anxiety or panic I pop one and it works within about apr 20-30 minutes..

I try to reserve it only for times I'm really having a lot of intense anxiety and emotion -- the downside is I noticed that even though it calms anxiety is sometimes tends to exacerbate depressed feeling...

[GemmaUK]

Right, OK.

 

I'm glad you're having them for when you need them only - stick with it if you can.

Practical bits first - yes, that's great idea to get a kit together for when you're out! I also recommend having small food bags around at home and in your kit.

These can be used to help anxiety - you simply hold the open bag to your lips and breathe into it - in and out, in and out a few times until you calm down - breathing in carbon dioxide helps and you can whizz to the toilets and do this.

You could also maybe play music which doesn't trigger you on your phone or an ipod/personal cd player. There's audio books on cd which you can get from libraries. There are talk radio shows too - many of which have apps where you can log in and listen to particular shows on catch up.

Christmas music is everywhere and will get worse as it leads up to Christmas so I agree, if you are feeling like this from it then just do it.

 

Not today but you could take a look for yoga classes. I don't know if this is something that your therapist could recommend a place for but do ask her.

I would also ask her about adhoc support for when you need it and for when you can't see her. This is not an unreasonable ask at all.

You have been through something horrific and very extreme. But do ask her - make that number one on your list next time you go to see her - unless you have an option to call her - if you can - then do so.

 

You are experiencing a break up as well as trauma form violence here - on top of the emotional abuse side of things which can be the thing that hurts the absolute most.

You have to give yourself some respect, empathy and forgiveness for that too.

Days like this will come and go. This past day or so has been particularly bad but if it's the best you can do then it's OK - it really is.

Don't look too far ahead in terms of 'you'll never this or you'll never that'. That is like you standing at the base of Kilimanjaro without any ropes, no back pack, high heels and a dress on. Setting yourself too much of a goal is going to hit you like Kilimanjaro would

 

Baby steps is the way forward. Every day, your goal is to get through whatever time span you want - an hour, two hours, a morning. When your own personal time span is up and whether it was an OK time or a bad time - you set yourself another same time span.

 

Now, you obviously don't take your meds out currently so I am guessing that you have been able at various times to get through some reasonable time spans.

At this time of year though you have a big time span to get through - which as the bigger picture is like Kilimanjaro. You don't have to take it as one big step with no planning though and no consideration for what you can do.

You can split I into all those smaller realistic time spans.

Make them really reasonable ones - an hour - a half hour.

On days like today where you don't feel good at all be realistic and break the time up more.

 

When one time span ends it is time for a new one - a fresh start - each and every single time OK.

 

You've recently started therapy, you've recently posted on here - maybe you were going into a lull when you posted - it's quite possible.

Each of us has good and bad days, for a time you have to be forgiving of yourself that yours will feel heavier on you.

You're only really very newly out of this so understand you don't have the tools for Kilimanjaro yet. It will take time, planning, work but also in between all of that nice things will happen too.

 

Tonight I suspect you'll have a friend to snuggle when you get home - it may seem nothing much but little things along the way help when you open your eyes and see them.

 

We have sunshine here tomorrow, I'm gonna look up and send the sun along to you with some vibes to make your day a little better. Even if the sun can't see you by the time it reaches you the vibes from me will be coming with it. x

[rubyjuly]

Gemma,

 

Thank you so much... I need actual gear to try to survive what happened- an actual carry along kit to take with me wherever I go--

 

Earbuds*

Ice pack*

Fast acting meds for ptsd attacks*

Bottle ice water*

Numbers for crisis line *

 

I wonder if I will ever make it out the other end..

Yes miss kitty cat is so sweet, very gentle and an expert at teaching the concept of love respect and honoring others feelings/boundaries

[GemmaUK]

And some small bags too for breathing into.

No word of a lie someone at work yesterday was starting to suffer a panic attack about an appointment she had yesterday afternoon.

She came over and told me and I could see it in her too.

 

I gave her a couple of food bags from the roll I keep in my drawer and she went off and used one just before she left for the day.

 

I've had a few incidents of panic attacks in my life and they are a horrible feeling - really horrible.

I'm not anti using meds to help either and have done myself on when I have needed to like you do.

The attack themselves has an after effect much like if your blood sugar levels go too low - you feel rubbish for the rest of the day after both.

 

Just take things step by baby step.

Have you got family around or a friend maybe who you could go and shop with? That might help.

 

The tools you need to get through what you've been through are tools in your mind, learning, acceptance that this was him, not you.

his insecurity an lack of responsibility was one of the main culprits in this.

Therapy and reading up will help you see that.

 

Do get hold of a number to call - there are free numbers you can call when you really need to.

I know I didn't want to try to push it but those books really could help too - just as an extra aid.

If there is a book that can empathise with you - or feel like it - the two I have suggested are it.

 

I hope you have a better day today and if you see the sun, give it a smile to send back to me.

Go easy on yourself though, don't expect too much too soon. x

[rubyjuly]

Thanks so much Gemma

[FilterCoffee]

Hi ruby,

 

So sorry to hear what you're going through.

 

I am considering asking victim services to not contact me with updates anymore

Instead, could you ask them to contact a close friend or relative? I think it's important for you to know when he gets out because he may try to contact you.

 

Have you considered moving to a different city and starting over? It would serve a couple of purposes; one, your ex will not be able to see you easily and two, you won't have reminders around you that could trigger your PTSD. Plus a fresh start could also brighten your mood.

 

I'm feeling really depressed, it's really hard and thinking of the holidays making it worse

Could you stay with family or friends during the holidays? Having people around you who really care would make you feel better.

 

I hope things start moving up soon and that your life turns around. In the meantime, keep posting here. I know how therapeutic it can be and I'm sure you know that too. I will be keeping you in mind during my morning prayers tomorrow.

[rubyjuly]

That is so nice of you, I appreciate your prayers very much!

[GemmaUK]

Thanks so much Gemma

 

You're welcome rubyjuly, more than welcome.

 

As Coffee said keep posting here as and when you need, I'll keep a look out for new posts.

 

I'm just concerned about you and care, you've really been through it.

 

On last thing for now to bear in mind, I posted earlier today on a thread in the abuse section in here and remembered something - it may or may not help you - so you take or leave this that I'm about to say. Bear with me - you will understand what I mean at the end.

 

I , through reading became empowered by something that I didn't expect following my experience of abuse.

Please don't take what I am about to say the wrong way - it's pretty fair to say that if someone had said it to me at the time I might have taken it wrongly.

I read about scenarios similar to mine, much lesser than mine and much much worse than mine (much more like yours) and I stopped and re-read, thought back - right back to the very early days since meeting my abuser.

I recalled so many times over those early days - even from one week after meeting him where I could have and should have listened to my gut instinct - but more importantly I should have acted upon it and just ended it.

Now, bear with me as this doesn't sound good. I will explain..

 

I thought back right to the beginning.

After he week and just one first meet he told me 'I love you'

Within 2 weeks my family (all 3 of them) came to visit and he got mad at me for not replying to texts fast enough and not being free for calls as often as he liked. I hadn't seen my brother for 10 years, had to play around with work, taking half a day, going into work late and working until 11pm, or going in at 7am and leaving to see my folks then going back in to work. Busy time of the month when my folks visited and I winged it seeing them when I could whilst working the hours I needed.

When I was free-er to text and out doing things with my family my ex wanted a play by play of what was happening.

 

I hadn't met anyone like this before, I felt flattered but also I admit I should have trusted the instinct I got that this wasn't right.

 

My folks went home - thousands of miles away and life went back to normal with this guy in it.

He was an avid texter, he was always up at 5am and would text me at 5.30am a good morning text.

I have a thing, me and my friends have a thing where no texts except an emergency before 10am.

When I was younger, between 25 and 36 my Dad was ill, very ill, Mum had also been long term ill from when I was 4 years old and we lost her just before my 18th birthday so we had all been carers for Mum.

This time me along with my brother were Dad's carers, holding down careers, relationships, splitting the care - my bro also had a young child and he was the main parent so I took on more of the caring for our Dad in terms of being there for meals and housework, my brother covered lunches and hospital visits and we both also took time just to 'be' with Dad and enjoy his company.

A result of this was a text at 5.30am from this guy I was dating would remind me of Dad, I would think it was the hospital contacting me - then I would have to go through the whole 'No, Dad passed away when you were 33, just before your birthday (16 years and 2 days after Mum passed). you are 43 now and this is not a text from the hospital' I told my abuser this but he said it was OK as it was just him texting and my Dad was gone.

 

My abuser would text all day, take a break which was his own time and be back texting before I left work.

He liked a call every evening for 1-2 hours or more.

I had a weekend coming up where there was something I needed to get done that weekend. It was going to be hard work, heavy lifting.

He offered to come and help. He did, it was kind I thought. I took him out on the Sunday for a £60 lunch on me.

 

I trusted him to be a gentleman and he stayed on my sofa that weekend.

He was a gentleman.

 

There were a couple more weekends he came down, during that time we became intimate - this was actually down to me.

It wasn't a shared experience though. My pleasure seemed to be less important. I put it down to nerves on his part.

What else was - not his fault - so I thought - was that it really hurt a lot. Hurt me a lot. I later learned this was none of his concern.

 

We had talked over text and he had called out his two exes. One he had called B****Face. I figured he was kidding.

I then heard him one night talk about her and the way he said it was vicious!

 

Our first 'open to the OLD and forum on there' date was a hike. His idea.

I stayed at his place but what I hadn't known was that he lived with his parents (he was 42). He had told me he had a house and mortgage same as me.

He told me about a dog he had once owned.. This dog, one day my abuser put the food down and forgot to tell this German Shepherd to eat. 12 hours later my abuser got home to find his dog sad and hungry. The dog was too darn scared of him to eat when he wasn't even there!!!! My abuser loved this story - it made him feel epic!

 

We went on this hike, with fellow forums members and so it was known we were together.

It made it more difficult now in hindsight as forum friends were all gung ho for us.

 

'For another day' means I'm happy to tell you, but another day is all.

The injury he caused me is for another day.

The sex life and how that transpired is for another day.

Isolating me from so many people is for another day.

The toenail cutting issue is for another day.

The earring issue is for another day

The selling my house is for another day.

The quitting my job thing is for another day

The whole hack of a plan to isolate me entirely is for another day.

The continual lack of any time to myself is for another day.

The work seminar where he went ballistic with threats is for another day.

The rape and the pre-cursor of Christmas day is for another day.

When he went to hit me is for another day.

The whole - I could tell you a whole pile more here..for another day!

 

I have bolded things above - these are all signs I should have heeded and acted upon. I did try to address some but it changed nothing. Two days later or less I was at fault for something new or a re-visit of something previously.

 

With learning and reading and accepting my OWN responsibility I know that I will not ever let these things get washed aside or under a rug again. I will not let that happen. I know what to look for now.

 

The above Is nuts stuff - simply put.

I thought he was joking, I felt flattered. I got love bombed, manipulated, controlled, abused.

 

I became empowered by learning I had a part to play and I didn't act upon ALL of those really early signals.

 

When I took responsibility for that - I felt empowered to not let it happen again. It hasn't. I have met men though with his traits - I can spot them now though and act - not date that person.

 

If I ever forget those checklists are there for me to look at in that 2nd book. A good reminder.

 

No need to reply to this.

If you feel like posting post, if not then you are totally free and entitled to do as you so wish!

 

Take care sweetheart. xx

[rubyjuly]

Hello again all

 

Well just checking in to say hi and let ya know how I'm doing... really struggling, lack of family support is very detrimental to me perhaps later can explain more on why but for now will just say after my dad died my already small family became two core members who are both very toxic and emotionally abusive-they kind of are enmeshed and whatever one says the other endorses-- not good for me at all

 

My therapist is excellent thank God.. has a lot of experience w abuse victims and trauma. She is slowly helping me try to understand none of it was my fault, and that even very aware and confident people can become involved in abusive relationship-- it's part of how abusers act, many are i believe sociopathic although like I said I don't want to make that my focus but it helps explain how they can get someone deep in and before they know it they're being abused-- frog in slowly boiling water analogy--- this analogy is really important and key to anyone who wants to have a real understanding of how a person can end up in an abusive relationship-- anyone can google the analogy and domestic violence to read on if they want to see how that works.

 

I was also told to read "Why Does he Do that?" I haven't read it yet but it's endorsed by national domestic violence hotline as a top book to explain all the dynamics of it. I want to backtrack a second and say abusers are not abusive bc of a mental illness or drug use or etc-- it's a choice they make to engage in to gain their goal of power and control over their victim

 

It's hard for me in my heart and mind hurting whether HE actually has any serious and genuine self conviction of what he did.. so many memories so much just so much

Edited December 2, 2017 by rubyjuly

[bene]

I feel for you and your story really touched me. I’d want to hug you if I could.

 

If it’s any help, you have people in this forum who feel for you and don’t think you are worthless. I hope it’s at least some help to post here.

 

You have pulled through so far and the worst is behind you. However bad you feel now, I really believe it can only get better from here. Maybe not tomorrow or even next week or next month, but try to hang in there until the day comes.

[rubyjuly]

I feel for you and your story really touched me. I’d want to hug you if I could.

 

If it’s any help, you have people in this forum who feel for you and don’t think you are worthless. I hope it’s at least some help to post here.

 

You have pulled through so far and the worst is behind you. However bad you feel now, I really believe it can only get better from here. Maybe not tomorrow or even next week or next month, but try to hang in there until the day comes.

 

Really nice of you, thank you, helps to know some understand and care

[GemmaUK]

I agree that it's not easy without family support around.

 

My only family is thousands of miles away and I would speak to friends and colleagues whilst I was in the relationship.

Something or other that I said made my boss make a comment that the guy was being controlling, none of my friends had said it - I think they just thought I was happy. I felt validated in my own thoughts after he said it. Felt like I wasn't going crazy.

 

Sounds like you are learning bits and pieces of the why it happened from your therapist. This is good.

The book suggestion is a good one also. It's one I read too and reviewed in my second post on my book suggestions thread. Having just read back what I thought of it definitely would help along with the ones I suggested.

 

A therapist is there to help you get through and recover but a book is more concise and will explain much more to you.

Much like I couldn't remember 'all' of the best books a therapist won't be so good at pinpointing more minor things that still leave you baffled.

I tend to be methodical about things and to understand bigger things I need to get the background and understand the smaller things too.

For example, if my boss asks me for a report and tells me he wants to see x. y and z in it I need to know what result he wants to see from it - the end point.

Or, think of a jigsaw puzzle, you have all the edges but you need to start filling in the picture - it's only then that you will get to see the detail.

 

Reading up will help you see things that didn't even seem abusive at the time.

Don't fear this or fear recalling things - little things. I can promise you that when you read and understand the littler things within these books there will be many which are exactly things that happened to you too.

When you see it in black and white you know that thousands of people have experienced the same exact things, you are not alone and you are by no means worthless.

 

I'm gonna post up my book suggestions thread again, it has a bit about me, about the books but talks about abuse in general too.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/524069-book-suggestions

 

You could do as I did too - and the timing would be similar to mine.

I wrote that thread in the April but I began reading in late November/December time.

I look back now and I was immersed in learning over several months and over the Christmas period. There were good and bad times but I was doing something 100& for myself and the books I got - I was worth it enough to get them. I was worth it enough to shut myself away, read and learn.

I did a few Christmas type things that year of 2014 but I pretty much cancelled it in my mind, This wasn't a negative feeling, I had a different mission to others around me and it was OK. More than OK.

Before I started learning I found the utter confusion and bafflement over my situation incredibly stressful. I had no clue where to begin but also all of the thoughts were all too jumbled with no reasons I could find to understand any of them in any sensible structure.

I think this is where you are right now Ruby. I recognise it from what you're writing and how I myself felt.

 

If your therapist is suggesting reading she knows you are ready to learn and want to learn. That is a really good sign Ruby. You just need to take the step.

I think it will also aid your therapy as you'll be bringing new things up that you learn and that gives a huge opportunity for your therapist to expand and know better how to help you.

 

Take a read of that thread I've linked in here and get yourself some reading material. The priority of books in my mind has changed - the one your therapist suggested first - definitely get that one first. Now I have recalled it it's a must have for you.

In my thread I mention a book called Jerk Radar - also very, very good. The link to the site I found it on still works, scroll down and it's on the right hand side in a yellow box (book title, description and link are all within the thread I posted above).

Then I would suggest Dangerous Man as book #3 and Aunty Alex's army manual as book #4 for you.

I have changed and added to the priorities of books as from your last post I can see much more clearly where you are at in your understanding of abuse as a subject.

 

Plus, none of these books are tough to read in the sense that they aren't 'technical'. It's down to earth. You won't come across a page that you don't understand and you will find you ex in every single one of these books.

 

Sending you some love and ((hugs)) xx

[rubyjuly]

Gemma

 

Thank you so much for your thoughtful help.. sorry for delay I was tied up with something the past week or so

 

Today I'm taking my cat to get her picture with Santa taken, I want to find a bright red Christmas collar for her pic-- she has a light blue one hats pretty but for special holiday pic with Santa Claus she will look festive in a red shiny collar and who knows what she might tell Santa is on her wish list- probably sardines or tuna or her favorite a bird! Lol

[alterest]

Hey, may I ask to you all something?

My GF broke up with me a month ago and a couple of days ago she ask for her stuff back, I said ok and also asked her for a talk that she refuses and started to say that I said that I only return her stuff back if she talked to me. I said that was not true, that I only wanted to talk but it's ok if she doesn't want to. After a lot of discussion she said that she will pick her stuffs in my home and ignored me completly after that... I tried to call her and she didn't answered (stupid, I know) and I said that I will return her stuffs in that same day so that will be a less stress thing, cause she is depressed (she is bipolar in a depresive episode) and told me that she had a stressful end of year. When I arrive she was pretty angry, I return her stuff and ask apologize for discussion that we had before but she cut me off saying that I was abusive for going there without saying anything and close the door. When I arrive in my home she told me again that I was abusive and that she saw no message and a couple of minutes later she sent that she found the message and that she didn't saw and said that I should wait before going to someones home, even to return stuffs. I asked for apologize again and told her that I went there cause I think it will be ok and I want to remove some pressure from her shoulders caused by our discussion, and she going to my home to take her stuff will be stressful and I want to spare her from it. I didn't try to reconcile, didn't went physical, didn't try to kiss or hold. Only went, return her stuffs and say sorry. What do you think? That was abusive? I really feel terrible right now and feel very confused about it too...

[GemmaUK]

Ruby, good to hear from you and it's good to hear you're doing something cool and silly too!

 

 

Alterest

You should ask the mods to move your question to it's own thread.

It's inappropriate once you've split to just turn up unannounced without getting a firm response that it's Ok from your ex.

Also, just one thing doesn't equal abuse.

Usually there will be a history of behaviours to indicate emotional abuse (as that is the most common form of abuse). If you get this moved to it's own thread and give more background as to what happened in the relationship people may be able to unpick a few things for you.