Welp, not new to this, but finally decided to say something.

[Mr Blunt]

So, after repeatedly rereading all the advice that people had given me (thanks again) it became as clear as day that I need to move on. She is not worth any pain or heartache. I recall a poster mentioning me cutting her out of my life. It's not impossible, but we share A LOT of mutual friends. It may not mean much here, however, these people a very close to the both of us and I will never stand to lose them because of her

.

 

 

What kind of friend is going to stop being your friend because you moved on from your ex-wife?

 

He mentioned that my ex will likely be there as well and I thought it was the perfect moment to put any potential, intimate relationship to bed

I remember I mentioned that ex and I text each other. Well, I'll say it was an interesting conversation a few days after the party.

Why are you still communicating with her?

It has been over two years that you made a decision about her. Stop with excuses and move on.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Far, there's only one way you are going to get your ex off your back. Start dating and have a new woman on your arm when you land up at any social events where you expect your ex to be. However, do take the precaution of bringing up your date to speed as far as your ex and her shenanigans are concerned. You would have to be protective of your date when in the presence of your ex as she is likely to create an unpleasant situation when she finds that you are slipping out of her grasp.

 

Whatever you do you should now place yourself out in front. You said you were stunned for a minute by your ex's beauty. Remember that beautiful women often( not always) have a tendency towards nymphomaniac or narcissistic behaviour. They know they are good looking and they misuse that quality to get the attention of the opposite sex because they know that they can do it and expect to get away with it. Warm wishes.

[wmacbride]

Hey, guys. Just wanted to let people know that I've been around here regularly and will definitely post an update soon. These last few days have been a rollercoaster and I honestly have had it with all the stupid drama I had to deal with from my ex... You know what, let me post a mini update now.

 

So, after repeatedly rereading all the advice that people had given me (thanks again) it became as clear as day that I need to move on. She is not worth any pain or heartache. I recall a poster mentioning me cutting her out of my life. It's not impossible, but we share A LOT of mutual friends. It may not mean much here, however, these people a very close to the both of us and I will never stand to lose them because of her.

 

So, this past weekend a friend of mine was having a little party. Nothing serious (nothing over the top) and I was invited to it. He mentioned that my ex will likely be there as well and I thought it was the perfect moment to put any potential, intimate relationship to bed (the list I made had way too many negatives ). Well, all I can say is that **** hit the fan pretty fast.

 

I went to my friend's place and my ex was predictably there. I mingled a bit with other guests and avoided my ex for a long time. You see, when ex and I are in close proximity, she does her utmost to make sure that she talks to me. It was no different here. She relentlessly tried to get my attention (shouting my name, coming over to where I sat, asking to be alone together). I already planned to tell her that I was moving on regardless of what she did since the divorce. So we talked on the balcony. I almost did double-take at her beauty. One thing ex has going for her is her looks, that's for sure, but I wasn't swayed much when I thought of all those horrible months I was forced to become Sherlock Holmes.

 

Our talk started off...lovely? Not sure how to describe it, but it was like we were a couple. We talked a lot about our future. It was at this point I decided to break the news to her. I told her that it was best for us to see other people.

 

"This again? I already told you that you're the only one."

 

Guys, I'm not sure what happened. But after she said that, I was hugely pissed off. It felt like I snapped out of nowhere.

 

I sarcastically asked where this attitude was when we were married. She was hugely offended. She acknowledged that she was a sh**** wife (my words to her, I'm sorry) but that wasn't who she is anymore. She cannot believe I'm holding a grudge against her--said it was unfair. I told her it was unfair for me to be the butt of the joke that was our marriage. I asked her what she would have done if the situation was reversed. At first, she tried to play the "Saint with no-fault" game and told me she would give me another chance and let the past be the past. But I told her she was firm about commitment. We agreed prior to getting married that if one of us stabbed the other in the back, then our union was over. She gaped like a fish and said nothing for a while. Then she said that she didn't think I would remember that.

 

I told her that I love myself too much to put my future on the line with someone who's shown me that they a capable of anything. No matter what she did now, it will never change the fact that I was her Plan B. Of course, she immediately denied that I was ever Plan B, to which I countered, "Well, f***, the fact that you thought you were never going to get caught AND think you can get me back is just insulting." Needless to say, my party mood was ruined and we ended up arguing about nonsense.

 

I remember I mentioned that ex and I text each other. Well, I'll say it was an interesting conversation a few days after the party. I'm currently overseas on business so I don't have much time to myself. Sorry to end it here, but I will give a full update soon. I just wish this crap would be over already... But it's definitely getting there now.

 

Op,

I'm not a believer in the maxim that once a cheater, always a cheater, but in my experience, someone who cheats, esocially if it is over an extended period of time, can lie to your face, gaslight you and put your health ( both mental and physical) at risk is not someone who can change that much.

 

Given what you say about her here, I don't think she has changed at all. Her view could well be that the cause of her cheating is external, something can't control. You'll know she sees it that way if you hear words like " it just sort of happened" , " He hit on me and perused me" or ' I would't have done this if not for you".

 

All those indicate a cheater who had made no changes at all,beyond window dressing. The next time she feels she deserves to be happy" and joe blow walks by and catches her eye, you'll be right back to square one.

 

There are people who have affairs, learn from them and will never,ever cheat again. These are the men and women who have had the courage to really look at their behavior, take ownership of it and examine the causes so they can make deep seated changes. It doesn't sound like your ex has done any of that. To me, it sounds like she is continuing to blame others for her actions.

 

If you really want to know what's in her heart, ask her to write out an explanation as to why she cheated. Her words will give you the information you need and some insight into her mindset. If you see her blaming others, blaming your marriage , blaming the om for her behavior etc., you'll know she is full of crap an has zero understanding of herself.

 

After my husband cheated, he was gone for a long time ( deployed) and we were in limbo. We'd had a quasi-reconciliation, but it was still very much up in the air. When he got home months later, he spend a huge amount of time working on himself, and also subjecting himself to the embarrassment and reprimands of going to his warrant officer to talk to him about what had gone on ( he and the ow worked together). He'd been mentally ill before he left ( combat PTSD) and his therapy sort of rolled his cheating, ptsd, etc. altogether and he spent a few years working really hard on himself. I know facing his demons took a lot of courage, and I admire that he was able to do it.

 

I know how hard it as, but he put it to me, our family was worth it.

 

 

That's the thing. If your ex-wife were to come on here and was asked to give reasons why she cheated, what do you think she would say? What would she say she has learned from her behavior?

 

At any rate,you sound like a guy with a good head on his shoulders. Whatever else you do,be true to yourself. You only get one go around, and do you feel that she is the person you want to go around with? If you did, would you feel safe or would you always wonder if she was cheating? Do you think you can let you hurt and anger go? Are you willing to work through them, because if you don't, no matter what she had or has not done to improve her behavior, you likley won't be happy. That elephant in the room will simply take up too much space.

 

Whatever else happens, I wish both you and your ex-wife luck, whatever decision you make. Cheating doesn't make her a terrible person or some sort of evil beast, but it does give her the power to hurt you. Are you willing to give that to her? At some point, that is a question most bs ask themselves, in one form or another.

 

( sorry the post was so long)

[doyathinkso]

Far, you obliquely alluded to your ex-w living with an issue she had as a child growing up but declined to elaborate.

 

If that issue was Childhood Sexual Abuse within her family then that could explain a great deal about her inability to understand and/or empathize with either your position or her own behaviours.

 

If so then this is the demon which must first be slain before she becomes a fit potential partner for you or anyone else. This is a road she must travel on her own and it will be long and arduous. She is more likely to duck and run from it than to engage and overcome it, but it is she and she alone that must elect her path forward. Should you attempt to coax and guide her into this then her perception of you may be confused in her mind with the role of her dominating childhood abuser.

 

The only thing you can do is to make her aware, to wake her up.

 

 

 

If not, well then .... never mind.

[road]

 

 

 

she wants us to be together. Not a marriage or reconciliation, just to try and see if anything is salvageable. I don't outright deny her because a part of me still has feelings for her that are really strong. It's like after the divorce, things between me and her have mellowed down and become casual. I think it's a large reason why I still reject women who want a relationship. A part of me feels like it wouldn't be fair to them and I can't do that if I'm not all in, plus the trust issues...Arg!

 

Everyone around me has told me and shown me what my ex has done to fix herself. It was overwhelming really, IC, timeline, letters of love, NC letter. She has exposed the affair to our mutual friends and took full blame even when others thought otherwise (gets me every time). Some were helping her cope with the aftermath and keep to changing herself to be safe...for me (sigh again). Her mother was very upset about that (didn't want other people to know). But surprisingly none of our friends charges ex too harshly. None of them knew, too, until ex told them (they thought we were divorcing because of other problems). I know this for a fact. I stupidly fanned the flames one time when I asked her what she would do if I said yes to her proposal.

 

 

now I'm considering going back? What is wrong with me? The part of me that wants to go back sees how much she's changed. She really seems like a whole different person. And I have witnessed this all year long. She's far happier than I have ever seen her (which I wanted for her for such a long time) and I was kind of suspicious that she was still seeing the guy but didn't really care since D. One of our friends set me straight that she's been keeping tabs on my ex to make sure she didn't slip up and assured me that ex has only been focused on getting back with me the entire time since the divorce. She has not made contact with OM at all. I trust this girl, so I believe her. Ex is very apologetic. I don't know how many times she's told me she's sorry that she ruined our future.

 

I asked her why she's still doing this? She still has her friends, her job, her f****ing reputation. I never took that away from her so why keep chasing me now that you're free to see whoever you want?

 

"I love you and I was a selfish b****. Please let me show you I'm not that anymore." I've never seen her that determined in all the years I've known her.

 

I think I'm a mess because of this. This sh*** still feels so surreal.

 

So sitting in my hotel room, sipping wine and typing on my laptop...Should I stay or should I go? I know it's not that simple, any advice will do. Kind of in limbo here.

 

Reading your first post again has shown me that you still

strong have feelings for her.

 

So are you acting mad because you have a preconceived

idea on how you are suppose to act that is conflicting with

how you want to act?

 

She has shown that she has done and is doing the work to

be a good wife again.

 

Many a BH has tried recovery with a WW that has done less

then yours. She appears to be a good candidate for a

second chance.

 

You are divorced. You do not have to marry her to date her

as you see if her changes have taken root. If after a

long time you want to remarry again you just get a strong

pre-nup to show her that you will not tolerate any of her past

behavior and what will happen to her if she did.

[BarbedFenceRider]

I think it's great that OP has the power in his life to go either way. And I do acknowledge his anger and resentment now. Its all to be expected. But she has done a lot of heavy lifting and while she does show "entitlement", she should get some acknowledgement for her effort to bring some sort of relationship with you. I am usually on the side of kicking the partner to the curb, but this has given me pause.

She does have her beauty and others were right to point out narcissism and being "un-safe". But Since the D, she had plenty of opportunity for new men to come in and white knight her. But she didn't....

I do think that taking it slow and maybe just start with coffee time or a ball game. Learn to interact again. You have no commitments, and you can say no at anytime, whats the loss? I am in for going slow, just see what happens. And for heaven sake, don't sleep with her...Yet. lol Best of luck my friend.

[wmacbride]

I wouldn't trust her at all. To me, she is coming off as one of those people who will work their rear end off to get something, then when they do, the challenge is gone and it's on to the next.

[aliveagain]

Hey, guys. Just wanted to let people know that I've been around here regularly and will definitely post an update soon. These last few days have been a rollercoaster and I honestly have had it with all the stupid drama I had to deal with from my ex... You know what, let me post a mini update now.

 

So, after repeatedly rereading all the advice that people had given me (thanks again) it became as clear as day that I need to move on. She is not worth any pain or heartache. I recall a poster mentioning me cutting her out of my life. It's not impossible, but we share A LOT of mutual friends. It may not mean much here, however, these people a very close to the both of us and I will never stand to lose them because of her.

 

So, this past weekend a friend of mine was having a little party. Nothing serious (nothing over the top) and I was invited to it. He mentioned that my ex will likely be there as well and I thought it was the perfect moment to put any potential, intimate relationship to bed (the list I made had way too many negatives ). Well, all I can say is that **** hit the fan pretty fast.

 

I went to my friend's place and my ex was predictably there. I mingled a bit with other guests and avoided my ex for a long time. You see, when ex and I are in close proximity, she does her utmost to make sure that she talks to me. It was no different here. She relentlessly tried to get my attention (shouting my name, coming over to where I sat, asking to be alone together). I already planned to tell her that I was moving on regardless of what she did since the divorce. So we talked on the balcony. I almost did double-take at her beauty. One thing ex has going for her is her looks, that's for sure, but I wasn't swayed much when I thought of all those horrible months I was forced to become Sherlock Holmes.

 

Our talk started off...lovely? Not sure how to describe it, but it was like we were a couple. We talked a lot about our future. It was at this point I decided to break the news to her. I told her that it was best for us to see other people.

 

"This again? I already told you that you're the only one."

 

Guys, I'm not sure what happened. But after she said that, I was hugely pissed off. It felt like I snapped out of nowhere.

 

I sarcastically asked where this attitude was when we were married. She was hugely offended. She acknowledged that she was a sh**** wife (my words to her, I'm sorry) but that wasn't who she is anymore. She cannot believe I'm holding a grudge against her--said it was unfair. I told her it was unfair for me to be the butt of the joke that was our marriage. I asked her what she would have done if the situation was reversed. At first, she tried to play the "Saint with no-fault" game and told me she would give me another chance and let the past be the past. But I told her she was firm about commitment. We agreed prior to getting married that if one of us stabbed the other in the back, then our union was over. She gaped like a fish and said nothing for a while. Then she said that she didn't think I would remember that.

 

I told her that I love myself too much to put my future on the line with someone who's shown me that they a capable of anything. No matter what she did now, it will never change the fact that I was her Plan B. Of course, she immediately denied that I was ever Plan B, to which I countered, "Well, f***, the fact that you thought you were never going to get caught AND think you can get me back is just insulting." Needless to say, my party mood was ruined and we ended up arguing about nonsense.

 

I remember I mentioned that ex and I text each other. Well, I'll say it was an interesting conversation a few days after the party. I'm currently overseas on business so I don't have much time to myself. Sorry to end it here, but I will give a full update soon. I just wish this crap would be over already... But it's definitely getting there now.

 

You were married three years, she gets herself a boyfriend, two years later you divorce her because she refuses to tell you the truth after you bust her. All this happened in a marriage that hardly had a chance to begin, start to finish only took 5 years. Your the only one for her, really? She could have stepped up at anytime in those two years and try to save your relationship but chose to protect her false image of herself instead. The only truth I see here is that her life was better with you in it. If you think your life will be better with her in then go for it but I think you already paid the price for trying to have a relationship with her. Don't waste all that pain you suffered through her business trips and weekends away with her "girlfriends."

[oldlion]

I am not going to advise you to get back with your XW or to not get back with her. Instead I'm going to tell you something that I know for sure is a fact. PEOPLE CAN CHANGE. I am retired military; have been around the world several times; seen war, death and destruction up close and personal; and many times have seen life altering events change a person into to someone completely different. If you just plain don't want to have anything to do with her, then don't. I do not adhere to "once a cheater always a cheater". I've seen too many people that were changed by a traumatic experience. And infidelity, divorce and the shattering of ones life is a traumatic experience. And yes, there are some that nothing will change them. I've seen those kind of people also. You don't have to marry her to give her another shot at being together. If you ever do decide to marry anyone , then protect yourself with a prenuptial agreement. Like I said, I'm not advising you either way. I'm just saying people can change. I do wish you well.