Crappy birthday gift?

[Els]

How old are both of you, OP?

[PegNosePete]

having to threaten and cajole to try to get a proposal when she may end up dumped instead.

There's a self-fulfilling prophecy if ever I saw one.

[Yosemite]

There's a self-fulfilling prophecy if ever I saw one.

 

Which is why she should have left at 2 years.

 

She can’t make him propose and he won’t on his own. How long is she supposed to wait for him to make up his mind? 4 years have already come and gone and he still isn’t sure. Her mom or bff or someone should’ve told her to leave a loooong time ago.

[PegNosePete]

Which is why she should have left at 2 years.

If not getting married was such a deal-breaker to her, then yeah. But rather than just leave, it would have been sensible for her to discuss it with him. Not threatening or cajouling, but discussing it in a mature and adult manner.

[Imajerk17]

Wow. I actually was somewhat pissed reading the first few paragraphs of this thread. See my first thought was dude was raising the bar so high that he was ruining it for the rest of us fellas

 

I understand that she may have been expecting an engagement ring and have been disappointed not to get it. But reacting as she did the way she did... Engagement isn't a gift you give that magically fixes your relationship's issues though. And the way she lashed out to your valiant attempt at being thoughtful is a big relationship issue in and of itself indeed, even if she was secretly hoping for something else from you.

Edited November 24, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Yosemite]

If not getting married was such a deal-breaker to her, then yeah. But rather than just leave, it would have been sensible for her to discuss it with him. Not threatening or cajouling, but discussing it in a mature and adult manner.

 

We don’t know that she didn’t discuss it. The fact that she has a wedding ring picked out which the OP knows about indicates that she did.

[GymRat]

I really appreciate all of the insight that you all have given. I think that I'm realizing more and more that our relationship is headed in the wrong direction, and I've been more open to talking with people close to me about how I'm feeling in general. Of course I care about her about her a ton, but I've had this moderate feeling of misery lurking inside of me, just hoping she doesn't snap at me. I work a rotation job, so I'm literally away from where we live together for 7 days and then back home for 7 days. I can absolutely understand her frustrations with me being away half the time, but that's the nature of my work and it had been that way since our first year of being together. I've suggested moving to the town that I work in, but she doesn't want to move 5 hours north of the city/area we live in. I've suggested other, larger towns in the same industry (mining) where we could both fairly easily find work and where she even has close friends, but that's not an option either. We both have decent careers, but there is a bit of an age gap (I'm 30 and she is 35) and we have discussed having kids/getting married, but the idea of kids even scares her. I just think she is anxious and overwhelmed that her life isn't picture perfect like her parents' was (they were both teachers who bought a house on the water, were always home together, did everything together) and it seems she constantly compares our situation with that being the bar. I've tried to explain that life is what we make of it rather than what it should be, but I suppose we're just philosophically in different places. Again, thanks for the advice and I'm so happy to hear what any of you have to say.

[rubyjuly]

I agree w the above posts that she felt let down after 4 years together and no ring, maybe it's time for her to evaluate how much longer she wants to ride out as four years is a pretty long time that if those are her values and your just wanting to keep her on as a gf maybe she should reevaluate

[nospam99]

30? 35? 4 years? Dude, if the result of the 'kids talk' is not FULLY 'settled', have the talk again. Just sayin' Ladies, do you agree?

[d0nnivain]

She handled it poorly but after 4 years together at age 35 she is looking for a ring. If one isn't forthcoming for Christmas you will be facing this "disappointment" all over again in a few days. The you don't know me at all comment wasn't about the jogging suit. It was about the fact that you didn't propose.

 

You two really have to talk seriously . . . about life, location, kids, love, marriage etc. Right now you are not on the same page, especially if you have this "moderate feeling of misery."

 

Although she won't move for her BF, (I wouldn't), she might move for her husband.

 

I don't think your job / hours are the problem. I think things are coming to a head & the stress is getting to you both.

[rubyjuly]

I really appreciate all of the insight that you all have given. I think that I'm realizing more and more that our relationship is headed in the wrong direction, and I've been more open to talking with people close to me about how I'm feeling in general. Of course I care about her about her a ton, but I've had this moderate feeling of misery lurking inside of me, just hoping she doesn't snap at me. I work a rotation job, so I'm literally away from where we live together for 7 days and then back home for 7 days. I can absolutely understand her frustrations with me being away half the time, but that's the nature of my work and it had been that way since our first year of being together. I've suggested moving to the town that I work in, but she doesn't want to move 5 hours north of the city/area we live in. I've suggested other, larger towns in the same industry (mining) where we could both fairly easily find work and where she even has close friends, but that's not an option either. We both have decent careers, but there is a bit of an age gap (I'm 30 and she is 35) and we have discussed having kids/getting married, but the idea of kids even scares her. I just think she is anxious and overwhelmed that her life isn't picture perfect like her parents' was (they were both teachers who bought a house on the water, were always home together, did everything together) and it seems she constantly compares our situation with that being the bar. I've tried to explain that life is what we make of it rather than what it should be, but I suppose we're just philosophically in different places. Again, thanks for the advice and I'm so happy to hear what any of you have to say.

 

 

That's not an "age gap"---- if she was 18 and you were 13, ok that would be an age gap because the younger you are it matters more.. but a five year difference when your both past the 30 mark--- has no bearing on this, there could be a big gap in **maturity level** though which is not related to your chronological age at this point in your life -- in other words, she may be a full functioning adult who has adult 30 something goals and although your in the same age bracket you might be more emotionally immature-- gymrat

[rubyjuly]

If she can't resolve her winter depression are you still planning to stay with her?

 

What if it's not winter depression and it's just that she's entitled and bratty?

 

Do you have an idea of what YOUR healthy boundary looks like?

 

I noticed the OP seems to portray his gf as the one with any issues-- including "seasonal depression"--- may or may not be the case, she also might have a reason to be depressed that could have a reason to be depressed that could stem at least in part to how she's treated, however that may be... (not saying for sure it does but its at least a possibility to consider he may have his own issues and also not trying to pick on the op but just to put what's probably already self explanatory to some- there are issues he himself has but didn't seem to mention, since nobody's perfect I'm sure she isn't the only one with issues.

[rubyjuly]

Really do appreciate the replies. I am actually going to book an appointment with a couples therapist, and I talked to her about it and she was on board. I've noticed that during the winter months she exhibits a lot of symptoms of depression, to the point that fewer and fewer things seem to bring her joy as the winter progresses and I'm caught in a situation where I'm trying to do well by her but end up making things worse. I just wanted an outsider opinion on whether or not it was warranted for her to act that way before I made any judgements for myself. As for the ring, we have certainly discussed it and she has even shown me an image of her "perfect ring". But I don't think proposing would solve some of the inherent issues in our relationship right now. Thanks again everyone, it really means a lot.

 

Since you came on wanting opinions whether her response was warranted-- imo, and some others here too apparently, yes her response was very much warranted based on how you after 4 years haven't followed through, wanting her there for benefits you get as her bf but not ascribing the value she should have (imo and looks like some others), comes across as self serving imho.

 

The inherent issue it seems in your relationship right now IS that, btw (your wanting to keep her on in the gf zone after 4 years. At your guys age and length of relationship you are disrespecting her for your own gain. Sorry if that isn't what makes you feel happy to hear- it is my honest opinion that you asked for here.

Edited December 2, 2017 by rubyjuly

[rubyjuly]

Right. IF the underling issue here is that she's upset at not receiving a ring, she shouldn't be masking it by acting entitled and bratty and being upset at OP after he gave her such a wonderful day. She should communicate like an adult.

 

We don't know if she has already expressed her needs before--- well actually she did since the op said himself she had picked out the ring she wanted, and showed it to him. What was his responsibility at that point? Cuz it sounds like he kind of nodded and said pretty ring, and allowed her to think it's on the horizon. Not that hard to see the whole picture it just takes a little critical thinking skills--clearly by his own words he did not tell her "sorry but I am not wanting to get married"-- so iow (truth hard to hear for some) he has kind of let her think this and strung her along, for his own gain. Lame. Sorry- I don't post fluffy words to make a person feel better if there isn't truth behind it

After expressing it to him and even looking at rings or pics of rings with him and him not clearly stating he is not able or ready to do that- she was probably left w the impression he was having it in mind to do so-- at this point she should if she wants to have a mutually honest and giving loving relationship she should 86 him and find a man who's more on her maturity level and will at least be totally honest of his intents rather than a string along.

Edited December 2, 2017 by rubyjuly

[rubyjuly]

20 years ago I got my gf a new clock radio for her birthday. she really needed one badly.

 

when I gave it to her she threw it at me just missing my head. I didn't hear the end of it for a whole week...not to mention no nookie too.

 

I broke up with her a few months later even though the sex was the best I've ever had.

 

 

You sound like a great catch. Chances are she's managed to find a better deal than what you described- wow!

[Noproblem]

Ok. To be honest, I am very hard to please!

I don't think I never received a gift that I like, ever!

I guess it comes down to the fact that maybe I just like to give and never get anything in return.

 

But yeah it does upset me when I don't get the gifts that suit my personality. But if you ask me, I really don't know what I do want as a gift, over the time I learned to keep my thoughts to myself, being ungrateful is just not nice!

 

 

 

However, I find the best gift that I can get is a delicious food

 

 

But you did more than that!

 

You did great and she wasn't happy!

 

Why she is so materialistic!

 

One day she'll look at this "Cheap" amazon necklace and miss you but you might not be there!

 

 

and 70 dollar is not that cheap. I think it's a fair price!

 

I am sure if you were very rich, you would have given her more, so why she demands something that you don't have!

[rubyjuly]

Ok. To be honest, I am very hard to please!

I don't think I never received a gift that I like, ever!

I guess it comes down to the fact that maybe I just like to give and never get anything in return.

 

But yeah it does upset me when I don't get the gifts that suit my personality. But if you ask me, I really don't know what I do want as a gift, over the time I learned to keep my thoughts to myself, being ungrateful is just not nice!

 

 

 

However, I find the best gift that I can get is a delicious food

 

 

But you did more than that!

 

You did great and she wasn't happy!

 

Why she is so materialistic!

 

One day she'll look at this "Cheap" amazon necklace and miss you but you might not be there!

 

 

and 70 dollar is not that cheap. I think it's a fair price!

 

I am sure if you were very rich, you would have given her more, so why she demands something that you don't have!

 

 

 

Looks like you missed it above

[joseb]

20 years ago I got my gf a new clock radio for her birthday. she really needed one badly.

 

when I gave it to her she threw it at me just missing my head. I didn't hear the end of it for a whole week...not to mention no nookie too.

 

I broke up with her a few months later even though the sex was the best I've ever had.

 

I'm surprised you gave it a few more months

 

Sex must reallllyyyyy have been good

[chinadiary]

In England, probably the us too, there is a phrase. S**t or get off the pot.

 

You are marrying age. You've been together 4 years. She's shown you a ring.

 

Either get engaged or leave her so she can find a husband elsewhere.

[elaine567]

That's not an "age gap"---- if she was 18 and you were 13, ok that would be an age gap because the younger you are it matters more.. but a five year difference when your both past the 30 mark--- has no bearing on this, there could be a big gap in **maturity level** though which is not related to your chronological age at this point in your life -- in other words, she may be a full functioning adult who has adult 30 something goals and although your in the same age bracket you might be more emotionally immature-- gymrat

 

Five years may not be a huge age gap culturally, socially, emotionally, but here we have a man at 30 who can probably spend the next few years free wheeling without worry, but at 35 this woman has to get her act together very soon as her fertility is about to take a nose dive.

She cannot afford to hang around any longer with a man who is not going to give her commitment if she wants to have a family.

[joseb]

There's a couple of things I find confusing, about this thread.

 

Is it "a thing" to propose to someone on their birthday? I've never heard of this.

 

Also, do women really go picking engagement rings without being proposed to? Surely that's bad luck, or bad taste, or something.

 

Anyway, this relationship is definitely at a crossroads.

 

At 35, if this woman wants kids, she is running out of time....thing is, I'm not so sure from what I've read that she is all that keen to have them with op.

 

OP, I think you need to have a very serious conversation about the future with your gf. Instead of acting like a spoiled brat, she needs to be clear about what she wants, and if that includes getting married soon, to discuss it.

 

And you need to decide if she is the woman you want to spend your life with, or at least the next few years while you have kids together...

If that's not something you like the sound of, I think you might want to consider being fair and calling time on this, as she is the one without a lot of time to spare.

[gone_girl]

Look, Im the kind of girl who pays attention to gifts. I have received some lovely and some horrible gifts from men (the worst; someone gifted me booze and a pair of his socks... yeah, let's just say this one wasn;t meant to be ). Believe me, your gifts fall in the "omg my boyfriend spoiled me so much" category. I agree that the problem must be something else that she won't admit.

[rubyjuly]

Five years may not be a huge age gap culturally, socially, emotionally, but here we have a man at 30 who can probably spend the next few years free wheeling without worry, but at 35 this woman has to get her act together very soon as her fertility is about to take a nose dive.

She cannot afford to hang around any longer with a man who is not going to give her commitment if she wants to have a family.

 

Right, it's not an age (chronological age gap) -- it's a gap in their level of emotional maturity-- and this can happen even if both people are the exact same age- one person at 30 can mentally be at the level of a 17 yr old gym rat and the other can be more of an adult. At this age an actual age gap chronologically would be like a 30 and 42 yr old -so what this is two adults the same age range one who is mature mentally and the other you can tell by his postings , how he expressed himself and perceptions come across more like a 19 yr old

[rubyjuly]

Look, Im the kind of girl who pays attention to gifts. I have received some lovely and some horrible gifts from men (the worst; someone gifted me booze and a pair of his socks... yeah, let's just say this one wasn;t meant to be ). Believe me, your gifts fall in the "omg my boyfriend spoiled me so much" category. I agree that the problem must be something else that she won't admit.

 

This is a relationship of 4 years duration w 2 adults in their thirties. As some others felt I agree it w their thoughts that the op is treating her like they've been dating 6 months. If he asked if it was crappy (his words not mine) seems like he kind of knew in a way they were. Not crappy for a gf of six months. But truly crappy for a long term gf of four years, who he looked at engagement rings with before-- which he shouldn't have done since it's clear at this point he wants to keep her signed on as a gf-- for who knows how long? C'mon.... four years. best thing I hope she will do for herself is remove herself from the op as her need is seeming to be someone who's more mature emotionally.