soret Posted November 21, 2017 Posted November 21, 2017 I was expressing some frustration with communication with my bf. He has been slightly distancing himself from me as he is going through a very hard time as both his parents are quite ill. I hadn't heard from him in awhile and it concerned me and I was told by my mom that I should leave him alone when he may just need me there to support him. I find that "the game" of waiting for the man to contact you all the time is utter bull**** when you are in a committed relationship and I find that it only makes me angry to follow these rules. I of course will consider what my mom says but I don't think it's a mature choice. If I want to speak and be there for my boyfriend I should be able to without feeling like I shouldn't be allowed to. I feel conflicted as obviously my mother has more life experience then I but I don't think playing games pays off in the end. If anything it just makes things worse. Any insight?
Zahara Posted November 21, 2017 Posted November 21, 2017 His parents are ill. I can see why his communication has changed as he is dealing with a difficult emotional situation and is likely very distracted. I don't think he is playing a game. I would check in with him now and then just to make it known that you are there to support him. Unless he's telling you he wants to be left alone, there is no reason why you can't reach out to him. 2
basil67 Posted November 21, 2017 Posted November 21, 2017 Is this the same guy you wrote a number of threads about in September? Are you exclusive yet? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/635757-i-reached-out-him I'm going to go out on a limb and call BS on him pulling away because his parents are ill. He's been flaky and half hearted since the start. I think it's an excuse. How sick are his parents? How much time is he having to put in to give them extra support? 1
Author soret Posted November 21, 2017 Author Posted November 21, 2017 His parents are ill. I can see why his communication has changed as he is dealing with a difficult emotional situation and is likely very distracted. I don't think he is playing a game. I would check in with him now and then just to make it known that you are there to support him. Unless he's telling you he wants to be left alone, there is no reason why you can't reach out to him. No I wouldn't say he is playing a game with me. I would say my mom telling me I should play hard to get, don't answer his texts and calls right away, make him think I am too busy for him, etc. are all a disaster to the relationship. Even if he is going through this difficult time I don't think doing those things will help him. As much as he won't admit it I think he needs some sort of support from me. I don't know how to do this without coming off as clingy or annoying. Both his parents have cancer and his father is in the hospital right now getting chemo.
Author soret Posted November 21, 2017 Author Posted November 21, 2017 Is this the same guy you wrote a number of threads about in September? Are you exclusive yet? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/635757-i-reached-out-him I'm going to go out on a limb and call BS on him pulling away because his parents are ill. He's been flaky and half hearted since the start. I think it's an excuse. How sick are his parents? How much time is he having to put in to give them extra support? No this is a totally different and much better guy haha Both his parents have cancer. I met them both a couple of weeks ago but his dad is now in the hospital getting chemo. They both are going to be okay but my bf is having a hard time seeing his dad in the state he is in. We haven't been together long. A couple of months now and im still getting to know him. He is good with the communication but he's got a lot on his plate right now and I'm not sure how to support him without being all up in his face. I want to make things easier emotionally to an extent.
smackie9 Posted November 21, 2017 Posted November 21, 2017 Your mother is right. Now you don't have to "wait", you can just end it and tell him that this isn't a good time for a relationship and he should focus on his family. If you are ok with it, you can tell him if he needs to sympathetic ear, you are willing to have some communication as a friend. 1
Author soret Posted November 21, 2017 Author Posted November 21, 2017 Your mother is right. Now you don't have to "wait", you can just end it and tell him that this isn't a good time for a relationship and he should focus on his family. If you are ok with it, you can tell him if he needs to sympathetic ear, you are willing to have some communication as a friend. That's like the last thing I want to happen. I think all he needs right now is some sort of support system.
stillafool Posted November 21, 2017 Posted November 21, 2017 Is your bf an only child? Does his parents have siblings and parents?
d0nnivain Posted November 22, 2017 Posted November 22, 2017 Your new guy has a lot on his plate. Dealing with sick parents especially at the holidays is tough. Your mother is wrong about the playing hard to get nonsense. Let her say her piece because she is your mom but do what you know is best: return your guy's texts & calls promptly. 2
kassy Posted November 22, 2017 Posted November 22, 2017 The last thing he needs is you playing games right now. Don't communicate excessively but also reply promptly to him and try to be a bit of light in his currently stressful life. It's a hard situation to be in with a new relationship and it might not work but give it a shot. 3
darkmoon Posted November 22, 2017 Posted November 22, 2017 (edited) help by doing their cleaning, offer just once, do not turn this into a battle of wills do not say you want to offer support, it sounds good, but also sounds like martyrdom, self-righteous attention-seeking, and he has not asked, or is just an excuse to call him, with no idea of his obvsly tight schedule hour-by-hour make him an offer he is unlikely to dislike, or hold against you, I think your mother may have a point, but do not mind me - what support did you have in mind? details, please what would the convo about it be like? Edited November 22, 2017 by darkmoon
JS84 Posted November 22, 2017 Posted November 22, 2017 Your boyfriend is dealing with two parents with cancer and your mom is telling you to play hard to get because he hasn't been as communicative lately??? Nice... Stop playing games and reach out to him. And maybe consider he's not in a great place right now where he can juggle two sick parents and a relationship.
BaileyB Posted November 22, 2017 Posted November 22, 2017 I don't see it as a game, as much as it is respectful of the fact that both his parents are ill right now. I've been there and done that - it's hell. I'm sure he would appreciate your message - just letting him know that you are concerned for him and offering to help in any way. Otherwise, I'm sorry to say it, but you are probably so low on his list of priorities right now... I wouldn't expect anything more from him for a very long time. I wouldn't even expect this relationship to last, to be very honest. 2
d0nnivain Posted November 22, 2017 Posted November 22, 2017 Most women love the hard to get game. The winners are players. Far too absolute. Immature people may enjoy game playing. I think more people are straightforward. Moreover with all the demands on people's time most of us don't have time to play hard to get -- we actually are hard to get. No game playing involved. I do agree with BaileyB that you are low on this guy's priority list. He has his hands full. Do talk to him or leave messages so he knows somebody is thinking about him. Don't make demands on his time. Offer concrete help -- perhaps do his holiday shopping or offer to decorate the sick parents' house for the holidays so they have some festiveness. 2
kendahke Posted November 22, 2017 Posted November 22, 2017 No I wouldn't say he is playing a game with me. I would say my mom telling me I should play hard to get, don't answer his texts and calls right away, make him think I am too busy for him, etc. are all a disaster to the relationship. Even if he is going through this difficult time I don't think doing those things will help him. As much as he won't admit it I think he needs some sort of support from me. I don't know how to do this without coming off as clingy or annoying. Both his parents have cancer and his father is in the hospital right now getting chemo. You take his hands in yours, you look in his eyes and you tell him "I am really so sorry that your parents are ill. If my magic wand wasn't busted right now, I'd wave it and cure them both without hesitation. I can appreciate that this is so hard on you and you may be feeling overwhelmed by everything. I don't wish to add to any stress you may be feeling, but I want you to know that if there is anything--and I mean anything at all--that you need, please tell me. My support for you is unwavering and I am here for you, even if it's just sitting together and not talking. I can see how much you love your parents and I am grateful to them for having you because you came into my life." I think that if you tell him this, 1. he knows you care even if you're not there with him on the daily; 2. he understands that when you do contact him, it isn't to put yourself first on his priority list in that moment but just to connect because caregivers also need someone, even if it's only "hey, just looking in on you to see if you're ok"; 3. you have told him where you are and you're both clear on where the other is I think your mother's advice is destructive and should not be applied to someone who has got critically ill parents that he's taking care of, even if he's got 8 other sibling. No one may dictate to anyone else how they interact with their parent unless that parent is grossly dysfunctional and toxic. Being ill with cancer does not meet that threshold.
ThrowfordAwayington Posted November 22, 2017 Posted November 22, 2017 I think mature people say what they want and need and act in a manner consistent with those statements. I personally find people who play "hard to get" hard to want. It's relationship gaming, and it's just as contemptible in this format as it is from the PUA folks. Be authentic you. It greatly reduces the error rate in your interactions.
smackie9 Posted November 22, 2017 Posted November 22, 2017 Your defensive brain is over reacting! and so is everyone else. I don't see anywhere in your mother's suggestion that it was meant to "play games" or "play hard to get". She simply meant to get off his back about the relationship and give him his space as to not add more stress to his situation. He is dealing with something very difficult and when he asks for it, be there for him for support. THAT IS WHAT SHE WAS TRYING TO SAY. It's YOU that suggests it's "gaming playing" "hard to get". Everyone needs to jump off that band wagon with this. The old lady was just being sympathetic to his situation. And the OP is pissed her mother isn't sympathetic to her. I sense there has been tension between those two, and whatever comes out of her mother's mouth she get a little apprehensive. I say offer help/support, and ask what he expects/needs, at this time. Maybe he wants to be left alone...you don't know unless you ask. Don't sit there with yer arms folded because he doesn't text you. Take some action. 2
mortensorchid Posted November 23, 2017 Posted November 23, 2017 He's playing a game with you if he says his cat/dog is sick. In this case he's saying he has family obligations. Back off and let it be. If it's meant to be it's meant to be, and if it's not then it's not. 1
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